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Thursday, September 23, 2004

Pimp my Regal

(This is for all you girls about twenty five…)

Just what we need, another song about how great it is being a woman. I plan on making a similar song for the guys. It’s going to be about how hard it is being a male in the 21st century and the pressures that go with it.

It will be a favorite for any ‘guys night out’ and all the guys will sing along to it because it’s SO REAL!

Anyway, I wanted to bitch about a couple shows on MTV.

First off, “Pimp My Ride” has a good premise, make my sh*thole look totally tubular! So ya have these kids with these crappy Cutlasses and Skylarks coming in to this shop for their crap to be worked on.

I could’ve easily brought my Regal a month ago, but I know that ‘pimpin’ a Buick is even more pathetic than keepin’ it real. I mean, I knew my Regal was a P.O.S. therefore I drove that thing around like a trophy!

This last summer in Rapid City, they would hold these muscle car rallies on the main strip. It was pretty sweet because anyone could drive around and rev up their badass vehicles and make as much noise as possible. It was even sponsored by the cops.

Hearing about the rally, naturally, I decided to take my Regal for a spin so everyone could see my ride.

I went down the strip a couple times, revin’ up my 3.1 with; bald-ass tires, tape player that didn’t work, and the breaks that would audibly crunch every time my ‘ride’ would stop.

I pulled over to the nearby parking lot, opened my hood, and posed next to my car for about a half hour. One guy came over and started looking the Regal over.
“Is that a cassette player in there?”
“Yeah, it’s factory” I said with a deep exhale
“That color underneath the doors…”
“Yeah, that’s rust. Pretty soon I’ll be able to see the road while driving, so it’s not where I’d like it to be, but it’s going to look pretty phat after a couple more Minnesota winters.”

I felt like on top of the world. Those ’57 Chevys, ’84 ‘Vettes, and those ’71 ‘Stangs could all kiss my Regal’s dented rear bumper.

I would like to see how many pimped rides from that show end up getting ripped off within a month of driving it around.

Sometimes it seems like some kid will bring in a Civic and it will come out as a Monte Carlo!


Old ass cars need to be junked; it’s the only possible solution. You don’t see ’90 year old women trying to look 25! Wait, that’s right, there’s Cher…nevermind.

Then the show, ‘Cribs’ is one of the most stupid shows EVER!

I love how they have someone like Terrell Owens trying to explain why he has a hyperbolic chamber in his living room. Then it seems like the host always walks into the kitchen and starts explaining how the stove works. Better yet, they head off to the fridge and say,
“Let’s see what we have in here.”
Does anyone… give a flying f&ck what is in their fridge?

HMMM… I’M GOING TO SAY, FOOD.

[OUT OF A 100 PEOPLE SURVEYED, LET’S SEE IF FOOD IS ON THE BOARD….YESS!!! THE BERG FAMILY WINS THE STANLEY CUP]

**not a bad sarcasm riddled dream if I say so myself**

They do say crap like that all the time. Here is my window to see through. Here is my big chair where I can lie down after looking out my window.

And best of all…

HERE ARE MY TEN BENTLEYS….

Ok, why do you need TEN! People can collect stamps, coins, baseball cards (now that’s an expensive hobby for ya), or records. These are sensible collections, collections that won’t be taxed too heavily for the environment and they don’t need 9,000 sq feet!


Now if it were ten crappy Regals...

Tomorrow, more crappy football picks

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