(...with chairs, candles, and cloth/ making darkness into day)
Great show the other night by the way with Butterfly Boucher as a opener! (She's not as corny as her name.)
Well, I was planning on talking about the Sarah Mclachlan concert the other night.
Another option was to continue my rant on Van Halen, but this has all changed for today.
A lot you ya’ll came here because you were looking for the truth.
That will come later, but first a couple words to my close rival, Hog.
I respect the fact that you are running against me and you don’t seem THAT retarded
HOW DARE YOU SMEAR MY NAME WITH THOSE…..THOSE PICTURES.
You diabolical son of whore!
Let me explain those pictures. Let me tell you the truth behind those pictures riddled with jealousy and guilt.
Picture 1: ‘The Fairy’ by the way, real mature Hog, REAL mature!
This is a picture that was based purely out of jealousy. That night Hog and I had a fight about the tiara. Basically a survey of everyone at the party said the tiara looked better on me rather than Hog.
I know what everyone was thinking when they saw the picture in the email,
“Look at how pretty Berg looks in that tiara!” or
“Wow what a pretty, MANLY princess that guy looks like!”
Basically Hog’s dream of being a prissy little pink princess fell to the depths of hell that night.
Anne Hathaway can kiss my nut lining too. (Seriously please do that, Anne!)
Picture 2: Poncho Sanchez
I will come clean with this. Everything is true about dear old Poncho. Lets look at it deeper though.
The fact that Poncho is one of the underworlds most powerful men based out of numerous cocaine plantations is not as bad as it sounds. I mean it’s hard being a businessman now a days! People need their crack! Poncho is merely providing a service to all the beautiful crackheads of the world!
Poncho has killed a lot of people. This is true, but they were for a good reason! In order to be one of the most powerful people, one has to take out the competitor! Come on, its simple economics!
Despite all the killing, the drugs, and the inbreeding; he’s still a cool dude!
So what if we try to take over the US. It’s all good!
Now the dirt on Hog…
You may be wondering about his military record. He SAYS he was in the Army, and he was, but here is where it gets cloudy.
During his time in the Army, he met a woman.
Yes Danielle, I’m sorry to break it to you; Hog was cheating on you with none other than Lady Jaye.
I have proof too because I met Lady Jaye one day and she gladly signed my Minnesota Moose Starter jacket!
I struggled with this news and felt that Flint needed to know. I couldn’t tell him because Flint is a good guy and it would’ve broken his heart!
Would Eddie Money do that?
Would Tom Berg do that?
I didn’t think so
(Hope is on the way)
Hog is also known to slap little, cute puppies around. One day there was this puppy in Poncho’s front lawn when Hog motions for this puppy to come over. The puppy was very meticulous about Hog when, finally, he walked towards Hogs’ open hand. Hog then made a gesture to pet the cute animal when all of a sudden takes his hand off the head and proceeded to slap the puppy around like a bad bitch in the ghetto!
Joe Nedney wouldn’t put up with this.
Neither should you!
(Hope is on the way)
Hog also has been known to dispose of burning tires from 12 dump trucks into the Mississippi River! I told him not too, that it was against a totalitarian ethical framework, but he didn’t listen. He said,
“These tires gotta burn somewhere, why not Iowa?” Why not Iowa, Hog? Because Iowa…. Uh Iowa…… Actually, I don’t know why either. Damn!
I do have more on Hog, but it will wait until tomorrow.
Now it is time for the Labor Day special edition of the Crap List.
1. That lying, spineless salesman in Buffalo, MN
So I have this phat looking Grand Prix picked out and I called up this guy on Saturday and asked if the car was still there. Yes it was. So I drive an hour and 15 minutes to Buffalo when I meet the dealer dude. We walk around the whole lot and drive a bunch of cars, but I kept asking him where the Grand Prix was. He finally walks back from the office and tells me he sold it that morning. I’m not mad that he sold the car. I’m mad that I went to sappy and crappy Buffalo to find out he sold it that morning! WHAT AN ASS! So I then proceeded to waste the dude’s time by throwing out offers for Suburbans and Cadillac convertibles. Not that I was interested in them, I just wanted to be a Richard for once.
2. The Twins
They gave up 12 runs to the Royals on Sunday. This is the same team where we had 3 straight shutouts earlier. The Royals are easiest the worst team in baseball. Although we are pretty content on being 9 games ahead of everyone, it’s just sad to give up 12 runs to this crappy team!
3. The lack of concert etiquette
Concerts are usually always a good way to piss me off because there are always people talking or yelling when they shouldn’t be. Sarah Mclachan is singing one of her slow ballads when these people are having a normal, loud conversation next to me. Then there were people yelling during the song! Yell at the END of the song please! Then there are songs that contain a swear word or two. Just because Sarah Mclachlan says the words F**k, doesn’t mean it’s anything worth overly cheering about.
4. The hot dogs at Xcel
I bought this hot dog for $3.50 at the concert. This was the weakest looking hot dog ever! It was hardly worth a dollar. One can get a dome dog for that money!
Again, please feel free to debate the Hog/ Berg debate and add anything to the Crap List below.