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Friday, October 29, 2004

There will be a tie in week 8!

(freezin’ rests his head on a pillow made of concrete)

I haven’t heard from any major news stations yet, but they’ll be coming. Probably this weekend to ask me how my campaign is going and my keys to victory.

I can only assume that each news station thinks their competitor is currently taking my time and simply don’t bother calling.

The same probably goes for Hog’s campaign as well.

[closed circuit to Hog: Sean says your site SUCKS.]

Man what a complete crappy day!
Great day to kill yourself or do end the world on—speaking of which,

As of Wednesday night at 11:30pm, I am no longer a Red Sox fan.

They won it, (incredible) but if they win another next year, I’ll be pissed!
Which will probably happen.

That, or they go on a huge fire sale and try to unload EVERYONE like some world series teams do.

Just that they wont be able to get rid of Manny, they tried that and no one took him.


Last week I went…. Well first off, Who could predict that Miami, Arizona, Cincinnati, and Jacksonville against the Colts; would all win? That’s right, NO ONE! So my record wasn’t all that bad last week at (6-8)
Bringin the overall to (52-48)
Awww HELL NO!!!!!

That’s just pathetic…

Baltimore @ Philadelphia
As ‘The Hannes’ said before, the Baltimore defense reminds me of a prison gangbang! The Eagles are so good that they can withstand such a ‘bang.
Eagles 34 Ravens 17

Green Bay @ Washington
There’s some sort of a historic stat that whenever the Redskins win before the election, the incumbent party wins. Therefore, they both will end in a tie for I will be the next President. Ah, I don’t know how to predict this one without trying to predict the next president. I’m going to be accurate So,
Green Bay 30 Redskins 30

Jacksonville @ Houston
This is an interesting matchup, uh, and that’s all I have to say about that.

Jaguars 27 Texans 20

Arizona @ Buffalo
I’m sold on Denny. The guy can coach the regular season as good as anyone. The playoffs are a different story. “Say, lets just take a friken knee.” Funny that the football Cardinals has already won more games this week than the baseball Cardinals (going back to last Sunday)
Cards 24 Bills 16

Detroit @ Dallas
What the hell is up with this stupid, annoying Detroit team? Are they good or what? They win by a lot and then they lose by a lot! I don’t know…
Detroit 57 Dallas 4

Cincinnati @ Tennessee
Man, Tennessee should get T.J. Rubely for a quarterback. He was stellar with the Packers as a third string in the 90’s. Him or Dave Craig.
Bengals 17 Titans 10

Indianapolis @ Kansas City
What the hell was that last weekend in KC? It was like video game football how they just run the ball in for 8 touchdowns. It doesn’t even sound plausible, 8 touchdowns. A backup running back got 4 touchdowns and wasn’t even the main ball carrier!
Colts 45 Chiefs 37

Atlanta @ Denver
Why is it that whoever is the most marketable player in a league, never lives up to their potential. Vince Carter comes to mind and Jason Williams is another. Actually Vick can keep doing what he’s doing as long as he runs the ball. That’s all I care about as a fantasy football owner.

And may I end with... (Quentin Griffen) god damn Denver.
Falcons 28 Broncos 27

Carolina @ Seattle
Pfff Hell, if I know! Seattle is a team that lost to the Cardinals! And Carolina…. Gawd!
Seahawks 27 Panthers 13

New England @ Pittsburgh
Now THIS is the game! I have GOT to see this game.

---this just in----
‘The Deer’ are now in 5th place in a ten-team league. Maybe I haven’t given up yet.
Not that anyone cares, but it’s my damn blog, I’LL WRITE WHATEVER I WANT!
Pittsburgh 34 New England 24

Oakland @ San Diego
I’m totally in a San Diego mood. Yeah, San Dan go!

Chargers 28 Raiders 21

San Francisco @ Chicago
WHAT in the hell were the powers that be thinking about when they scheduled this one? Hey, this is the year for the Bears and 49ers, lets put them on in primetime!
What-the hell-ever
49ers 6 Bears 4

Miami @ NY Jets
Yeah, the Jets played the Pats pretty well last week. Other than that game, the Jets have played NOBODY!!!! They had about as easy a schedule as uh…. A team that plays an easy schedule. It really doesn’t get any harder either. I think Miami may be on a roll!
Dolphins 17 Jets 13

NY Giants @ Minnesota
The last four times these guys have played, I have predicted thorough Viking pummelings. Unfortunately, only one of them resulted in a win (I think)
Vikings 41 Giants 0 (HA!)

Now, on to some GTA… for 40 hours
Good weekends yall

Thursday, October 28, 2004


(You better run all day and run all night, keep your dirty feelings deep inside)

Man, I really dropped the ball on this one.

Yesterday, I was all focused on…
-Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
-finding a new apartment/house
-the World Series
-dreams of a new TV

That I completely forgot about writing in.

I got a couple things to go off of though...

Tuesday 9:45am, Best Buy, Woodbury

So, I got the chance to have fast food breakfast and took it! I came to Best Buy ten minutes before they opened so I can get the new GTA.
Usually, I’m doing this sort of thing for concert tickets and then the crowd is festive, talkative, and usually talking music.
The ten or so guys waiting at Best Buy were really different.

At that time, you had like ten dudes, all in sweats and baseball caps, trying to ‘look cool’ while waiting to buy a video game.

They’re smoking and doing this ‘Marlboro cowboy’ look as they’re waiting for some dork in a blue shirt to let ‘em in.

Then there were the total stoners who didn’t realize how cold it was until they get out of their car. Instead of going back in the car, they just stand outside the door like,
“Dude, man, let me in….. I need some video games!”.

Then, after I buy my shyt, I go home and sleep until I hafta work

What a day huh?

Quick bits

It was official last night at about 10pm…
First I’ll tell you my runningbacks for this weekend…
-Duece McAllister
-Aaron Stecker
-Lee Suggs
-Quentin Griffen
-Onterio Smith

So if you do the math with the byes this weekend and weed suspensions,I have just Quentin Griffen as my only running back this weekend and he’s just been the crappy backup for the Broncos.

So, at about 10pm, I find out that Griffen tore is ACL and is gone for a year. So now my runningback situation for this weekend looks like,
_____________________ (tumbleweeds)



As much as I tried, I just got ass faced on this one!

This whole situation proves that Griffen IS the bust of the '04 NFL season.

Ah well, I’ll still win. It’s all about the system right?

-Red McCombs can kiss my ass!

-Doritos are ‘2 for $4’ at Knowlands! Go and grab yourselves a couple gallons of milk and 40 or so bags of Doritos.

-I expect all the women going to these Halloween parties this weekend to dress as slutty as possible. Be a slutty George Bush or a slutty John Kerry. Maybe a slutty Ricky Williams or a slutty Spongebob. I don’t know

Super crappy picks tomorrow

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Eternal Sunshine of Yogi Berra

(The stillness here like what he finds inside her, hits so hard it could steal your breath forever)

Monday morning at 2am, I watched the most appalling segment ever. It was that list show on Fox Sports Net and the topic was, “Best MLB Catches”.

This is one of those copycat VH1 shows that shows a clip, and then has an up-and-coming comedians make their stupid quirks about the clip

Kirby Puckett was fifth on the list with his game 6 World Series catch (good choice). After the clip these STUPID comedians, whom obviously don’t know a crap about baseball, start ripping on the dude.

“Here’s a short, fat dude that got stuck playing the outfield for some reason”

“That was probably the only time he’s ever jumped above 1 foot.”

“He had more fat than muscle”

Were the general comments regarded towards Puckett.

I about fell out of bed! They were ripping the guy like he was Manny Ramirez!

When you look at the typical center fielders, Torii Hunter, Ken Griffy Jr., Jim Edmonds, Johnny Damon, and whoever you want to put up there; Puckett, physically is the odd man out.

He was not an average or even good fielder. HE WAS A GREAT CENTERFIELDER!!!! Umm I don’t know SIX GOLD GLOVES Out there!!!!
He was not all fat either! This ‘FATTIE’ hit 13 triples in one year. That’s Cristian Guzman type numbers.
879 hits in a four-year period. That’s Ichiro type numbers!
And first year ballot hall of famer, which speaks for itself.

Any Minnesotan will tell you that Puckett robbed plentiful amount of hitters of homeruns in his day.

Just goes to show that comedians rank about as low as DJ’s in the swing of things.

I wanted to talk about a damn good movie

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I cannot yell loud enough, I cannot jump up and down fast enough, nor can I find enough walls to bounce off of to say how GREAT this movie is.

Jim Carrey almost seems to be the Kevin Smith of actors for that most of the stuff he does is crap, but a couple movies he works in end up being masterpieces.

The Truman Show was the other masterpiece this guy’s been in.

This movie is not for the A.D.D. type people. There are no special effects in this movie as well, so all you Jerry Bruckhieimer dumbsh*ts; this isn’t for you.
This movie is along the same lines as Being John Malkovich and the scenes switch around a lot.

Kate Winslet, fat? Yeah freakin’ right! She may not be the anorexic, boney model, but she’s got hops yo!

Joel (Carrey) and Clementine (Winslet) are a couple when Clementine decides to try and erase Joel out of her life after a little ‘couple spout’. Joel finds this out and decides to do the same to Clementine. As all his memories of Clementine are being erased, Joel decides that he wants to keep them after all. So Clem and Joel go through this whorl wind series of memories trying to hide from the erasers.


Eh, that’s the best I could do. It’s kinda hard to explain a movie like this.

This movie is rated #37 in the IMDB top 250 just above Fight Club and has the same rating (and more votes) than American Beauty.

Just so you know.

This last weekend I realized that my mom is the female Yogi Berra because she talks just like him!
If there is such a thing
Until tomorrow


Monday, October 25, 2004

Hamstrings, and Pesky's pole

(the answer my friend, is blowin’ in the wind, the answer is blowin in the wind)

Really? Maybe the damn wind can tell me how the hell Manny Ramirez got 22mil? Or why the hell the American League still has the DH?

Manny Ramirez is the type of player that I can’t stand. A player that is good at hitting and NOTHING else. We call those players, softball players because they are only good at swingin’ the bat and pumping the keg.
Watching this guy in left is SO damn painful! Watching this guy run is atrocious. The dude could’ve had a double if he weren’t pumpin’ his fist and paying attention!

Sadly enough, this guy may get voted into the Hall. Just like Piazza, whom is another ‘pretty boy’ who is one-dimensional. Don’t even try to tell me that having a hitting catcher is tough.
Yeah, touch if it’s a decent catcher!
Mike Piazza is just a glorified Matthew LeCroy.

What was cool about game 1 was Mark Bellhorn’s home run that hit Pesky’s pole in right field. The cameraman screwed up and didn’t follow the deep shot by Bellhorn. It’s cool because what we got was 30,000 fans all looking up, silent and still. Until,
(BANG!) And the crow jumps and cheers wildly! It was great!
A Classic baseball moment.

One with the crap list

1. My damn hamstring
So I go out and play football with a bunch of guys this Sunday. After stretching for a good 10 minutes, I pull my damn hamstring during the first play. Of course after that happens I instantly age 30 years because I can’t do a damn thing.

It hurts getting in and out of the car. It hurts after sitting or laying down a while and not moving. Worst of all, it hurts while takin’ a dump!
I’m sorry, it really does! Ya go through with the bizness, and you have to sit on top of the bum hamstring. I’m almost bawling my eyes out in the bathroom while trying to roll a deuce! It sucks hard man!

Now I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morning and have a hamstring that's as stiff as my Pesky pole.

2. One dimensional baseball players
yeah Manny, Piazza, Ortiz (although he’s been hitting the crap outta the ball), and any other designated hitter out there. It really cheapens the game, especially post season baseball. When Manny sucks at the plate, I’m a better baseball player than he is! Because I’d actually RUN or CATCH or BUNT. Not that Manny should bunt, which leads me to my next point.

3. Professional baseball players who can’t bunt.
It’s just the SADDEST site watching someone struggle to lay down a bunt. They pop it up to the 2nd baseman or they consistently bunt it foul. The worst ever is when they strike out bunting. These guys have been playing the game for ten years (at least) and they never took the time to PRACTICE BUNTING? Is it that bunting is ‘beyond them’?
I’m pretty sure that if I got paid $400,000 a year, I COULD LAY DOWN A GOD DAMN BUNT!

4. The Gophers
So the Gophers got the crap beat out of them against Michigan St. and that was after a Michigan collapse. This last weekend, the Gophers beat Illinois, 45-doughnut.

(clap:clap) OH, WAY-TO-GO-GUYS!

Maybe it’s my distaste for college football and that after you lose two (even one) game, you’re done as a team and as a season. So the Gophers beating the crap out of Illinois just seems like a preseason football game because I don’t care about the Sun Bowl.

Damn the Gophers piss me off!
Until tomorrow..

Thursday, October 21, 2004

The lying, punk ass bitch

(In the city, city of Compton, in the city, of LA, we keep it rockin’, we keep it rockin’ shake, shake it baby, shake, shake it momma)


Damn, I’m hyper.

Did you hear about the official Bergblog ‘punk-ass-bitch’, Carmelo Anthony? He was caught with a bag of weed in his suitcase as he was boarding his team plane.

His excuse,
Apparently his buddy borrowed that same suitcase and left the bag in the suitcase.


COME ON!!!!! That’s the kind of crap my brother says. That excuse is Alex Rodriguez type stuff!

Not that weed is the ‘death drug’, but it IS still illegal.


Now THAT’S a World Series! None of this Florida Marlins crap, no Atlanta Braves, or Barry Bonds (whom is very overrated and DON’T give me stats)

This is a great matchup! Makes me forget about the bad dream of interleague play or Bud Selig.

Should be a good one!

Football picks

Last week I literally kicked ass. I took that diarrhea filled 4-10 record and turned it around to 10-4 last week. See, I told you my picks were cocaine tough!

Overall (46-40)

St. Louis @ Miami
Miami sucks ass.
Rams 24 Dolphins 13

Detroit @ NY Giants
Eh, I don’t know. Two teams that seem to be over achievers. I don’t know, I don’t care.
Giants 24 Lions 21

Chicago @ Tampa Bay
Last week (or the week before) my Dad came in the room and found out that Brian Griese was the quarterback for Tampa and said,
“Griese!? That guy must be fifty years old!”.

I sunk my head in my hands.
Buccaneers 23 Bears 10

San Diego @ Carolina
Another one of my crappy defenses (Carolina) facing the Chargers.
Panthers 24 Chargers 20

Buffalo @ Baltimore
What the hell happened to Drew Bledsoe? The guy used to be this hall of fame quarterback. Man, there are a lot of crappy games this weekend.
Ravens 27 Bills 16

Philadelphia @ Cleveland
Hmmm, It seems like the Eagles would be the easiest pick. Nah, F-it. I’m pickin’ Cleveland. Yeah, Cleveland is my upset special. My kick-in-the-crotch special.
Browns 24 Eagles 17

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
Damn, this is what I’m talking about! Now this is a damn game! I’m begging you, Marvin Harrison, do SOMETHING. ANYTHING!!

Atlanta @ Kansas City
Damn, may be a good week to start Vick or anyone that plays the KC defense. Has KC won a game yet?
Falcons 31 Chiefs 17

NY Jets @ New England
No, I was wrong. THIS is the game and we may be able to watch this one too! Since I’m rooting for the Red Sox so much, I have to hope that the Patriots lose, but it wont be this weekend.
Patriots 31 Jets 21

Seattle @ Arizona
Seahawks 33 Cards 20

Dallas @ Green Bay
What the hell happened that last game? Brett Farve had a fire lit under his ass! Dallas has never won in GB either. Ugh I gotta go with the damn pack.
Damn Packers 24 Cowboys 10

New Orleans @ Oakland
This could be another one of those crackhead games like the Vikes game last Sunday night. Kerry Collins may actually throw for 200 yards! I gotta give the shootout to the Saints though. Because they have my runningback
Saints 31 Raiders 27

Denver @ Cincinnati
Did you know that I was just three goddamn minutes away from landing Rueben Droughns? THREE DAMN MINUTES! I’m hoping the guy gets a high ankle sprain or something like that, so Quenin plays again. Oh what a bad move that was.
Broncos 35 Bengals 24

Tennessee @ Minnesota
With or without Moss I just gotta believe that the Vikes will beat the piss outta the Titans. It’s just that for every win the vikes will probably win by only 5 points or less.
What a horrible defense
Vikings 42 Titans 28


Wish me a happy F’n birthday on Sunday

Wednesday, October 20, 2004


(If the sky can crack, there must be some way back)

How ‘bout those Red Sox!!!!!!!!!!

I just want all those annoying Yankee pimps; Billy Crystal, Rudi Giuliani, Robin Williams, Adam Sandler, George Steinbrenner, Brian Cashman, Donald Trump, and all those other annoying fans to sit in a room and have a gigantic crying session.
I want them all to think about how pathetic it is to be up three games to NONE and lose the series with
Derek Jeter
Alex Rodriguez
Gary Sheffield
Hideki Matsui

And all the others in that lineup!

I’m thinking about creating some toilet paper and calling it,
Yankee Mystique.

Take that NEW YORK!!! Now you can talk about the Bronx collapse for the next week!

God, it feels good! I never thought I’d ever root for a team as much as I am rooting for the Red Sox.

God, it’s freakin’ amazing that they came back. NO OTHER TEAM IN HISTORY HAS DONE THAT!!!!

Now I dont want to see those stupid Mastercard commercials with the "...priceless" bit on it. That's one of those stupid jokes that never seem to go away. Like the 'Git R Done' bit, everyone thinks thier a comedian.

It's old people, try and use some creativity.

Now this Saturday we’ll be treated with a World Series game in Fenway Park. Oh man, I got my Saturday night planned already!

Just that, hypothetically, lets say the Red Sox do it (win the World Series). Suddenly terrorism would NOT be the most threatening issue but rather, those crazy Boston fans! I believe the Bostonians would first burn down Boston and meander their way to New York and try to burn that down too.

Seriously though, what is Boston going to be like these next 10 days?


Picks tomorrow

Satan's rockin' ass

(I put a spell on you because you’re mine)

How ‘bout them Red Sox! I (like almost everyone else) thought they were as dead as the Mighty Mallards a couple days ago, but they actually have won three in a row to TIE THE SERIES!

Yeah, I’m a Twins fan, and I also consider myself to be a baseball purist, but I really want the Sox to win it! I just hate the Yankees so much that I have to root for the team with fans that hate the Yankees even more so.

The Vikings have been in a similar situation (though not through 80years) and they haven’t EVER won a Super Bowl.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m really starting to develop a strong hatred for Babe Ruth. Now that’s going a little too far for (in my opinion) the GREATEST player ever and it isn’t even close.

The fatass was not only a great hitter, but he was a pitcher before he went to the Yankees. For some reason the Yankee management figured out that not only could a fat ass put his weight into velocity, but could also put his weight into his swing.

F*cking ingenious!

Other thoughts.

-Isn’t is just a little disgusting knowing that the Red Sox have the two first basemen the Twins had two years ago? I believe at the time the Twins didn’t want Ortiz playing because he wasn’t hitting as well as Mietkiewich.

Kinda makes you want to throw up if you’re a Twins fan. Although we do have Morneau, Ortiz does look a little better now as a Twins player.

-I just used a toaster oven for the first time ever! Wow what an invention! It only took 10 minutes to make my pizza! I’m doing some extensive research on applying a toaster oven in my campaign.

-It seems that all girls now a days look the exact same. They all are brunettes (which is good) and they all have blond highlights (I don’t care about). Do guys actually care about highlights? I don’t think so.

-I was thinking last night. Lets say Satan comes up from Hell and decides to take the form of a hot-ass woman. Satan meets a guy and they flirt. He takes Satan back to his place and they start the foreplay. Satan then says, if you do ‘what you want to do’ then the world will end. Sounds like common sense to women. Guys how ever will ACTUALLY think about it if not for one second. I know I would!

Lets all hope that Satan doesn’t come outta Hell in the form of a hot ass woman!

And that she doesn’t have a rockin’ ass to bout.

Til tomorrow

Monday, October 18, 2004

You go squish now!

(A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon, you are only coming though in waves)

Down by two points, under two minutes to go. Jeff Wilkins lines up for the insurance field goal.

Kick is up, and it is…. NO GOOD!

End result (I think)
Mighty Mallards 79
The Deer 81

I knew it was going to be a total pummeling. I would just like to thank my worthless receivers whom couldn’t catch standing bare-ass naked in a barn, in the middle of winter.

Whatever, it came down to who wanted it more.
The Deer gave it 110%
The Mighty Mallards were just out-coached
They’re a work in progress

Anywho, my season is now pretty much over and I stop caring in T-minus…NOW

I would like to talk about a couple movies I have recently seen on cable and video.

Shawshank Redemption: Ever notice that Dufrain doesn’t have a beer with the guys on the roof?
My theory is that it was because it was at 10 freakin’ AM! Bob Barker is on at that time! Drinking at 10am is such a Sodak, Wisconsin, Iowa, Nodak thing to do. Only in Sodak will people wake up at 6am (after passing out for 4 hours) and continue bongin’ beers.

Jerry Mcquire
Ok, so Cuba Gooding Jr. is the star wide receiver. And Tom Cruise is his agent. Notice that Cuba is just a couple inches taller than Cruise. In real life, Cruise is a little taller than a midget, which means that Gooding is the shortest wide receiver of all time. I mean Renee Zelwiger can’t be that tall and Cruise is about the same height.

Ever notice that when Reese and Sarah are running away from the Terminator, Reese gives her a gun and says something like,
“Here, for protection”.
And, may I ask, WTF is that going to do? You might as well grab a handful of M&M’s and try to aim for the eye.
The dude’s made of metal! What is a damn handgun going to do? Finally, they realize ya gotta blow up the dude and then squish it. Kinda like a Mallard.

Ha ha sorry, sorry,I couldn’t resist.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

It comes down to this, Monday Night Football

(cuz your not ready baby, you got nothin’ on me)

God, I love that new song they have. It’s just that they seem like they’re fabricated by the industry. I’ll probably end up buying their album and get burned. I don’t know.

Not to mention, it doesn’t hurt that they’re hot. Damn women.

They do seem like bad ass beotches though.


On with the crap list.

1. People that put shyt on cars
You know those stupid ads where they want you to dance at the Technoid or some stupid dance place. Well, Hog has decided to use one of the most dirty tricks ever, the windshield ads. You may see one of these ads on your windshield pretty soon.

2. My Dad, being as annoying as possible
So, I’m watching the Vikings game, and my Dad is eating right over my shoulder. He’s eating like a damn gorilla! I can hear every breath, every lipsmack, and all the nostril flares. He’s always done this, but why can’t he eat something in-say, 10 minutes instead of the 10 seconds he hoards it down?
Then, it’s 10:30pm and my dad asks,
“What quarter is it in?” and this is after he’s been watching the game for 20 minutes! I hate to be a wise ass, but you just have to sometimes!
Then I turn it to baseball. It’s the 7th inning stretch and ‘God Bless America’ is being sung and my dad asks,
“When did they start doing that?”. OH I DON’T KNOW, ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO!

It’s just insane!

3. Having a program on one computer and not being able to transfer it.
I mean I could transfer it, but I’d have to buy more stuff, which I don’t want to do. It’s like you look at the computer you have the stuff on, and then you look at the other computer where you wish you had your stuff. It’s not like a word document, but a damn powerpoint document and it’s a little big.
Ugh, it’s just too damn frustrating. I just want to rip out my jugular.

4. Fantasy football and having players playing against the Vikes.
Or playing against some person on the Vikes. You watch the game and you want to Vikes to win, but (like in my case) you got to hope that Daunte constantly hands the ball off. Oh well, It’s pretty cool that Daunte had like 400yds and 5 TD’s, but damn, that’s like 20 damn points!
Damn hog.

Oh and for those who are wondering,
As of now…
The Deer: 81
Mighty Mallards 65 (I think…)
With Micheal Pittman and Jeff Wilkins left for Hog.
Time to start makin’ swass!

Friday, October 15, 2004

Fun with Trains

(well, the house is a rockin’, don’t bother knockin…yadda yadda yadda come on in)

Just goes to show that,
If the house is a rockin’
Don’t come a knockin’

I’ll be here all week folks!

Actually, that was barely a joke at all.

Oh Hog, you may want to schedule some counseling for Monday (after I beat your ass) because not only is my constituency increasing, but my fantasy football team will finally wake up this year.

It will be like your Mighty Mallards got f*cked by a train.


Anyway, here’s the lineup that will do the f*ckin’

[CUE: Terminator 2 theme]

QB Mike Vick… which sucks

RB Duece McCalister….

RB Lee Suggs… the name alone makes ya wanna wet yourself

WR Chris Chambers…. Yeah that sucks too

TE Tony Gonzalez

K Adam Viniteri

Def Atlanta

And my saving grace

WR David Terrell… actually that’s kind of pathetic.

Last week I went--How bout you just nevermind about what happened last week!
Overall I’m (36-36)

Carolina at Philadelphia, 1:00 pm
I’m really starting to get annoyed with Carolina, last years NFC champ. I drafted their defense and it’s been suckin’ grade A ass this whole year. This is one of those crazy matchups that usually get its’ share of surprises.
Eagles 21 Carolina 20

Green Bay at Detroit, 1:00 pm
Yeah, Green Bay sucks and that is almost as good as winning Vikings season. Brett Farve sucks in domes and this year he sucks altogether. So in this game, he’s gonna be extra super sucky.
Lions 28 Pack 14

Kansas City at Jacksonville, 1:00 pm
Jacksonville may end up doing something offensively. Hog, just because you have Fred Taylor doesn’t mean you absolutely have to play him.
Jacksonville 21 Chiefs 17

San Diego at Atlanta, 1:00 pm
This is a pretty damn good matchup. Nothing more than I can say about that.
Chargers 27 Falcons 20

San Francisco at N.Y. Jets, 1:00 pm
Seems that the 49ers have a biotch of a schedule. Who are they playing next week, ’85 Bears? Not that the Jets are comparable to the Bears or any other historically great team.
Jets 35 49ers 24

Denver at Oakland, 4:15 pm
Another one of them crazy rivalry games. Too bad that the AFC west sucks colossal ass.
Broncos 24 Raiders 20

Cincinnati at Cleveland, 1:00 pm
It’s gotta be the Browns. It’s just gotta be, right?
Browns 28 Bengals 17

Houston at Tennessee, 1:00 pm
Ya know, I’m in a Texan kind of mood today. Yeah, I think the Houston Dallas team will win.
Houston 30 Titans 21

Miami at Buffalo, 1:00 pm
What a turd of a game this is. It’s all going to come down to who sucks more and Miami sucks more.
Bills 21 Dolphins 3

Seattle at New England, 1:00 pm
This is a nice matchup eh? The Patriots will finally lose. If any team is going to beat them, Seattle is the team
Seahawks 24 Patriots 14

Washington at Chicago, 1:00 pm
Yuck. Chicago will win this dump of a game
Bears 31 Redskins 17

Pittsburgh at Dallas, 4:15 pm
Pittsburgh may end up being my sleeper pick for the Super Bowl, but I’ll tell you that in January. If you care that is.
Steelers 27 Cowboys 20

Tampa Bay at St. Louis, 9:00 pm
Another great Monday Night Football matchup. Does anyone even watch MNF?
Rams 35 Bucs 17

Minnesota at New Orleans, 8:30 pm
Yeah Boi! The Vikes proved me wrong last week. I hope they don’t this week. I mean how can they. I guess if Daunte Culpepper gets injured then maybe.
Vikes 27 Saints 24

Have a hap-hap-happy ass weekend

Thursday, October 14, 2004

The Wildcard

(You have a right to food money, provided of course you don’t mind a little humiliation, interrogation)


Sorry, I just had to continue.

It’s apparent that Hog doesn’t have a response to my newly updated platform. It’s also apparent that Hog will not be able to last though my sudden list of ‘classic’ constituents that have just decided to show up.

I’m talking longtime friends, old allies, and proven relationships.

My ‘wildcard’ may play football with us this weekend!

bwahahahaah Hog, you are dead in the water!

Quick thoughts

-Shawshank Redemption.

You know once Red found the oak tree and saw that money that he was thinking about taking it and run without reading the letter. Kind of like a birthday card, you only want the money.

-Kevin Smith

Yeah, he’s still patting himself on the back. It’s interesting though, the wild discussions about him on

sheesh, last night was the ‘opening night’ for the NHL, I didn’t hear much about it. It doesn’t look that good for professional hockey right now. I’d put TONS of stock in the college game though.

I’m thoroughly sick of all politics, except my campaign of course.

Uh, and that’s all I can think of for right now.

Really crappy, CRAPPY football picks tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

MY platform

(Go Pack Go!!! Doo doo doo dodododo Go Pack Go)

How ‘bout those Packers eh? Three in a row!!!!

I got a nasty email from my opponent the other day. It was all about how his team will ‘destroy’ my deer. Yeah right, and you wish!

His running mate can’t even find Charleston Chew in Mankato, what makes you think he can be President of the Senate?

I have my own platform…

Give natural selection a chance
Nowadays there are too many warning signs, too many precautionary measures. I will get rid of all these signs so we can ‘slim’ down some of our over populated country.

Aloha Friday
All Fridays will be half days

Parents will be able to whip their kids again
Kids need discipline and a nice paddle whackin’ their ass!

Just to name a few…

Here are my new ones

1. Get rid of TC the bear
Does anyone know why the Twins have a f*ckin’ bear as a mascot? I think TC is a cousin of the masturbating bear on Conan’s show.
During the most inappropriate times, I get that stupid dancing bear in my head. Can’t the twins have a couple boombellotis come out and shake their moneymaker or something?

2. Get rid of the giant milk carton in right field
Did a spokesman from Land O’ Lakes come by and say,
“You know what would be perfect for that spot? A BIG ASS MILK CARTON and it will light up every time a home run is hit!”
Just brilliant. This milk carton makes the Metrodome look like a giant recycling container. It’s just waiting for Paul Bunyon’s next gallon that he needs to throw away or for Babe the ox to take a giant shat inside the place.

3. Put something, ANYTHING that will cover up those fold up, dusty-ass seats in the outfield.
It’s not like the Twins are trying to make the most out of the Metrodome. They may as well throw all their trash and let Babe the ox take a shat in there.
It doesn’t take a homosexual to realize that anything covering up those seats would be a vast improvement. But no, apparently they won’t let advertisers buy that space. They can’t put the biggest damn quilt possible over those seats. I guess nothing can be done.
B freaking S!

4. Fast food breakfast ALL DAY LONG!
Yes, I will make it mandatory for all fast food places to serve their breakfast food all day long. It’s the cheapest and best food they have. Plus, who honestly wakes up before 10:30am? No one I know of!

5. All women will be required to bear a tattoo of their age on their forehead.
This way we can know the age of whatever hottie we are checking out at Target. It’s getting harder and harder to avoid 17 year olds and if you do accidentally look at one, ya feel like a pederast. It’s hard to identify the age of women nowadays. This plan makes it easier for guys to oogle!

That’s all for today.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

The President's Cup

(A snapshot in the family album, Daddy what else did you leave for me?)

This is a pretty big week! I’ve been whining for two weeks on how my fantasy football team is a bunch of losers.

This next weekend they can redeem themselves.

I looked at whom I play next week and it is none other than Hog’s Mighty Mallards for the President's cup.

The season may be lost overall, but this next match is as close to a playoff game as there is. This is the kind of stuff they make movies about. This is the stuff that dreams are made of. This is the kind of stuff they kill over in Brazil.
This is…

(boo bom bom bom BOO)


So say what you want, Hog. The juggernaut also known as ‘The Deer’ (which is led by Dante Hall), will make short work of your Canadian Geese on October 17.

Hog’s platform Savaged by Berg

The stadium issue.
Hog and I both agree that a retractable roof is no good for his reasons exactly. Metrodome has turned Minnesota sports fans (sadly) into wimps. It’s been too long since we could say something like,
“Atlanta may be good now, but wait until they have to play up here in December!”
However; Hog’s got plans but no money or contractors to build the stadium! Sure there are many plans in the works. Plans are not a physical stadium! I can one-no two up his platform.

That’s where the kocaine kats come in. Poncho and I have fed plentiful amounts of cocaine to cats everywhere to help build this new stadium. Instead of using taxpayer dollars for the materials and labor for a stadium, I have all the cute, powdery white faced cats of the upper Midwest to build this stadium.

How will we get the materials? My gang of cats will steal from local construction sites at night and we’ll steal from the likes of Lambeau field (through a secret underground ‘feline’ railroad) for whatever remaining parts we need. That way we,
-Save the taxpayers money
-Get new stadiums
-Get rid of a bunch of annoying cats
-set an example of what crack can do for your career!

Don’t worry Hog, your cat is going to be the general foreman of the crew.

Creation of a new position in the White House

This I don’t get. You can’t just make up another Vice President or Vice Vice President! That job already belongs to the country’s bitch, Tony Blair. I thought it’s always been assumed that he’s the third guy in both our campaigns. We could’ve written it like this,

But we don’t, because it’s common knowledge. If you want this Miami character in your cabinet, then choose him for Secretary of Defense or, if nothing else, Secretary of the Interior.

Vice2 , I don’t think so.

Uh, Poncho and I are not terrorists. Just your new God.

Culver Cakes
A worldwide poll has been taken? Did a worldwide email get sent out? The Japanese prefer Culver cakes? I would like to know the sample sizes for this ‘poll’ and how you got those numbers.

I just don’t but it.

Cheese Curds
Hog wants to make the fried cheese curds available year round instead of the State Fair. It sounds like a good idea, but I would like to have Christmas everyday too.
Hog loses the perspective of the joy of cheese curds. This is one of the biggest reasons why we shell out the 8 dollars at the door just to buy cheese curds! Why don’t we just have a giant dairy barn open year round so we can have shakes? Why don’t we have numerous French fry booths around the cities?
It’s absurd!
Not to mention that any cheese curd purist will tell you that the ‘real’ cheese curds are the fresh, in the fridge, kind. They’re not too bad, but they’ll make you take a ride on the thunderbucket for sure! And these curds are available year round in your local grocery store.

Ron Gardinhire
I pretty much agree with Hog on this one. Ron was rockin’ the gange this last week. Shannon Stewart in left? On his bad legs?

Mike Tice
Ditto, this guy is not a head coach. A dude ran into a punt returner calling for a fair catch! That is pathetic and kinda funny.

Grooved solo cups (?)
What the f*ck?

I had no idea what the hell Hog was smoking with this one. So I had to perform some research to figure this enigma out.
Sure enough at the grocery store, in the whiner isle, next to the Vagisil and the newest copies of Sex in the City, I found the ‘grooved solo cups’.

Hog, I am very disappointed.
First off, these cups are more expensive than the traditional, fraternity cheap-ass red cups. Saving money is key when purchasing beer cups! That’s why after a baseball game, tons of drunken stoner kids steal all the plastic cups from around the stadium. That money saved can be the difference from a pony keg to a regular ‘big boy’ keg.

And two,
What, you can’t hold a regular cup? You need grooves to help you out?
You make these cups sound like an orgasm in your hand (not in your mouth).

People please, you want a President that can’t hold a freakin’ cup?

I’m sorry but that’s just retarded.

Save the Kitties
Nah, I need those kracked out kitties for my construction.
They are a valuable resource!

So there you have Hog’s dumb plans. I will come out with my own better, more innovative ideas tomorrow

Go Deer!

Monday, October 11, 2004

The mother of all rants

(I’m not coming down, I’m not coming down, [nahhoooo] I’m not coming down)


What the hell happened this week? We had like 4 important games and we were an overtime away from losing all four and me, completely melting down.

Today there wont be a crap list rather, a complete spewage of crap. I have that pregnant feeling like after you eat a crave case of cheeseburgers. I need to vent….

Sit back, grab some chips and dip, and put duct tape over your mouths.

I will do so in chronological order.

Starting with Friday Afternoon

Kevin Smith
I personally believe that a couple of Smith’s movies were gold (Clerks and Chasing Amy) and Dogma is alright, Mallrats is mediocre, and the rest are complete crap.

I just got suckered into buying Clerks X thinking it could be interesting with all the extras it has. It’s a three disc set. Disc two is a documentary that is basically all about Kevin Smith and how he grew up (boring). The third disc is pretty much the out takes of that documentary (mostly boring).

Lately Kevin Smith seems to be a bit of a media whore. He constanly volunteers for ANYTHING that will put him on tv and he’s been coming out with movies that are big on stars and short on plot and humor. All the other DVD’s I have, never show or mention where the director grew up, who their parents are, and have a ‘behind the music’ style of program because no one cares. If I wanted the director's Bio, I'd just read his/her damn book.

Ever since I heard that he’s coming out with a Clerks 2, I have been ever so irritated with him. He’s seems to be very self centered and is watering down all the success he’s ever had. Clerks has been spun off into short films, a cartoon, another spin off, part of another Smith movie (jay and silent bob strike back), characters (jay and bob), and tons and TONS of merchandise. Whatever, a guys gotta make a buck right? Well, I think he’s bringing down the integrity of one of my all time favorite movies, Clerks.

Especially with the character of Silent Bob. In Clerks, Bob had little or no reaction to everything, he always looked dignified, and everything he did was perfect. In the movies after that, he had 'stupid looking' facial expressions instead of being relegated to a brick wall and smoking throughout the whole movie while hanging out with Jay. I hated it! Every damn movie after Clerks was like that. He went from; cool, I-don’t-give-a-f*ck to a stupid animated goof ball. Ugh.

Kevin Smith needs to be poor again and make another movie WITHOUT star power.

Twins baseball
Between Friday and Saturday’s game we had the lead at one point. Saturdays game we had a 5-1 lead IN THE EIGTH INNING.

WTF??? It wouldn’t be so bad if we lost 20-2 both games but no, we had to see little miss Alex Rodriguez shake his fist in the air and Derek Jeter’s stupid halo on his head.

Too bad these games couldn’t have ended after seven innings eh? Too bad he couldn’t hold a damn lead if our lives depended on it. Too bad we actually had a couple decent starting pitchers for a change. Too bad WE COULDN’T HIT OFF THE YANKEES. I mean it’s not like they had Clemens, Petitte, and Wells out there.

New York Yankees

You know it must be SO HARD to be a Yankees fan! I mean, to invest ones feelings every year into this team must really be a rollercoaster ride of excitement! First they’re winning by a bit then they’re winning by a lot! WHOA!! And with a lineup of…
Derek Jeter
Alex Rodriguez
Gary Sheffield
Hideki Matsui
Bernie Williams

And Jason Giambi on the bench, it’s no wonder why the Yankees should fit the mold for every team.
You not only have the best players in the United States (two times running), but THE BEST PLAYER IN JAPAN AS WELL! There’s a F’in clue right there!
This isn’t Major League Baseball; it’s something that is played on a video game with trades built in. Only in a video game could you trade some no-name dude for Jeff Weaver and just dispense him because he’s not a future hall of famer.

“you just requested Jeff Weaver from Detroit in a trade for Ben Gay

The trade has been accepted because we’re stupid as hell”

If only there was a commissioner with balls, with a sac filled with guts, then maybe, just maybe things would be a little

I’m kinda jealous actually because the Twins’ owner has more money than the George Steinbrenner. Our owner, Carl Pohlad, is not just a Billionaire, but also a MULTI-Billionaire. He wants the Twin Cities to pay for his new ‘hypothetical’ Twins stadium. A stadium that would cost taxpayer dollars with the taxpayers not receiving any of the profits. Pohlad would receive (probably) all the profits from this stadium.

What kind of a joke is that?
I wish I could do something like that!

This weekend I had the yearly ‘family get together’ and it was in bumblef%ck, Iowa. To me, it’s hard to grasp that I’m related to everyone when I only see them once a year. It’s more like strangers I see every year.
Yeah we’re a close family.
It’s especially depressing when they don’t know basic things about you. For instance, every year there’s always an aunt or uncle that says,
“So Tim, are ya still into dirt bikes?” Ugh, and it’s like,
“No, Tim’s my brother, I’m Tom, you dumbass!” But they didn’t know, so whatever.

This year it was a little different, one of my uncles just got married (to his longtime girlfriend) and had his new wife at the party. I went to talk to her (because I know she’s a big Beatles fan) and she just came back from a trip to Wisconsin. WOW!!!!
Here’s what she was saying,
“Oh man Wisconsin is SO beautiful! We saw all these trees with the fall leaves and the river! Oh my, the river is amazing. It must be the only place of its’ kind.
Have you ever been there?”

I nearly shat myself!

*****quick bio******
-My dad grew up in Sturgeon Bay in Door County and one MAY consider him to be a ‘Uper’
-half my family is in Wisconsin and they’re all Packer fans
-my great grandfather was a cheese maker in Wisconsin (it doesn’t get more ‘sconsin than that!)
-I’ve been to numerous concerts, spring break outings, and baseball games (6 or so) all in Milwaukee.
-and I live no more than twenty miles away from the border]

Yes, one may think that I have ventured out there a time or two in my life.

Minnesota is very similar to Wisconsin, even better in my estimation because WE LIKE HOCKEY! In Wisconsin, hockey is like non-existent for some strange reason. Probably because all the guys are too busy beating up their spouses because the Pack are losers! I don’t know, that’s just my theory.

Gopher football

This was the game man! All we needed to do was win in Michigan and we’d be rid of our constant malaise of suckiness for at least a decade. I didn’t watch it, but I did get to duck out of the ‘family get-together’ and listen to the game. I turned it on with 4 minutes to go in the game and the Gophers were up 24-20. Sure enough, Michigan gets the ball back and just runs down the field (as if it were practice) and they score. We get the ball back and, 4 and done.

That was our damn chance!

Fantasy football

I tell ya what; The Deer suck through and through. Every year there’s some dude that just gets all the bad luck in the world and all his guys get injured or too old or they just have bad years. That dude is me! Let’s take a trip back to the draft shall we?

I had the 6th overall pick which totally sucks because there were 5 guys I wanted. Sure enough those five guys all got picked. So I pick Deuce McCalister who got a high ankle sprain in week 2 (out 4-5 games). Second pick was Marvin Harrison, arguably one of the best receivers around. Well Peyton Manning keeps pulling this ‘Brandon Stokely’ and ‘Reggie Wayne’ crap so Harrison gets the receptions but he averages about 3 yards a catch.
Then, since I had a decent WR and RB I decided I’d take the first and, arguably, best TE with Tony Gonzalez. Great, I have a good TE now.

And don’t get me started on Defenses.

So what I have is a really crappy team that has a lot of depth at its’ TE position.
F$ckin’ brilliant strategy eh?
My team sucks thoroughly and every damn week I have lost by (no kidding ) 5 points or less.

Except this week, I’m playing the best team and am currently losing by something like 35 points.

The team I’m playing against is the other ‘lucky’ bastard that always seems to have every damn productive player around. Players that always had mediocre or ‘ok’ seasons, but now someone, for some reason, lit a fire under their ass and now they’re legit.

This guy’s bench is better than my starting team!

I think that may be it. I think I can preverbally ‘wipe my ass and go do something else’ now.

Until tomorrow...

Friday, October 08, 2004

Picks and Rants

(well ya hit the ball and touch ‘em all, a moment in the sun)

Yeah, after a good night of beating the crap out of my pillow, I think I got that stupid game out of my system.

But not without a little ranting.

Wednesday night’s game
-Radke in too damn long.
He just got a double hit off him in the 7th. Usually that’s when the manager says,
“Well, you suck! Let’s bring in the lefty.”
No, Gardy keeps him in and another run scores.

-12th inning Kubel up to bat with runners at 2nd and 3rd
I’m all for Kubel getting experience, but not now. The guy looked awful already and who cares about the righty/lefty match up. You’ve got a rookie playing an extra innings playoff game at Yankee stadium, put in someone that has played for over a month.

-12th inning, Nathan’s 3rd inning
I’m not against having Nathan starting the 12th, BUT AT LEAST GET SOMEONE WARMED UP IN THE PEN!!!!! Bunches of people in the know say that Gardy couldn’t put Crain in there because he’s only pitched for 27 innings all season. WELL YOU’VE HAD KUBEL IN ALL GAME AND HE HASN’T PLAYED MORE THAN A MONTH!!!!

I don’t think that Gardy should get fired, it’s just SO frustrating seeing Jeter pump his annoying fist. All we needed was a couple strikes!!!
That’s why baseball playoffs are the best!

When the game went into the 11th I was trying to think of the last time the Yankees lost a game in extra sets.
I couldn’t!

God damn Yankee mystique.

Depending on the weekend outcome of the series, I may have a twins related crap list on Monday.

Let’s hope it doesn’t get to that.

And about the ‘Dr. Z’ bit that Hog used last week…
Dr. Z costs money now and not to mention that I don’t believe he’s ever given scores.

Just feel privileged that I’m giving these bad boys away for free!

Cleveland at Pittsburgh,
Man, I don’t know. Last weeks picks sucked for me and I’m temped to go against my gut all week this week. However my gut picks the Steelers based on the fact that they have their first team out there.
Browns 21 Steelers 20 (I’m going against my gut)

Miami at New England, 1:00 pm
Why should they even play the game? The Dolphins may be playing off their emotions knowing that Ricky Williams wants to come back. Ricky Williams is weak man!
Patriots 31 Miami 0

N.Y. Giants at Dallas, 1:00 pm
The Giants could have Priest Holmes, Donavon McNabb, and Ray Lewis and I’d still consider them to be mediocre. I haven’t looked at the Giants as being dominant since the early 90’s. Dallas is almost the same way.
Cowboys 24 Giants 21

Tampa Bay at New Orleans, 1:00 pm
I don’t think Tampa can play a decent game at New Orleans. The Saints will rebound with another All-Pro performance by Aaron Stecker.
Stecker 28 Bucs 13

Jacksonville at San Diego, 4:05 pm
These are probably the two most surprising teams of this year. From suckville to uh… sweetville or something. This should be the game on tv, but we probably get the crappin Arizona @ San Fran game. Dammit!
Jags 31 San Diego 24

Carolina at Denver, 4:15 pm
This could be a game of all field goals. Although I heard that Stephen Davis may come back. Man, Carolina’s been suckin this year!
Broncos 13 Panthers 10

Detroit at Atlanta, 1:00 pm
This sounds like a cool game, but I’m thinking Atlanta will kick the crap out of the Lions. Atlanta needs at least ONE good team. The Braves are not that team.
Falcons 28 Detroit 13

Oakland at Indianapolis, 1:00 pm
Man how old is Gannon? I remember him playing for the vikes in the early 90’s! hehe He was in a quarterback controversy with Sean Salisbury. Pfff the next year we got Jim McMahon. Wow what crappy times!
Colts 35 Raiders 28

Buffalo at N.Y. Jets, 4:05 pm
Man, I almost got my upset special right last week. Too bad Bledsoe sucks ass. God that was a sorry ass fumble he had last week. Why do quarterbacks look so stupid sometimes?
Jets 31 Bills 24

Arizona at San Francisco, 4:15 pm
God, another crapfest. I guess Denny Green will get another win and dedicate it to his ‘system’. Apparently his ‘system’ told Cunningham to take a knee in ’98 eh. What a system!
Cards 21 49ers 14

St. Louis at Seattle, 4:15 pm
What the hell is up with that Seattle defense? They’ve only given up like 20 points or something totally ridiculous like that? This defense is acting like the polar opposite of the Chiefs. And that means that it’s a good defense. And by good I mean groin grabbingly good…you know, if that’s how you celebrate a great defense.
Seahawks 31 Rams 24

Baltimore at Washington, 8:30 pm
Why is Baltimore constantly on primetime? Does Ray Lewis command that sort of audience? Does Brian Billick swearing really make the Disney execs want to change their pants? I thought these guys already played. Oh wait, that was church, nevermind
Redskins 24 Ravens 17

Tennessee at Green Bay, 9:00 pm
Hog, waduya think? Can Green Bay lose a THIRD straight game at Lambeau? ON MONDAY NIGHT no less? Does Green Bay suck this bad or was it just a bad string of luck? Nah, I don’t have the guts to do it. Farve sells his soul for this win
Packers 35 Titans 21

Minnesota at Houston, 1:00 pm
As much of a homer that I am, I don’t think I can pick the Vikes for this one. This is the classic game the Vikes always lose. Not to mention that they’re going to have Mowelde Moore running the ball for them! YUCK! Maybe, just maybe the vikes will rely on their passing game this time and I’m not just talking about the lateral passes to Moss. I’m thinking maybe… THE LONG BOMB? Nah, that’s too complicated.

Prove me wrong guys!
Texans 21 Vikings 17

Last week (7-7) ultimately 32-26 (near perfect!)

I’m goin to Iowa for the weekend, hope I make it out alive!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Ron &%#in' Gardinhire

(no song today…I’m too pissed!.)

Ron Gardinhire…. Geez

So Torii Hunter hits a homer in the top of the 11th and the Twins end up giving up TWO runs in the bottom half.

Son of a bitch!

God dammit, WE HAD ‘EM!!!!

Definitely crap list worthy!

I’m sorry, I can’t think straight
Hog, you’re friggen getting it tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

The 4 point plan

(I was BORN in the USA, I was BORN in the USA, I was BORN in the USA, da…da da dada da da duh dada…….BORN in the USA)

I’m patriotic as hell!

Hog has outlined his offensive against me complete with lies and gross assumptions on his ‘detailed’ website full of clip art and Photoshop molested pictures.

Me, the college basketball world, and Poland will destroy you, Hog!

However, he doesn’t have any clue as how to disarm North Korea!

I do and it’s outlined in my ‘4 point plan’ below

Berg's 4 point plan for North Korea

-Hold a Texas Hold ‘em party in North Korea
-Just keep folding because ‘you never get a good hand’
-Get ‘em drunk
-Take the nukes and run to the boat!

-Hold a Texas Hold ‘em party in North Korea
As President of the free world, I will offer up a fun game of Texas Hold ‘Em with all the powers of North Korea in North Korea. I will do my part in supplying the ‘spirits’ most notably Knob Creek and supplying the fun.

-Just keep folding because ‘you never get a good hand’
As the game progresses, I will try to keep the chip count as even as possible so that the game goes nowhere. Pretty soon everyone will get so bored that I’ll just get up and say something like,
Then all the North Koreans will be like, ‘Word up!’

- Get ‘em drunk
After a couple shots, couple beers, and when everyone is all goofy, I’ll find the biggest goofball of the bunch and throw him on the card table. The table will be totally bent to hell and the chips will be everywhere. The Knob Creek will still be flowing, which leads me to the most important part.

-Take the nukes and run to the boat!
When the leaders of North Korea are all passed out, I and some bigger dudes will take all the nukes out of North Korea and transport them onto our sweet-ass speedboat so we can get our asses back to Hawaii.

Then, there’s
-No more nukes in North Korea
-Relations with North Korea will be neutral because they wont remember a thing. (They’ll just be left with a jacked up card table)
-A safer, stronger America!

Hog came up with a couple of good suggestions, but those suggestions have the makings of ‘open ended promises’.

I have better options and ideas. Ideas that blow anything that Hog has to offer out of the sky.

I will detail all of his open ended promises and some of MY ideas in tomorrows edition of ‘Bergblog’.

I will even explain my dealings with Kocaine Kitties and how it helps America.

“Hope is on the way…and Hog sucks!”

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

The Girl Next Door Review

(I don’t need no arms around me, and I don’t need no drugs to calm me)

Korn has just released Another Brick in the Wall II &III (the first part may be there too, I turned on the song too late)
Anyway, it’s not a bad cover thought it’s really hard to screw this song up unless it suddenly turns to disco.

The Girl Next Door

As I do with most movies I can’t stand, I look on to the
Internet Movie Database message boards to see if anyone else thought this movie sucked. To my surprise I saw topics like
‘How could anyone NOT like this movie?’ and ‘One of the best movies this year’

I couldn’t disagree more.

You’d think that a movie with a ton of porn stars would actually have some good qualities. Despite the boobs, this movie was one of the worst movies of 2004

This movie ranks down there with The Day after Tomorrow and Timeline for their ridiculous plot and how the writers seem to just make sh*t up as the movie progresses.

It starts out with Matt, a senior that applies to Georgetown for a future in politics

**that’s the first damn thing, if you want to get into politics you gotta find a Senator’s daughter or hang out somewhere at Martha’s Vineyard. You can’t go to school and learn how to lie and propose open-ended promises.

Anyway, then comes this hottie (
Elisa Cuthbert) that moves in next door.
***hotties DON’T just move in next door

And she takes him on a ride to do a bunch of stupid things and to take chances…because all the other stupid high school loser students are, so why not him? After all your life is over when you are a senior in HIGH SCHOOL!

Matt then is horrified to find out that his new neighbor girlfriend was a porn star

***hottie PORN STARS DON’T just move in next door
***Geeky high school guys don’t end up dating neighborhood porn stars
***Geeky high school guys don’t get HORRIFIED by going out with neighborhood porn stars!

So, in a nut shell she goes back to porno, Matt ends up having to pay back hottie’s porn star agent by stealing porn star trophies, and he performs a speech on ecstasy for a scholarship (and….. he…… almost…….. wins?!??………….WTF???)

And honestly, THAT’S ONLY HALF OF IT!!!!!
What is probably the worst part is the subtle American Beauty knockoff it resembles. This movie has similar slow motion shots, the life of an ‘ordanary’ guy (kid) trying to break free, and it even features Baba O’Riley from The Who which has been overplayed a lot recently.

It's movies like this that make me want to stand up in a theatre and demand my money back.

I almost started watching the deleted scenes until I realized that those scenes had to be worse than the scenes that MADE the movie.
So I burned the rented copy of The Girl Next Door in my parent’s driveway.

It was my duty to society.

Oh and today Hog came out with his cute little website complete with jargon, a US flag slapped on somewhere, and some pictures.

I got one picture for you Hog,
I call it ‘SHOCKER’ and you can KISS IT!

And for all your quarter life crisis needs,
I have this link. It sounds really girly, but it helps and then there's this link, that talks about the mental ordeal.
Oh does it suck! You get ready for bed, put your head on the pillow, and close your eyes.
That's when the damn tornado that runs over memory lane comes into play.
The heart starts pounding, the sweat starts kicking in, and the headache and panic are not far behind.
Jus gotta kick it is all.

‘til tomorrow

Monday, October 04, 2004

Ha Ha Ha oh Hog

(Just got back from Illinois, locked the front door oh boy, got to sit down and take a rest on the porch)

Aaron Stecker may not have had the career game, but one thing is sure, HOG WAS WRONG ON THE PACKER GAME. He used his smear campaign and called me crazy in predicting the Packer crappy outing.

Then again, I was wrong on a lot of my picks last Friday, but not that it matters!

First thing though, I have an activity for you. Click on that link I have on the right there,
‘Collegeball basketball blog’ and once you’re there; scroll down on the links section on the left hand side of THAT page. It’s way on the bottom of the page in the ‘Journals with Sports’ section. Bergblog is just below Johnny Bacardi and above Boi from Troy.
Click that and then you’re back here!

And what a sports journal is it!

Yeah for all your college basketball hopes and dreams go to

Anyone else have a link that I could pimp? I’ll put it on my sidebar O’ links!

Crap List

1. Living at home with your parents
It’s so god damn depressing coming home and having to be quiet because Mom has to wake up in the morning. Then there’s no tv around because Dad is watching a hundred cars constantly taking left hand turns. Then the questions they ask…
What time do you work? Same time as always.
Why did you go to the gas station? To get gas.
Why didn’t you get the mail? Because it wasn’t there.
Do you want peanut butter on that? NO, I HAVE ALWAYS HATED PEANUT BUTTER AND YOU KNOW THAT!

Yeah I’m not paying rent, but I am paying for it psychologically.

2. Living at home with your parents and sleeping in a BUNK BED.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the Bro got a new bed. His old bed has now been converted to join my current bed as one kiddie bed. So now every damn morning I’ll wake up and hit my forehead on the bed above me. Every night I will subconsciously feel the need to draw imaginary pictures on the board that faces me.
I will sleep in the lower bed and wonder if it really is that much better being on top.

3. The Movie ‘
Girl Next Door’
This will be tomorrow’s topic. There’s just so much to bitch about.

4. The amount of guys that get ‘whipped’ by their girlfriends
It’s so disgusting the gutless wonders that get stuck in the mall holding, shopping for pillowcases, and holding hands while doing so. A lot of people believe that men have all the power. If that were true, then guys wouldn’t have a reason to go to the mall. Femists are just women that can’t control their men. Like
Sam Cassell says,
“Some men run their house, and some men run around their house.” Referring to
Doug Christie, the most whipped man on the face of the Earth.

The rest of the week is as follows
Tuesday: The Girl Next Door rant
Wednesday: a review of Hog’s lying smearing website
Thursday: ??????
Friday: Football picks

The question with Hog’s platform is not if he is PRO-genocide, but what specific group will he plot to kill against?
Odds are as follows…

7-2 African American women
10-1 twenty-something Christian men
Daunte Culpepper supporters
25-1 paraplegic Spaniards
75-1 all women & children
300-1 Jewish mothers
1000-1 My entire family

We’ll see of course…

Friday, October 01, 2004

Stupid-ass blogs!

(And I’m proud to be an American ‘cuz at least I know I’m free…)

Ever since 5th grade I have always disliked that damn song. Everyday instead of saying the pledge of allegiance, we’d just play this dense Lee Greenwood song. Lee Greenwood is NOT the way to start your day.

Can anyone name another song by this guy? If you can, you’re a loser.

I was looking through the other blogs on and I must say, 95% of all the blogs suck ass!

Go ahead and click that button on the top-right portion of the page to see what the next page is and then come back here.

See, you probably stumbled upon someone’s stupid poem about ‘autumn leaves hitting the brow of my cat’.

And then there’s some people that use blogger as an ejournal. Bunch of Doogie Houser wannabies. I bet they even talk to themselves out loud while they’re submitting.

“Dear Internet super highway, today I met Carl and he didn’t say much to me. Oh gee willlikers and then Jenny made a dirty look at me! I don’t think I’m going to be friends with Jenny anymore. I heard the best song today, it’s something like ‘This one’s for the Girls’. I think that Hog is a stupid flip-flopper.“

Thoroughly stupid!

Last week I killed in my picks. I went 9-3 cuz I forgot to predict the Monday Night crapfest.

My picks are cocaine tuff!
My current record is 25-19

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
I don’t care the Bengals still suck. Pittsburgh has shown that they can win, but you should when you play Oakland and Miami. Especially Miami. Rudi Johnson will actually do all right for once, but Cincinnati sucks.
Steelers 27 Bengals 17

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Jacksonville’s defense is awesome, but to cover three legit wideouts? Unless this game is another Florida monsoon, Indianapolis will find a way to beat the Jags, but it will be real close!
Colts 21 Jaguars 10

Oakland @ Houston
The official ‘I don’t give a damn’ game
Raiders 28 Texans 21

New England @ Buffalo
This one has all the makings. The Patriots need a game that will bring them back to Earth. They have won like 30 games in a row coming into this game, a division rival on the road. Yup, I’m going to have to do it, Buffalo finds a way to win.
Bills 17 Pats 13

Philadelphia @ Chicago
Chicago’s secondary is banged up. I think that Thomas Jones will make it close though. Terrell Owens will get a couple touchdowns and will c*ck off to the Chicago fans. The real prediction is how? I believe that Owens will knock over a Bears cheerleader, sign her breast, and proceed to the eagle flap.
Eagles 31 Bears 28

Washington @ Cleveland
I don’t think Cleveland has a chance in this game. Maybe if everyone weren’t injured they would win. I think this game will be close nonetheless.
Redskins 13 Cleveland 6

NY Giants @ Green Bay
As a devout Packer hater, I think that the Kurt Warner will be able to shred the Packer defense. As a result, domestic abuse in Wisconsin will increase by 40%. Sad, isn’t it. See, that stat wouldn’t be so bad if it was the Patriots, but it’s the losers, Packers that have it.
Giants 24 Packers 14

Atlanta @ Carolina
This is a hard game to predict because of Mike Vick. If he plays a normal game and doesn’t run, he’ll lose…by a lot. If he does end up finding holes to run, then Carolina’s in trouble. It’s really a toss up!
Carolina 24 Falcons 17

New Orleans @ Arizona
My opponent, Hog wanted Aaron Stecker for his fantasy football team before hearing that I snatched him up. Because of that, I believe Stecker will have a career type game of 300 yards rushing, 70 yards receiving, and 300 yards passing for a complete ass kicking of Denny’s team. Denny Green will have a big breakfast.
Stecker 28 Cards 10

NY Jets @ Miami
At this point Miami should take that money from Ricky Williams and hold a fan DEpreciation day centered on Williams. Jay Fiedler is starting, but it’s still the Dolphins.
Jets 35 Miami 13

Tennessee @ San Diego
McNair picked a decent week to sit or play injured. Nice weather too.
Titans 17 Chargers 7
Denver @ Tampa Bay
Tampa doesn’t have the defense anymore and Denver does. If it were two years ago, this would be a marquee match up, but it’s not. So Denver wins in a blowout.
Broncos 41 Bucs 20

St. Louis @ San Francisco
I really can’t see the Rams winning this at all. The media love-gushing team of a couple years ago is now gone and their offense is as old as last years Raiders. 49ers win for some reason
49ers 27 Rams 21

Kansas City @ Baltimore
ABC really picked another craptacular game to end the week with eh? Baltimore’s got this covered because the Chiefs suck ass at defense. The Chiefs defense should cheat as much as they can because that is the only shot.
Ravens 28 Chiefs 20

Yeah I bet I’ll go 14-0 this week.
I’m just that good.

If nothing else, I do hope I’m right about Aaron Stecker though. After all, he IS playing the Cards.

and if he does,
Hog, you can kiss my bleading white ass!

Good weekends all around…