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Tuesday, October 05, 2004

The Girl Next Door Review

(I don’t need no arms around me, and I don’t need no drugs to calm me)

Korn has just released Another Brick in the Wall II &III (the first part may be there too, I turned on the song too late)
Anyway, it’s not a bad cover thought it’s really hard to screw this song up unless it suddenly turns to disco.

The Girl Next Door

As I do with most movies I can’t stand, I look on to the
Internet Movie Database message boards to see if anyone else thought this movie sucked. To my surprise I saw topics like
‘How could anyone NOT like this movie?’ and ‘One of the best movies this year’

I couldn’t disagree more.

You’d think that a movie with a ton of porn stars would actually have some good qualities. Despite the boobs, this movie was one of the worst movies of 2004

This movie ranks down there with The Day after Tomorrow and Timeline for their ridiculous plot and how the writers seem to just make sh*t up as the movie progresses.

It starts out with Matt, a senior that applies to Georgetown for a future in politics

**that’s the first damn thing, if you want to get into politics you gotta find a Senator’s daughter or hang out somewhere at Martha’s Vineyard. You can’t go to school and learn how to lie and propose open-ended promises.

Anyway, then comes this hottie (
Elisa Cuthbert) that moves in next door.
***hotties DON’T just move in next door

And she takes him on a ride to do a bunch of stupid things and to take chances…because all the other stupid high school loser students are, so why not him? After all your life is over when you are a senior in HIGH SCHOOL!

Matt then is horrified to find out that his new neighbor girlfriend was a porn star

***hottie PORN STARS DON’T just move in next door
***Geeky high school guys don’t end up dating neighborhood porn stars
***Geeky high school guys don’t get HORRIFIED by going out with neighborhood porn stars!

So, in a nut shell she goes back to porno, Matt ends up having to pay back hottie’s porn star agent by stealing porn star trophies, and he performs a speech on ecstasy for a scholarship (and….. he…… almost…….. wins?!??………….WTF???)

And honestly, THAT’S ONLY HALF OF IT!!!!!
What is probably the worst part is the subtle American Beauty knockoff it resembles. This movie has similar slow motion shots, the life of an ‘ordanary’ guy (kid) trying to break free, and it even features Baba O’Riley from The Who which has been overplayed a lot recently.

It's movies like this that make me want to stand up in a theatre and demand my money back.

I almost started watching the deleted scenes until I realized that those scenes had to be worse than the scenes that MADE the movie.
So I burned the rented copy of The Girl Next Door in my parent’s driveway.

It was my duty to society.

Oh and today Hog came out with his cute little website complete with jargon, a US flag slapped on somewhere, and some pictures.

I got one picture for you Hog,
(_i_)
I call it ‘SHOCKER’ and you can KISS IT!


And for all your quarter life crisis needs,
I have this link. It sounds really girly, but it helps and then there's this link, that talks about the mental ordeal.
Oh does it suck! You get ready for bed, put your head on the pillow, and close your eyes.
That's when the damn tornado that runs over memory lane comes into play.
The heart starts pounding, the sweat starts kicking in, and the headache and panic are not far behind.
Jus gotta kick it is all.

‘til tomorrow

1 comment:

Hannes said...

I thought that movie was alright.

Course, I didn't pay to see it.