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Monday, October 11, 2004

The mother of all rants

(I’m not coming down, I’m not coming down, [nahhoooo] I’m not coming down)


What the hell happened this week? We had like 4 important games and we were an overtime away from losing all four and me, completely melting down.

Today there wont be a crap list rather, a complete spewage of crap. I have that pregnant feeling like after you eat a crave case of cheeseburgers. I need to vent….

Sit back, grab some chips and dip, and put duct tape over your mouths.

I will do so in chronological order.

Starting with Friday Afternoon

Kevin Smith
I personally believe that a couple of Smith’s movies were gold (Clerks and Chasing Amy) and Dogma is alright, Mallrats is mediocre, and the rest are complete crap.

I just got suckered into buying Clerks X thinking it could be interesting with all the extras it has. It’s a three disc set. Disc two is a documentary that is basically all about Kevin Smith and how he grew up (boring). The third disc is pretty much the out takes of that documentary (mostly boring).

Lately Kevin Smith seems to be a bit of a media whore. He constanly volunteers for ANYTHING that will put him on tv and he’s been coming out with movies that are big on stars and short on plot and humor. All the other DVD’s I have, never show or mention where the director grew up, who their parents are, and have a ‘behind the music’ style of program because no one cares. If I wanted the director's Bio, I'd just read his/her damn book.

Ever since I heard that he’s coming out with a Clerks 2, I have been ever so irritated with him. He’s seems to be very self centered and is watering down all the success he’s ever had. Clerks has been spun off into short films, a cartoon, another spin off, part of another Smith movie (jay and silent bob strike back), characters (jay and bob), and tons and TONS of merchandise. Whatever, a guys gotta make a buck right? Well, I think he’s bringing down the integrity of one of my all time favorite movies, Clerks.

Especially with the character of Silent Bob. In Clerks, Bob had little or no reaction to everything, he always looked dignified, and everything he did was perfect. In the movies after that, he had 'stupid looking' facial expressions instead of being relegated to a brick wall and smoking throughout the whole movie while hanging out with Jay. I hated it! Every damn movie after Clerks was like that. He went from; cool, I-don’t-give-a-f*ck to a stupid animated goof ball. Ugh.

Kevin Smith needs to be poor again and make another movie WITHOUT star power.

Twins baseball
Between Friday and Saturday’s game we had the lead at one point. Saturdays game we had a 5-1 lead IN THE EIGTH INNING.

WTF??? It wouldn’t be so bad if we lost 20-2 both games but no, we had to see little miss Alex Rodriguez shake his fist in the air and Derek Jeter’s stupid halo on his head.

Too bad these games couldn’t have ended after seven innings eh? Too bad he couldn’t hold a damn lead if our lives depended on it. Too bad we actually had a couple decent starting pitchers for a change. Too bad WE COULDN’T HIT OFF THE YANKEES. I mean it’s not like they had Clemens, Petitte, and Wells out there.

New York Yankees

You know it must be SO HARD to be a Yankees fan! I mean, to invest ones feelings every year into this team must really be a rollercoaster ride of excitement! First they’re winning by a bit then they’re winning by a lot! WHOA!! And with a lineup of…
Derek Jeter
Alex Rodriguez
Gary Sheffield
Hideki Matsui
Bernie Williams

And Jason Giambi on the bench, it’s no wonder why the Yankees should fit the mold for every team.
You not only have the best players in the United States (two times running), but THE BEST PLAYER IN JAPAN AS WELL! There’s a F’in clue right there!
This isn’t Major League Baseball; it’s something that is played on a video game with trades built in. Only in a video game could you trade some no-name dude for Jeff Weaver and just dispense him because he’s not a future hall of famer.

“you just requested Jeff Weaver from Detroit in a trade for Ben Gay

The trade has been accepted because we’re stupid as hell”

If only there was a commissioner with balls, with a sac filled with guts, then maybe, just maybe things would be a little

I’m kinda jealous actually because the Twins’ owner has more money than the George Steinbrenner. Our owner, Carl Pohlad, is not just a Billionaire, but also a MULTI-Billionaire. He wants the Twin Cities to pay for his new ‘hypothetical’ Twins stadium. A stadium that would cost taxpayer dollars with the taxpayers not receiving any of the profits. Pohlad would receive (probably) all the profits from this stadium.

What kind of a joke is that?
I wish I could do something like that!

This weekend I had the yearly ‘family get together’ and it was in bumblef%ck, Iowa. To me, it’s hard to grasp that I’m related to everyone when I only see them once a year. It’s more like strangers I see every year.
Yeah we’re a close family.
It’s especially depressing when they don’t know basic things about you. For instance, every year there’s always an aunt or uncle that says,
“So Tim, are ya still into dirt bikes?” Ugh, and it’s like,
“No, Tim’s my brother, I’m Tom, you dumbass!” But they didn’t know, so whatever.

This year it was a little different, one of my uncles just got married (to his longtime girlfriend) and had his new wife at the party. I went to talk to her (because I know she’s a big Beatles fan) and she just came back from a trip to Wisconsin. WOW!!!!
Here’s what she was saying,
“Oh man Wisconsin is SO beautiful! We saw all these trees with the fall leaves and the river! Oh my, the river is amazing. It must be the only place of its’ kind.
Have you ever been there?”

I nearly shat myself!

*****quick bio******
-My dad grew up in Sturgeon Bay in Door County and one MAY consider him to be a ‘Uper’
-half my family is in Wisconsin and they’re all Packer fans
-my great grandfather was a cheese maker in Wisconsin (it doesn’t get more ‘sconsin than that!)
-I’ve been to numerous concerts, spring break outings, and baseball games (6 or so) all in Milwaukee.
-and I live no more than twenty miles away from the border]

Yes, one may think that I have ventured out there a time or two in my life.

Minnesota is very similar to Wisconsin, even better in my estimation because WE LIKE HOCKEY! In Wisconsin, hockey is like non-existent for some strange reason. Probably because all the guys are too busy beating up their spouses because the Pack are losers! I don’t know, that’s just my theory.

Gopher football

This was the game man! All we needed to do was win in Michigan and we’d be rid of our constant malaise of suckiness for at least a decade. I didn’t watch it, but I did get to duck out of the ‘family get-together’ and listen to the game. I turned it on with 4 minutes to go in the game and the Gophers were up 24-20. Sure enough, Michigan gets the ball back and just runs down the field (as if it were practice) and they score. We get the ball back and, 4 and done.

That was our damn chance!

Fantasy football

I tell ya what; The Deer suck through and through. Every year there’s some dude that just gets all the bad luck in the world and all his guys get injured or too old or they just have bad years. That dude is me! Let’s take a trip back to the draft shall we?

I had the 6th overall pick which totally sucks because there were 5 guys I wanted. Sure enough those five guys all got picked. So I pick Deuce McCalister who got a high ankle sprain in week 2 (out 4-5 games). Second pick was Marvin Harrison, arguably one of the best receivers around. Well Peyton Manning keeps pulling this ‘Brandon Stokely’ and ‘Reggie Wayne’ crap so Harrison gets the receptions but he averages about 3 yards a catch.
Then, since I had a decent WR and RB I decided I’d take the first and, arguably, best TE with Tony Gonzalez. Great, I have a good TE now.

And don’t get me started on Defenses.

So what I have is a really crappy team that has a lot of depth at its’ TE position.
F$ckin’ brilliant strategy eh?
My team sucks thoroughly and every damn week I have lost by (no kidding ) 5 points or less.

Except this week, I’m playing the best team and am currently losing by something like 35 points.

The team I’m playing against is the other ‘lucky’ bastard that always seems to have every damn productive player around. Players that always had mediocre or ‘ok’ seasons, but now someone, for some reason, lit a fire under their ass and now they’re legit.

This guy’s bench is better than my starting team!

I think that may be it. I think I can preverbally ‘wipe my ass and go do something else’ now.

Until tomorrow...

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