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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

MY platform

(Go Pack Go!!! Doo doo doo dodododo Go Pack Go)

How ‘bout those Packers eh? Three in a row!!!!

I got a nasty email from my opponent the other day. It was all about how his team will ‘destroy’ my deer. Yeah right, and you wish!

His running mate can’t even find Charleston Chew in Mankato, what makes you think he can be President of the Senate?

I have my own platform…

Give natural selection a chance
Nowadays there are too many warning signs, too many precautionary measures. I will get rid of all these signs so we can ‘slim’ down some of our over populated country.

Aloha Friday
All Fridays will be half days

Parents will be able to whip their kids again
Kids need discipline and a nice paddle whackin’ their ass!

Just to name a few…

Here are my new ones

1. Get rid of TC the bear
Does anyone know why the Twins have a f*ckin’ bear as a mascot? I think TC is a cousin of the masturbating bear on Conan’s show.
During the most inappropriate times, I get that stupid dancing bear in my head. Can’t the twins have a couple boombellotis come out and shake their moneymaker or something?

2. Get rid of the giant milk carton in right field
Did a spokesman from Land O’ Lakes come by and say,
“You know what would be perfect for that spot? A BIG ASS MILK CARTON and it will light up every time a home run is hit!”
Just brilliant. This milk carton makes the Metrodome look like a giant recycling container. It’s just waiting for Paul Bunyon’s next gallon that he needs to throw away or for Babe the ox to take a giant shat inside the place.

3. Put something, ANYTHING that will cover up those fold up, dusty-ass seats in the outfield.
It’s not like the Twins are trying to make the most out of the Metrodome. They may as well throw all their trash and let Babe the ox take a shat in there.
It doesn’t take a homosexual to realize that anything covering up those seats would be a vast improvement. But no, apparently they won’t let advertisers buy that space. They can’t put the biggest damn quilt possible over those seats. I guess nothing can be done.
B freaking S!

4. Fast food breakfast ALL DAY LONG!
Yes, I will make it mandatory for all fast food places to serve their breakfast food all day long. It’s the cheapest and best food they have. Plus, who honestly wakes up before 10:30am? No one I know of!

5. All women will be required to bear a tattoo of their age on their forehead.
This way we can know the age of whatever hottie we are checking out at Target. It’s getting harder and harder to avoid 17 year olds and if you do accidentally look at one, ya feel like a pederast. It’s hard to identify the age of women nowadays. This plan makes it easier for guys to oogle!

That’s all for today.

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