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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

The President's Cup

(A snapshot in the family album, Daddy what else did you leave for me?)

This is a pretty big week! I’ve been whining for two weeks on how my fantasy football team is a bunch of losers.

This next weekend they can redeem themselves.

I looked at whom I play next week and it is none other than Hog’s Mighty Mallards for the President's cup.

The season may be lost overall, but this next match is as close to a playoff game as there is. This is the kind of stuff they make movies about. This is the stuff that dreams are made of. This is the kind of stuff they kill over in Brazil.
This is…

(boo bom bom bom BOO)


THE DEER VS. THE MIGHTY MALLARDS part I



So say what you want, Hog. The juggernaut also known as ‘The Deer’ (which is led by Dante Hall), will make short work of your Canadian Geese on October 17.


Hog’s platform Savaged by Berg

The stadium issue.
Hog and I both agree that a retractable roof is no good for his reasons exactly. Metrodome has turned Minnesota sports fans (sadly) into wimps. It’s been too long since we could say something like,
“Atlanta may be good now, but wait until they have to play up here in December!”
However; Hog’s got plans but no money or contractors to build the stadium! Sure there are many plans in the works. Plans are not a physical stadium! I can one-no two up his platform.

That’s where the kocaine kats come in. Poncho and I have fed plentiful amounts of cocaine to cats everywhere to help build this new stadium. Instead of using taxpayer dollars for the materials and labor for a stadium, I have all the cute, powdery white faced cats of the upper Midwest to build this stadium.

How will we get the materials? My gang of cats will steal from local construction sites at night and we’ll steal from the likes of Lambeau field (through a secret underground ‘feline’ railroad) for whatever remaining parts we need. That way we,
-Save the taxpayers money
-Get new stadiums
-Get rid of a bunch of annoying cats
-set an example of what crack can do for your career!

Don’t worry Hog, your cat is going to be the general foreman of the crew.



Creation of a new position in the White House

This I don’t get. You can’t just make up another Vice President or Vice Vice President! That job already belongs to the country’s bitch, Tony Blair. I thought it’s always been assumed that he’s the third guy in both our campaigns. We could’ve written it like this,
Berg/Derienkewitz/Blair
Hog/Skoy/Blair

But we don’t, because it’s common knowledge. If you want this Miami character in your cabinet, then choose him for Secretary of Defense or, if nothing else, Secretary of the Interior.

Vice2 , I don’t think so.


Terrorists
Uh, Poncho and I are not terrorists. Just your new God.


Culver Cakes
A worldwide poll has been taken? Did a worldwide email get sent out? The Japanese prefer Culver cakes? I would like to know the sample sizes for this ‘poll’ and how you got those numbers.

I just don’t but it.

Cheese Curds
Hog wants to make the fried cheese curds available year round instead of the State Fair. It sounds like a good idea, but I would like to have Christmas everyday too.
Hog loses the perspective of the joy of cheese curds. This is one of the biggest reasons why we shell out the 8 dollars at the door just to buy cheese curds! Why don’t we just have a giant dairy barn open year round so we can have shakes? Why don’t we have numerous French fry booths around the cities?
It’s absurd!
Not to mention that any cheese curd purist will tell you that the ‘real’ cheese curds are the fresh, in the fridge, kind. They’re not too bad, but they’ll make you take a ride on the thunderbucket for sure! And these curds are available year round in your local grocery store.

Ron Gardinhire
I pretty much agree with Hog on this one. Ron was rockin’ the gange this last week. Shannon Stewart in left? On his bad legs?

Mike Tice
Ditto, this guy is not a head coach. A dude ran into a punt returner calling for a fair catch! That is pathetic and kinda funny.

Grooved solo cups (?)
What the f*ck?

I had no idea what the hell Hog was smoking with this one. So I had to perform some research to figure this enigma out.
Sure enough at the grocery store, in the whiner isle, next to the Vagisil and the newest copies of Sex in the City, I found the ‘grooved solo cups’.

Hog, I am very disappointed.
First off, these cups are more expensive than the traditional, fraternity cheap-ass red cups. Saving money is key when purchasing beer cups! That’s why after a baseball game, tons of drunken stoner kids steal all the plastic cups from around the stadium. That money saved can be the difference from a pony keg to a regular ‘big boy’ keg.

And two,
What, you can’t hold a regular cup? You need grooves to help you out?
You make these cups sound like an orgasm in your hand (not in your mouth).

People please, you want a President that can’t hold a freakin’ cup?

I’m sorry but that’s just retarded.

Save the Kitties
Nah, I need those kracked out kitties for my construction.
They are a valuable resource!


So there you have Hog’s dumb plans. I will come out with my own better, more innovative ideas tomorrow

Go Deer!

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