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Monday, November 22, 2004

Bring it Kiki! Bring it!

(The rain fell slow, down in all the rooms of uncertainty, I thought of you and all the years of all the sadness fell away from me)

To get a couple matters out of the way,

Last Thursday I received a plethora of comments about the babes I rated.
“Brilliant” was said by Eric.
“...something I can relate to.” Was mentioned by The Hannes.

Then I saw the generally good suggestion by H, to do a sports theme this week featuring Jenny Finch, Anna, some hot golfers. Then it gets interesting… Lindsey Whelan and Janel McCarvell(?).

It leads me to wonder if H has a secret obsession with womens’ basketball, moreover the Gopher women’s basketball team.

However, my response is that there will be a sober day in Wisconsin when I start critiquing the bodies of female centers’ in basketball. I mean McCarvell is only like 21 and a female center! That’s just unethical and wrong.

Unless that is…. You can find me a great looking center. Was Rebecca Lobo a center? She’s got some fantastic horse teeth!

Then there was almost-VP, Sean, wearing his cranckypants about how I ‘stole’ his scale for women. Pfff is all I can say. Am I not able to hum the theme to Sanford and Sons (like at the ol’ liquor store)? Am I not able to walk into another liquor store and say,

Sean, I will use (steal) any great material from you during the liquor store days. And I will add,
‘Don’t playa hate, playa particiPATE!’

[Sean’s GF reading last Thursdays ‘The Illustrious four pack’ entry]
GF: Hey honey dumpling, Berg here has this scale that critiques women in four different categories of cute, beautiful, pretty, and hot.
Sean: That bitch, that’s my scale! He totally stole my idea!
GF: You mean, YOU came up with this disrespectful, ‘slotting’ of women? Is this how you spent all day at that liquor store?
Sean: Uh, no… uh DOH!
[Sean brings his fist up to the sky and shakes violently: DAMMIT BERG! YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF SEAN!

And I didn’t, because he gave me that message, which sparked off this whole little skit anyway.

Ah yes

The Crap List

1. Manhood
Ok this is referring to that badass brawl that happened in Detroit last Friday. Why does everyone feel the need to puff out their manhood whenever they get pushed? I mean ok you can either push back or you can just say, ‘Go to hell’ and not even waste the time.
No, ya always gotta fight. Ya gotta stick up for yourself because if some stupid f&cktard wants to start something with you, you have to follow through. I mean I understand that emotions run wild in the middle of the game, but aren’t players (or anyone) mentally stronger if they can control their emotions and use it to their advantage down the stretch of the game?

I believe Stephen A. Smith said after Garnett was slugged in the face by Anthony Peeler, that he should’ve fought back.

LIKE HELL HE SHOULD’VE! That would’ve been the most selfish action of that entire year. Whatever Steven A. Smith says is never worth repeating, but even the notion of the years MVP trying to prove his manhood to Anthony Peeler is just downright retarded!

Not to mention that watching basketball players fighting is just a pathetic scene because of their body type. You have these 6’6-7’1 guys all trying to swing their arms and land one right in the face. It ends up looking like the sloppiest fight ever with the gangly arms wildly being thrown in the air and the basketball shoes being used to try and stomp someone’s face in. All you need is the dust and you’d have yourself a regular ‘cartoon’ fight where everything seems to revolve, clockwise around that cloud of dust.

Baseball players fighting, now that’s’ cool! The batter comes at the pitcher with their big ass bat and the catcher is trying to put the dude in a headlock. That’s sweet!

2. The parents of Kiki Vandeweghe
That name is about one of the stupidest names I have ever heard! Lets name our kid ‘Kiki’ after that dumb Elton John song with Kiki Dee. I don’t know if that was the case or not, but I’ll assume so. This is a guy that probably hasn’t been in a fight because can you imagine someone saying,
“Cmon Kiki, whatcha got?”
“You mother f&ckin’ punk-ass beotch, you’re dead Kiki!”

It’s just not worth it. Why couldn’t they give him a regular name like Gary, or Trent, or Vladamir?

3. The 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates
Any team that has their own theme song will probably end up on this list someday. This one came to mind based on everything: having been played through the era of disco, their uniforms, and ‘We Are Family’ as their theme song. I no longer need think about Loren Jackson in order to gag when there is the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates. Think of the October setting in Pittsburgh and watching these guys come out in the field with Sister Sledge blaring through the awful Three Rivers Stadium loudspeakers.
‘We-are-fam-ily, I-got-all-my-sisters-and-me’ Maybe for the WNBA, but not for a team of guys.

4. College Football
This is the dumbest league I have ever known. Okay lets say there are 4 teams that end up with undefeated records, Oklahoma, Auburn, Boise St., and Harvard (just throwing a team out). Coaches then vote for the these teams to play in a bowl. Well if I’m the Kansas St. coach, I’m going to vote for the Sooners because if they go to the Orange bowl, then my conference and school with get more money. Then, between these four teams, whoever has been on tv the most, has the most coaches in their conference voting, and had the luck of picking a hard schedule will probably end up going to the Orange bowl.

So, can a great team come out of the WAC? Sure, but because of how ‘weak’ the conference is, there’s little chance of winning a national title unless you happen to pick the three best teams in the country to play during your non conference schedule.

So what relieves this? A god damn playoff system, which all the big sh*ts are afraid to utilize. I don’t believe there has been a champion in the last 10years (other than Oklahoma) because unless there are one/two teams left with the best overall record, there really isn’t a good way to find a champion based on this system.

Babes on Thursday, although I don’t know what theme to focus on.

I really want to do commercials, but I don’t know.

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