Search This Blog

Thursday, November 18, 2004

the illustrious 'four pack'

(She had her drink in her hand, She had her toes in the sand and whoa! Ha, haWhat a beautiful girl, ah yeah)

Ah yes, the babe entry.

Before I start, I want to avoid stupid emails that say something like,
“Hey man, that’s BS, because it’s totally subjective”.

Well DUH!

It couldn’t be more subjective unless I named my blog that, which I did.

And then there’s the whole ‘degrading’ part and that’s not my intent to degrade these women. In fact, if one of these women gave a small part of a damn, I would be very honored! I’m kinda sure that these women don’t need my assurance anyway to make them feel any better or worse. This coming from a guy that entered an ‘air-guitar/lype syncing’ contest at First Ave. (yes the same stage where purple rain was filmed).

I am also trying to organize these honeys so I don’t scramble any brains. They will be organized by what they do… like movies, music, shows, commercials, supermodels, and Tom’s hall of fame.

These are the people that are usually regarded as ‘beautiful people’. I, serving as the polar opposite of those ravers, have to then ‘tell it like it is’ just to pull the world back to it’s already wobbly axis. There is no need to wobble it even more.

Therefore, in a sense you could say that I am saving the world with this, here, entry.

They will also be graded on a bunch of different scales

-Theres the 1-10 scale 1 being (all-out ugly, overrated, got pulverized with the ‘ugly stick’ or all of the above, but still ‘do-able’ in the sence that if I was on a desert Island without any resourses and nothing more than a coping saw and that woman, I would probably go and take Ms. Overrated for a spin (if possible)before I saw off my appendages.) This 1-10 scale is only used for these ‘celebrity’ people, not everyday people that walk the street. Then the scale would be changed a bit.

-Pretty: just all out a good-looking woman
-Beautiful: Someone that just looks good without makeup. An all American hottie
-Hot: usually referring to porn stars. Probably someone ya wouldn’t be able to have a conversation with.
-Cute: this is someone who really doesn’t apply to one of the above. Very much attractive, but doesn’t have a good ass, or something.

As a rule of thumb, I really go for dark hair, dark eyes.
Dark hair and light eyes is just weird, the honey looks like Satan or something.

Light hair and light eyes is just too typical.
But that’s all generalizations anyway.

Lets start out with


Britney Spears
Eh, I don’t know. Her latest video ‘My Prerogative’ isn’t anything worth dreaming about. In fact I think the Britney stock is really starting to plunge if it didn’t already. Maybe it’s because her schoolgirl heyday is over and now she’s just awful. She’s not a 1 and she’s nowhere near a 10, but I think she’s worth (at this time) a 5 at best. I’m just getting sick of her

Christina Aguilera
When she first busted in the scene I thought she would’ve been Rick Aguilera’s daughter, but a closer just cannot help conceive a ho-bag like this. A Twins closer no less. Conan O’Brien himself even called her a ho. There’s a point where ya gotta stop trying so hard Xtina, I mean Britney’s got you beat in a category ya’ll shouldn’t be proud about.
She’s a 4.

Madonna is clearly a wildcard. She’s someone that actually changes her look every other month. She’s blond or brunette and ya can’t really guess sometimes. There was a time she would’ve reached a 8, but now she’s a 5-6 because she’s into the MILF stage.

Avril Lavigne
I don’t know what the hell people are talking about with this one. Granted she does have her own look, but she looks like a teenager going through a phase. She’s not someone I’d turn my head for, and I’ve turned my head for tree trunks before.
Avril gets a 1.

Sheryl Crow
Crow is interesting and I know I may not hold the majority on this one. When she first busted out in the scene, she was cute and coming very close to the pretty category (with her white-ass teeth). She was an all American country girl at that point. All her videos are pretty rock solid especially the underrated video of “A Change (will Do You Good)”, but I think Ellen kinda shut down that video.
Then she came out with “Soak Up the Sun” and everyone was a gas.
“Oh how can a 40 year old look like that? Damn, she’s smoking!” and so on. In my opinion, she had an tripped over a rake and landed on the ugly stick in that video.

Since then she has bounced back and now she is up to where she used to be. By the way, that picture of her looks nothing like her.
Country singers
Now the genre of country is where all the great looking women are. This is the only reason why I watch GAC.

Faith Hill
Yeah, she’s a good-looking gal for being blond. I’d put her in the cute, and beautiful category. Yeah, Tim McGraw is a bastard like his dad.

Shania Twain
Earlier in her career, when they were just starting out with the ‘pop-country’ she was an absolute 10. Unfortunately she kinda falls under the ‘She looks great from far away syndrome’ that some women fall under. Not that I know, I just have a hunch. I mean, she’s a country artist from Canada. She married the producer of Def Leppard and Bryan Adams and the guy’s name is Mutt. Think about it.
She’s still pretty hot though.

Gretchen Wilson
This is the newcomer to the world of country. Her videos feature her running around yakkin’ about redneck stuff. I’m sure to a particular demographic, she’s as hot as it gets. Unfortunately being the Minnesotan (northerner)I am, she’s really not that great to look at. In fact her face looks like someone F’d up somewhere. However, she’s still hotter than most pop singers. She just suffers from being in a genre of great looking musicians.

Sara Evans
This may be the most controversial entry today. Sara is (in my mind) as smokin’ as it gets. She’s got the smile, she’s got the voice, she’s got the face, and her videos are great! My buddies don’t agree saying that she’s ‘sub par’ and ‘alright’ looking.
Sara Evans is the reason why I would even have a ‘country’ category like this one. Have you seen her ‘born to fly video’? Oh man, you’ll never leave the house.
10: pretty, cute, beautiful, AND hot.

Sex and the City
I think I may have watched one episode of this boring show during a boring night. The difference between this show and Desperate Housewives is that there are more good-looking women in DH. Sex in the City only has one great looking woman and that's it. Let’s examine.

Sarah Jessica Parker
BLEWAHHH I just spit out my pop. Parker is simply not anywhere near the vicinity of good looking. I don’t know what the fuss is all about, she just doesn’t have it. I do wish that she and Adrian Brody could hook up because I would like to see if they could actually kiss like normal people with their as big as they are. Their mouths would probably still be an inch apart and their noses touching each other’s cheek
1.5 maybe

Kim Cattrall
She’s a poor man’s Shannon Tweed. She’s not AS bad as Parker, but not much better either.
Cynthia Nixon
I’m still not seeing these attractive women yet.

Kristin Davis
Ah here we go. Hands down, mountain above plains, spank my ass and call me Tom- the best thing that went for Sex and the City. Davis is the prototype of great looking women. She’s got the face, the rump, and the smile. She’s got it all baby!
Remember her on that Nextel commercial? She’s the best idea Nextel ever came up with.
9.5 Cute, beautiful, pretty, touching the threshold of ‘hot’.

Desperate Housewives
Now this show, this show is something I can watch. I don’t know what the hell these beotches are talking about, but I don’t care because there are a high proportion of good-looking women here.

Teri Hatcher
Can anyone honestly say they watched ‘The Adventures of Superman’ for Dean Cain? I can! Well actually, I can’t. I’m not a Superman fan, but Hatcher is a different story. Although, the numerous Radio Shack commercials she used to star in across from Howie Long caused her stock to plummet, Housewives has definitely more than made up for that crap.

Nicolette Sheridan
I know how to answer this.
(last Monday night with my hypothetical 4 year old)
TV: Screw football lets get it on Terrell… or whatever that skit was with Terrell Owens
Lil’ Billy Berg: Daddy, what was that and what did that mean?
Berg: I don’t know, and I don’t care. Remember Billy, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.
I really don’t know what the controversy’s about.

Marcia Cross
Eh, she’s no Teri Hatcher, but she’s no Sarah Jessica Parker either. Nothing really to say here other than she holds her own in the show

Eva Longoria
Just when you thought that Teri Hatcher would hands down be the heart stopper of the show, then comes Eva Longoria. OH MAN!!! She is the Joe Mauer of Desperate Housewives. There’s the leader, Hunter/Radke (that’s Hatcher) then there’s the role players; Punto, Blanco, Ford, and Rincon (which is Cross). Eva is just SOOO hot. If Eva and Teri were not on this show, I wouldn’t watch. Honestly
10 Hot, cute, beautiful AND pretty (the four pack)

The ONLY reason why anyone would watch this is because of the women. Alright every once in awhile they’d crack up a joke or two but the women owned the show.

Courtney Cox
She’s pretty it’s just that she seems to be like 50. Maybe it’s because she’s Alex P. Keaton’s girlfriend in Family Ties or that she starred in that Bruce Springsteen video (Dancin’ in the Dark). Those were both 80’s shows and her character in friends wasn’t that different. However; it still makes me mad that someone like David Arquette would be able to court her. The guy’s a dork. Then again, I’m a dork, so there’s hope!

Lisa Kudrow
She’s a total make up dependant woman from what I can see. She’s almost forty, and if you look close enough, you can tell. She’s got an annoying voice too. She doesn’t reach the depths of SJP though. Not many people do.

Jennifer Aniston
Rock solid. There was a time when Aniston OWNED friends. There was a time where I was pissed that some dumbass like Ross would be with someone like Rachel. It’s easy for me to say that if Aniston wasn’t on this show, It wouldn’t have lasted close to as long as it did. The question remains though, which was better; early season Rachel or later season Rachel? That’s a REALLY tough question. I would have to go with early-mid season Rachel.
10 (anyone that stirs a debate like that HAS to be a ten

Damn this is getting way too long
I still have movies and commercials to deal with. I’m going to have to deal with this next week.

football picks tomorrow


Eric Wormann said...

Your taste is almost identical to mine. Brilliant post.

Hannes said...

Hot women! Something I can relate to, and football, we're like siamese twins. Or not.

I think a brunette with light eyes, like green or hazel, is incredibly hot.

On pure hotness alone, I have to put Britney and Xtina up in the 8-10. The ho factor lowers that value certainly, but Xtina simply has the hottest body on the planet I think. Now Xtina is kind of freaky in a way because she's got the craziest hair styles. It makes her look just ... incredibly out of place. I know I said I like brunette with light eyes, but when she had the jet black hair and her crystal blue eyes, it kind of freaked me out.

There's a law somewhere in Nashville that says if you want to work in this town you have to look good. I'm sure of it, there're hot country singers popping out of the woodwork down there, there are no ugly ones or even plain looking ones.

I have to say I'm a lower body man. Ass+thighs. Boobs are good too but a seriously perfect ass/thigh is pretty much any volleyball player. Thank you Olympic tv coverage.

Boof said...

I must admit If I ever was watching the Olympics this summer, it was for women's volleyball.
The Swedish team specifically were great looking. They even went as far as putting advertisements (mostly the Sweden flag) on their tops in the aeriola (spell?) area.

Just that, as H was sayin, they're so freakin damn tall!

Anonymous said...

The problem with my statement was that when I was in a party house (go Team 1075), I lived with athletes so we had athlete parties, and you see so and so, and you can instantly point out that yes, these guys are golfers (golf polos and golf hats or visors), and yes there is the swimming team (chlorine hair, huge shoulders), so on, and obviously when you see four women at like 6'3" and they are chop stick thin, you go a-ha here is the women's volleyball team. They was definitely not the women on the beach volleyball courts winning the gold, they were hot.

Tom, you may need to do a section on women in sports -
the softball girl, I forgot her name, Sharapova, Amy Acuff (high-jumper oh my), Ashley Judd (what she's at all the UK b-ball games), and then let's add Whalen our favorite Ms gopher, McCarville, and Brian Boitono, no one's convinced me yet he's a dude.


Hannes said...

And another great tv show for hot girls is North Shore. That show has some sort of monopoly on incredibly hot women.

VP Sean said...

Damnit, Berg. First off, let's give credit where credit is due. While the 1-10 scale is fairly widely practiced, you got the whole C/P/B/H thing from ME! And no credit? Wounded I am sir! Anways, regardless, my Gf is sitting here reading your blog and mentions it, and I sorta mentioned it was something I came up with, and now she thinks I'm a pig. Mostly cause you forgot to mention (until some of the reviews) that overlap exists. Of course it's possible to be more than 1 of the 4 categories!

Anyways, Sarah Jessica Parker doesn't even deserve the point you gave her, should just be .5, or maybe .08 like the legal driving limit.