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Thursday, November 25, 2004

More 'Babe's' to Evaluate

(Ooooooooh You’ve got to just (vogue) let your body move to the music, Ooooooooh you’ve got to just VOGUE, VOGUE, VOGUE)

Before you do anything click here for a special message from me.

Typing up this blog for Thanksgiving reminds me of the old days in how I would spend New Years Eve.
I would be watching Dick Clark's 'New Years Rockin' Eve' and right when the clock turned midnight, I would turn the channel to some public access station because I wanted to be the only person in the world to be watching that channel at that specific time. Those days sparked my interest for public access cable (specifically Minneapolis public access cable) and complete boredom.

As you folk (s) are shaking your head and frowning, let me remind you that my genetics come from a man from Wisconsin and a woman from Iowa.

Any unanswered questions about myself always ends up being directed to that last point.

Hog, you were a little too late on your MILF request for babes although it is a brilliant idea. H actually beat you to the punch. If my memory serves me correctly, H wanted me to rank the ‘centers of the WNBA’


Lets start out with…ah…

Slobodanka Tuvic
I must admit, I’ve never seen her play. In fact, I never knew she played basketball. In fact, in fact, I never even knew a woman named Slobadanka existed. However; I am ignorant, so that answers a lot. Judging by her picture on she looks like a mannequin in her mug shot. Wasn’t she in that Herbie Hancock video? No offense to Slobo or any female center, but I just would never ‘tap’ a center. Maybe a guard. Maybe even a forward (if I went backpacking for a month with her). I’ve seen worse though.
Uh… a 1???

Lisa Leslie
She’s a model… uh…


Screw you H!

Nah actually today I REALLY wanted to talk about babes in commercials and give my all time favorite commercials.

Same scales apply

I’ll start out with the….

Coors Light twins
Let me be the first to say that they are over-RATED!! They seem to be porn star knock offs (and not in that subtle way). I can honestly say that when I’m at the football viewing restaurant I wont even look at this commercial. Maybe it’s because they never show those twins for longer than 2 seconds or that they are just plain ole butt ugly for a beer commercial. Whatever, at least if it were twins of Slobodanka Tuvic it would be a surprise.
4 (because beer commercials can do better than that)

But light commercial babes (as a whole)
I have to clump all these together because ALL OF THEM feature some really fine looking hotties. The first that comes to mind is that ref on the beach with that couple. Anyway hottie (with the disproportionate body) ends up getting interested with reffie. NOW she is a definite hottie! As annoying as that ref was, secretly was thinking,
“Good call there ref, don’t need to go back to the booth with that one!”.
Then there’s the dude that dollying a couple cases of budlight to a couple hotties in the bar. They don’t show the hotties nearly enough as they should, but it sure was nice for the first 5 seconds of the commercial.
Then there’s the dumbass that gets a male model to fill in for his non-model self. His wife, by the way is an extreme hottie. She ends up ‘doin’ the model and telling the husband that he was a ‘real tiger earlier today’. Just give me the chance baby!
Then lets not forget, lets NOT forget the famous bud light mud wrestling commercial. That was a work of art! If I were ever in the mood for cheap ass light beer-made-from-rice-that-would-be-banned-in-other-countries-for-not-reaching-quality-standarts, Bud light would indeed be that beer. Indeed
10 (I applaud you Bud light!)

Michalobe Ultra
This is another company that can pick a genuine hottie. Their commercials don’t make a lick of sense with all the extreme sports going on and right away downing a beer. You’d think it were a Gatorade commercial or at least an old school juicyfruit advertisement (ah remember those, EVERYBODY: Juicy fruit, is gonna move ya, it tastes so soft, it moves right through ya, Juicy fruit the taste, the taste, the taste is gonna MOVE YA!)

Thank you, thank you.

Nah, that commercial where hottie and kiss-ass are in the meeting and decide to go inline skating is a damn fine hottie. I don’t know how to skate, but I’d definitely be up for it. I may even drink the beer shortly afterwords. Although my tolerance is so low that I may even get wasted from a single bottle of ‘Ultra’. Then of course I would probably end up groping her, trying to skate from the cops, and finally end up tripping over a giant curb and tearing my lower abdomen AND getting fired from that dumb job anyway.
It would all be worth it though.
Another 10

Frogs, dudes, horses kicking field goals, and true(?)
Muy mal budweier.


T-mobile with Katherine Zeta-Jones
Eh, these commercials feature ‘Zeta’ blabbing about T-mobile and something else. She’s alright outside of the commercials, but I just don’t ‘dig’ the accent (and I love accents) and she just doesn’t look up to potential


Payless shoes with Starr Jones
Ugh… I remember the first commercial she used to do. They’s show shoes on most of the screen and then Jones’s mug would be shot from another side of the screen. Most people’s mugs would take about 75% or so of that screen, Jones’s took like 110% of that little box. It didn’t seem possible! Just goes to show that Jones is cutting edge, literally.
2 (because she’s RICH BEOTCH!)

The problem with a lot of these commercials is that no-one knows who the hell these hotties are! I’m starting to think that they are all computer generated. This commercial is relatively new in that she’s in the desert and talking about how the Tercell or whatever acts when…. Actually I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. All I do know is that she’s dark, long hair, dark eyes, wearing short-shorts with great legs, AND has a damn fine accent. I’m a fan!

Have you seen this one. It’s where this woman is blathering about how her husband can now get it up. It’s the one where they’re hanging out at their (or someone else) garage. I just don’t know. She looks alright and she seems really happy, but there’s something to her. I get this feeling that her husband is cheating on her because she just can’t ‘make it happen’ anymore. I don’t think it’s a Levitra problem, rather a ‘start looking hotter, NOW’ problem. She’s got potential though, but the clock is ticking.
2 (because she’s got problems)

oh then there’s girl
Wow. She’s almost worse than a best buy rewards zone card. Whenever I see this commercial I want to buy random things from hoping that overstock will screw up and send her in the box instead of my ‘Mick ultra bottle holder collection’. It goes beyond that too. She can be seen in this bad ass tennis outfit sporting pigtails… it’s just not fair! Then she’s all office-boss like in her conservative look…damn. Finally, she’s nude talking about….something(?). I’m a fan!

Tom’s all time hall of fame

Subway’s ‘Opa’ commercial

By far the best commercial ever simply because it doesn’t feature that prick, Jared but also because this opa girl was great looking! Now you probably don’t remember it because it wasn’t like she was wearing a miniskirt or anything. Actually she looked very conservative. I think it’s just because she doesn’t seem so much like a fantasy even though I could come a great fantasy though. ~~~~having a great night and heading back to my place…..”Say it BITCH, SAY IT!!!”
And the fantasy ending with,

Listerine commercial
I remember they used to brag about how it only takes the length of a commercial to rinse your mouth out with a swig of this. This one commercial had this woman rinsing out her teeth like a regular person. The great thing about this was the looks she was giving as she was cleaning her teeth. It was almost as if she was in the middle of something else. Oh she had great eyes and a face (because that’s all one could see). The ending is great though. She spits and raises one eyebrow like “yeah, I know what you’re thinking”

That Doritos commercial
You know which one I’m talking about. The woman is in the laundry mat flingin 3D Doritos around when she ends up doing the splits. Being in a laundry mat alone with Ali Landry is great enough but the splits? I think after that aired, men everywhere were running for the bathroom and the local Laundromat.

And that’s all I can think of at the moment.

Any great commercials please feel free to drop a comment because I KNOW I forgot a couple.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone


Hog said...

Berg I have two words for you about those voice cards

comic brilliance

Anonymous said...

Tommy Boy,
I've talked to Doogie and gotten some info on hot women in the WNBA...I've got two names for you. Stacey Dales-Schuman ( and Sue Bird, who says she's real cute when all dolled up. ( Sorry I don't know how to do the hyperlink thing.

Doritos girl - Ali Landry.

You watch too much tv to know all the television girls. Stick to women people would understand, a la Charlize Theoren (pre-Monster roll), smokin in Italian Job, Jessica Alba, oh my, or maybe Asia Argento from XXX.

I'll try to post my list sometime on my site.