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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Tom Talks All About Ass

(my anaconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns hon, you could do side bends or sit-ups but please don’t lose that butt)

I couldn’t agree more.

For a primer to my ‘babes’ entry (coming this Thursday) I will send my love to the butt.

I’m one of the few white males that enjoy this wonderful body part. It’s the reason why I will suffer from neck spasms in the future.

Its ranks like this for the female,

1. butt
2. hips
3. mid range (belly button and the sort)
4. boobs
5. thighs

…which is probably in the minority, but like gay people, I was born with my love for the butt I can’t choose.

I just can’t help it!

Boobs are alright, but I found out that boobs are a lot like dogs with tumors.

Tom’s second anecdote of the week

One day at the St. Paul Yacht Club, a boat came in to the good ole gas dock for a fuel up. They had this dog featuring this big bulge coming out of its neck.

I went to pet the dog when I went,

“Ewwww what’s that thing?” in the most manly way I can think of.
“It’s just a tumor. It’s ok it doesn’t hurt the dog at all” Just like Arnold would say.

So instead of petting the dog, I’m just holding this big ass tumor—like a boob.

It felt just like a funbag except that it was really hairy, but it was about the same size as a boob. Actually it was an above average boob, probably a mid-range C-cup.

I was fascinated with this dog’s tumor however; I had a job to do. So as I put the tumor down, I went about my business gassing up the boat.

Just another day at the Yacht club.

I think ever since that fateful day, I’ve been more of an ‘ass man’. There’s nothing like a nice, big, round rump that is just asking to be slapped. Not that I slap every nice ass, but it stirs up the imagination.

There is however; such a thing as too much ass. This is when it’s blatently obvious where the woman is stuffing charmin in their pants, when the ass doesn’t have that patented shape like it should.

Us ‘ass men’ know when we see a ‘bunk ass’ and it really isn’t appreciated.

Now you may be asking about my view on J-lo.

J-lo’s ass is about as big as it gets before it’s just too big. She reaches the upper threshold of butt continuing to push the ass-envelope.

I remember seeing Selena in high school Spanish class and when I saw that ass, muy bien! I almost gave her a standing ovation in class, but that isn’t tolerated in third year Spanish class. At that point I almost became a Selena fan… until I realized it was Jennifer Lopez and then I became a J-lo fan…AS AN ACTRESS, AS AN ACTRESS. I cannot stress that enough.

Then there’s something like Mariah Carey wearing short-shorts, where the ass is just spilling out all over the place. Ya got the ricotta cheese thing going nuts and it’s just something you could wipe the floor with. This is indeed muy mal. When one looks like they can take a dump and NOT take off their pants, that’s not a good thing.

I think it may be genetic too. My dad (like me) cannot hide the fact that he’s oogling (the term for woman watching) everyone in a 50’ radius.

If a woman walks by, I’m going to bend over backwards hoping that she does the same…ah only frontwards.

You boob men may have something to play with, but us ass men are the real renaissance men of women’s beauty.

ALL ASSMEN COME AND WRITE A COMMENT BELOW AND UNITE!!!

1 comment:

Hog said...

Let us rejoice in the words of this holy man fellas. Hello, my name is Jusin and I am an assman.