Search This Blog

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

The Awkwardness Vacuum!

(And in 25 minutes I’ll be in hell, I got 24 minutes to go)

Well, one of my good friends is getting married on Friday. I’m not thrilled by it mainly because I really hate weddings. Everything about weddings is just very foreign to me, the planning, the setting, gifts, family, the tradition, cutting of the cake, and even the reception.

I hate all of it like I hate figure skating. It just doesn’t make a lick of sense to me. I mean a couple lives together for so long until they take the ‘next step’. That being marriage.

Well what the hell is the difference if you’re a couple, living together, going grocery shopping together, and still having a healthy sex life than being a married couple? I guess it’s the commitment, but is that to say that a couple isn’t committed if they are not married?

Ah crap, now I’m starting to ask questions as if I were just forced to go to church.

One thing I have never understood is why people cry at weddings? I mean why? They have a whole crap load of gifts, money and they’re probably going on a sweet honeymoon in a week or so. Odds are they may even get a divorce in the next couple years, so why cry?

Funerals on the other hand, are completely fascinating to me. There isn’t any awkwardness because someone’s lying dead in a casket! Who gives a crap about who says what to whom, there’s a dead guy in the front of the room! The corpse acts like a vacuum that sucks all awkwardness out of a room!

Kinda makes you wonder why there wasn’t a dead guy in the room when ya first met your girlfriends parents after they heard ya ‘messing around’ with her the previous night, or when ya accidentally called some guy a racial slur at the pool hall, or when your mom ‘caught’ ya . I mean you could just say,
“Hey, don’t mind me, just squeezin’ one off Ma. Ol’Randy needs a little dusting by the way”

If you ever want to see any reality television, have a show that features a dead person in a casket at all times. Now that’s the real fuckin’ world!

I like funerals better than weddings because it’s simple, ya stand around and talk about the person that died and remember all the good times. Not to mention there’s a ton of meat, cheese, and crackers.
What a great way to mourn!

Seems like a hell of a deal! Plus, you see people that are emotionally ‘stripped down’ and you find out what they are really like, how they really cared for the deceased, and how they help the others in mourning. Not to mention that it’s all planned out in a matter of days. Whereas weddings can take years!

Yeah, it’s terrible when people die, but it is a vital part of the life cycle! I’m gonna die, your gonna die, and even Brett Favre will end up passing away at some point.

Speaking of which, I want to talk a little about desperation and how freaking sad it can be.

It’s like back in high school how ya had to get laid before you went to college because ‘it’s what you do’. So it’s senior year and you’ll pretty much fuck a tree (if it consents) just to get the ‘virgin’ stamp out of the way. Well ya end up finding someone and you just going through the thirty-second motion and then,
BLAMMO, it’s the next damn day. The guy ends up staying with that woman forever because he believes ‘she’s the only one that will ever fuck him’ and that’s it. Is there any reason for that kind of desperation at 18? I don’t think so, and I don’t think it’s really needed at 25 either.

It’s just sad!

When I turned 25 and had to start paying insurance and (for some reason) that was what triggered my quarter life crisis. I mean I kept thinking about where I was in life and how it should be different. I was watching a Falcons game when I found out that Mike Vick is 24 and he was dodging defender after defender and finally, threw an incomplete pass.

And what the hell am I doing? Why aren’t I a quarterback in the NFL?


Well it didn’t go that far, but it was something vaguely like that.
And actually, I have contacted the Bears.


I can finally sleep now and I can come to terms with how stupid it is to be desperate about anything right now.. In fact, it’s stupid to think anything but anticipation because ya got your whole damn life ahead of you!

Ugh, sorry about this dumb ‘Full House’ episode I wrote you, I just needed to vent a bit.

Anyway, Tomorrow I’ll rate some MILFs!

No comments: