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Monday, December 27, 2004

The Berg Christmas

(I wont let this build up inside of me, I wont let this build up inside of me)

I must admit, that I didn’t receive an exceptionally stupid gift this year. Actually, I got some pretty decent gifts except for one.

The damn picture frame with the $4 price tag still on it. It wasn’t even worth wrapping. I don’t take many pictures at all and I don’t have any in my temporary room, so I don’t know what the crap I’m going to do with it. Perhaps, when I’m bored at work I’ll throw it against a wall to see what it does.

Maybe it’s not so bad of a gift after all.

Nah, I got some good clothes: a nice lined-denim-buttoned-up shirt, a Gophers fleece, and a Best Buy gift card. The best present was from my bro who bought me these phat Homer slippers. It’s kinda of conflicting in that whenever I wear them, I feel that my manhood has dropped down a notch, and I feel like a goofball. Then again, I do have a decent and long relationship with the Simpson’s, so it might even out. Also, take into account that I am a goofball with or without Homer slippers and then it was probably a great gift.

I ended up purchasing a decent pillow for my mom (it’s cool in that it’s made of sand or something so it really squishes). Then I got my Dad a rube-like NASCAR polo crew chief shirt, which he liked. My Bro got Tony Hawk Underground 2, which he appreciated as well.

Seeing as everyone got clothes and other non-entertaining gifts, the rest of the day was a complete bore. Nothing-on TV, but those dumb basketball games.

Then there was the Vikes game from Friday.

No fuckin comment on that…

Great segue to…

THE CRAP LIST

1. The boredom that always comes with Christmas
I blame this on the stupid tv programmers for having some really stupid shows on. It starts out with the parades. Parades are stupid in real life and they are even more horrible watching them on TV. I once was apart of a small production TV broadcast of a parade in Marshall back when I was a radio/tv major and they are stupid from that angle too. Only the people that enjoy figure skating and wait all day in front of Target for a close parking spot watch parades.
Then the commentators act as if we’re blind by telling us what we already know.

“Oh look and it’s the Marlboro float with the Marlboro man”
“Yes Chuck, it is indeed the Marlboro man and it looks like he’s throwing out free packs of Marlboro cigarettes for the children. That’s so sweet.
“Yes Brunhilda, a lucky kid that receives the golden pack will receive a lifetimes worth of cigarettes”

When I was younger, the only reason why I would go to parades is for the candy. Now that I am older and more mature, I just go to the store the day after Easter and buy all the chocolate bunnies I want for 90% off.
Pfff fuck parades!

2. TV shows on Christmas (boredom part II)
Who were the geniuses at TBS and WGN that decided to show Home Alone at the exact same time? It was at 6pm or something that both channels, back to back, had started this movie at the exact same time. Whats even worse is you have complete and mature fools like me that flip from TBS to WGN, trying to hear the echo of scenes (because WGN was behind by 5 seconds).

Ugh, and then, Jingle All the Way was on continuously all day on FX network. This is a horrible Christmas movie starting all the way with the general dynamics of the movie.

I know when I think a Minnesota Christmas, I think of a bright blue sky with no traces of salt or sand on the streets and cars that look brand new. Nah actually a Minnesota Christmas consists of dead, brown grass, disgusting looking cars, and crotchety people bitching about the weather or Vikings football. I mean it’s pretty obvious that the movie wasn’t filmed in the winter and then there’s Arnold, which is beyond me why the fuck this guy is in the movie. I mean, I know we have our share of minorities here in the Twin Cities ranging from Hmong to people of Mexican decent but a short Austrian dude is a little ridiculous.

Despite this stupid debacle of a Christmas movie, I was still compelled to watch it because there was nothing else on.

3. TV programming on Christmas (boredom part III)
This is actually the day before Christmas, but the announcers and programs that pretty much suck Brett Favre’s dick has got to stop. I woke up on Friday with both TVs tuned onto some stupid Brett Favre documentary explaining how some touchdown was ‘magical’ and ‘godlike’.

You know, Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl! Doug Williams also won one. Brett Favre is a good quarterback but he’s not worth popping 27 boners over. It seems that announcers should have a set of napkins next to them with all the love they express to Favre. Maybe even a j*z moppers would be necessary if the Packers played on Sunday night when Theisman is around.

4. My Dad’s love of action figures that sing and swing their hips.
Two years ago, my Dad got me this little Viking dude that sings and swings it’s hips to the Monday Night Football theme. He thought it was one of the funniest things ever and my family would just never get sick of it. Apparently I didn’t receive that gene that blocks irritation because I was the only one who wanted to run it over with Santa’s sleigh.
This year my Dad bought this midget size Santa that swings it’s hips and sings Jingle Bells. The fuckin thing goes on for about five minutes and it has a motion detector, so every time you walk in front of it, it sings the stupid song.
This midget sized Santa is really scary in that it looks lifelike and the hands look like they’ll strangle you if you’re not paying attention.
Of course my Mom dances everytime Santa busts into song and my Dad just laughs because,
“It’s cute”

For the love of god… Is this how we celebrate Jesus’ birthday; with dancing, annoying, scary Santa’s?

5. Donald Rumsfelt visiting the troops on Christmas Eve.
Maybe I’m the only one annoyed with this, but does he really think that his presence will make the soldiers’ Christmas any better? It almost seems like a slap in the face to the troops,
“Hey guys, guess who gets to go back to their family tomorrow? HA HA!”

It would be like me having to work during a Vikings Super Bowl,

CEO: “Thanks Tom for all your work.”
Tom: “You’re a fuckin dick, you bitch! What the hell is wrong with you?”

I mean I would understand it if that woman from that Olive Garden commercial came there to support the troops or even that slut, Paris Hilton, but Donald Rumsfeld?

6. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra (bonus Crap)
If I hear them one more time…
Til tomorrow

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