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Friday, December 10, 2004

Dog Bites off Testicle

(WELL IF YOU’RE SO SORRY YOU CAN TAKE MY PLACE with 14 minutes to go)

Oh my god, I have been dying of boredom. These damn Minnesota days where the weather just can’t figure out what the hell it wants to do is just killing me.

Here’s an excellent link to kill a couple minutes. Just type in a band and it will give you a web of other similar bands. It even knows the obscure ones!

Part of the reason for the boredom is that I can’t seem to wake up at a decent time…and I blame Mother Nature for that problem. See, I work at night so I don’t really have a good reason to wake up early other than I don’t want to sleep the day away. So I always wake up with the option of waking up.

Well every time I wake up and it’s dark and overcast, my body tells me to stay in bed. Then I turn on the radio and end up sleeping with PA and Dubay ranting and raving about dogs chewing off testicles and I get these totally screwed up dreams. One time I dreamed I was driving away from the cops (cuz I was playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto) and I had the audio of PA and Dubay arguing about Vikings football.

I also find that I don’t need any drugs or alcohol anymore. I find that sleeping with talk radio on really loud fucks me up good enough. It’s not only the dreaming process that screws me up, but also the news I somehow retain in the process. Later in the day someone will walk up to me,
“Hey did you hear about that naked guy who got his dick bit off by a dog?”
and I’ll be like
“Uh yeah…..from… somewhere?… Where did I hear that from? I should know where I heard this from” And it will take me like an hour to figure it out.

The bad thing is that if I have a unusually vivid dream or breakthrough, I’ll immediately sit up and hit my head, really damn hard, on the bed above mine (yes I sleep on the bottom part of a bunk bed) in which case I instantly fall back asleep and forget about that ‘breakthrough’ I was experiencing.

Picks

Last week I went (11-5) and overall I’m (109-79 which is about 60%, or good enough for a D-)

Oakland @ Atlanta
What the hell happened to the Falcons last week? They laid an egg to none other than the buccaneers! I guess I should be rooting against the Falcons because they hold the 2 seed and if I ever want the vikes to ever have a 1st round bye, they gotta start losing. It’s a pipedream because the Vikes suck.
Falcons 24 Raiders 20

Cincinnati @ New England
The big talk now is not which team will have a 15-1 record but how many. You know who the last team to achieve a 15-1 record was. Well I’ll tell you when you’re older and when I’m not so bitter. Someone even mentioned that if New England and Pittsburgh both end up with 15-1 records, one team wont have home field advantage, which is amazing!
Patriots 23 Bengals 10

Chicago @ Jacksonville
You know, based on the record and their defense the Bears aren’t as bad as people make them out to be. They’re not a good team by any means but with a month left to go, they still have a chance to make the playoffs! Hey, Urlacher is a stud man!
Jaguars 23 Bears 9

NY Giants @ Baltimore
Is the Manning experiment over? I shouldn’t wish this on anyone but I hope Eli sucks for five years based on his whining about not wanting to go to the (was it the Chargers?).
Ravens 30 Giants 0

Indianapolis @ Houston
I hope they put a live camera on Dan Marino when Peyton breaks his touchdown mark. Marino would then break into tears and hold on for dear life to his ‘most passing yards in one season’ record that he currently owns. Man, the AFC playoffs could be the best TV I’ve seen in a long time.
Colts 31 Texans 17

Cleveland @ Buffalo
As I write this, that awful Breaking Benjamin song, ‘So Cold’ is playing. How appropriate for this game. A terrible song for a terrible game. Game plan: Give the ball to Willis until he’s cracked the 300 yd mark.
Bills 38 Browns 20

New Orleans @ Dallas
Have the Cowboys turned it around? I always play against the runningback running against the Saints. Dallas has this in the bag.
Cowboys 23 Saints 7

Detroit @ Green Bay
I am really hoping that the temperature is under 32 and the Lions ‘go to town’ on the Packers. Is that streak still going or did the Falcons nix that streak in that playoff game? Nonetheless, I gotta go with the Pack
Packers 28 Lions 7

NY Jets @ Pittsburgh
Can’t pick against the Steelers.
Steelers 31 Jets 20

Miami @ Denver
Hmmm wait a minute… gut says that the Dolphins may end up pulling this one out (hey, the Raiders did it!). Yeah, I’m picking the Dolphins.
Dolphins 23 Denver 17

San Francisco @ Arizona
Denny Green must be on the Nyquil again if he thought that Navarre would do anything last week. I mean come on. Some of those picks look make it look like I threw the ball.
Cardinals 27 49ers 23

Tampa Bay @ San Diego
Man, this game sucks, these are the kind of teams that need to play outdoors in the cold.
Chargers 35 Bucs 17

St. Louis @ Carolina
I’m totally on the Carolina bandwagon. Can they start a season 1-7 and end up making it to the playoffs? I sure as hell hope so!
Panthers 20 Rams 13

Philadelphia @ Washington
Yuck
Eagles 35 Redskins 10

Kansas City @ Tennessee
Anytime in the last 5 years, this would be the ultimate match up. Now it’s worthless!
Titans 24 Chiefs 20

Seattle @ Minnesota
I’m just not feeling it. Yeah, this game is at the Metrodome and the Vikes usually play decent at home, but they don’t have Winfield playing. Winfield was pretty much the only good defensive back they had. Then on offence Tice said he’d split up the carries 2:1 with Onterio running the ball more and as a whole, running the ball only 40% of the time. If you’re not behind, then why the fuck would you run an offense like that? It’s not that I have Onterrio on my fantasy team and I want him to score a lot of point (I mean that’s great if he does) but whether it’s Mewelde, Bennett, or the underused Moe Williams, RUN THE DAMN BALL MORE THAN 13 TIMES! I can just see the Vikings screwing this up this weekend and the fans booing. Then Tice will come out and criticize the fans for booing.
Seahawks 35 Vikings 24

I’m going to Damon’s in Oakdale on Sunday if anyone wants to watch this debacle.

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