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Monday, December 06, 2004

The Wedding

(So I wrote the gov’ner and the whole damn bunch, with 21 mintues to go,
and I called up the mayor and you know he’s out to lunch with 20 more minutes to go)

I have a late edition to my rant with the Vikings screwing it up in Chicago, but that will be in a little bit. First I must warn you because I am going to pat myself on the back, swim in an ocean of self-indulgence, and ‘toot my own horn’.

The wedding for my friend Shaun was last Friday and since you probably know my stance on weddings, you probably also know the punishment that I was in being involved with the wedding party.

Us groomsmen didn’t know, really, anybody at the wedding and me, being my competitive self, I was always thinking it’s a competition between the bridesmaids and the groomsmen to see who rules the wedding the most. That’s probably another reason why I hate weddings, because if it is a competition, the groomsmen don’t stand a chance.

It definitely was the case for the most part last Friday with the bridesmaids dominating the dance floor, the dressy appearance, and the ‘fun’ factor. They didn’t however; dominate the maid of honor/best man speech because I was the one in charge of that.

First was the crappy maid’s speech. Short, dumb, sappy, very little creativity in it. It was pretty much a,
“We’re so proud of you Mary, we love you.” And that was it.

(clap, clap YAY)

Then I got the mic.

-You know a speech is good when you make the groom/bride shit in their pants/dress.
-You know a speech is good when the groomsmen are thinking, ‘Is he really going to go There?’
-You know a speech is good when the bride looks up to you with the ugliest look in the history of mankind and thinking, ‘Oh my god, you’re ruining my wedding!’
-You know a speech is good when the theme is ‘Shaun’s Payback’ and it is actually paid back and kept clean to the audience.

It was beautiful! I touched on topics like: 3rd grade and my football pencils, numb chucks, my crotch, and the famous ‘Christmas party of 2001’.

The roller coaster ride of emotions for the bride and groom were as follows: happiness, laughter, reminiscence, shock, horror, fear, relief, relief, relief, and playful disgust.

The audience didn’t know a thing. They were busy laughing and a half dozen strangers approached me afterwards and considered it a ‘great speech’.

I 'get off' on the fact that with my hatred of weddings I was in the driver’s seat and had the power to easily apply the breaks and send the wedding to a screeching halt.

It was good stuff!

Sorry, that ego sandwich wont happen again

I have been farting about my hatred of weddings and today you will receive the full dump.

Before I start out with the rant, be sure to play some music to help the ambiance of the whole damn thing.

I find that ‘Shine on’ or ‘Echoes’ or ‘Sultans of Swing’ do very nicely.

I just don’t get it. Weddings are just like watching the same damn play over and over again. You have your same characters, the lines, setting, and climax, and costumes. There’s the protagonist (Mary) and then the Antagonist (Me).
Then a couple questions come to mind.

1. Why are weddings considered beautiful if they don’t have any creativity in them?
2. With that, why does it take so long to plan these ‘cookie cutter’ weddings?
3. Why do they even invite straight men?

I can only come up with the male anology of taking a woman to a baseball game. There’s the tradition of the 7th inning stretch, throwing the visitor’s home run ball back in the field, and never trading a guy named Babe Ruth.

It starts out with the exchanging of the vows. The bride and groom are all in tears. The bridesmaids are now joining in with the waterworks and the groomsmen are thinking…
1st Groomsmen: ‘man I wonder what we’re going to eat?’
Hog: ‘that stripper in the forth pew is god damn hot, there’s no way she’s related to Shaun!’
3rd Groomsmen: ‘I can’t believe Shaun’s actually doing this’
4th Groomsmen: ‘(thinking of the Benny Hill theme)’
Me: ‘Don’t do it Shaun! Run and never look back! We’ll get you a new penis--don’t worry about it. Just run like the wind!

See right there, you know the guys don’t belong. They’re just there supporting their whipped friend. It’s like you’re watching someone being hanged. You could almost see the noose around Shaun’s neck.

Then weddings, how hard can they be to plan?
There’s a setting, a date, time, who, what to eat. How hard is that? Why are there wedding planners, they should just have packaged weddings where you just slot in the people. Why do the women cry when they’ve seen these umpteenth times already?

Then you have the annoying bridesmaids who just hang out with each other and giggle and jump around like they’re in a fuckin’ fun house. These lushes are worse than little kids!

Which leads me to the questions of why they even invite men. Men don’t give a damn. It’s considered a funeral to most and I’m sure a lot would rather watch a Vikings/Bears game when asked.
The men just want to get laid. That’s the only reason I can think of.

For the reception there is the stupid ‘royal family’ theme with the wedding party eating over the audience. ‘Yeah look we’re better than you because we sit higher than anyone else. I can watch whoever I want, struggle with that piece of chicken.

Then the dumb dancing where the DJ plays the patented ‘Friends in Small Places’, ‘chicken dance’, and the stupid Cha Cha. For the love of god…. People pay money for this?

The only person that saved me was the drunken Adam Hook who supplied a lot of much needed comedy to the funer--er wedding.

Ah… time to wipe and do something else.


What the hell is wrong with the fucking Vikes? They’ve lost like 7 games in the last year in a half to pathetic teams.
They can’t seem to play decent when playing outdoors, which is completely stupid. I have a solution to that problem.

PRACTICE OUTDOORS! I mean really! We’re a team from Minnesota and we play indoors in the Metrodome. It doesn’t mean we have to prepare an outdoor, road game indoors as well!

Chicago has the same weather we had from two days ago with a little exception of a breeze off the lake, so prepare for it!

Hog may disagree with me on this one, but if a team is running an average of 6.5 yards a carry, let the runningback RUN THE DAMN BALL MORE THAN 13 TIMES!!! Last year we led the league in running, now all of a sudden when we get in the red zone we just feel the need to pass the ball even inside the 2 yard line! Give Dante the ball, give Moe the ball, hell even give Brian Russell the ball if you think he can gain 2 fucking yards and not fumble.

Speaking of which.

What the hell was that play when we were going for it on 4th and 5 in the forth quarter? It looked like they might have been attempting the worst punt fake in the history of mankind. They were going to have Brian Russell (our safety) come in as the quarterback during the play and have him try and find a way to gain 5 yards whether it was through the air or on the ground. Granted he almost gained it, but it was still one of the dumbest calls I have ever seen! I could almost hear everyone at Soldier’s Field quieting down and muttering to themselves,
“What the fuck are they doing?” and the defense,
“Are the special teams coach and the Defensive coordinator in a love spat?”

Then Randy Moss, if the guy is healthy, then play him. If he’s injured with a bad hamstring, let him sit out and stop jeopardizing his career. The stupid consecutive games streak is over. If he’s going to play like this he’s about as good as a third string wide out. He’s not fooling any defenses.

I’m not a Mike Tice fan; I just think he’s gotten lucky in the past years having a defense buster like Randy Moss and an incredibly talented quarterback in Daunte Culpepper.

Ugh… Tomorrow I’ll talk about the steroid issue in baseball and how baseball stats mean jack shit.

1 comment:

Hog said...

Bravo Berg.
It was a good speech, but Christ, your arm must hurt from patting yourself on the back too much. And yes that stripper was damn hot. And the other one too. Oh and let's not forget about the 17 year old stripper in training that was grinding against all of the groomsmen. Good stuff.
Oh and if you're reading this Tony, dude you could've scored if you weren't such a drunken pussy. Drinking is supposed to help you with your confidence, and when a girl is dancing with you, don't leave the damn stage when the song ends, there's bound to be another one sooner or later.