Search This Blog

Thursday, September 30, 2004

The First HOG/BERG debate

(boo-boo-da-boo-bOO-da-da-BOO-boo-boo-da-boo-boo-bOO)

That was supposed to be the Knight Rider theme. I think I did a damn fantastic job!

Speaking of which—well, not really, the first presidential debates will be starting tonight.
Don’t ask what channel because it will be on every damn one of ‘em.

I love these debates! Finally both candidates will be pressured into asking hard questions and dealing with people whom they don’t usually deal with.

Take Gore four years ago, he was following G-dub around the damn stage! That was awesome because no one knew what the hell he was doing.

Then there was the elder George Bush looking at his watch during the debates. That’s the thing you do when you’re at school or church, NOT at a presidential debate.

Since Hog and I are running against each other, I can imagine how a debate would go…

**************************************************

The first HOG/BERG debate

[MODERATOR]: First off I would like to thank both of you for being here and answering my questions. To start off,
Hog, what would you do about abortion in this country?
HOG: I uh… well, I would leave it up to the states to decide.

(Boos start coming from both sides of the bi-partisan crowd)
BERG: Well, I would answer that question with, Thank You!
(Crowd cheers wildly)

[MODERATOR]: Thank you Berg. Next question, do I need a slap in the face?
HOG: What? Did you just say ‘Do, I need a slap in the face’?
(Berg then comes around and slaps Hog silly)
BERG: Well, you asked, I answered.
HOG: Berg, you are and asshole of biblical proportions.
BERG: Did you hear that conservatives, Hog had premarital, non-consensual sex with the Bible!
HOG: I did not! I did not have sexual relations with that book.
BERG: Oh and liberals, HE READS IT BEFORE HAND!

(boos now get louder and louder from the violent crowd)

[MODERATOR]: That’s enough Berg!
BERG: I’m just sayin’.

[MODERATOR]: Next question, what do you plan on doing for the economy? Berg, you’re first.
BERG: well, I plan on improving it.
(long pause then crowd cheers wildly)
HOG: Yeah, how’s that going to work?
BERG: Through cooperation and hard work.

(crowd goes nuts and carries Berg off with Dairy Queen Cake for everyone.

************************************************

Yeah, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I won that battle!
I showed endless amounts of charisma and I made Hog look like a fool.

Good times!
My kickass football picks tomorrow


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Music Review: Elmo & Meatwad

(Don’t it make you smile, When the sun don’t shine, Don’t it make you smile)
‘Smile’ Pearl Jam
It certainly makes anything by Maroon 5 or that damn Vanessa Carlton sound like fingernails on nut lining.

Just when I thought that ‘the one hit wonder’ was all done, she’s come out with another vomit-laden song. Vanessa Carlton is the prototype for one-hit wonders. Cutie girl with a lace-ridden-bubblegum-pop hit was the case about 3 years ago with that ‘Walk a Thousand Miles’ song.

You know the video, she’s singing on the back of a pickup because her parents at home can’t stand her singing… something to that nature.

Her latest video (and I don’t know where I’m seeing these videos at) features her at the piano (big surprise) and another Vanessa in the next room doing the ballerina thing. As a fan of the female vocal, Vanessa Carlton sounds like Elmo. She makes Dido look like Shakespeare and makes Santana—well; Santana’s still a sellout.

I don’t know how these people become famous or popular.

Take the reggae rapper dude, Shaggy. If anyone has ever seen Aqua Teen Hunger Force, you would know that Shaggy sounds just like Meatwad. How can anyone listen to any music by Shaggy and not laugh?

And Britney….
I remember last year I got sick overnight. I woke up with all this sexy hardened phlegm (yes I had to use spell-check for that) in my throat. When I proceeded to talk I, for some awful reason, felt the need to bust out my ‘OOOPS, I Did it Again’ routine. I was too exhausted, but the voice was there. All I needed was some Charmin and I’d have the boobs to go with it.

Breaking Benjamin
Take anyone’s head and put it in a vice grips. Get the head nice and firm in the iron, place a TV with DVD player in front of them, and have them watch any movie by Paul Walker. Yes, it’s torture, but whatever noise comes from the torcher-ee is going to sound pretty close to the best work by Breaking Benjamin.

There is my music critique.

I do apologize for not submitting my Monday Night football pic. It sounded like a crappy game anyway.

Until tomorrow...

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Maude Lebowski vs. James Bond

(and I'm BAAAACK, back in the saddle again)

Aerosmith needs to retire while they still have dignity. Nevermind they keep losing it everytime they attempt to play "Dream On".
If a band can't play thier signature song anymore, it's time to quit and move to Florida.

I was looking at other blogs and I came across one that had some sappy song playing. I tell ya, there are a lot of really happy, flowery, birds chirping blogs out there. It seems like there are a lot of people talking about the moonlight and how pretty their toes look. It’s like watching Full House online or something to that nature.

Speaking of which, a representative from the College Basketball Blog emailed me and we exchanged links. College Basketball is starting soon and you can read all about how the gophers are going to suck again this year and how Dan Munson should’ve never left Gonzaga. If not, I’ll write about it someday.

Movies
I must admit, I am a sucker for romantic comedies. They usually feature some hot woman and a dud for a guy. Whatever, it’s always fun hanging on the ‘hotties’ every word.


Recently the movie, Serendipity, was on tv. I can’t remember what the movie was about, but Kate Beckinsale is a really good actress…

Because she’s really hot.

I rented Laws of Attraction last night because I’m an idiot.

I enjoyed Julianne Moore
in the Big Lebowski and figured this may be worth renting. It’s really not worth a damn thing. Moore and Pierce Brosnan don’t have any chemistry together and the jokes are worthless.

I keep thinking it’s Maude (from The Big Lebowski) and James Bond in this stupid, cookie cutter, romantic comedy.

In fact, if they played those characters, this movie would be so much better.
The dude could come and make a guest appearance and Bond would have another hottie to sleep with. Somewhere there’s a plot in there, but it’s all about the money… and the dude.

Hog
People, my rival is going to be coming out with some site with, I don’t know, free pictures and ramon noodles or something.

As a rule of thumb, whatever Hog says is crap.
Just remember that.


until tomorrow

Monday, September 27, 2004

Humping couches

(everyone’s talkin’ all this stuff about me, why don’t they just let me live)

The new Bobby Brown cover by Britney Spears. Now, if the Bobby Brown version of this song were on the radio ever, I would definitely listen, tap my fingers, and sing along in my purple car having a sweet ass time.
It’s really catchy.

This latest Britney version is no different than the original, but so much worse. This cover doesn’t offer anything new except the annoying, untalented Britney voice. No bass solos. No different takes. Nothing but a terrible voice and a video of her humping a couch or something. If you’re going to do a cover, or remake, of anything; make it worthwhile!

It just makes me wonder, WHO KEEPS BUYING THIS CRAP?

Vikes game

Talk about an undisciplined team! What, like 12 penalties and four more guys injured!? This is getting really stupid and frustrating.

Yesterday’s game featured even more dense play calling. For instance, the Vikes are on the Chicago 1 yard line, they pass it THREE TIMES IN A ROW! Run the damn ball at SOME point!

Whatever, Crap List time

1. The thought of ketchup on hot dogs being wrong.
There are some people out there that truly believe this and feel very strong about this. Why? Ketchup is a condiment and can be put on anything, just like how gravy should be. Now people who put weird crap on their pizza….

2. People who put weird crap on their pizza.
I’m mostly talking about those screw-apes that put pineapple on their pizza and insist that it tastes good. I tried it, and it sucks thoroughly! How does one come to the realization to even think about this? Did someone have the urge for pizza and have leftover pineapple available next to the pepperoni slices and say
“Hey, lets put some friggen pineapple on this, and then go around town and preach how wrong it is using ketchup on hot dogs.”

I mean what are stopping people from putting Jolly Ranchers or cupcakes or pears on pizza? Wouldn’t that taste nice and sweet for ya?

Sweet and Pizza just don’t go together. There’s always those damn hippies that cannot settle on one damn kind of pizza. They always gotta try something new.

3. Britneys remake
Already touched on this one earlier

4. People at the movies
Oakdale has turned into an area defined by its school, Tartan High School. Tartan High is known to hold as many suburbanite dipsh*ts as possible. Going to a movie, everyone’s talking and giggling at something. There’s another punk saying something stupid to impress his gf and he’s shuffling his feet, making this huge noise.

People, spanking kids should NOT be considered wrong. Oakdale should just hand out free paddles and encourage ALL parents to smack their damn kids and zap 'em with cattle prods.

If they are our future, we’re freakin’ screwed man!

Until tomorrow

Friday, September 24, 2004

The Deer

(I got me those APOLITICAL BLUES... hawww... hawwww)

Sammy Hagar’s terrible attempt at blues, which is probably the only blemish on OU812, other than the name of course

So I get home from work the other night at 12:30am. I reversed into my driveway and through the rear view, there’s this deer that’s just staring at me. I figure that I’ll probably startle the hell outta the doe once I open the door and show her my ferocious man chest.

I get out and she’s still staring at me like,
“What the f*ck are you looking at?”
I walked to the edge of the pine tree and there were 3 more of them. They didn’t freak out or jump to the next yard. They just would look at me and continue eating the acorns.

Whatever, I went to bed.

Next day at 12:30PM, I get out of my car from the grocery store and there they were again, in bright ass daylight! I have never seen deer at that time of day and tame ones at that.

Like the night before, these deer didn’t give a f*ck about anyone or anything.

I think it’s just another knee slapper to God.

See I have my fantasy football team ‘The Deer’. I figured since everyone will have weird ass trippy names, I’d go with something normal and strange the more ya think about it. Why deer? Why not, they’re known for running away really fast! Then there’s that home video of some dude getting mauled by a bigass buck.

My team hasn’t done too bad this year for being 0-2. I have lost both games by a combined total of 7 points! That’s BS man. This last week I only lost by TWO points because the Vikings were deathly afraid of their running game in the second half.

So why have I been seeing all these deer lately? Because God wants to rub it in my face that I keep losing by a little bit.

He wants me to rant on it! He wants me to get all red-in-the-face and flustered and throw down the notebook. Well, I won’t and I’ll win someday.


Last week I went 9-7 to even out my overall record.

Don’t mean to ‘toot my own horn’, but I’ve been damn close on some of my scores. Not that the scores matter but still….

New Orleans @ St. Louis
Without a good running game, Saints will be in trouble. This game as usually been a classic rivalry, but not this game. Rams suck and so do the Saints without the running game. Still, the Saints will win on the road
Saints 30 Rams 24

Pittsburgh @ Miami
Miami SUCKS so bad!
Steelers 34 Dolphins 6

Cleveland @ NYGiants
Cleveland has so many injured players. I guess Lee Suggs will finally play a couple downs, but who cares. I’m surprised this stupid game isn’t on TV.
Giants 27 Browns 13

Arizona @ Atlanta
This is a game where Mike Vick should blow up, but he wont. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Cards give the Falcons a run. Falcons will be too much though. Denny Green will have a big breakfast
Falcons 34 Cards 24

Baltimore @ Cincinnati
This game seems eerily similar to that awful Dolphins/Bengals game last Sunday night. Deion’s hurt, but why is that news? This game sounds so ugly, it makes me want to cry. It's the inspiration to a blues song.
Ravens 16 Bengals 10

Philadelphia @ Detroit
This actually sounds like an interesting game. Let’s see if Roy Williams can do anything against that secondary. Lets see if the Joey Harrington will have any time to throw the damn ball
Eagles 17 Lions 10

Jacksonville @ Tennessee
Jacksonville has a nasty defense, especially against the run. If they had an offense they’d be unstoppable, but they don’t.
Titans 14 Jags 3

Houston @ Kansas City
Kansas City couldn’t stop geese from crossing the road. This has shootout written all over it.
Chiefs 41 Texans 30

San Diego @ Denver
Do the Chargers stand a chance? Hell NO!
Broncos 37 Chargers 13

Green Bay @ Indianapolis
Here’s a quality game that will actually be televised. Brett Favre never plays well in domes and the Packers suck anyway. This will be that breakout game the Colts offense has been waiting for.
Colts 38 Packers 17

San Francisco @ Seattle
I don’t know. I don’t give a damn about any of these teams.
49ers 21 Seahawks 17

Tampa Bay @ Oakland
The Superbowl matchup from.... whenever the hell it was.
Raiders 28 Bucs 9

Chicago @ Minnesota
Chicago has a banged up secondary. Vikings have a banged up O-line. Watch, the forth quarter they’ll bring out the practice squad to protect Dante.
Vikings 27 Bears 24

Last week 9-7 (overall 16-16)

good weekends all around...

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Pimp my Regal

(This is for all you girls about twenty five…)

Just what we need, another song about how great it is being a woman. I plan on making a similar song for the guys. It’s going to be about how hard it is being a male in the 21st century and the pressures that go with it.

It will be a favorite for any ‘guys night out’ and all the guys will sing along to it because it’s SO REAL!

Anyway, I wanted to bitch about a couple shows on MTV.

First off, “Pimp My Ride” has a good premise, make my sh*thole look totally tubular! So ya have these kids with these crappy Cutlasses and Skylarks coming in to this shop for their crap to be worked on.

I could’ve easily brought my Regal a month ago, but I know that ‘pimpin’ a Buick is even more pathetic than keepin’ it real. I mean, I knew my Regal was a P.O.S. therefore I drove that thing around like a trophy!

This last summer in Rapid City, they would hold these muscle car rallies on the main strip. It was pretty sweet because anyone could drive around and rev up their badass vehicles and make as much noise as possible. It was even sponsored by the cops.

Hearing about the rally, naturally, I decided to take my Regal for a spin so everyone could see my ride.

I went down the strip a couple times, revin’ up my 3.1 with; bald-ass tires, tape player that didn’t work, and the breaks that would audibly crunch every time my ‘ride’ would stop.

I pulled over to the nearby parking lot, opened my hood, and posed next to my car for about a half hour. One guy came over and started looking the Regal over.
“Is that a cassette player in there?”
“Yeah, it’s factory” I said with a deep exhale
“That color underneath the doors…”
“Yeah, that’s rust. Pretty soon I’ll be able to see the road while driving, so it’s not where I’d like it to be, but it’s going to look pretty phat after a couple more Minnesota winters.”

I felt like on top of the world. Those ’57 Chevys, ’84 ‘Vettes, and those ’71 ‘Stangs could all kiss my Regal’s dented rear bumper.

I would like to see how many pimped rides from that show end up getting ripped off within a month of driving it around.

Sometimes it seems like some kid will bring in a Civic and it will come out as a Monte Carlo!


Old ass cars need to be junked; it’s the only possible solution. You don’t see ’90 year old women trying to look 25! Wait, that’s right, there’s Cher…nevermind.

Then the show, ‘Cribs’ is one of the most stupid shows EVER!

I love how they have someone like Terrell Owens trying to explain why he has a hyperbolic chamber in his living room. Then it seems like the host always walks into the kitchen and starts explaining how the stove works. Better yet, they head off to the fridge and say,
“Let’s see what we have in here.”
Does anyone… give a flying f&ck what is in their fridge?

HMMM… I’M GOING TO SAY, FOOD.

[OUT OF A 100 PEOPLE SURVEYED, LET’S SEE IF FOOD IS ON THE BOARD….YESS!!! THE BERG FAMILY WINS THE STANLEY CUP]

**not a bad sarcasm riddled dream if I say so myself**

They do say crap like that all the time. Here is my window to see through. Here is my big chair where I can lie down after looking out my window.

And best of all…

HERE ARE MY TEN BENTLEYS….

Ok, why do you need TEN! People can collect stamps, coins, baseball cards (now that’s an expensive hobby for ya), or records. These are sensible collections, collections that won’t be taxed too heavily for the environment and they don’t need 9,000 sq feet!


Now if it were ten crappy Regals...

Tomorrow, more crappy football picks

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Boombellotties and MILFs

(don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block)

If I were J-lo, I would take a five-year absence from all media for the sake of her career because EVERYONE is sick of her!

Also, if I were J-lo, I’d never leave the house

Quick revelation,
The coach of the Oregon Ducks football team is Mike Bellotti right?
So if we attach a prefix ‘Boom’ in front of Bellotti, we have ‘boombellotti’

Hence, the correct spelling of boombellotti? Eh? Eh?


Lately there have been many commercials featuring families going to McDonalds, doing work around the house, or driving in their cars. Fine, it’s all good. The thing about these commercials is the boombellotti factor involved with the mother.


Normally a ‘hot’ mother would be considered a ‘MILF’ which means—well, I’ll tell you when you’re older. These women are not MILFs. MILFs have the qualities of mothers AND hotties. For instance, a hottie is good looking all around. A MILF is a hottie that has ‘been through the trenches’ and you can see it, but she’s still a knock out.

These commercials feature a typical son and daughter saying their quirky things, A father who is usually old and upper middle class with dignity, and a mother: a porn star dressed up as a confident, working class woman.

Mothers don’t look like that. Have you seen that Old Navy commercial where the kid comes home and really wants to mow the lawn? His mother is hot in a porn star sense.

Ok, ok maybe you don’t see it right away, but think to yourself- ‘do you know anyone’s’ mother that looks like that?’

Didn’t think so.

Now picture that same woman wearing a porn star outfit, yeaaaah, now you see what I’m getting at.

I’m not against this mainstream porn star mother love. In fact I applaud it. I love how people can portray mothers like they do. It makes commercials worth watching!

It just makes the world go round

Monday, September 20, 2004

What a crappy game!

(are you ready for some football, Monday night par-TAY)

What a crappy game that was. Just when you think the Vikings were done playing ‘stupid’ football, they come and play that crapper of a game.

THEY TOTALLY ABANDONED THE RUNNING GAME!!!!
Not that it was working anyway, but still…

I had the privilege of seeing one of the funniest movies since Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. A movie that was original in every sense of the word.

Napoleon Dynamite is EXCELLENT!

For an MTV film, this is hands down, the best that awful company has come up with. On paper one may think that Napoleon Dynamite is the nerdy high school character that pleads for compassion. He doesn’t because Dynamite is all attitude. Napoleon also dishes out hilarious insults that are more surprising and funny than the next.

Other characters like Kip, Napoleon’s nerdier brother, is also tremendous. Throughout the movie he’s on his computer ‘chatting with babes’ expressing so with a sharp smugness. Then there’s Uncle Rico, a high school backup quarterback who never lets anyone forget it. Uncle Rico could be the best character in the film with his crazy money making ideas and stupid expressions on his face.

The numerous cut shots are brilliantly timed for great comedy. The beginning of a few scenes is started by strange expressions by the characters, or Kip, trying to prove that Tupperware will survive the weight of a van, unsuccessfully of course.

The movie is just so random and it constantly catches the viewer off guard.
I highly recommend this movie, if its available at theater near you.


Twins clinched, so there was SOME good news yesterday.
Until tomorrow

Crap list 9/19

(My anaconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns, hon)

Maybe I should’ve waited until TODAY to give out my Vikings pick. Damn.

I could’ve titled today’s entry as,
“VIKES WILL WIN BABY” but no, I screwed up.

I did have the pleasure of going to a local establishment on Sunday and attempt to watch four football games at once. I really couldn’t keep up. I had the volume of one game on while I was watching another and… WHOA, scores on this screen while there’s an injury on that one. It was hard.
Yeah, I know, life’s a bitch.

Crap list

1. That gawd awful Dolphins/ Bengals game.
This is one of the bad aspects of fantasy football, watching horrible games. This game was probably the worst I have ever seen, and knowing that it almost went into over time just kills me.

Imagine being a quarterback with 5 Joe Namath’s trying to protect you. Last night A.J. Feeley could’ve only wished he had that stacked line of Namaths’ because…
HE DIDN’T HAVE ANY LINE AT ALL!
The O line would just watch guys’ blow right on by and on to Feeley’s back.
I’m not a Dolphin fan, but damn, that line was terrible.

Now it wouldn’t be so bad if the Dolphins or Bengals had a decent quarterback, BUT THEY DON’T! A.J. Feeley S*U*C*K*S, Carson Palmer, before his last minute drive, S*U*C*K*E*D.

Then the damn play calling was unbelievable. You’d think that after a person runs into a brick wall (unsuccessfully) thirty times, an offense would stop calling the play. NO! They kept giving the damn ball to puke-ass Lamar Gordon twice every three downs!

2. The announcers on ESPN
If the actual game wasn’t bad enough the presence of Joe Thiesman made me want to vomit. Joe Thiesman may end up being the second dumbest person ever just after whomever is running John Kerry’s campaign.
With almost 4 minutes to go, Miami is about to kick off after scoring on a TD (for once) to make the score 10-13, Cincinnati’s favor with both teams having 3 timeouts left.
Now the whole game, both offenses were doing nothing, running 3 and out. Theisman then says,
“Well, I think it’s a little too early for an onside kick”.

(blink:blink)
I HOPE YOU DO, THIESMAN BECAUSE YOU’RE DUMB AS HELL!

Pat Summerall was also the play-by-play man. This guy seriously needs to retire! I think he announced that Jim Brown was the starting tail back at one time.

3. Sunday’s without Vikings football
The whole day on Sunday seemed incomplete. I was watching all these football games and all I cared about was fantasy football squad. I didn’t have the heart in it. I was watching the Packers lose at home, which was satisfying, but I needed something to complete me. Something like Kate Beckinsale on a moonlit night or a Vikings win would’ve sufficed. Hopefully we’ll get it tonight!

4. Guys who impress their girlfriends by acting stupid.
One always sees this at a movie theatre. It’s worse than a short, drunk guy who thinks that he’s all-powerful. Instead you have some stupid kid trying to say something stupid like, ‘WINNEBAGO’, really loud and for no reason at all, just to get laughs from his girlfriend.
Then there’s the obnoxious guy wearing socks to his knees and sandals with his visor upside down and backwards.
Now that’s REALLY cool! I’m sure there’s a cool guy out there that fits that description, but please try to have your own look. Suburban rodeo clown is not IN anymore.

Until tomorrow



Friday, September 17, 2004

Vikes will win baby

(Don’t stand, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me)

These are definitely good times yo!
-Twins are kickin’ ass. (Against the White Sox too!)
-Vikings are playing a HUGE game on Monday night
-Gophers are playing a legitimate team instead of Lakeland Dental Academy
-Everyday the weather is doing something new
-Those goddamn ladybugs haven’t made their appearance yet.
-and I am long gone from Sodak

What a ‘character building’ experience SoDak was.
Last week I was 7-9 in my picks. Ya really can’t beat that eh?

Hopefully I will this week.

San Francisco at New Orleans
New Orleans couldn’t do anything against the Seahawks last week. I don’t believe San Francisco is that good, or any good at all. God, San Fran is a boring team.
Saints 35 San Fran 10

Washington @ NY Giants
If you have Clinton Portis on your team, you may just need to play that guy since that’s all Washington will do on Sunday. Mark Brunell won’t pass nearly as much as he’ll hand off.
Clinton 28 Giants 10

Denver @ Jacksonville
Quentin Griffen baby! This guy showed the Chiefs how it’s done! Too bad the Chiefs suck. Jacksonville’s defense doesn’t though. Denver wins with Champ Baileys first offensive touchdown.
Denver 21 Jacksonville 3

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
So much for that Baltimore defense loosing to CLEVELAND! Talk about sad, Cleveland didn’t even have their main back, Lee Suggs. Pittsburgh showed guts vs. Oakland, but that doesn’t say much. Jerome Bettis: 1 yard, 3 TD’s, 7” per carry. WTF?
Steelers 17 Baltimore 14

St. Louis @ Atlanta
The people at FOX and CBS don’t know jack about showing football because instead of this game or the Colts and Titans, we get to see the Lions and Houston and Chicago and Green Bay. St. Louis may not be the same media ‘wad blowing’ team they used to be.
Atlanta 24 St. Louis 21

Houston @ Detroit
OOOH the game of the week for CBS. Is it just because Detroit is in our division that CBS would think us Minnesotans would want to watch this crap? I don’t think anyone gives a damn about these two teams. Detroit goes 2-0 for the first time ever!
Lions 17 Texans 10

Chicago @ Green Bay
This game would’ve been better if it were in December. For all we know it could be sunny and 80 degrees on Sunday in Lambeau. NOW THAT’S GREEN BAY FOOTBALL WEATHER!!!
Damn Packers 31 Chicago 24

Indianapolis@ Tennessee
Heaven forbid that CBS show this crappy game. This is only two of the top teams of the last couple years. We wouldn’t want to see Steve McNair against Peyton Manning. Nah!
Colts 28 Titans 17

Carolina @ Kansas City
Oh and definitely not this game. This game only features one of the best offenses against one of the best defenses. When I say best defenses, I don’t mean the Chiefs either. They gave up 150 to a midget!
Chiefs 35 Panthers 31

Seattle @ Tampa Bay
Does Tampa have any wide outs left? What’s Jake Reed doing nowadays? Where’s Herman Moore or Anthony Miller? Cris Carter may come out of retirement to play for the Bucs.
Seattle 17 Bucs 7

Cleveland @ Dallas
Talk about a hard nose football game and a weird one at that. Vinny and Company against the Jeff Garcia led Browns. Too bad no one cares. I’m surprised that CBS don’t show this crappy game
Cowboys 24 Browns 14

Buffalo @ Oakland
Talk about a crappy game last week. If you’re a fan of field goals and hard-core defense, then last weeks Bills/ Jaguars game was it for you. There was just one touchdown at the end of the game. Glad I didn’t pay to see that one.
Bills 17 Oakland 14

New England @ Arizona
This is one of those games where the best team plays the worst, and everyone predicts a blowout. Just that those games always ends up being GREAT games. Arizona almost knocked off the Rams last week. Perhaps Denny isn’t that bad of a fit.
Patriots 27 Cardinals 24

NY Jets @ San Diego
So Curtis Martin is the king pimp now because he can run against the Bengals. Now he’ll get his chance against the Chargers. After this game, people will forget all about Jim Brown.
Jets 38 Chargers 14

Miami @ Cincinnati
Now for the other ‘Game of the Day’. Why would ESPN ever consider putting the Bengals on primetime? This is hardly Chiefs and Broncos. Nonetheless, Ricky Williams totally screwed Miami to the point where they don’t have ANY offense! Good thing they’re playing Cincinnati. Good thing for Cincinnati is that they are playing the Dolphins.
Bengals 24 Dolphins 10

Minnesota @ Philadelphia
Now THIS is a game! The two best receivers in the game with arguably the two best QB’s. A lot of people have been comparing this Vikings offense to the ’98 offense. Philadelphia’s run defense totally sucks too! The Vikes will run all over the Eagles. I will still be a shootout though.
Vikings 38 Eagles 35


Last week 7-9 (yeah when you're right 43% of the time, you gotta be wrong 60% of the time)

Good weekends all around



Thursday, September 16, 2004

Tom's Advice 2.0

(skin on skin, let the love begin, WOMAN!)

When it comes to a sport whose regular season doesn’t mean anything, baseball is the top sport. These players play everyday for 162 games just to try and PLAY in October. Then October comes and this hotshot baseball, wildcard team, comes and smokes everyone to oblivion.

The Twins just might be that hotshot team this year! They have, what one may argue, TWO ace pitchers with Santana and Radke and not to mention a lineup that can small ball any team to death. Usually the ONE team that is hot in September ends up winning the World Series. Folks, the Twins are easily the hottest team in baseball right now, but there are 17 games left.

Are the Twins getting hot too early?

What sucks about the Twins situation is that they could easily clinch the division this weekend and have their starters (not pitchers) sit out the rest of September to preserve them. This move would seem logical but it could cool off the hot Twins team.

My Advice,

Play everyone, all the time.
Have an ‘all infielders day’ where Henry Blanco would play shortstop and Pat Borders playing third. Mornaeu would be the starting pitcher and Rivas would play somewhere in the outfield and so on. Then in the bottom of the 5th, screw up everyone and put in all your outfielders and bullpen guys into whatever position they feel like playing.


I can only imagine someone like Christian Guzman playing catcher and trying to tell Corey Koskie how to pitch a high heater to Miguel Tejata. Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven end up talking about how much of a bastard Mike Piazza is and more people come to the ballpark.

That way all the players stay fresh and confused
And the Twins win the World Series.

Hopefully against the Cubs.
And then I’d be President

Football picks tomorrow yo!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Super 'thugin' Mario Bros.

(now your messin’ with a/ a son of a beaatchhh)


I was thinking the other night,

If I was to pick a character from the ‘Super Mario’ set of games, which would I pick and why?

At first I thought,
‘Why am I thinking about this of all questions?’ but then I realized how great of a question it was! Lets break it down,

The original Mario Bros.
This game features just Mario, Luigi, ice thingys, flame balls, and plenty of pissed off turtles. At first glance you might just overlook these generic characters because they are so basic. Nonetheless, the characters all mean business. Mario and Luigi, although they are little and plain, are all about breaking the ice thingys and stopping those pissed off turtles.
This was Mario and Luigi at their more productive, and least creative. These characters are all about work and no play!

Super Mario Bros.
This was the classic game that made the series take off. This game featured goombas, that weird dude tossing out the spineys, the black bullet things, those badass hammer-throwing turtles, and of course the regular turtles. I can’t remember if Luigi was in this game as a 2nd player, but all about Mario anyway. This game had Mario grabbing mushrooms to make himself into ‘Super’ Mario and then you can grab a flower (why, I have no idea), which turns ‘Super’ Mario into ‘Super Fiery’ Mario. Now that’s a badass mofo! When you have the ability to spit fire and still kill enemies by hopping on them, you know you’re a thug!

Super Mario Bros. 2
I believe this is the most interesting of the Mario games. In THIS game you can pick between Mario, Luigi, Princess, and some mushroom dude. Each character had their own abilities, (ie.. Luigi had his kicks). What made this game different from other Mario games was that each character can pick up enemies and throw them at other enemies!!! Now that is something special! Not to mention that in this game you can use this potion to be transported into this bizzaro world where blocks turn into coins.

Super Mario Bros. 3
This is without a doubt the most popular Mario game out there. It was even featured in the blockbuster hit, The Wizard for all ten people that saw it. This game features the return of the flower that brings back ‘Fiery’ Mario (how’d we ever live without him), ‘Raccoon’ Mario, ‘frog’ Mario, and another one, which I can’t remember. Basically, in my opinion, it just got silly! Frog Mario? What the hell, Mario needs to be in a frog suit to swim and jump easier?
That’s thoroughly stupid.
Then there’s ‘Raccoon’ Mario that can fly and swat enemies with its’ tail? I wish the creators could stick to the mushrooms and trippy flowers that simply do their jobs respectively.

My pick though,
I pick Mario from the second game or Super Mario Bros. 2. The one feature about this character is that he can throw enemies at other enemies. Now I would love to hop on Bud Selig (not like that, you sickos), hold him in the air, and throw him at Bill O’Reilly. It would be the start of a great day!
Next I would choose ‘thuggin’ Mario from Super Mario Bros. 1. This Mario seems like a cool dude, eating his crazy flowers that allow him to spit fire and eating the mushrooms that allow him to grow. Seems strange in an interesting way.


That’s my story,

Until tomorrow…

Van Halen Rant part II

(she seems to have an invisible touch yeah)

All I have to say is…
Damn those Packers.

I would like to use this time to continue my rant on Van Halen and other bands that always seem to screw up, talent wise. Allow me to use my John Madden impersonation,
Here’s a band where each member is full of talent musically, but they waste all that talent talking about womans’ private parts.
I consider Eddie Van Halen to be the best guitarist I have ever heard. Better than Page, Gilmour,his idol Clapton, and Santana..
Carlos Santana, that’s another rant right there! Now he’s a session guitarist who doesn’t write his own material but just recycles his old guitar licks AND gets all the credit!
A lot of people consider EVH to be a one-dimensional guitarist with his two-hand tapping technique. If you ever listen to the VH rhythm section that is usually drown out from Hagar’s screeching, you’d discover some wonderful guitar work.

As I mentioned before, Van Halen III was a disappointment commercially because it didn’t contain any songs about sitting in a car and trying to grab women’s asses.
Heaven forbid.

There were some bad songs on III, but there were also some good songs as well.
It’s such a shame that a bunch of talented musicians will write and perform such udder crap!

Another band that has been in this same situation is none other than Def Leppard. DL has been known for their crashing drums and their catchy choruses along with their numerous songs about grabbin’ ass. In 1996 they came out with the album, Slang. Slang was an experimental album that I consider to be before its’ time. Songs like Truth?, Work It Out, and Pearl of Euphoria were really songs to think about and seemed to be a refreshing direction that DL could always continue on.

As far as advertising and selling of Slang, Def Leppard would tell people that it was a hybrid of Salt ‘N Pepa and Metallica.

WHAT?!?!
Salt ‘N Pepa fans never bought the album nor did Metallica fans and rightfully so after such a stupid comment like that.

This, I believe, is one of the many reasons this album failed commercially. Not to mention that for all the good, interesting songs on the album, there are quite a few horrible, laughable songs like the title cut, Slang, Turn to Dust, and Deliver Me.

After this album flopped, the next album, Euphoria, the band basically said that they just milked the old, 80’s, material right down to the name.

Def Leppard now have been relegated to playing state fairs and have never been more terrible.

So Def Leppard, Van Halen, if you’re out there,

Quit writing song about grabbin’ ass!
Until tomorrow

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Hog, you bastard!

After a week of letting my opponent ‘cool down’

I would like to let the mud slingin’ continue.
I just feel that since I tried so desperately to screw him out of a couple fantasy football points, that he’d stop by and ‘throw hiz gunz in da air’

His contention to lure your vote is that he’s “not Berg” because he only wishes he were me! I mean with such strong constituents and such outstanding ideas (not to mention a sweet ass, SIGNED Minnesota Moose Starter Jacket), I would be jealous of myself too!
Not to mention that last picture of him ALLEDGEDLY capturing Poncho Sanchez is nothing but a hoax to collect votes from the gullible. He actually has a Sanchez look-alike at his headquarters. He waited for the perfect time when his poll results were slipping just a little bit, he then played the Sanchez card.

Don’t need shaggy or Fred to figure that one out. However, I wouldn’t mind if Daphnie would help me with the next caper.

Hog, do you really think that I would be talking to the REAL Poncho Sanchez? I don’t even think that “picture” was real! In fact, that gun looks like it is filled with vodka.

And people, I know where to purchase guns filled with vodka.

He probably did have a better time predicting football picks though.

On to the crap list

1. People who stop right in front of you.
Okay, I’m at the fair right, well I’m trying to get to the milk place as fast as I can (because I just had a bucket load of Sweet Martha’s Cookies) and I’m speed walking behind these people that eventually just stop and look around. Now I’m just stuck behind them and I almost had to throw myself out of the way because they stopped so suddenly. Then I hate the people that just stand right in the way. People, find a place, OUT OF THE WAY, to stand and talk or do whatever you need to stand around and do.

2. Every damn salesperson that I visited.
Now I have every damn salesperson CALLING me up and acting like my best friend. Cards are nice, but the damn phone calls, ugh.
Salesperson: So Tom, I have a great deal on that that Grand Am. You know the one that died on you when you test-drove it?
Tom: Really? Well, sorry to break it to you, but I already found a car that doesn’t crap out on me the first time.
Salesperson: Oh, and how much did you pay for THAT?

That’s when I hang up. Damn snakes

3. Centipedes
You know those ugly looking critters that appear in the corner of your room. After spending a whole summer away from these ugly things, I’m just getting my first glimpses of centipedes. I know they eat other critters and they do more good than harm, but couldn’t God (or whoever) make them so they look a little less repulsive? Couldn’t they have like a nice hum to them or maybe the shape of an M&M would make them more tolerable? I mean I’m not afraid of death and I’m not afraid of public speaking, but when it comes to a little critter the size of my finger, I go nutz over.

4. Friends encouraging you to buy expensive things.
Lately I have been in the market for a television set. There’s the regular tube tv’s that are really cheap nowadays and the HDTV’s. Being a television connoisseur myself, I want to look into HDTV sets. Well, this dude is like,
“So when are you getting your plasma screen?”
“When did I say I was getting a plasma screen? Do you know how much they cost?! However, they do look nice. Umm probably in a month.”

Now I was just had by my buddy. Freaking brilliant if I say so myself.


5. Finding the perfect place to live. Only finding out that it was too perfect.
So i see this ad,
"House for rent, totally furnished, $400month, and great location". Sounds like a steal of a deal and I call the place up. Turns out this elderly woman is looking for a roommate. Now i have nothing against old people. Well, actually I have a lot against old people, which is why I WOULDNT LIVE WITH ONE. I already live with two old people whom I know, I wouldn't want to live with another that I dont know. Sounds errily similair to what I had to go through this last summer.

Van Halen rant part II coming this week...

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Aloha Friday yo!

(And it don’t take money, don’t take fame, don’t need no credit card to ride this train)

Everyone on the radio has been talking about the upcoming baseball playoffs and the team that the Twins would play. As of this point it looks like it’s going to be the winner of the East Division. Which means it’s the Yankees or Red Sox. Despite their second half run, I want to play the damn Red Sox.

As a rule of thumb in baseball playoffs, if a team is playing the Red Sox or Cubs; then good things happen.

Actually I was dreaming of the best possible scenario for a playoff run.

First off,
Being a HUGE underdog to the Yankees in a 5 game series. The Twins stretch the series to the full five games with the fifth in New York. Just like last years game seven in the World Series, the Twins go on to shut down the yanks so all the fans can stare in disbelief.

THEN,
The Twins end up playing the Red Sox in the ALCS and losing the first three games by a depressing amount. However, the Twins end up squeaking three wins in a row with small-ball and annoying texas leaguers to bring up game 7 at Boston. And just like any Red Sox playoff opponent, the Twins end up coming back from 5 runs down in the bottom of the ninth to win the American League crown.
Only adding to THE CURSE.

AND THEN,

Playing the Cubs in the World Series AND taking that series to the full seven. Game seven, bottom of the ninth (because the AL has home field in the WS), Twins down by 3, two out, bases loaded and here comes Luis Rivas. Rivas then hits the ball in the corner when some fan starts making fun of Moises Alou’s Grandmother and Alou proceeds to argue with the fan, ignoring the ball. Rivas then rounds all the bases and the Twins win the World Series.
That fan will then get blamed for tanking another shot at the title and forget Alou’s critical mistake.

Luis Rivas then heads the parade into the Metrodome with everyone putting Rivas on their shoulders.

The end.

Wouldn’t it be nice? Well, Luis Rivas can be replaced by Torii Hunter or someone else of course.

Anyway,

More Football Picks
Tennessee @ Miami
Tennessee will run the hell out of the ball against Miami in a hurricane ridden Pro Player Staduim
Titans 21-Miami 9

Oakland @ Pittsburgh
Does anyone even care for this one? Oh well, Pittsburgh wins this ugly battle with Oakland not being able to flush the toilet
Pittsburgh 17 Oakland 3

Seattle at New Orleans
In what is probably the most underrated game of the week (which isn’t televised in The Cities) I think this has all the qualities of a barnburner. Both offenses will be flowing great, but the Saints offense will edge them out in the end. The offensive loving fans will then have to change their shorts.
New Orleans 38 Seattle 35

Cincinnati at NY Jets
To me, this game seems a little more interesting than years past. The Bengals have a really young offense that could be due this year. The Jets have Pennington with an old Curtis Martin. I like the Bengals in an upset. Cincinnati then throws a parade.
Cincinnati 28 NY 17

San Diego at Houston
[yawn] who cares
Houston 24 San Diego 10

Jacksonville at Buffalo
The home opener in Buffalo… I take Buffalo in the snow. It will snow 24 inches
Buffalo 20 Jacksonville 14

Detroit at Chicago
I think the Lions have finally turned it around. Just that after these last couple years, winning six games is incredible. Joey Harrington gets a comb shoved up his rectum in the process though.
Detroit 23 Chicago 17

Baltimore at Cleveland
From the last couple years, it’s apparent that Baltimore doesn’t really need an offense. It does with Jamal Lewis. Luckily that’s all they need this week with Ray Lewis murdering Jeff Garcia.
Baltimore 17 Cleveland 3

Tampa Bay at Washington
Washington’s new offense is no match for the veteran defense of Tampa Bay. Joe Gibbs realizes how much he misses constant left hand turns
Tampa 30 Washington 13

Arizona at St. Louis
I don’t think this is an absolute shoe-in for St. Louis, but they win nonetheless. Denny Green has a huge breakfast that morning.
St. Louis 34 Arizona 24

NY Giants at Philadelphia
The Eagles always seem to disappoint early in the year. I think that will be the case this week. Owens then gets into a shouting spat over fecal matter.
NY 20 Philadelphia 17

Atlanta at San Francisco
Well, at least this wasn’t the stupid Thursday night kickoff game. I don’t know if anyone really cares about this game either. Atlanta wins because the 49ers end up screwing up more. Damn screw ups.
Atlanta 17 49ers 7

Kansas City at Denver
This is good one yo! One of the best rivalries in football! Just that Denver has a defense. Holmes gets injured and is out for the rest of the year. Pissing off everyone who had the first pick in their draft.
Denver 38 KC 21

Green Bay at Carolina
Carolina’s defense is too much for Green Bay. So we’re halfway there for a perfect weekend!
Carolina 30 Green Bay 13

Dallas at Minnesota
Yeah the perfect weekend (Pack losing, vikes winning) will be complete. I can’t see Dallas doing anything, especially in the dome. Moss kills ‘em again.
Vikes 35 Dallas 20

Of course this is just a goofball’s opinion without even seeing any of the teams playing.

Hell, I already got one game wrong.
Aloha

Tom's Advice 1.0

(MIGHT like you better if we slept together)

Mitch Hedberg is performing at the Orpheum this Saturday, September 11
I do believe that I’m going,
Anyone want to come with?

The first installment of Tom’s Advice

How to talk to people in mourning.


Some of the most awkward conversations are centered on the topic of death. Usually one has had a grandparent pass on or a great aunt and it’s hard to sound sincere and maintain the flow of a decent conversation.
Like so,

TOM: Dude, man so what are you up to this weekend?
X: Well I actually have a funeral to attend. My Grandmother just passed away last night.
TOM: Oh, uh….sorry man, you alright?
X: Yeah, I guess….
(and freeze!)

See, now is the time in the conversation where ANY topic you bring up sounds just plain stupid! It’s way too hard to change the subject from death to say, stuffed animals from county fairs, or the similarities between Cool Whip and Miracle Whip.

I have the appropriate answer that adds sincerity and instant accessibility to change the subject.
Like so,

TOM: Dude, man, dude what are you up to this weekend man?
X : Well, I actually have a funeral to attend. My Grandmother just passed away last night.
TOM: Oh man, I’m sorry. My alternator in my car just died. I know how you feel man. But I don’t feel too bad because I bought a lifetime warrantee about four years ago.
(and freeze!)

Now the whole awkwardness has totally left the conversation and you expressed efficient sincerity.

Just that, now X thinks I’m an efficiently stupid moron now.

But hey, no more awkwardness!


Early Football Pick

Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots
I believe the Colts will beat the crap outta New England by a tally of
33-20

With Marvin Harrison having a off day of 3 TD’s and 240 yards receiving.

Actually Harrison is on my fantasy team, so that guess is just pointless.

Kinda like trying to figure out the outcome of the first game of the season.


More picks tomorrow

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Who drives a purple car?

(Don’t know what you got, 'til it’s gone)

Actually I do know what I have and despite the numerous brake jobs, the rust, and the lack of a tape player.

As of 10am this morning, THAT P.O.S. IS GONE!

Hog, I will rip you a new maizehole another day.

As for those pictures,

As a rule of thumb, if I don’t remember those pictures being taken, none of that stuff ever happened.

And I don’t remember any of those pictures.

My quest for finding a new car is officially over.
Found a sweet-ass Grand Am with only 10,000 miles. So no more spineless salesmen, no more of the salesman/customer game, and no more time spent on figuring out what I want to drive and the research that comes with it.

However I will miss the chess match that comes with any salesman and customer when talking price.
Oh it’s great!
There are so many strategies and being the customer, you always have the upper hand! Telling dealers about pseudo offers from the dealer across the street (they usually cave in). Then breaking the salesman’s’ heart when they find out you’re not interested.

I love it all!

I have found that looking for a car seems a lot like finding that special woman.
Gotta make sure you find the year, make, and model you want.
Gotta make sure it’s the right size that fits your lifestyle.
Ya don’t want a noisy, whiney P.O.S. that wont pass the semis.
And you don’t want something you’ll live to regret every time you drive it.

I just wish it was as easy as going to a ‘yeah baby’ dealership and test-driving the make/model of your choice.

Yup, and ya’ll wonder why I’m still single….or maybe ya don’t.

Yeah, I really couldn’t keep going with that analogy without SOME sort of sexual innuendo.

Nah the interesting thing (I think) about my new car is that it’s purple. When looking at the car I was thinking,
“Damn, this is a sweet Vikings car! I could put a huge ass horn on the side and the Vikings’ logo on the back!”

It would be cool!
I do feel the need to name my car though. I’m thinking,

-THE PURPLE NURPLE
-PURPLE PRIDE
-Or the LESBO-MOBILE (because I heard that purple is the preferred color of lesbians).

Cool, but only lipstick lesbians please!

Until tomorrow…

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

The Truth about Hog part II

(I’ve got... TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE!)
God bless you, Eddie Money

I went to the fine arts building at the State Fair today and out of all the beautiful photos and paintings,
a damn US flag made of rat traps won the ‘visitor’s favorite piece’ WTF???

Now to settle things with Hog,


Well, you’ve heard the response by Hog and I do have more TRUE stories to tell.
He claims that all my stories are false, but the fact is that I can’t afford a digital camera. Hog thinks he’s so cool by taking advantage of cute little drunk princesses, which is a form of image rape!
Do you want to support a rapist?

I wouldn’t, but that’s just me.

In response to his soliloquy, cause no one wants to listen to a Hog, I have my rebuttal.

Poncho Sanchez
With the power of Poncho, and me we’ll easily take over Iraq and then Iran. With the overworld and the underworld joining as one, we’ll EASILY take over the world and control the world’s natural resources. Hog and his silly ‘secret police’ will just end up getting their arms chopped off and beaten to a bloody pulp with their own severed arms!
Not a pretty picture.

Folks, you are either with me, or you are with the terrorists

Hog denies the whole puppy incident too. I was present during the incident and I had my camera, but it wasn’t exactly a Kodak moment if you know what I mean.
What kind of a sick bastard takes pictures of an insecure man slapping the hell out of a poor little defenseless puppy?

Not me!

You are either with me or you are with the terrorists

Culver's cakes
My opponent has clearly stated that he is 100% behind the Culver's franchise in terms of its’ frozen desserts. Let me remind the folks that Culver's is a Wisconsin born restaurant. Clearly, Hog is siding with acts of terrorism. Not to mention that his potshot towards DQ cakes is just plain blasphemy and reeferheadish.

Hog was noticeably quiet with his affair with Lady Jaye. Reason being is that Hog knows I’ll bust out my Minnesota Moose Starter jacket at any moment!

Yeah that's right! You ASS!!!

You are either with me or you are with the terrorists

However, I do agree about the Git-R-Done bit. It seems that everyone thinks they’re a comedian nowadays. We just got done with the,
“I’M RICK JAMES BICH!” Bit and now we got this.

Me or terrorism?

By the way, if you missed the post by Hog, HE REPEATED IT FIVE DAMN TIMES!!!

Talk about annoying!
Do you want an annoying president?
Didn’t think so.


Here’s another TRUE story about Hog.

This one day I came by his place when I noticed he
WAS GRILLING A SMALL CHILD IN HIS GAS GRILL!

!!!!!!RED FLAG!!!!!

Yes, Hog is a man known to perform such a devious act!

APPARENTLY SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL HOG HOW WRONG IT IS USING A GAS GRILL!

Charcoal is the only way to go when one is grilling.

And not to mention the killing and eating of small, defenseless children.
Ya know what I mean?

Until tomorrow…

Monday, September 06, 2004

The Truth about Hog

(...with chairs, candles, and cloth/ making darkness into day)
Great show the other night by the way with
Butterfly Boucher as a opener! (She's not as corny as her name.)


Well, I was planning on talking about the
Sarah Mclachlan concert the other night.
Another option was to continue my rant on Van Halen, but this has all changed for today.

A lot you ya’ll came here because you were looking for the truth.

That will come later, but first a couple words to my close rival, Hog.

I respect the fact that you are running against me and you don’t seem THAT retarded

But…

HOW DARE YOU SMEAR MY NAME WITH THOSE…..THOSE PICTURES.
You diabolical son of whore!

Let me explain those pictures. Let me tell you the truth behind those pictures riddled with jealousy and guilt.

Picture 1: ‘The Fairy’ by the way, real mature Hog, REAL mature!
This is a picture that was based purely out of jealousy. That night Hog and I had a fight about the tiara. Basically a survey of everyone at the party said the tiara looked better on me rather than Hog.
I know what everyone was thinking when they saw the picture in the email,
“Look at how pretty Berg looks in that tiara!” or
“Wow what a pretty, MANLY princess that guy looks like!”
Basically Hog’s dream of being a prissy little pink princess fell to the depths of hell that night.
Pure jealousy.
Anne Hathaway can kiss my nut lining too. (Seriously please do that, Anne!)

Picture 2: Poncho Sanchez
I will come clean with this. Everything is true about dear old Poncho. Lets look at it deeper though.
The fact that Poncho is one of the underworlds most powerful men based out of numerous cocaine plantations is not as bad as it sounds. I mean it’s hard being a businessman now a days! People need their crack! Poncho is merely providing a service to all the beautiful crackheads of the world!
Poncho has killed a lot of people. This is true, but they were for a good reason! In order to be one of the most powerful people, one has to take out the competitor! Come on, its simple economics!
Despite all the killing, the drugs, and the inbreeding; he’s still a cool dude!
So what if we try to take over the US. It’s all good!

Now the dirt on Hog…
You may be wondering about his military record. He SAYS he was in the Army, and he was, but here is where it gets cloudy.
During his time in the Army, he met a woman.
Yes Danielle, I’m sorry to break it to you; Hog was cheating on you with none other than
Lady Jaye.
I have proof too because I met Lady Jaye one day and she gladly signed my Minnesota Moose Starter jacket!
I struggled with this news and felt that
Flint needed to know. I couldn’t tell him because Flint is a good guy and it would’ve broken his heart!

Would
Eddie Money do that?
Would Tom Berg do that?
I didn’t think so
(Hope is on the way)

Hog is also known to slap little, cute puppies around. One day there was this puppy in Poncho’s front lawn when Hog motions for this puppy to come over. The puppy was very meticulous about Hog when, finally, he walked towards Hogs’ open hand. Hog then made a gesture to pet the cute animal when all of a sudden takes his hand off the head and proceeded to slap the puppy around like a bad bitch in the ghetto!

Joe Nedney wouldn’t put up with this.
Neither should you!
(Hope is on the way)


Hog also has been known to dispose of burning tires from 12 dump trucks into the Mississippi River! I told him not too, that it was against a totalitarian ethical framework, but he didn’t listen. He said,
“These tires gotta burn somewhere, why not Iowa?” Why not Iowa, Hog? Because Iowa…. Uh Iowa…… Actually, I don’t know why either. Damn!

I do have more on Hog, but it will wait until tomorrow.

Now it is time for the Labor Day special edition of the Crap List.

1. That lying, spineless salesman in Buffalo, MN
So I have this phat looking Grand Prix picked out and I called up this guy on Saturday and asked if the car was still there. Yes it was. So I drive an hour and 15 minutes to Buffalo when I meet the dealer dude. We walk around the whole lot and drive a bunch of cars, but I kept asking him where the Grand Prix was. He finally walks back from the office and tells me he sold it that morning. I’m not mad that he sold the car. I’m mad that I went to sappy and crappy Buffalo to find out he sold it that morning! WHAT AN ASS! So I then proceeded to waste the dude’s time by throwing out offers for Suburbans and Cadillac convertibles. Not that I was interested in them, I just wanted to be a Richard for once.
2. The Twins
They gave up 12 runs to the Royals on Sunday. This is the same team where we had 3 straight shutouts earlier. The Royals are easiest the worst team in baseball. Although we are pretty content on being 9 games ahead of everyone, it’s just sad to give up 12 runs to this crappy team!
3. The lack of concert etiquette
Concerts are usually always a good way to piss me off because there are always people talking or yelling when they shouldn’t be. Sarah Mclachan is singing one of her slow ballads when these people are having a normal, loud conversation next to me. Then there were people yelling during the song! Yell at the END of the song please! Then there are songs that contain a swear word or two. Just because Sarah Mclachlan says the words F**k, doesn’t mean it’s anything worth overly cheering about.
4. The hot dogs at Xcel
I bought this hot dog for $3.50 at the concert. This was the weakest looking hot dog ever! It was hardly worth a dollar. One can get a dome dog for that money!

Again, please feel free to debate the Hog/ Berg debate and add anything to the Crap List below.
Until tomorrow.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Van Halen Rant part I

(oooooooooooooooooh, she's a little runaway)

So I’m playing my baseball video game today playing. I had Radke pitching a no-hitter through 6 innings against the Cleveland Indians. I had never went that far pitching a no-hitter in the past when finally some bastard-slice hits a little dinker to left field.
Man, I was so mad I drank stale milk!

Then tonight, sure enough, Santana went through the exact same thing!

Johan, I know how it feels man!


I wanted to take this time to rant about Van Halen. After eight years of waiting, they finally toured this summer. And if that wasn’t enough, they were touring with my favorite VH singer, Sammy Hagar.

My Van Halen heyday was in the mid to late 90’s just after Hagar left. I bought the Best Of cd (the better greatest hits album!) and instantly loved the two-hand tapping.
This last summer, I out grew them.

~~~~~~~August 1998~~~~~~~~~~

Van Halen just released ‘Van Halen III’ earlier in the year with vocals by ex-Extreme front man Gary Cherone. In my opinion, the album was interesting in a good way. They added a little depth to their song writing and musically, the songs were hinting of progressive rock. The critics though, probably listened to one song off the album, ‘How Many Say I’ which was Eddie Van Halen’s singing debut. Lyrically, the song was alright; musically the song was decent; vocally the song was about as bad as Breaking Benjamin’s ‘So Cold’ if not worse.

As a whole, I appreciated the experimentation with deeper songs and creativity, but Eddie had to open his damn mouth!

Anyway, they went on tour that year (1998) and they had a date for Float Rite Amphitheatre in Somerset, WI the Sunday before Labor Day.

I was just starting out my first week of college at SSU in Marshall, MN. I was planning on coming back for the weekend to tell everyone what the nightlife in Marshall was like, also attending the Vikings game on that Sunday (Randy Moss’ debut), and heading for the concert shortly after the game!

Better yet, Creed was the opening act for Van Halen, so I could probably get away with skipping church!

Word on the street, was that Eddie started drinking too.
Everything was working out great!

Then the concert was cancelled due to lack of sales. I was somewhat mad (compared to my usual ‘I don’t care’ attitude) and the waiting started. However, the Vikings did end up winning!

~~~~~~~~~Denver 2004~~~~~~~~~~~

This was it man! Not only do I get to see the band I have waited 8 years to see, but also I get to leave that crappy basement in Sodak and see Denver!

The concert was a wake up call. I realized that I grew out of my Van Halen phase while attending the concert.
Maybe it was the stupid on-stage antics or the carnie looking crowd or even 58-year-old Sammy Hagar laying on the stage and kicking his legs to the song, “Jump”. I found myself rolling my eyes more than a few times during the show.

As a rule of thumb, if you’re in a band and you’re looking for a lead singer;

FIND SOMEONE THAT IS AROUND THE AGE OF THE BAND!

Van Halen is mostly a band in their 40’s with a singer that flirting with his 60’s!

Someone F’ed up.

And then there are the ‘Best of Both Worlds’ so-called Van Halen’s greatest hits.

Pfff far from it! I’ll continue this rant next week.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Womens' Ping Pong

(BA-DA-BAP-BA-BA-----I’M LOVIN’ IT!)

So I walk to another dealership today when the dealer dude asks,
“So, uh what kinda model are ya looking for?” and I says,
“I was wondering if you had an Ichiro Suzuki in stock.”

Hello? Hello? [tap, tap] Is this thing working?

Twins won again man! All with Mulholland & Borders as battery mates! Not to mention, these September call-ups are very interesting. That Tiffie dude whom won it for the Twins with a fluky two-run double and Kubel (the new Mauer) sitting on the bench.

Today in ESPN they had on one of the most fascinating sports I have ever seen,
Women’s’ Ping Pong! I believe they actually called it table tennis, but lets not give it that much dignity.
So if your like me you think they might have the some crazy characters playing ping pong right? Nah, these women were complete ‘yeah babies’! The ‘yeah baby’ factor was so severe that I think it may be a secret clue to finding the illustrious ‘Hot Girl Camp’.

The thing that separates this sport from regular tennis or volleyball (both sponsored by Hot Girl Camp) is that this game is more laid back. The competitors will actually bust out a smile and laugh a bit while playing, unlike that steely-eyed prick, Forest Gump

This summer working for the Forest Service in South Dakota, I thought I was hot on the trail for this sacred camp noticing that SoDak does have a high proportion of hotties. However; like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it just keeps getting farther from my grasp.

PING PONG IS A VITAL CLUE!!!

Now if a representative could chime in with a clue, hell even a hint as to what goes on at “Hot Girl Camp” It would allow me to sit in a hammock and dream if only a day!
All I know now about Hot Girl Camp is that it’s somewhere warm (so they can stay nice and warm and hot during the Winter) and they play tons of Volleyball, Tennis, and Ping Pong. They probably also listen to that stupid girl power song ‘This Ones for the Girls”, which I will allude to another day.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

All Hail Pat Borders!

(Low down, mo town, HOL-I-DAY INN.)

Last nights Twins game was definitely one of those magical Aug/Sept games that always come with a division title run. Last year we had it with that psycho bunt/throwing error by (the angels?). Yeah it was crazy, we were down by two runs in the bottom of the ninth when the Angels (or maybe it was the WSox) screwed up. Anyway it was crazy. Last night the Twins were out of bullpen help. They were actually warming up old man Mulholland, tonights starting pitcher!

I had the radio on at work when the Dazzleman sounded like he was spontaneously combusting to Hunter’s three run, walk-off homer. However, I do appreciate the passion and what may be considered ‘unprofessional’ yelling. Just like Paul Allen’s take on the Hail Mary, just-the-vikes-luck, touchdown.
“NOOOOOOOOO! (3-second pause) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE CARDINALS JUST KNOCKED THE VIKINGS OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!"

It’s what we were all thinking at the time though! Well, with some other choice words of course!


Going back on the Twins though, their ticket to the playoffs came yesterday when they acquired 41 year old catcher, Pat Borders. You would think that Borders would have some Minnesota ties knowing the history of the Twins and St. Paul natives in thier 40's. I went through extensive research and found that he in fact has no ties to Minnesota except that he used to play them. Maybe he has a friend, who has a friend, that came here for a Lynx game.


Survey says, probably not.

Maybe it’s a new direction the Twins will go in now! Maybe we’ll try and pry Candy Maldonado out of retirement! Now that Joe Nathan is injured it just paves the way for Duane Ward to step in and finish his illustrious career that has just been hampered by…well, who knows what. Then there’s Joe Carter and Ed Sprague! Oh and lets not forget,
lets NOT forget Juan Guzman who always had the Twins number!

Actually, I would much rather have a 41 year old Pat Borders behind the plate catching than the softball keg man, Lecroy or even prettyboy Piazza.

Speaking of which, what a puzzle that is, trying to find somewhere to play Piazza. IN THE NATIONAL LEAGUE of all leagues!!!! He might want to go back to doing Prell commercials or selling the newest Lever 2000 scent, ‘I’m totally not, 100% gay!’ It’s got a 20-day anti-gay warrantee where if you have any gay tendencies from using the soap, you get your money back!