Search This Blog

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

I wear my ignorance proudly!

(They’re building the gallows outside my cell, I got 25 minutes to go)

I’ve been pondering many questions about myself recently, taking stock if you will. I’ve been trying to figure out lifelong questions cloaked with mystery.

Heading that list is,

Why the hell don’t I care about NBA basketball anymore?
It’s really been puzzling to me. The Wolves played Sacramento on Sunday night and Number 1, I had no idea. Number 2, I only watched about 2 minutes of it and that was because Desperate Housewives was in a commercial.

I remember last year when I did give a damn. The only basketball game I attended was against the Sac Kings at the Target Center. I called off work and everything so I could watch the two best teams duke it out for first. I was pumped for this game!

I knew who the highest scorers were, I knew how many triple doubles Jason Kidd had collected, and most importantly I would, at the very least, look at the Wolves box score after a game.

I know it’s the selfish mentality that a lot of basketball players have, which distances it from the other sports, but basketball has always been like that.

Then I was thinking that it was subconscious racism on my part. It can’t be that either because I hate the white guys even more than I hate the black ones and there are only like 30 white guys in the NBA.

For instance

Brad Miller is an enormous bitch. I wish he could one day stuff his vagina with powdered sugar so that maybe, just maybe he could stop his whining

Scot Pollard is an instant fist of rage for me. I don’t know how he plays and he could be a decent guy, but he looks like an ass-pirate! Does he try purposely to look like a dick? Does his wife decide the hairstyles? “Honey, I’m going for the ‘pole-stuck-WAY-up-my-ass’ look. See what you can whip up.”

Rick Rickert: what a complete dumbass asshole! Thought he could just enter the NBA because he could grab a couple rebounds for the Gophers. Yeah right, he thought he was going to be a lottery pick! Totally screwed up the Gophers

Jason Williams: That stupid whoop-de-do is great but not if you turn the ball over 7 times a game!

Yao Ming: I have nothing against the Chinese. I wont even try to act like I’m racist to 1billion+ people either. That’s just plain stupid

And then solidifying my hatred for white athletes are the ‘annoying white receivers’ in football. Every team has one and they always seem to catch 3rd and long passes. They’ll always find a way to grab a ball that is seemingly 10 feet out of bounds.

But then again, I’m a person who’s proud of his ignorance. I wear it on my sleeve.

Nah I don’t know. I may never care again!

Monday, November 29, 2004

Help Me Butter My Buns

(Wind is coming on, days getting dreary, and I’m thinkin’ this is the season that I leave you all)

Word

I spent the weekend in Mankato (‘kato as I call it,) for a bachelor party.
Too bad the damn groom forgort to ask the bride for his balls for this one, last weekend.

Actually I take that back, I’m just a little bitter that our buddy (who’s getting married) couldn’t join us at the strip joint.

There was a day a couple years ago, that a bunch of us, guys, decided to attend this gentleman’s club and we came during someone else’s bachelor’s party.
Oh man, if you’re a guy and you’re getting married or if you know someone getting married, take ‘em over to the good ‘ole strip joint for good times and laughs. They put the groom on the stage and they make sure this guy is leaving bachelorhood with a bang… and a lot of ripped up clothes.

So we had this whole thing planned out (or at least I did) and we’re getting ready to send our buddy on over for the lap dance of a lifetime until he said,
“Sorry guys, I can’t go”
“WTF?” we shout.
“Guys, I promised my bride that I wouldn’t because she considers it cheating”.

(blink:blink)

We were as shocked as shocked could be.

My man’s a strong one to stick to that promise and god knows that I’d never agree to it, but at least tell us the struggle you had reaching that agreement!

I mean I know for a fact that if my future bride (pass the joint man) ever told me these guidelines, I would be in top-notch negotiation mode. Then if negotiations didn’t work the whining, kicking, screaming, bitching, complaining, moaning, crying (a manly cry btw), wimpering, and pouting would take place.
The ‘big guns’ if you will.
Then if that didn’t work, I’d just have to concede because I’d have given her every damn trick in the book. Then at the bachelors’ party, when it came time to attend the strip joint, I would just ‘tell it like it is’.

“Sorry guys, Kristen Davis says I can’t. I’M SORRY, I tried EVERYTHING I had, including offering to—ah nevermind. There’s nothing I can do. The only thing she’ll let me do is drink light beer and ‘beat off’ in the corner.”

And as the guys leave rolling their eyes and taking their disappointed breaths, I (and they) would know that I tried EVERYTHING.
Rest assured guys, I’ll make it happen!

Lots of crap today

1. People who use the word ‘phone’ as a verb
“Last night I phoned my neighbor.” GOD, SHUT UP! You ‘CALLED’ your neighbor. I picture someone being ‘phoned’ when they got their asses kicked within an inch of their lives with the ‘phone’ as the main weapon.
~~~~~~~
Orenthal talking to his buddy Al about the previous night.

Orenthal: Last night I just phoned the fuck outta a couple people. Seriously Al, get the Bronco warmed up, I need to get outta here or else I’ll come over and phone you good!
~~~~~~~~~
Granted it is grammatically acceptable to use it as a verb, but it doesn’t mean you gotta say it that way.

2. My Mom’s idea of Christmas
My mom came up with this retarded idea that this Christmas we’ll just do the Secret Santa thing. (Sigh)
Secret Santa is when you draw names out of a hat and whomever’s name you draw, you buy a gift for that person, hence the name Secret Santa.

This Secret Santa/gift exchange is great for friends, coworkers, and entire family get-togethers but not for us (Tim, Tom, Dad&Mom) primery family members. She claims she wants it this way because she’s sick of buying presents that we don’t want/use.

There’s a simple solution to that enigma and I’ll be careful with this…

Buy us a gift that we WILL want/use.

Now, I don’t believe that I am high maintenance at all. I don’t expect someone to go out and spent $100 let alone a dime on me because it’s all about the holidays. I appreaciate the gesture because I certainly didn’t need the gift.
But if one is going to give me a gift, please put a little thought into it.

For instance, one year I received a ‘sponge holder’ for Christmas.

I will wait, and let you read that again. Now absorb that last sentence.

It was wrapped up and everything. How the hell does one act when they open a sponge holder for Christmas?

“How nice it's a-oOHhhh I got a--What the crap is this?”

Then there was the ‘Computa-saurus’ T-shirt I received when I was 19, which my mom used to sell at her former employer.

I mean dog gamn! It shouldn’t be this hard! Target sells a ton of crap; get me a freakin Target card instead of the ‘I love Webster’ Medium T-shirt. What does Target have that I don’t want? Uh, besides a sponge holder.

3. Hot Bartenders
I came across this bar with this unbelievable bar tender. Naturally, I felt like buying a beer and staying for a little bit. The hard thing is—well, the other hard thing is leaving the damn bar. Why couldn’t they just put some woman that got ‘phoned’ the other night, who’s sportin’ 3 black eyes, and hates the world all behind the bar?
That way I could actually control my drinking.

4. Relatives with their strange comments.
Did I ever tell ya that I’m a cook? For Thanksgiving I was in charge of the rolls, just throw ‘em in the oven until they’re hot.
Bon apatite.
So my uncle says, in the suggestive tone,
“Do you need any help buttering up those buns?”
For which I wasn’t ready for. However, I go play along,
“Ah yes, why don’t you help me butter my buns?” Because I figure it’s a matter of whom can gross out whom the most.
Apparently I won because my uncle wasn’t ready for that comment and because he had this freaked out look on his face to which he then proceeded to talk about guns and women.

(Sigh)

oh by the way, H you would be proud of me. I had one 'blazin' wing at BWIII's this weekend!!! I don't need the skirt anymore!

until tomorrow.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Adrien Brody's got a big F'n nose!

(So whats the use in all these words, where’s the heart that I used to love)

That bitch Brandon Stokley did it again. Stupid cracker (it’s okay for me to say because I’m white) stole three touchdowns from starvin’ Marvin! It was Marvin that should’ve had the six-touchdown day! Well, one could say that Harrison had a good day with 3 touchdowns and all, but I wanted more; I expected more!

-Since no ones wondering, I had the mashed potatoes and gravy first.

The relatives came over as well and I must say, I did a fine damn job of ignoring them. I really didn’t even make a conscience effort to ignore them either.

My dad was getting wasted on Smirnoff Triple Black and he was telling, anyone that would listen, all about all the drama going on at the workplace. He’s telling the story like my uncles work along side him; he’s throwing out like 20 names (some of which I don’t even know). Then he wants to start talking about natural resources, so naturally I try and step in. Every damn time I would talk, my dad would look at me like,
“Hey, you’re crashing my party and what the hell would you know about the dynamics of gas prices?”.
I think he may have forgotten that he helped contribute a portion of his hard-earned wage so that I could attend the UofM and receive (knock on wood) a Bachelor in Science degree in NATURAL RESOURCES AND ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE!

My uncle then realizes that I know a little bit more about the topic and then we start chatting it up. My dad, in disgust, then heads on in the kitchen for another Smirnoff Triple Black.
This is exactly why I dislike family gatherings. Why can’t Mom just lay on the couch for 5 hours like she does on a nightly basis? Why can’t Dad just watch the speed channel and yell at anyone making the least bit of noise for interrupting the fascinating ‘in car’ interviews.

INTERVIEWER: So Donny David, what is your current strategy for this year’s Viagra 500?
DONNY DAVID: Well, you know Phil, I’m just trying to take really fast left hand turns until I see that one goofy looking flag. Then I’m going to get me a lawn chair, drink some Blatz, and masturbate to this, here, portrait of President Bush.

Why would anyone want to interrupt that?

Then there’s my brother, he wakes up at 11:30am, says hi to the relatives, and heads into the driveway with paper towels and Windex. He then went on the clean the barf from his passenger side door like it was any other Thursday.
Like in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, my bro earned mucho respect for that act. I almost felt like helping him clean it off too!

Anywho,
football picks

I rocked ass on Thanksgiving going (2-0) because not anyone would’ve picked the Colts to win… and uh NO one could’ve predicted that the Bears would suck ass either!

Anyway I’m (88-70)

Cleveland @ Cincinnati
The battle of Ohio. I have no damn clue. I’ve been a bit of a Browns fan this year only because I have Lee Suggs. I have no clue, Browns probably?
Browns 20 Bengals 10

San Diego @ Kansas City
Was that really me that predicted the Chiefs to beat the Patriots last week? If I would’ve just had a little common sense and predicted another Patriots victory, I would’ve won like 11 games and being even more unstoppable on my picks. I think I have something against the Patriots.
Chargers 37 Chiefs 20

Baltimore @ New England
If the Ravens had any offense I would pick them. I remember the good ole days when they had the likes of Trent Dilfer and Quadry Ismail. Then they would sign anyone and everyone with the last name of Lewis. That was the year they beat that high-powered offense that was The New York Giants behind Kerry Kollins. What a screwed up year that was!
Patriots 27 Ravens 13

Philadelphia @ NY Giants
I don’t know what it is, it just doesn’t seem like the Eagles are as good as their record shows. Right now, the freakin’ rams are slotted as the last wildcard team in the NFC with a 5-5 record! The NFC is like the Eastern Conference in basketball. Speaking of basketball, HOW THE HELL DO THE T-WOLVES LOSE TO THE PACERS? WTF?
Eagles 34 Giants 24

Washington @ Pittsburgh
You know, I have always been a Steelers fan. I think I still have my Rod Woodson jersey from like 10 years ago. I remember in Madden ’95 that he was a ‘10’ in speed. I’d have the dude as my running back, receiver, and punt returner. The Deion was a ten too. Just that he couldn’t tackle worth a god damn!
Steelers 27 Redskins 9

Tampa Bay @ Carolina
I’m playing the Carolina defense, therefore it seems completely clear to me that the Bucs will run all over the Panthers.
Panthers 28 Bucs 26

Tennessee @ Houston
I saw that Seinfeld reunion show tonight, twas one of the fastest hours I have ever lived through. Larry David is the kind of guy would love to just hang out and watch tv with. I got the bloopers on one of those DVD’s that came out and they’re fantastic!
Texans 24 Titans 10

New Orleans @ Atlanta
I think that Micheal Vick has more 100-yd rushing games than all my running backs put together (and I have six!). That’s probably not a good thing eh. Although I get tons of points for Vick’s wild interpretation of running from the cops, I wish he’d run a fucking touchdown in once in awhile.
Falcons 34 Saints17

Miami @ San Francisco
I was watching that Seattle/Miami game last week and just when announcers were calling it a night and giving the Dolphins the game, the up and fuck it up again. Speaking of the Dolphins, have you seen Marino try like a madman to keep cooled and calm when someone mentions his record of 48 touchdowns in a season? I bet he’s got a checklist of touchdowns needed by Manning and after each touchdown, he beats his wife (and/or homeless man) a little harder.
Dolphins 25 49ers 17

Buffalo @ Seattle
Buffalo really put a number on the Rams last week and (surprise) the Seahawks haven’t lived up to their predictions. Since the Seahawks are playing at home, They’ll win I guess. This is the type of game that completely screws up my record.
Seahawks 34 Bills 20

NY Jets @ Arizona
I always have to pick the Cards. I actually somewhat long for the days of Denny Green. Everytime I see Tice playing Bennett and then Smith, and then just give up the running game altogether, I wish we had someone a little competent in there. Apparently it seems like if the vikes don’t get any meaningful yards in the first five carries, then fuck the running game.
Jets 17 Cards 14

Oakland @ Denver
Stupid ass Rueben Droughns made me lose last week. I was three minutes too late on fetching the dude one day. Holy crap, check out Adrian Brody’s nose in this pic. He’s got to hook up with gonzo-er Sarah Jessica Parker.
Broncos 24 Raiders 7

St. Louis @ Green Bay
As much as I really hate the packers, I have to go with GB here. The question remains,
Who will shoot their load over Brett Farve first? Madden, Michaels, or (the darkhorse) Tafoya? Eh Madden by a long shot (pardon the pun).
Packers 28 Rams 20

Jacksonville @ Minnesota
I just don’t like this matchup at all! Jacksonville has one hell of a run defense which means the Vikes will have like 7 carries (as a team). I can see Fred Taylor running his ass off for like 160yds. Prove me wrong guys! Prove me wrong.
Jags 21 Vikes 10

H has some babes that you can check out on his site. He’s rated some babes that I completely forgot. He even found some WNBA hotties (which I refuse to believe).

Have a great damn weekend

Thursday, November 25, 2004

More 'Babe's' to Evaluate

(Ooooooooh You’ve got to just (vogue) let your body move to the music, Ooooooooh you’ve got to just VOGUE, VOGUE, VOGUE)

Before you do anything click here for a special message from me.


Typing up this blog for Thanksgiving reminds me of the old days in how I would spend New Years Eve.
I would be watching Dick Clark's 'New Years Rockin' Eve' and right when the clock turned midnight, I would turn the channel to some public access station because I wanted to be the only person in the world to be watching that channel at that specific time. Those days sparked my interest for public access cable (specifically Minneapolis public access cable) and complete boredom.

As you folk (s) are shaking your head and frowning, let me remind you that my genetics come from a man from Wisconsin and a woman from Iowa.

Any unanswered questions about myself always ends up being directed to that last point.

Hog, you were a little too late on your MILF request for babes although it is a brilliant idea. H actually beat you to the punch. If my memory serves me correctly, H wanted me to rank the ‘centers of the WNBA’

Gladly!

Lets start out with…ah…

Slobodanka Tuvic
I must admit, I’ve never seen her play. In fact, I never knew she played basketball. In fact, in fact, I never even knew a woman named Slobadanka existed. However; I am ignorant, so that answers a lot. Judging by her picture on WNBA.com she looks like a mannequin in her mug shot. Wasn’t she in that Herbie Hancock video? No offense to Slobo or any female center, but I just would never ‘tap’ a center. Maybe a guard. Maybe even a forward (if I went backpacking for a month with her). I’ve seen worse though.
Uh… a 1???

Lisa Leslie
She’s a model… uh…


OH THE HELL WITH THIS.

Screw you H!

Nah actually today I REALLY wanted to talk about babes in commercials and give my all time favorite commercials.

Same scales apply

I’ll start out with the….

Coors Light twins
Let me be the first to say that they are over-RATED!! They seem to be porn star knock offs (and not in that subtle way). I can honestly say that when I’m at the football viewing restaurant I wont even look at this commercial. Maybe it’s because they never show those twins for longer than 2 seconds or that they are just plain ole butt ugly for a beer commercial. Whatever, at least if it were twins of Slobodanka Tuvic it would be a surprise.
4 (because beer commercials can do better than that)

But light commercial babes (as a whole)
I have to clump all these together because ALL OF THEM feature some really fine looking hotties. The first that comes to mind is that ref on the beach with that couple. Anyway hottie (with the disproportionate body) ends up getting interested with reffie. NOW she is a definite hottie! As annoying as that ref was, secretly was thinking,
“Good call there ref, don’t need to go back to the booth with that one!”.
Then there’s the dude that dollying a couple cases of budlight to a couple hotties in the bar. They don’t show the hotties nearly enough as they should, but it sure was nice for the first 5 seconds of the commercial.
Then there’s the dumbass that gets a male model to fill in for his non-model self. His wife, by the way is an extreme hottie. She ends up ‘doin’ the model and telling the husband that he was a ‘real tiger earlier today’. Just give me the chance baby!
Then lets not forget, lets NOT forget the famous bud light mud wrestling commercial. That was a work of art! If I were ever in the mood for cheap ass light beer-made-from-rice-that-would-be-banned-in-other-countries-for-not-reaching-quality-standarts, Bud light would indeed be that beer. Indeed
10 (I applaud you Bud light!)

Michalobe Ultra
This is another company that can pick a genuine hottie. Their commercials don’t make a lick of sense with all the extreme sports going on and right away downing a beer. You’d think it were a Gatorade commercial or at least an old school juicyfruit advertisement (ah remember those, EVERYBODY: Juicy fruit, is gonna move ya, it tastes so soft, it moves right through ya, Juicy fruit the taste, the taste, the taste is gonna MOVE YA!)

Thank you, thank you.

Nah, that commercial where hottie and kiss-ass are in the meeting and decide to go inline skating is a damn fine hottie. I don’t know how to skate, but I’d definitely be up for it. I may even drink the beer shortly afterwords. Although my tolerance is so low that I may even get wasted from a single bottle of ‘Ultra’. Then of course I would probably end up groping her, trying to skate from the cops, and finally end up tripping over a giant curb and tearing my lower abdomen AND getting fired from that dumb job anyway.
It would all be worth it though.
Another 10

Budwieser
Frogs, dudes, horses kicking field goals, and true(?)
Muy mal budweier.

0

T-mobile with Katherine Zeta-Jones
Eh, these commercials feature ‘Zeta’ blabbing about T-mobile and something else. She’s alright outside of the commercials, but I just don’t ‘dig’ the accent (and I love accents) and she just doesn’t look up to potential

5

Payless shoes with Starr Jones
Ugh… I remember the first commercial she used to do. They’s show shoes on most of the screen and then Jones’s mug would be shot from another side of the screen. Most people’s mugs would take about 75% or so of that screen, Jones’s took like 110% of that little box. It didn’t seem possible! Just goes to show that Jones is cutting edge, literally.
2 (because she’s RICH BEOTCH!)

Toyota
The problem with a lot of these commercials is that no-one knows who the hell these hotties are! I’m starting to think that they are all computer generated. This commercial is relatively new in that she’s in the desert and talking about how the Tercell or whatever acts when…. Actually I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. All I do know is that she’s dark, long hair, dark eyes, wearing short-shorts with great legs, AND has a damn fine accent. I’m a fan!
9

Levitra
Have you seen this one. It’s where this woman is blathering about how her husband can now get it up. It’s the one where they’re hanging out at their (or someone else) garage. I just don’t know. She looks alright and she seems really happy, but there’s something to her. I get this feeling that her husband is cheating on her because she just can’t ‘make it happen’ anymore. I don’t think it’s a Levitra problem, rather a ‘start looking hotter, NOW’ problem. She’s got potential though, but the clock is ticking.
2 (because she’s got problems)

oh then there’s

Overstock.com girl
Wow. She’s almost worse than a best buy rewards zone card. Whenever I see this commercial I want to buy random things from overstock.com hoping that overstock will screw up and send her in the box instead of my ‘Mick ultra bottle holder collection’. It goes beyond that too. She can be seen in this bad ass tennis outfit sporting pigtails… it’s just not fair! Then she’s all office-boss like in her conservative look…damn. Finally, she’s nude talking about….something(?). I’m a fan!
10

Tom’s all time hall of fame

Subway’s ‘Opa’ commercial

By far the best commercial ever simply because it doesn’t feature that prick, Jared but also because this opa girl was great looking! Now you probably don’t remember it because it wasn’t like she was wearing a miniskirt or anything. Actually she looked very conservative. I think it’s just because she doesn’t seem so much like a fantasy even though I could come a great fantasy though. ~~~~having a great night and heading back to my place…..”Say it BITCH, SAY IT!!!”
And the fantasy ending with,
“OH…..OPAH!!!!!!!!!”

Listerine commercial
I remember they used to brag about how it only takes the length of a commercial to rinse your mouth out with a swig of this. This one commercial had this woman rinsing out her teeth like a regular person. The great thing about this was the looks she was giving as she was cleaning her teeth. It was almost as if she was in the middle of something else. Oh she had great eyes and a face (because that’s all one could see). The ending is great though. She spits and raises one eyebrow like “yeah, I know what you’re thinking”
Wow

That Doritos commercial
You know which one I’m talking about. The woman is in the laundry mat flingin 3D Doritos around when she ends up doing the splits. Being in a laundry mat alone with Ali Landry is great enough but the splits? I think after that aired, men everywhere were running for the bathroom and the local Laundromat.

And that’s all I can think of at the moment.

Any great commercials please feel free to drop a comment because I KNOW I forgot a couple.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Gravy over everything!

(Night after night, going ‘round and ‘round my brain, this dream, is driving me insane)

-Remember how I was tellin’ you about that nice big wad of spit that landed on my car?
Well I warshed it today and…(sigh) it’s still there.

-I just spent like $150 bucks at Best Buy today. I blame it all on that drug they encourage you to buy.
“GET THE NEW BEST BUY REWARDS ZONE CARD. IT PAYS FOR ITSELF AFTER THE FIRST $300 YOU SPEND!”

You would be amazed at how many guys fall for that. What’s worse is that I knew this was going to happen.

I have always mulled around Best Buy (a lot of times because I was bored) and debated on purchasing movies, DVD’s, SACD’s, minidiscs, The stupid free cd that always comes with the new release, and a 20oz of Coke. I’ve always held back on purchasing that stuff because I just don’t need it.

Now that I have this god damn fucking card, it tips the scales enough so I buy every damn thing I contemplate. Today I almost needed a shopping cart!

-I bought like 4 cd’s today as well. Like I’m ever going to have time to listen to them

-Since no one surfs the Internet on a week like this I feel that I can write whatever the hell I want. Not that anything ever stops me all the other times.

For instance, I’ve noticed that more people cum to this site if I use the words,

Tits
Ass
Breasts
Pussy willow
corn on the cob

Not that anyone will find any of these in this entry, it’s just nice to con people a little bit

-Most people are taking Thursday and Friday off, but not me man. Rest assured that Bergblog will be bloggin’ your ass off until Friday.
I just keep on truckin because I know there are probably more bored people after the feast and they need something to read. Not to mention, it gives me an excuse to leave the relatives for a little while.

-Thanksgiving picks (before I forget)

(10-6) last week Not to mention I almost predicted that Dallas/Baltimore score and I was damn close on the Colts/Bears game. I applauded myself for that!
(86-70) overall

alright, who’s playing…..

get the crappy game outta the way
Chicago @ Dallas
I’ll probably be typing up my entry while this stupid game is going on. Although, when I think about it, it could be a really good defensive game. Too bad no one gives a damn about either team
Cowboys 16 Bears 6

Indianapolis @ Detroit
I can feel it, Marvin will finally have a monster week! I don’t want stupid ass Reggie Wayne to get anything. No silly white dudes (Stokley,Clark)taking all the completions, and especially not stupid-ass Marcus Pollard to ruin it for me (like last week). Edge James can then ‘suck it’.
Hell, just put Marvin as running back. Let Marvin pass the ball to himself. Give Vanderzynski (or whatever the hell his name is) the night off and let Marvin do the kicking.
Colts 49 Lions 27

-I still haven’t decided what I’m going to eat first on Thursday mashed potatoes, rolls, green bean casserole (or is it hot dish?), or the stuffing. It’s going to come down to a game time decision.
My money is on the rolls though. Just a hint.
I know one thing is certain, GRAVY OVER EVERYTHING!!!!

It makes everything better…EVERYTHING!

-This Thursday I will once again have a special Thanksgiving ‘babes’ section I will add. Any requests will be most helpful
later

Berg's Spite Camp

(Thunder only happens when it’s raining, lovers only love you when they’re playing)


ugh, The relatives are coming over for Thanksgiving.

Not all of them thank god, but just a couple.

It’s not that I hate or dislike them, its just that there is this never-ending awkwardness towards people I don’t know but are still my flesh and blood.

My Mom is all trying to be like Mrs. Cleaver with her, ‘were the best little ole’ family’ routine and my dad is trying to be Mr. Cool. The bro is actually one I can relate a little bit to, and he does a good job of just showing the family what he’s been up to since last time.

It’s not just ‘these’ family members either; it’s from both sides.

Everytime we end up going to Wisconsin to visit my dad’s sister, there are always secrets that are made that wind up going towards me. Stuff that usually should be left unsaid.

Now in the past when I have been nagged, I usually nip it in the bud with a little,
“SHUT UP AND GET THE HELL OUTTA MY ROOM!” and that usually does the trick. I’m with David Stern for that I always make an example of what not to do/say as far as ‘my stuff’.

Relatives don’t understand that because they don’t know me, and they think these are harmless questions they ask.
“So, why don’t you clean up your room?”
“Why don’t you wash your car every Saturday?”
“Why wont you admit that the Packers are God’s team?”

Basic questions yes but if these are genuine questions, get the fuck off of your soapbox and worry about your own damn life! If my room is dirty, let me deal with it. After all I’m the one who sleeps in there. If my car needs to be washed, you can make the damn payments and cover insurance for me and then wash it! If the Packers are God’s team, did they just take a break throughout the 70’s and 80’s?

Still it’s petty.

But the relatives act like they’re the moderators of huge miscommunication lost with the family.

I’ve never understood the value of an uncle or grandparent because I’ve never really known one. It’s hard to even tell I’m related to them without being told so. Still, I don’t feel any connection to them. They’re more or less strangers that I meet every year.

So, I’ll probably be at the table on Thursday and get bombarded with these questions. The immediate family will probably join-in thinking that there wont be an outburst since there’s company.

Pff whatever man.

It’s especially troubling because I’m all about keeping the population down and I tend to believe that couples who have more than two kids are really god damn selfish. (Why do you need more than two kids?)
Then there’s my mom’s side of the family that grew up on a farm. As much as I try to dissuade myself this logic it seems that it was a family where one of the main reasons for producing kids was to have extra help cleaning the hog pens, mowing the lawn, and feeding the cattle.

Which is enough to make my head explode.

I know, live, and understand the notion that people come and go meaning that they go…permanently, but when the family just keeps coming back. The notion doesn’t work if you see them every damn year.

Whatever…

Since hackin’ up my inner troubles I thought I share my trouble with spite.

It’ve actually spited only a couple people in my lifetime. I find it to be more effective than jumping in the stands and beating the hell outta someone. When I do, I end up not talking to them at all because I don’t care to acknowledge them. These instances have always stemmed from blatant attempts of being an asshole and/or someone trying to hurt me for no apparent reason.

I’ve known to ignore people for a couple days, a week, and even close to a year. I’ve in the middle of a current ‘spitant’ and it’s nearing it’s end because I just can’t spite someone that long!

I mean I keep thinking it’s an endurance thing. Like I need practice spiting and after awhile I’ll be so good at it that I’ll obliterate the whole world for longer than nine months.

Is spite an appropriate way to live life? In the beginning it sure as hell seems so. When it ends it sure as hell doesn’t.

Maybe that’s how I can become a millionaire, a spite camp.

[COME TO BERG’S SPITE CAMP WHERE YOU CAN EVEN LEARN TO SPITE BRETT FAVRE: WISCONSIN’S NEW JESUS]

it’s a start eh?

Monday, November 22, 2004

Bring it Kiki! Bring it!

(The rain fell slow, down in all the rooms of uncertainty, I thought of you and all the years of all the sadness fell away from me)

To get a couple matters out of the way,

Last Thursday I received a plethora of comments about the babes I rated.
“Brilliant” was said by Eric.
“...something I can relate to.” Was mentioned by The Hannes.

Then I saw the generally good suggestion by H, to do a sports theme this week featuring Jenny Finch, Anna, some hot golfers. Then it gets interesting… Lindsey Whelan and Janel McCarvell(?).

It leads me to wonder if H has a secret obsession with womens’ basketball, moreover the Gopher women’s basketball team.

However, my response is that there will be a sober day in Wisconsin when I start critiquing the bodies of female centers’ in basketball. I mean McCarvell is only like 21 and a female center! That’s just unethical and wrong.

Unless that is…. You can find me a great looking center. Was Rebecca Lobo a center? She’s got some fantastic horse teeth!

Then there was almost-VP, Sean, wearing his cranckypants about how I ‘stole’ his scale for women. Pfff is all I can say. Am I not able to hum the theme to Sanford and Sons (like at the ol’ liquor store)? Am I not able to walk into another liquor store and say,
“WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR VERMOUTH!?”

Sean, I will use (steal) any great material from you during the liquor store days. And I will add,
‘Don’t playa hate, playa particiPATE!’

[Sean’s GF reading last Thursdays ‘The Illustrious four pack’ entry]
GF: Hey honey dumpling, Berg here has this scale that critiques women in four different categories of cute, beautiful, pretty, and hot.
Sean: That bitch, that’s my scale! He totally stole my idea!
GF: You mean, YOU came up with this disrespectful, ‘slotting’ of women? Is this how you spent all day at that liquor store?
Sean: Uh, no… uh DOH!
[Sean brings his fist up to the sky and shakes violently: DAMMIT BERG! YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF SEAN!


And I didn’t, because he gave me that message, which sparked off this whole little skit anyway.

Ah yes

The Crap List

1. Manhood
Ok this is referring to that badass brawl that happened in Detroit last Friday. Why does everyone feel the need to puff out their manhood whenever they get pushed? I mean ok you can either push back or you can just say, ‘Go to hell’ and not even waste the time.
No, ya always gotta fight. Ya gotta stick up for yourself because if some stupid f&cktard wants to start something with you, you have to follow through. I mean I understand that emotions run wild in the middle of the game, but aren’t players (or anyone) mentally stronger if they can control their emotions and use it to their advantage down the stretch of the game?

I believe Stephen A. Smith said after Garnett was slugged in the face by Anthony Peeler, that he should’ve fought back.

LIKE HELL HE SHOULD’VE! That would’ve been the most selfish action of that entire year. Whatever Steven A. Smith says is never worth repeating, but even the notion of the years MVP trying to prove his manhood to Anthony Peeler is just downright retarded!

Not to mention that watching basketball players fighting is just a pathetic scene because of their body type. You have these 6’6-7’1 guys all trying to swing their arms and land one right in the face. It ends up looking like the sloppiest fight ever with the gangly arms wildly being thrown in the air and the basketball shoes being used to try and stomp someone’s face in. All you need is the dust and you’d have yourself a regular ‘cartoon’ fight where everything seems to revolve, clockwise around that cloud of dust.

Baseball players fighting, now that’s’ cool! The batter comes at the pitcher with their big ass bat and the catcher is trying to put the dude in a headlock. That’s sweet!

2. The parents of Kiki Vandeweghe
That name is about one of the stupidest names I have ever heard! Lets name our kid ‘Kiki’ after that dumb Elton John song with Kiki Dee. I don’t know if that was the case or not, but I’ll assume so. This is a guy that probably hasn’t been in a fight because can you imagine someone saying,
“Cmon Kiki, whatcha got?”
“You mother f&ckin’ punk-ass beotch, you’re dead Kiki!”

It’s just not worth it. Why couldn’t they give him a regular name like Gary, or Trent, or Vladamir?

3. The 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates
Any team that has their own theme song will probably end up on this list someday. This one came to mind based on everything: having been played through the era of disco, their uniforms, and ‘We Are Family’ as their theme song. I no longer need think about Loren Jackson in order to gag when there is the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates. Think of the October setting in Pittsburgh and watching these guys come out in the field with Sister Sledge blaring through the awful Three Rivers Stadium loudspeakers.
‘We-are-fam-ily, I-got-all-my-sisters-and-me’ Maybe for the WNBA, but not for a team of guys.

4. College Football
This is the dumbest league I have ever known. Okay lets say there are 4 teams that end up with undefeated records, Oklahoma, Auburn, Boise St., and Harvard (just throwing a team out). Coaches then vote for the these teams to play in a bowl. Well if I’m the Kansas St. coach, I’m going to vote for the Sooners because if they go to the Orange bowl, then my conference and school with get more money. Then, between these four teams, whoever has been on tv the most, has the most coaches in their conference voting, and had the luck of picking a hard schedule will probably end up going to the Orange bowl.

So, can a great team come out of the WAC? Sure, but because of how ‘weak’ the conference is, there’s little chance of winning a national title unless you happen to pick the three best teams in the country to play during your non conference schedule.

So what relieves this? A god damn playoff system, which all the big sh*ts are afraid to utilize. I don’t believe there has been a champion in the last 10years (other than Oklahoma) because unless there are one/two teams left with the best overall record, there really isn’t a good way to find a champion based on this system.

Babes on Thursday, although I don’t know what theme to focus on.

I really want to do commercials, but I don’t know.
later

Friday, November 19, 2004

Aussie Pink Floyd and football picks...and I'm tired

(There is no pain, you are receding, A distant ship's smoke on the horizon)

Man, just saw the Australian Pink Floyd tonight… DAMN! Talk about great guitarists, they had these two Aussies that just kicked a thorough ass coving that fret board.

They had it all right too. They didn't just go along with patching up a string of greatest hits and fill two hours of lights either.

They started out playing the whole Dark Side of the Moon album from the beginning montage to the closing heartbeats. It's not until you witness this album being performed that you realize how much of a complete album Dark Side is. Like The Wall, Dark Side has it's cast of characters (musicians though). There's the typical band set: 2 guitarists, a bass player, drums, and a singer. Then there's the backup female musicians (by the way, Great Gig in the Sky was excellent!), and the 'club tie' wearing saxophonist.
For a cover band, they are definitely worth the price of admission.

So, I'm outside of the Orpheum and just hangin' out with my buds when I get caught up in a conversation with these 'Floyd rubes'. I'm talking about Roger Waters and Nick Mason's new book when I suddenly realized that I was shooting my Pink Floyd wad of knowledge. (Damn typing that last sentence makes me want to puke). It's hard to find genuine Pink Floyd fans. I'm talking about the fans that are not druggies, but people that purely like the music. There are so many people that just don't understand the Floyd saying how much of a drugged up band they are. That's a god damn myth started by the ignorant. If you want some f*cked up drugged out bands, look no further than Fleetwood Mac. Yeah they didn't have any hard rock power cock rock or anything, but anytime you have (more or less) two married couple getting divorces WHILE recording Rumours, it's about as f'd up as it gets. Oh and there were numerous amounts of cocaine around the Mac too. Just look at Mick Fleetwood, the dude ranks up there with Moon and Bonham!

It's hard enough to find Pink Floyd fans let alone fans of; Cowboy Junkies, Pearl Jam, Sarah Mclachlan, and Bryan Adams (pause: for all the 'pointing and laughing')

Might I add, fuck you for that pointing and laughing

Picks

Last week, let me tell you about last week…
I went… hmmm oh about 10-3 last week. I know, I know. I probably made all three of you millionaires, but it's just me contributing to charity

Overall I'm 76-64 (WAY over .500)

Denver @ New Orleans
Did ya catch last weeks picks? I would rip the winning team a 'new one'. It seemed to work, but I'm way too tired to start bitching. Denver has to play in a dome, therefore Denver will suck it up. Reuban Droughns will end up breaking his shoulder bone. I've relegated to predicting injuries now.
New Orleans 31 Denver 20

San Francisco @ Tampa Bay
Do I really have to predict this one? I'm going to roll the dice for this one.

Four

I mean,
Bucs 24 49ers 21

Arizona @ Carolina
Like I said last week, I'm really on the Cardinals bandwagon. Could it be that Denny Green knocks the Vikings out of the playoffs this year? Based on some of Tice's moves, it's almost a guarantee!
Cards 27 Panthers 17

Tennessee @ Jacksonville
Man, Steve McNair always seems to be injured. This guy was one yard short of becoming the next Micheal Vick. Or wait, that doesn't make any sence. Michael Vick is living the life of a potential Steve McNair (if he had completed another yard in that one superbowl that Jesus helped Kurt Warner and his wife get. uh… and also if he wasn't so injured all the damn time)
Jaguars 20 Titans 6

Dallas @ Baltimore
Vinny is really damn old. The bid tuna, and isn't that one of the worst nicknames ever, will probably lose another one this week.
Ravens 25 Cowboys 10

St. Louis @ Buffalo
Mike Martz was offered the Miami job? And he didn't take it? Mike, if you are offered a job, take it!
Bills 13 Rams 10

Indianapolis @ Chicago
Since Marvin Harrison laid a freakin' egg for me last week, he better god damn well get at least a 100yd 2 touchdown game this week. If not, and Stokley gets all the receptions, I'm calling Dungy a damn racist

Colts 41 Bears 17

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Tommy Maddox is the most screwed athlete I can think of. Dan Reeves was going to bench Elway instead of Maddox back in the day. So finally he has a good year and is deemed the starting quarterback. Well he suffers an injury and in comes Rothlesberger. What next Tommy? Backup for Peyton Manning?
Steelers 21 Bengals 20

NY Jets @ Cleveland
Jets are overrated. Cleveland has had a tough schedule to deal with. Whoever wins this game is for real. Whatever that means
Browns 20 Jets 10

San Diego @ Oakland
Pfff Oakland… BWAHAHAHAHAH
Chargers 17 Raiders 13

Miami @ Seattle
Martz didn't take the Miami job? Nevermind the whole 'changing jobs in mid season' deal, but damn the weather is nice. Ah well, it's not like he had anything for players in Miami anyway.
Seahawks 37 Miami 21

Awww hell, I'm too tired!

Atlanta wins
Philly wins again
Houston wins (based on spite)
Then the chiefs sqeak one out for my big upset of the week

Vikings beat the hell outta the Lions too.

Next week I will have a crap list, a intelligent discussion about spite, more babe ranking, and football picks

Good weekends all around

Thursday, November 18, 2004

the illustrious 'four pack'

(She had her drink in her hand, She had her toes in the sand and whoa! Ha, haWhat a beautiful girl, ah yeah)

Ah yes, the babe entry.

Before I start, I want to avoid stupid emails that say something like,
“Hey man, that’s BS, because it’s totally subjective”.

Well DUH!

It couldn’t be more subjective unless I named my blog that, which I did.

And then there’s the whole ‘degrading’ part and that’s not my intent to degrade these women. In fact, if one of these women gave a small part of a damn, I would be very honored! I’m kinda sure that these women don’t need my assurance anyway to make them feel any better or worse. This coming from a guy that entered an ‘air-guitar/lype syncing’ contest at First Ave. (yes the same stage where purple rain was filmed).

I am also trying to organize these honeys so I don’t scramble any brains. They will be organized by what they do… like movies, music, shows, commercials, supermodels, and Tom’s hall of fame.

These are the people that are usually regarded as ‘beautiful people’. I, serving as the polar opposite of those ravers, have to then ‘tell it like it is’ just to pull the world back to it’s already wobbly axis. There is no need to wobble it even more.

Therefore, in a sense you could say that I am saving the world with this, here, entry.



They will also be graded on a bunch of different scales

Scales
-Theres the 1-10 scale 1 being (all-out ugly, overrated, got pulverized with the ‘ugly stick’ or all of the above, but still ‘do-able’ in the sence that if I was on a desert Island without any resourses and nothing more than a coping saw and that woman, I would probably go and take Ms. Overrated for a spin (if possible)before I saw off my appendages.) This 1-10 scale is only used for these ‘celebrity’ people, not everyday people that walk the street. Then the scale would be changed a bit.


-Pretty: just all out a good-looking woman
-Beautiful: Someone that just looks good without makeup. An all American hottie
-Hot: usually referring to porn stars. Probably someone ya wouldn’t be able to have a conversation with.
-Cute: this is someone who really doesn’t apply to one of the above. Very much attractive, but doesn’t have a good ass, or something.

As a rule of thumb, I really go for dark hair, dark eyes.
Dark hair and light eyes is just weird, the honey looks like Satan or something.

Light hair and light eyes is just too typical.
But that’s all generalizations anyway.


Lets start out with


music

Britney Spears
Eh, I don’t know. Her latest video ‘My Prerogative’ isn’t anything worth dreaming about. In fact I think the Britney stock is really starting to plunge if it didn’t already. Maybe it’s because her schoolgirl heyday is over and now she’s just awful. She’s not a 1 and she’s nowhere near a 10, but I think she’s worth (at this time) a 5 at best. I’m just getting sick of her

Christina Aguilera
When she first busted in the scene I thought she would’ve been Rick Aguilera’s daughter, but a closer just cannot help conceive a ho-bag like this. A Twins closer no less. Conan O’Brien himself even called her a ho. There’s a point where ya gotta stop trying so hard Xtina, I mean Britney’s got you beat in a category ya’ll shouldn’t be proud about.
She’s a 4.

Madonna
Madonna is clearly a wildcard. She’s someone that actually changes her look every other month. She’s blond or brunette and ya can’t really guess sometimes. There was a time she would’ve reached a 8, but now she’s a 5-6 because she’s into the MILF stage.

Avril Lavigne
I don’t know what the hell people are talking about with this one. Granted she does have her own look, but she looks like a teenager going through a phase. She’s not someone I’d turn my head for, and I’ve turned my head for tree trunks before.
Avril gets a 1.

Sheryl Crow
Crow is interesting and I know I may not hold the majority on this one. When she first busted out in the scene, she was cute and coming very close to the pretty category (with her white-ass teeth). She was an all American country girl at that point. All her videos are pretty rock solid especially the underrated video of “A Change (will Do You Good)”, but I think Ellen kinda shut down that video.
Then she came out with “Soak Up the Sun” and everyone was a gas.
“Oh how can a 40 year old look like that? Damn, she’s smoking!” and so on. In my opinion, she had an tripped over a rake and landed on the ugly stick in that video.

Since then she has bounced back and now she is up to where she used to be. By the way, that picture of her looks nothing like her.
8
Country singers
Now the genre of country is where all the great looking women are. This is the only reason why I watch GAC.

Faith Hill
Yeah, she’s a good-looking gal for being blond. I’d put her in the cute, and beautiful category. Yeah, Tim McGraw is a bastard like his dad.
8.5

Shania Twain
Earlier in her career, when they were just starting out with the ‘pop-country’ she was an absolute 10. Unfortunately she kinda falls under the ‘She looks great from far away syndrome’ that some women fall under. Not that I know, I just have a hunch. I mean, she’s a country artist from Canada. She married the producer of Def Leppard and Bryan Adams and the guy’s name is Mutt. Think about it.
She’s still pretty hot though.
8

Gretchen Wilson
This is the newcomer to the world of country. Her videos feature her running around yakkin’ about redneck stuff. I’m sure to a particular demographic, she’s as hot as it gets. Unfortunately being the Minnesotan (northerner)I am, she’s really not that great to look at. In fact her face looks like someone F’d up somewhere. However, she’s still hotter than most pop singers. She just suffers from being in a genre of great looking musicians.
5

Sara Evans
This may be the most controversial entry today. Sara is (in my mind) as smokin’ as it gets. She’s got the smile, she’s got the voice, she’s got the face, and her videos are great! My buddies don’t agree saying that she’s ‘sub par’ and ‘alright’ looking.
Sara Evans is the reason why I would even have a ‘country’ category like this one. Have you seen her ‘born to fly video’? Oh man, you’ll never leave the house.
10: pretty, cute, beautiful, AND hot.

TV
Sex and the City
I think I may have watched one episode of this boring show during a boring night. The difference between this show and Desperate Housewives is that there are more good-looking women in DH. Sex in the City only has one great looking woman and that's it. Let’s examine.

Sarah Jessica Parker
BLEWAHHH I just spit out my pop. Parker is simply not anywhere near the vicinity of good looking. I don’t know what the fuss is all about, she just doesn’t have it. I do wish that she and Adrian Brody could hook up because I would like to see if they could actually kiss like normal people with their proboscis..es as big as they are. Their mouths would probably still be an inch apart and their noses touching each other’s cheek
1.5 maybe

Kim Cattrall
She’s a poor man’s Shannon Tweed. She’s not AS bad as Parker, but not much better either.
2
Cynthia Nixon
I’m still not seeing these attractive women yet.
2

Kristin Davis
Ah here we go. Hands down, mountain above plains, spank my ass and call me Tom- the best thing that went for Sex and the City. Davis is the prototype of great looking women. She’s got the face, the rump, and the smile. She’s got it all baby!
Remember her on that Nextel commercial? She’s the best idea Nextel ever came up with.
9.5 Cute, beautiful, pretty, touching the threshold of ‘hot’.

Desperate Housewives
Now this show, this show is something I can watch. I don’t know what the hell these beotches are talking about, but I don’t care because there are a high proportion of good-looking women here.

Teri Hatcher
Can anyone honestly say they watched ‘The Adventures of Superman’ for Dean Cain? I can! Well actually, I can’t. I’m not a Superman fan, but Hatcher is a different story. Although, the numerous Radio Shack commercials she used to star in across from Howie Long caused her stock to plummet, Housewives has definitely more than made up for that crap.
9

Nicolette Sheridan
I know how to answer this.
(last Monday night with my hypothetical 4 year old)
TV: Screw football lets get it on Terrell… or whatever that skit was with Terrell Owens
Lil’ Billy Berg: Daddy, what was that and what did that mean?
Berg: I don’t know, and I don’t care. Remember Billy, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.
~~~~~~~~~
I really don’t know what the controversy’s about.
3.5

Marcia Cross
Eh, she’s no Teri Hatcher, but she’s no Sarah Jessica Parker either. Nothing really to say here other than she holds her own in the show
5

Eva Longoria
Just when you thought that Teri Hatcher would hands down be the heart stopper of the show, then comes Eva Longoria. OH MAN!!! She is the Joe Mauer of Desperate Housewives. There’s the leader, Hunter/Radke (that’s Hatcher) then there’s the role players; Punto, Blanco, Ford, and Rincon (which is Cross). Eva is just SOOO hot. If Eva and Teri were not on this show, I wouldn’t watch. Honestly
10 Hot, cute, beautiful AND pretty (the four pack)

Friends
The ONLY reason why anyone would watch this is because of the women. Alright every once in awhile they’d crack up a joke or two but the women owned the show.

Courtney Cox
She’s pretty it’s just that she seems to be like 50. Maybe it’s because she’s Alex P. Keaton’s girlfriend in Family Ties or that she starred in that Bruce Springsteen video (Dancin’ in the Dark). Those were both 80’s shows and her character in friends wasn’t that different. However; it still makes me mad that someone like David Arquette would be able to court her. The guy’s a dork. Then again, I’m a dork, so there’s hope!
6

Lisa Kudrow
She’s a total make up dependant woman from what I can see. She’s almost forty, and if you look close enough, you can tell. She’s got an annoying voice too. She doesn’t reach the depths of SJP though. Not many people do.
4

Jennifer Aniston
Rock solid. There was a time when Aniston OWNED friends. There was a time where I was pissed that some dumbass like Ross would be with someone like Rachel. It’s easy for me to say that if Aniston wasn’t on this show, It wouldn’t have lasted close to as long as it did. The question remains though, which was better; early season Rachel or later season Rachel? That’s a REALLY tough question. I would have to go with early-mid season Rachel.
10 (anyone that stirs a debate like that HAS to be a ten

Damn this is getting way too long
I still have movies and commercials to deal with. I’m going to have to deal with this next week.


football picks tomorrow

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

The ugly stick

(I’ll be the sun, shinin’ on you, Hey Cinderella, step in to your shoe, I’ll be your non stop lover-get it while you can, your non stop miracle, I’m your man)

dun dun-GET OUT OF MY DREAMS…..and into my car.

God bless you Billy Ocean!

I would like to apologize to all the butt-lovers out there. I didn’t click on the ‘comments’ box. So ah, your voice was NOT heard.

I want to remind everyone to check out my ‘babes’ entry that will be available complete with links, tomorrow. I will rate a bunch of popular women….because….uh It’s my blog and I’ll talk about women all I want.

Anyway I got into the conversation today about the phenomena of ‘camping goggles’.

If there are any women that want to increase their ‘stock’, go camping with a bunch of guys. And I’m not talking about the ‘camping’ where ya rent a cabin and drink all night. Like they do in Sodak.
Maybe to most suburbanites that’s camping, but it certainly is not!

I’m talking about backpacking trips or tenting outings where it’s you, a bunch of other people, and the woods. You are miles away from civilization and the mean old bad bears are out and about ready to eat you. By the way, according to an episode of G.I. Joe, Lady Jaye says that ‘Human’s taste terrible’. Like she would know. Tell that to the Donner party.

I remember that line from this episode where these dinosaurs came around and G.I.s were afraid they’d be eaten. Apparently, Lady Jaye has had her share of humans.

Whatever.

There’s something about being in the middle of nowhere that makes and average woman advance three notches and become very attractive. Therefore, an attractive woman turns into a complete ‘yeah baby’ and so on. It may be the hunter mentality coming alive or the fact that THIS or these women are the only women in 50 miles. I’ve seen many couples kick start a relationship from a simple, but beautiful backpacking trip.

So yeah,

On the other hand, if there are any women (or anyone for that matter) that want to decrease their stock and dignity, dress like everyone else your age.

I saw this show on MTV it was a sorority soap opera stupid-ass show. They had a room of like 18 women who were all darker looking blonds, same dark clothing, and all holding the same stupid purse.

Now me being me, I’m thinking there’s some sort of cloning that’s happening at an exponential rate. 1-2-4-8-16-32 and pretty soon we have all these dark blond Britney wannabees that cant think without calling someone. Asian lady beetles will no longer be as much of a problem as much as these wannabees.

It was like seven years ago when everyone tried to look like Jennifer Aniston with that hair she had. People, ya can’t just look like Jennifer Aniston, it takes a certain genetic lottery and a lot of money.

Then just a couple years ago, everyone was trying to look like Britney. The cover of the Faith Hill cd looks just like Britney and it isn’t even funny.

I guess it’s best that everyone look like Britney or Jennifer than someone who REALLY got hit with the ugly stick.

Until tomorrow

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Tom Talks All About Ass

(my anaconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns hon, you could do side bends or sit-ups but please don’t lose that butt)

I couldn’t agree more.

For a primer to my ‘babes’ entry (coming this Thursday) I will send my love to the butt.

I’m one of the few white males that enjoy this wonderful body part. It’s the reason why I will suffer from neck spasms in the future.

Its ranks like this for the female,

1. butt
2. hips
3. mid range (belly button and the sort)
4. boobs
5. thighs

…which is probably in the minority, but like gay people, I was born with my love for the butt I can’t choose.

I just can’t help it!

Boobs are alright, but I found out that boobs are a lot like dogs with tumors.

Tom’s second anecdote of the week

One day at the St. Paul Yacht Club, a boat came in to the good ole gas dock for a fuel up. They had this dog featuring this big bulge coming out of its neck.

I went to pet the dog when I went,

“Ewwww what’s that thing?” in the most manly way I can think of.
“It’s just a tumor. It’s ok it doesn’t hurt the dog at all” Just like Arnold would say.

So instead of petting the dog, I’m just holding this big ass tumor—like a boob.

It felt just like a funbag except that it was really hairy, but it was about the same size as a boob. Actually it was an above average boob, probably a mid-range C-cup.

I was fascinated with this dog’s tumor however; I had a job to do. So as I put the tumor down, I went about my business gassing up the boat.

Just another day at the Yacht club.

I think ever since that fateful day, I’ve been more of an ‘ass man’. There’s nothing like a nice, big, round rump that is just asking to be slapped. Not that I slap every nice ass, but it stirs up the imagination.

There is however; such a thing as too much ass. This is when it’s blatently obvious where the woman is stuffing charmin in their pants, when the ass doesn’t have that patented shape like it should.

Us ‘ass men’ know when we see a ‘bunk ass’ and it really isn’t appreciated.

Now you may be asking about my view on J-lo.

J-lo’s ass is about as big as it gets before it’s just too big. She reaches the upper threshold of butt continuing to push the ass-envelope.

I remember seeing Selena in high school Spanish class and when I saw that ass, muy bien! I almost gave her a standing ovation in class, but that isn’t tolerated in third year Spanish class. At that point I almost became a Selena fan… until I realized it was Jennifer Lopez and then I became a J-lo fan…AS AN ACTRESS, AS AN ACTRESS. I cannot stress that enough.

Then there’s something like Mariah Carey wearing short-shorts, where the ass is just spilling out all over the place. Ya got the ricotta cheese thing going nuts and it’s just something you could wipe the floor with. This is indeed muy mal. When one looks like they can take a dump and NOT take off their pants, that’s not a good thing.

I think it may be genetic too. My dad (like me) cannot hide the fact that he’s oogling (the term for woman watching) everyone in a 50’ radius.

If a woman walks by, I’m going to bend over backwards hoping that she does the same…ah only frontwards.

You boob men may have something to play with, but us ass men are the real renaissance men of women’s beauty.

ALL ASSMEN COME AND WRITE A COMMENT BELOW AND UNITE!!!

Sunday, November 14, 2004

The VW Beetle, Pros/Cons

(I’ve been wondering if all the things I’ve seen were ever real, were ever really happening)

As Roger Water’s says,

‘Give ‘em enough rope and they’ll f&ck it up’

Damn, the Vikes almost had that. Just a fumble recovery away from taking the game. Unfortunately, every Viking fan knows that if the game is tied, in the fourth quarter, and the opposition has the ball with >30sec, the game is pretty much over.

Hoping the Vikings to shut down anyone at that point is about as worthless as advice coming from Ron Artest.

Anywho, I would like to introduce you to another fellow blogger, my ex-roommate that has his own ejournal.
Irrelevant thought processes’ is what he calls his site.
My old roommate refers to himself as H and come take part in his wacky adventures as he debates bongin’ a three story beer bong, the quest for a hizzy, and all the PCP one could ask for!

(actually I made up the PCP bit. I just wanted H to say,
“WHAT?!”)

It’s kinda like this site here, but only way different because his site is actually an ‘inner thoughts’ diary where as this is ‘random thoughts, enter-my-circus-which-is-my-mind’ thingy blog.

Tom’s anecdote of the week

Whenever I think of H, I always remember that one night his inner clock was running on Greenwich time (about 6 hours ahead).

I came home from work at 12:30am and I was getting ready for bed. After fumbling around my room for a while, I really had to take a wazzer (or whiz, pee, piss, wazzercize, drain the lizard, potty break, drain-the-unused-nutrients…ya know) but someone was already in the bathroom. No biggie, I can wait, but it sounds like someone’s taking a shower? Again, when someone’s in the bathroom---
As a rule of thumb, don’t ask questions.

So out comes H in a towel. I open my door when H looked at the clock and did a
“ARRGGGHHH” number.

“Did you just take a shower?” I asked
“F&CK YEAH! SHHEEESH!”

I’ve heard of people accidentally waking up an hour early, but six hours?

Ha ha, H only got about two hours of sleep!

(sigh) good times, good times

Crap list

1. Me, for spitting on my car
So it’s late at work, I get out of my car and I have this monster loogie building up. As I step out and spit this loogie of biblical proportions, this northern wind comes along and takes the loogie and slaps it against my driver’s side window.
Like H, I went,
“ARRRRGHHHH”.
So now every time I’m driving, I see the remnants of this monster loogie whenever I need to make a turn.
Stoopid, stooped, stoupid

2. The Indianapolis Colts offense
Manning throws for five touchdowns; two to that bastard Stokley, two to that bitch Clark, and one to that asshole Wayne. The Colts scored 49 points and Harrison, the leading receiver on that juggernaut of an offense, 2 catches for 22 yards.

(blink: blink)

WHAT THE SH*T? Man, they seriously need to fire Dungy and put me in there. I would be a great head coach
~~~When I grow up, I’m going to be head coach of the Indianapolis Colts~~~

(Tom as head coach in a QB, head coach sideline conference)
Tom: OK Manning, you are going to throw the ball every time to Harrison.
Manning: Yeah ok Coach Berg, but if I fake it to Harrison and make a draw play to James, the Vikings will never catch it and we’ll win!

Tom: Manning, do you want to be benched? Get your priorities straight, fantasy football first, winning second!

[and Manning goes on to throw three touchdowns, 10 interceptions and 189 yards, all to Harrison. Colts lose 28-21, but Tom’s still happy]

If only I were coach.

3. The stupid geek squad from Best Buy
The other day I saw this stupid Volkswagen Beetle decorated in the Best Buy Geek Squad posted everywhere on the ugly vehicle.

I mean really, we all know you are a huge important computer nerd; you don’t need to drive the stupid car around like a badge of honor. It’s not like I drive a 3m certified ‘Designated Rep’ car around!

I was actually thinking about buying a Beetle for a split second. It’s got some good features; great gas milege, small, but not too small, and all out economical.

The thing is…

IT’S A F&CKIN’ BEETLE! Anything that comes with a vase is not something I want to drive. I mean I listen Sarah Mclachlan, I’m all for the environment, I’ve had couz couz (or whatever the hell it is) before, BUT I’M NOT GOING THAT FAR!

However; if it didn’t have a vase…

The nerd couldn’t have been on duty either, he had some honey in the passenger seat, and he wasn’t wearing the usual nerdy Best Buy attire.

It’s pretty obvious what she sees in him, someone who knows how to install a badass firewall on her comp, and someone who knows what the hell a firewall is.

4. Arguing with a Packer fan.
So, naturally, after the game there were a couple disagreements between a packer posse and a Viking posse. It (and they all) went like this.

Viking fan: You guys got so damn lucky tonight, if we would’ve gotten one call, you’d be done!
Packer fan: oh yeah right, whine, whine, whine! Typical Viking’s football, give ‘em enough rope and they’ll f&ck it up.
VF: yeah and you did it with a pill poppin’ QB.
PF: yeah well at least he doesn’t fumble twice every game
VF: He didn’t fumble today beotch!
PF: Yeah, well at least we won a Superbowl!

VF:…………Yeah…uh well, shut up! Reeferhead!

Every single argument is always gravitated to that last packer comment!

It’s true, but they don’t…. uh have to rub our faces in it.

5. The damn Mighty Mallards
yeah, it’s official (pretty much) the second President’s cup will go towards the Mighty Mallards.

It came down to who wanted it more.
We just didn’t play our A game this weekend
The Mighty Mallards shocked the world.

Whatever.

Later this week, I will rate a bunch of women on many different scales.
The results may be surprising!

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Presidents Cup II

[CUE: MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL THEME]

{Are ya ready for some football, Monday night party we got Al and John and Michelle here and we’re gonna get the party started. The Deer play the Mighty Mallerds, the crowd is syked, all my rowdy friends are here on Monday night}

Al MICHEALS: Welcome to Hellsville, Wisconsin where the unmighty Mallards host the second annual Presidents Cup against the throttling powerhouse that is, The Deer. First off the story of the year is focused on the lowly defensive struggles the Mighty Mallards face on a weekly basis. They just cannot score enough points to win in any week despite the help of MVP candidate, Daunte Culpepper. Meanwhile, it looked like The Deer were traveling that same path until about a month ago when they played these same Mallards. Since then, The Deer have racked up a four game winning streak behind the likes of Tony Gonzalez and now rehabilitated, Onterrio Smith and have crushed every opponent they’ve played, tallying up two ‘highest point’ totals. John, the question remains, Who are these Deer, and how many are there?

JOHN MADDEN: Yeah, hehe, puh it sure seems like the last couple weeks there have been some big bucks and probably some five legged caribou on The Deer’s roster. At this point it seems like the Mighty Mallards are stuck in a oil soaked pond or something(inaudible mumbling)Eh.. of course I don’t know why I am here today because this…puh this, Al, is hardly a game at all. Here’s a team that should’ve pressed the ‘self destruct’ button on their rocket ship already. In fact, I was fully expecting the Mighty Mallards to forfeit. I’m really looking forward to this bucket of chicken I bought that’s still in my big freakin’ bus.
At this point in the season, the Mighty Mallards should pack up and probably think more towards next season before their quarterback injures his ACL on his buttbone or something like that. Ace is the place for me!

AL: John, what do you think the key is to this, uneven match up tonight?

John: Al, hehe puh this game will probably come down to points. That is, how many points can each team score against each other to win? Eh, specifically I believe it’s going to come down to whoever has the most points, I mean that seems to be the best way to determine the winner. That and I saw The Deer’s Marvin Harrison and Micheal Vick practicing ‘the Tree’ earlier and eh, it looked like they were ready to play. I eh, I don’t know Al, (inaudible mumbling) I’m really hungry for some chicken.

AL: There you have it, we’re just about to get started in tonights clash over the second annual ‘Presidents Cup’

[CG: Helmets colliding]
(boom, boom, boom, boom, BOOO, DUN…DUN… DUN… DUN)




eh, anyway last week for picks I went a bitchin (9-5) despite those ‘upsets’ and overall I’m (66-61) which is better than last week. Ugh

Kansas City @ New Orleans
Gawd, how the hell can one predict this game? The damn Chiefs gave up 34 points, not to the Colts, Vikings, Seahawks, or Rams but the damn Buccaneers. How the hell does that happen? Priest Holmes isn’t going to play, which is good for all the people that DIDN’T have the number one draft pick in their league. Chiefs pull it out though.
Saints 38 Chiefs 28

Baltimore @ NY Jets
Man, that Baltimore defense almost screwed me completely last week. That damn seven-point, 106 yard interception TD was enough to garner some swear words out of me. Isn’t it just stupid to have the Jets play in Giants Stadium in New Jersey? That’s just crazy! I’m thinkin’ NY in this one in a blowout.
Ravens 27 Jets 24

Detroit @ Jacksonville
Jacksonville is good against the run, that’s good because the Lions have a runningback. Uh, just like every other team in the league. In fact every team has just about 4 or 5 runningbacks and maybe another on their practice squad. I’m rambling because I don’t know what to say about this game. Detroit pulls out another victory.
Jaguars 31 Lions 6

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Atlanta has had a two week rest while the Bucs were too busy handing KC their own ass on a platter. This game is going to come down to points, who scores the most….Actually that was my Madden impersonation, I think that Micheal Pittman will score all over Atlanta’s ass, thus handing them their own ass.
Atlanta 31 Bucs 10

Pissburgh @ Cleveland
Man Pissburgh’s been on a roll. Beating New England then Philadelphia in the last two weeks. Cleveland on the other hand has been alright, they totally subzeroed when they played Baltimore last Sunday, but whatever. I’m thinkin’ Cleveland though.
Stellers 27 Browns 13

Seattle @ St. Louis
It’s over, Mark Bulger is a dud. If this guy learned anything from Kurt Warner it was the art of sucking huge ass. They have this media-loving overrated offense that manages to make Mike Martz look like a dillhole. Plus, they still play on that stupid turf crap. I can’t see the Rams winning this.
Rams 28 Seahawks 20

Chicago @ Tennessee
The stuperbowl of sorts. I don’t think anyone on this damn Earth cares about this game. This will probably be on par with any potential bowl game the Gophers end up playing in. Tennessee is the better team though.
Bears 21 Titans 9

Houston @ Indianapolis
The Colts are unstoppable in everything that they do. Running, passing, catching, sucking… they got it all.

--A MOMENT OF SILENCE PLEASE---
for the kitten that was just euthanasiaed here at work. It was a cute kitten. Didn’t even have a chance.
Some bastard decided not to spay his or her damn cat and let the litter roam ‘round here while someone accidentally injures it on the road. Where’s Bob Barker when you need him?

(silence)

uh anyway,
Colts 24 Texans 23

Cincinnati @ Washington
Now that I have brought this entry to a screaming halt, I will go on to say that Washington has a plethora of talent on their roster. With the likes of Laverneous Coles (pronounced Lav-ern-use) and Clinton Portis, this team just will not ever say die.
Bengals 23 Redskins 16

NY Giants @ Arizona
God, I really dislike the Giants. They’re the reason why my record is so bad. They keep on winning the games they shouldn’t and lose the game they should. It’s just not fair man. Kurt Warner will just not go away although it is fun and laughable to watch him ‘play’. It’s like the best reality TV ever.
Cards 27 Giants 21

Carolina @ San Francisco
Ugh, didn’t I already predict this game? Sounds like this should be the Sunday Night Craptacular game. It’s not thankfully
49ers 34 Carolina 16

Buffalo @ New England
Now THIS is what I’m talking about. Finally a Sunday night game that has a decent team. No Miami, Chicago, San Francisco, Washington, or Tennessee. Buffalo may even have a chance at this one? Buffalo seems to be the Mighty Mallards of the NFL. Vinatieri throws for 3 touchdowns…at least
Patriots 17 Bills 14

Philadelphia @ Dallas
This could be a classic meltdown type game for Philadelphia/Terrell Owens. I can just see it, a pass that is directed towards to bottom half of the ‘8’ on his jersey instead of the mid portion. I bet McNabb wont hold back this time either. I wouldn’t have! T.O. was totally asking for it last week! Smack that bitch up.
Philadelphia 21 Dallas 20

Minnesota @ Green Bay
This is it, Packer week. This is half of what the Vikings season is all about and the networks recognize it as well. They’ve put both Viking/Packer games on primetime. This one at 3:15 and the other on a Friday afternoon on Christmas eve day. I don’t’ think the NFL has ever done that before. I’m never one to pick the Vikings in Lambeau, but they won last year and I got that special feeling again this year. I will proceed to wear my sweatshirt (that has the Viking dude pissing on the Packer state of Wisconsin) and watch the Vikings win a classic.
Vikings 28 Packers 27

Yup yup,

Quick bits,
-head on over to Homestarrunner.com and see the new Strongbad email. It features SB falling in love with a wagon full of pancakes. Hilarious!

Next Monday (or Tuesday) I will pimp another blogger/ejournal dude.
Good weekends all around.

The Best Birthday Ever!

(Those times I waited for you seem so long ago, I waited far too much to let you go)

The 2004 round of birthdays are over for the year.

Story time,

Gather 'round everyone
I believe it was the 12th birthday in 1991. The Twins were losing in the most forgetful game of the ’91 World Series, The dude’s kid was in its first trimester, and Nintendo was just getting big.

On top of the wave of Nintendo was me, I was a complete Nintendo freak/nerd. I would dream of just playing all those video games and try and try for endless hours just to see if there was an actual end to Mario Bros.
--Basically I would behold the dream of now, downloading an emulator and playing ANY game I want, including those funky ass Japanese ones.--

That day, I received the best birthday present ever, and it isn’t even close. I saw a petite, tightly wrapped present lain in front of me, I knew it was a game.

For my whole life, I have always received about 15% or what toys/gifts I would ask for. I have never understood or practiced the art of ‘getting what you ask for’ because it’s just too predictable. Not to mention, I BARELY got what I asked for unless it was physical punishment.

Everywhere my friends would be like,
“Well I’m getting a pound puppy for my B-day.”
“How do YOU know?”
“Because I asked for it”.


That was unbelievable to me.

Then again, I did circle just about everything in the Sears catalogue except clothes.

Nah this particular year I asked for one major thing, The Legend of Zelda. The nights before that birthday were restless, headache filled, and SLOW. I forgot all about the Denver Broncos sweat suit that I requested. *I was a pretty big fan of John Elway and those badass orange jerseys…uh and sweatpants.

So I blew out the candles, opened all the stupid clothes, and salivated at this interesting box.
---Try using that as a pickup line--

I opened the gift and…. Oh man!

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA!!!!

I nearly spontaneously combusted. I gently cut opened the shrink-wrap and basked in the aura of this gold plated game.
The site was breathless. I almost felt ashamed of cutting the shrink-wrap.

After I tried on my Broncos sweat suit, which my parents forced me to try on, I placed the game in the console and absorbed the best video game opening (to this day).
The music, the story, the graphics, and the weapons; it all was enough to make me want to drop out of school completely.

I had to wake up at 3am that night just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming this scenario.

Ever since then, birthdays haven’t lived up to that special day. As you get older, the more expensive things you request and the more worthless cards seem.

Talk about a waste of paper, bday cards or any of those stupid hallmark, shoebox-epitaph-cards.

Now we just sing “Happy Bday”, eat our DQ cake, and say “oooohhh a card from Aunt/Uncle ___” a lot.

Ah well, that’s what memories are for.
Shytty picks tomorrow

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Dont mean to brag, but I'm a genious!

(Once apon a time I could lose myself, Once apon a time I could love myself)

Those were the days eh? When I could love myself…

WHAT?!? Oh sorry, I was daydreaming…

I am here today to pimp another fellow blogger, Hannes Chang who runs, The Hannes.

Like me, Hannes is a great football mind. The slice just lost his first fantasy football game of the year and now he’s seeking bloody revenge.

On his site, Hannes topics are a tad bit more intellectual than my site has to offer with his revelation about the Raven’s gangbanger defense and his idea of making a beverage tray for his computer that would have a built-in resevoir to hold any liquid that manages to be spilt.

(clap: clap) BRILLIANT!

With his Brains and my…. Uh sweet ass pen, we can take over Nunavut! If not, the local Hardees will have to do. Actually there really aren’t any Hardees around here—Damn, we lost the battle already. Ah, but the war lives on!


Rewind the tape about 5 weeks ago, I was frustrated, stressed, and pissed off that my players weren’t contributing for the greater good of The Deer.

Like Jim Fassel from 2000, The Deer will make the playoffs in our league.

Pretty bold eh? Yeah I’m pretty sure I’m going to take my Deer into the promise land!

I know I’m being rather cocky about this and that the whole topic of fantasy football is a little pathetic, but I don’t care.

I gotta milk my winning streak for all that it’s worth! I made it well known at the local football-viewing restaurant that Adam Vinatieri threw a touchdown pass.

I mean, how great of a kicker is one that throws a touchdown pass?

A better, easier question is, how F’in brilliant is the ‘coach’ that drafted that kicker?

But I wont take all the credit for The Deer, if it weren’t for the players (that I drafted), I wouldn’t be in this situation.

That, by the way was my best Glen Mason impersonation.


Nah, I’m pretty sure in a couple weeks (not this next one though) I’ll be back to my losing ways.

This week, by the way, I’m playing the oober-loser, Hog, (whom I already annihilated)

Hehehe what a loser.

LOSER!
Until tomorrow

Monday, November 08, 2004

Subzero the Devil Rays

(blue moon, you saw me standing alone, without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own)

I’m really getting sick of sports. I never thought I would ever say something like that, but I really am.

I’m finding that I am just not going to espn.com like I used to and that I really don’t give a damn about what Peter Gammons has to say.

It could be that the NHL is not around. These guys that used to play in the NHL are screwed.

The NHL is the poster child for the reason why each league (except NFL) is struggling.

There are too many damn teams! NHL is a niche sport and nothing more. It’s pretty sad when there are 2 NHL teams in Florida and 1 in Minnesota. Not that Minnesota could support multiple hockey teams, but still.

In the 90’s the NHL, MLB, NBA, and NFL added about 18+ teams combined(I couldn’t keep track of all the NHL teams).
That’s way too damn many!

I am all for contraction in every sport.

The only thing I have against contraction is the term. Lets not pretty it up more than it needs to be. Instead of 'contract' lets just say annihilate, obliterate or subzero.
Just don’t subzero the traditional teams when Tampa Bay is struggeling while only being 6 years old.

That’s another thing, there seems to be no apparent reason why these teams are being added!

Some dumbass in Tampa decided that Tropicana Field would be the most opportunistic place to play baseball in Florida.
Another dumbass decided to bring the NBA back to Charlotte after the first team, 2 years ago, couldn’t even fill the stands. What makes this dumbass think the Bobcats will be any different?

Who thought of the brilliant idea to move Canadian Hockey teams to Arizona and Tennessee?

I don’t know, it seems that we should take out the ‘dumbass’ stamp for another round.

I think I may know why they add teams. I’ll be careful with this.

Tom’s Theory

Current owners receive money from the new expansion team, so it brings in money!

Wow, now there cannot be any reason why anyone would be against it then, right?
Well, look at the Diamondbacks and Devil Rays.
With obliteration trying to dissolve teams like Oakland, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, and Milwaukee; can someone honestly tell me with all that money the owners made off of Tampa and Arizona that it was worth it?

Pittsburgh is one of the all time historic baseball teams of all time! And baseball wanted to annihilate them for Tampa Bay?

WHAT?!?

I don’t know, I can’t get all worked up with this.

I’m already trying to figure out Mike Tice’s moves last night.

What a dumbass coach!

Tomorrow, I promise, I’ll pimp a fellow blogger

White Castle, Bert Blyleven, and gay people.

(When I was just a little boy, standin’ to my daddy’s knee, my papa said ‘son, don’t let the man getcha and do what he done to me’)

Born on the bayou…….born on the BAAAAAYOUUUU


What a crazy weekend.

If you’re ever still up at 1 or 2am and you’re looking for some crazy times, head on over to the local White Castle.

The weirdest crap happens at this place late at night. One time I saw this guy dressed up as a sheriff and he was telling everyone what to do. Thing is, he wasn’t a sheriff and it was nowhere near Halloween.
Then I saw this dude cutting onions over a 6 gallon bucket, and he didn’t even work there! Just crazy!

This last Saturday night/Sunday morning I was a little out of it, my buddies and I just got through with a good night of swearin’ and drinkin’ and we were still hungry. So naturally we headed to White Castle.

One buddy went to the bathroom and another followed him in there only to shove him into a urinal while he was ‘draining’. Like a fireman holding a hose with too much pressure, there was a bit of a shower in good ole’ Whities. Not to mention the noise coming out of the single-stall bathroom.

“OHHHH OWWW DAMN YOU! IT’S EVERYWHERE! YOU *&%^(&&*@#.”
And then they both proceeded to exit the bathroom in a dignified manner.

Crazy, oh but there’s more!!

I’m sitting there waiting for my number. I was a little tipsy, so I didn’t know 100% of what was going on.

In walks this 6’4” dude, reddish blond hair, goatee, jeans and a buttoned up shirt.

My buddy says,
“Guys, don’t move, Bert Blyleven is here!”
And I’ll be god damned if it wasn’t him. I was looking everywhere for Dick Bremer, but he was nowhere.

So the question remains, was Bert Blyleven indeed at the East St. Paul White Castle at 1:40am?

I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!

Anyway, crap list

1. People who still write checks in public
It’s mostly the women I’m talking about. They stand there and wait for the total and THEN proceed to write everything out. I especially hate it when I’m at a fast food joint and some rube pulls out their checkbook. Come on, you’re at Burger King. Can’t you find five bucks in your car? But what’s worse is…

2. Guys that write checks in public
How unmasculine is that? There is a perfectly good reason why we don’t write checks in public. It’s because we have too much trouble trying to write out ‘thirteen and 86/100” or is it thir-teen and 86/100”? I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s why I use the debit card. You keep your dignity, masculinity, and it’s easy. Whenever you see a guy writing out a check just kick him in the balls.

3. How ‘different’ our values are in the US
I apologize, I don’t want this to be too political but WTF? We go out of our way to ban gay people of getting married and then we make it harder for people to buy reasonably priced prescription drugs. Why? Because we can’t trust the drugs from Canada?!
I’m sorry, but gay couples probably wont affect anyone whereas cheaper drugs will only (in my opinion) help people stay healthy. And that’s only a couple.

4. Weddings
I just cannot stand weddings. I hate everything about them including the reception, but that stems from my hatred of mingling. Still, weddings are just like Prom, a woman’s’ deal. Guys don’t care about Prom. They don’t want to dance. They just want what comes after Prom. Same thing for weddings, guys don’t dream about their wedding day. Everything is laid out for the guy by the age of 7. They know what they’re wearing, they know who they’re going to invite, and they know who’s paying for a majority of it-whoever they’re marrying.

5. The Gopher football team
What a sorry sack of shyts these guys are. They didn’t even try when Wisconsin was kicking extra points and field goals! They’ve already lost four games and probably will lose next Saturday. This was the team that had their schedule paved for a rose bowl. This was a team that had not one great runningback but TWO! What’s even worse, this Saturday when the Goophs play Iowa here at the Dome, the Iowa fans will totally outnumber Minny fans by about 7:3. These are also the same Iowa fans that tore down OUR goal posts, which may be the saddest moment in gopher football history let alone college football history.
Yuck!

Until tomorrow when I pimp another fellow blogger.