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Friday, December 31, 2004

Playoffs?

(Holy diver you've been down too long in the midnight sea oh what's becoming of me)

I found out that anther person put a link to the ole’ bergblog…AND DIDN’T TELL ME!!!

The dude's name is Eric and he's from New Jersey. The two times that I have been in New Jersey I have always made the mistake of not knowing exactly where I am.

Tom: Ah New York, The city of sex.

Other person: Ah, we're still in New Jersey, Tom.

Tom: Whatever, it's all 'new' isn't it?

(ba domp CHING) God, I'm a loser!

I was actually very excited that he put a link up because…
In the times that I have thumbed through
his blog, I noticed that he takes a lot of pictures, which is great because you don’t have to read crappy grammar (like here) and listen to someone describe the embarrassment of another person having extra large anal beads..(??? Example complete).
Also Eric has some information as to where ‘
Hot Girl Camp’ is located because there is a high proportion of attractive women on his site. Seriously, every entry contains very gorgeous women!

And if that wasn’t enough, he tries to get a good butt pic here and there.

Therefore, I shouldn’t have to encourage you to visit
his site.

And Eric, Two things,
1. Tell me your secrets as to what you know about ‘hot girl camp’
2. If any of those women decides to take a vacation to the Twin Cities…

Beyond all the perverted stuff (from me) the dude’s a Big Lebowski fan as well.

Therefore; A GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!

Picks

This weekend is similar to last year’s week 17 in that the Vikes will should end up going to the playoffs, but I wouldn’t bet on it. They need Carolina or St. Louis to lose or the Vikes need to actually win a game. Knowing that the Vikes have allowed opposing quarterbacks to pass for 330+yds in the last three weeks, they can’t play worth a damn outside on the road, and they’ve lost three of the last four games—I’m not holding my breath for them to clinch it themselves.

The Vikes have already picked up the one-year option on Mike Tice (dammit to hell), so that won’t be lingering in any of the players’ thoughts.

Anywho…
Last week I went (10-6)
For an overall record of (141-95)

NY Jets @ St. Louis
For some reason I’ve been thinking that this game was at New York in which would be the only factor in how I can see the Rams losing and the Vikings making the playoffs. Since this game is in that stupid dome, I honestly think the Rams will win. If the Rams end up winning, the Vikes season will (again) result in a collapse as opposed to what Mike Tice would say.
Rams 28 Jets 17

San Francisco @ New England
Another worthless game because the Patriots have already clinched everything. It’s not like the 49ers have anything to play for either. Sadly enough, I’m sure the Pats second stringers will beat the San Fran varsity
Patriots 17 49ers 3

Cincinnati @ Philadelphia
Did you know that both Pennsylvanian teams are the number one seeded teams? I find that kinda crazy. This is another game where some fans got screwed out of a quality football game.
Bengals 31 Eagles 16

New Orleans @ Carolina
I consider this game to be the game of the week! I would almost rather watch this than (my predicted) Vikings debacle. Both teams have been a bit surprising as of late and it should be entertaining. However, the Vikings need Carolina to lose, which means that Carolina will in fact win.
Panthers 34 Saints 24

Miami @ Baltimore
Baltimore actually has something to play for. Miami, as was referenced from last Sunday nights’ game, is a terrible team with a terrible interim coach.
Ravens 27 Dolphins 3

Cleveland @ Houston
Apparently all Cleveland does now is run. Last Sunday night they gave the ball to Lee Suggs like 40 times, which broke Jim Brown’s old mark! It was one of the most retarded football games I’ve seen because EVERYONE KNEW WHAT THE NEXT BROWNS PLAY WAS GOING TO BE!. Ah lets see…..ah RUN!
Texans 30 Browns 16

Pittsburgh @ Buffalo
If only this game was a couple weeks earlier when something mattered.
Bills 24 Steelers 13

Green Bay @ Chicago
The Packers paid rubes $8 an hour to shovel snow from the benches at Lambeau on Wednesday. People would then say something along the lines of, “It’s for the spirit of the Packers” or something completely stupid like that. Apparently they thing they’re going to some sort of ‘football heaven’ when they die.
Bears 21 Packers 20

Detroit @ Tennessee
The Lions might actually be pretty good next year! In fact, I wouldn’t be all that surprised if they win the North next year.
Lions 28 Titans 21

Atlanta @ Seattle
Man, too bad this game wasn’t a couple weeks ago too! I guess they expect Vick to play, but I wouldn’t think they’d play him too long. Seattle SUCKS THOUGH!!! How does a team like Seattle make the playoffs?
Seahawks 24 Falcons 17

Tampa Bay @ Arizona
Who cares.
Bucs 35 Cards 14

Kansas City @ San Diego
Another ‘screwed out of a quality football game’ game.
Chiefs 35 Chargers 31

Indianapolis @ Denver
I really don’t know what to make of this game. How do the Colts sit any offensive player out when the whole damn offense rocks?
Colts 31 Broncos 27

Jacksonville @ Oakland
Jacksonville was my AFC team this year and if they were in the NFC, they be a 2 seeder sadly enough.
Jags 21 Raiders 14

Dallas @ NY Giants
Why do they even broadcast Giants games anymore?
Dallas 17 Giants 10

Minnesota @ Washington
Lets see, the last outdoor game the Vikings won was… Houston (earlier this year, but lets go farther back) oh the first game of the 2003 season! Damn, this team sucks outdoors and on the road. The past three weeks the Vikings have allowed passing yards like: 365,361 (to Joey friggen Harrington), and 334 all games that didn’t go into overtime. Patrick Ramsey will probably have a career game throwing for about 345 and two (probably three TDs) in another Vikings loss. At the end of the game, FOX will take us to the conclusion of the Saints/Panthers game in where Aaron Brooks will get intercepted on the Panther’s 10 yard line in the closing seconds.

Count on it.
I really am a Vikings fan, but I’ve seen it way too many times!
Redskins 28 Vikes 24

Even if this team does make the playoffs, are they really going to go far?

Have a happy New Year All.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Tom's lowlights of 2004

(I got some money in my pocket, about ready to burn I don't remember where I got it, I gotta get it to you)

HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE IN BLOGVILLE???

This whole damn week has been worse than a Sunday in terms of site ‘hits’. Does EVERYONE have this week off? Am I being blackballed in some way? Am I bitching too much?

It seems that I could write my own script for my new porno movie coming out Summer of ’05 right here on this blog and no one would even know. Actually , I could because after all it is my blog… AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE CRAP I WANT!!!

So today I’m going to tell you all about the low lights of 2004

-The company Christmas party
It’s not that anything bad happened per se during this Christmas party but for some reason I felt compelled to attend this time. And it wouldn't be so bad if I worked with someone my age here at work because I don’t. About 95% of everyone here at work is 40 or older (in other words baby boomers) and it’s really tough to find some common ground with them. It seems that hardcore construction workers have a completely different sense of humor than me.

Actually most everyone has a different sense of humor than me—I think it ‘s funny when people cry!
Anyway, it seems that every wacky idea I may bring up ends up with the crickets chirping—NO REACTION. I mean I would appreciate at least a dirty look or a ‘what the hell are you talking about’ but I would be lucky if I got that.

Instead, after a conversation with a coworker we end up taking a step back and analyzing what was just said.

Tom: God, what the hell is wrong with this guy? Is there a contractor out there that will pull a piece of angle iron out of an ass? That was good stuff I had!

Construction worker Joe: Was he really telling me AIDS jokes? What the hell kind of a sick person jokes about that terrible disease? That and the incoherent ramblings on female asses--what the fuck is wrong with this guy?

-That ‘situation’ in Sodak
As much as I enjoyed staying in Sodak for the summer along with the sweet deal I had with free room and board, the situation was WAY too awkward for me.

I had the opportunity to stay with my old roommates family in Rapid City. I totally took full advantage of that sweet deal.
I essentially felt like a foreign exchange student with dunce cap. I never really had the feeling that the family I was staying with felt completely comfortable with me staying in their basement. In return, I didn’t’ feel comfortable staying in a house where the people didn’t trust me either. Even the simplest routine errands seemed to be awkward.
Such as leaving for…anything.

Do I tell them where I’m going?
But it’s not like they’re my parents, Mr. D isn’t home and Mrs. D is upstairs sleeping…ah fuck it! I’m outta here.

Then the whole dinner thing was weird.
The first week I was over, Mrs. D made dinner for everyone at 5:30pm, so , like a bear, I would naturally come up the stairs everyday at 5:30 and look for food. Sometimes there wasn’t any food there, so I went out. Sometimes food that I really don’t enjoy would be prepared; so then I would run like hell outta the house. And sometimes, someone would be in a terrible mood; so I ran the fuck away.
It was a good situation financially, but was really fucked in every other way.

-Jack, the office fuck-hole
Work was great during the summer--great except for one complete southern asshole in the office. The office next to ours was held by the office manager who’s time is more important than anyone else’s. When we were done out in the field, we would waste the next five minutes chatting away until 3:30pm hit. Someday’s I would talk a little loud and topics that are similar to what I talk about here. Jack steps in the room and says,

Jack: Are you guys done with your day-long break?”
Tom: Oh, I’m sorry, We’ll be more quiet.
Jack: That’s okay, it’s not like I have stuff to do or anything.

That was a little irritating, but not as irritating as the next day. The next day we were all killing the same five minutes quietly when we hear this loud southern (squeal like a pig) laugh and loud conversation next door. Jack is now sounding like a bit of a hypocrite. So the next day I continue talking about…whatever in my normal tone and he comes and bitches at us again.

I really hate…(H..A..T..E) people like this. I don’t know if they are in other fields but in the scientific fields that work outdoors, there are a lot of PHD fucktards who’s shit doesn’t stink. I especially hate the fact that they think they’re godlike if they are the top dog in the field of something stupid like ‘characteristics of soybean field erosion after the effects of a hurricane’

(clap: clap)
OH BRAVO! MOTHER THERESA HAS NOTHING ON YOU!
Fuck Superman, it seems that with you being the god of hurricane erosion on… whatever, you probably should have your own ass wiper too eh?

Let’s see you reverse the rotation of the Earth now, Fucker!

-The car in Sodak
Before the summer, I was hoping and praying that my car would last through the summer without any major problems. Maybe I shouldn’t be making fun of Jesus anymore because that is exactly what didn’t happen.

Every god damn week something would fall off my car. The catalida converter cover, my driver’s side door panel, the breaks fuckin quit, and the tape player stopped. This car was tanking on me! I had to fix it though because I needed something to come back in and to get away from ‘the situation’ back in Rapid.
(Sigh) After another $500 break job, my breaks were now working alright...

UNTIL I GOT HOME FOUR WEEKS LATER AND THE SAME BREAKS WERE CRAP AND THE ALTERNATOR FUCKIN GOES OUT!!!!
Luckily everything was under warrantee.

The ride home was really ghetto in that I didn’t have any source of music (because I threw that stupid tape player away) except for my jambox that I had in my front seat.

-Van Halen in Denver
Like I said yesterday, Denver was way cool. This concert was very disappointing though. It was when I was at this concert that I realized that I outgrew Van Halen and Sammy Hagar’s best days were WAY behind him. After all, the guy is as old as my dad.
I don’t know what it is, but watching 50+ year olds jumping around and talking about pussy doesn’t seem to appeal to me. In fact it’s quite sickening and approaching the threshold of pathetic.

Tickets were…$75 too…. (sigh)

-after six years of living on my own, I am now forced to live with my family
Again, financially, this is a great gig. In terms of dignity, I’m hoping I can last long enough to find a decent town home to move to.

The clock is ticking because it’s not exactly a ‘chick magnet’ living with your parents, in suburbia, in the bottom half of a bunk bed.

Ouch.

Anyway, I am looking forward to this new year.
Tomorrow, I will pimp another fellow blogger and I will have my wild and crazy, x-rated (as Hannes would say) foozeball picks.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Tom's Highlights of 2004

(too many men, too many people, making too many problems, and not much love to go ‘round)

The Year: Highlights (today) and Lowlights (tomorrow)

The year started out like every other: Still attending school at the hippy side of the U of M, working full-time at the triple M, and being a goofball in my spare time.

As far as highlights, there were a couple nice times in 2004.
In no particular order…

-Winning in Poker

Ah Yes, to start out the year, I won my first game of Texas Hold 'em. I scored myself $20 and more importantly, I beat Hog. Too bad that's all I beat him at.

-The Sodak Experience
I was interning with the US Forest Service in The Black Hills National Forest for the summer and it had to be the best summer job ever! Not only was the job of combing the Black Hills for Mountain Pine Beetle infected trees great, but I had the best daily hours one could ask for (7am-3:30pm).

-Those Coloradoans that helped us out.
Throughout the summer I was working with a couple guys. One was what I called Uncle Jessy because he was a ‘good ol boy’ and the other was this wacked out 49-year-old loser from Hutchinson, MN and he kept the day interesting with his thoughts on stupid shit. After about four weeks of doing the same crap and seeing the same two people all the time, everything did get a little old.
Then one day, everything changed.

The boss (who I only saw once) came up from Colorado with his crew to work on some other project. The typical three of us (the dream team) drove to our new working site when we saw this other crew.

Jessy and I were licking our chops because this other crew was plum filled with ‘hotties’. Naturally, the two groups got along great and the next three days, life was grand! Maybe it was a case of ‘camping goggles’ and/or we were really horny bastards, but waking up for work was not a challenge anymore.

These few days were so great that the next week was very painful because we had been exposed to the finer times in life.


-The Denver Experience
In the middle of this internship, I found out that Sammy Hagar and Van Halen were one and the same once again. Therefore, I had to take part in this reunion of sorts because Van Halen hasn’t done anything since they fired Gary Cherone (shudders) about four years ago. Other than the concert, walking around Denver was pretty cool. Great weather, got away from ‘that situation’ in Rapid City, and saw some outdoor baseball.

On top of all that, I ALMOST CAUGHT A HOME RUN BALL!!!!!
Gather ‘round everyone, Tom’s gonna tell a story.

So once again, I was at Coors field on August 1st (ironically, I think I was at Coors field nine years to the day!) anyway I was in the left field seats and it was fuckin hot that day! I was refilling my water bottle constantly throughout the day and those aluminum benches were a total whore on my ass! I couldn’t even work up any swass because the hot bench would just burn it away! As the game went on, there was a total of about seven homeruns hit throughout the day and I had a chance at one.

[Crack] I could see the ball rising high in the air and I couldn’t tell if it was a pop fly or a homerun hit in my direction. As the ball kept rising and Luis Gonzalez kept backing up I knew this ball was heading in my direction. In fact this ball seemed to be heading right at me! As instincts are leading me to this ball, it seems that I am indeed going to at least get a hand on this bad boy. As I’m following this ball coming down, it’s about 80ft from landing in my hand. It turns out that I might have to move about ten feet to my right in order to have a chance at this ball, so I start to shift to my right when,
(thud) the stupid aisle bar separates me and the home run target.

The ball lands and this old dude snatches it up and…GOD DAMN IT!

So the dream of catching a home run ball ended with that damn bar, but it didn’t stop me from being on a Sports Center highlight and watching myself smash into a metal bar about five times.

-The drive home
I was very excited to come home because I was really getting sick of Sodakians and I kinda pissed off the people I was living with. So the freedom of getting out of an awkward situation and coming back home from three months away was a welcoming experience.

-Twolves making the Western Conference Finals
Finally KG and the Wolves got through the first round by beating those fucking beotches known as the Denver Nuggets (man, what a bunch of thugs). Then there was that exciting series with the Sacramento Kings that went into a full seven games. The wolfies then brought the Western Conference Finals to six games, which is respectable.

-Sarah McLachlan concert
A wonderful concert. I waited about six years to see her live and she did not disappoint.

-Graduating
Finally, I’m done with school.
But now what?!??

Tomorrow, indulge with me as I present the low lights to 2004

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Eh, Screw It, New Years is on Saturday

(Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes, I can barely define this shape of this moment in time)

The Christmas tree is still up. The ripped-up wrapping paper is still sitting in the garbage bag and the leftovers from Christmas are still in the fridge.

These are the remnants of Christmas that allow you to slack off for the next four days. Seriously, all the bosses are gone, the work is down to the barest minimum ever, and all you can think about is New Years Day.

For those that still work this week, this has to be the most unproductive week of the year. Here at work all the parking lots are half empty, the work has dwindled because everyone is on vacation, and the ongoing dumb excuse that New Years is Saturday is currently taking place.

I can’t even motivate myself to go to the gym because, ‘Hey, fuck it, New Years is on Saturday’.

Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.

I remember in high school when I had some assignment due at the end of xmas break, I would wait until the midnight hour of the last night to finish it.

Procrastination at its best and New Years Day is the ultimate excuse!

With New Years Day comes some good gambling, football, booze, and food—a deadly combination. For me, I have the usual New Years Party I attend at my good friends house. His whole family is hard-core Italian so the food is quite plentiful complete with my Krispie Kreme doughnuts I’m going to bring.

Then there’s the bowl games and with it, the gambling. There’s poker, the ‘pick the score’ on the bowl games, and the last week of the season in the NFL is the day after.

If there ever was a week one could get away with wallowing in their own fecal matter, this week would be it! Hell, you could sit in a lawn chair next to the mailbox and spread mustard all over your chest and no one would bat an eye.

Well, actually you would be gawked at and people would be wondering what the hell you are doing, but the excuse remains…
“Dude, next Saturday is New Years Day!”

Then the gawking would turn into smiles and nods.

Damn, the laziness is even getting to me in terms of this blog.

Anyway, I plan on critiquing the ‘Meet The Fockers’ movie which I plan on seeing…because of my severe hatred for Ben Stiller.
Then another day I plan on talking about the highlights and lowlights of 2004
Should be fun yo!

Monday, December 27, 2004

The Berg Christmas

(I wont let this build up inside of me, I wont let this build up inside of me)

I must admit, that I didn’t receive an exceptionally stupid gift this year. Actually, I got some pretty decent gifts except for one.

The damn picture frame with the $4 price tag still on it. It wasn’t even worth wrapping. I don’t take many pictures at all and I don’t have any in my temporary room, so I don’t know what the crap I’m going to do with it. Perhaps, when I’m bored at work I’ll throw it against a wall to see what it does.

Maybe it’s not so bad of a gift after all.

Nah, I got some good clothes: a nice lined-denim-buttoned-up shirt, a Gophers fleece, and a Best Buy gift card. The best present was from my bro who bought me these phat Homer slippers. It’s kinda of conflicting in that whenever I wear them, I feel that my manhood has dropped down a notch, and I feel like a goofball. Then again, I do have a decent and long relationship with the Simpson’s, so it might even out. Also, take into account that I am a goofball with or without Homer slippers and then it was probably a great gift.

I ended up purchasing a decent pillow for my mom (it’s cool in that it’s made of sand or something so it really squishes). Then I got my Dad a rube-like NASCAR polo crew chief shirt, which he liked. My Bro got Tony Hawk Underground 2, which he appreciated as well.

Seeing as everyone got clothes and other non-entertaining gifts, the rest of the day was a complete bore. Nothing-on TV, but those dumb basketball games.

Then there was the Vikes game from Friday.

No fuckin comment on that…

Great segue to…

THE CRAP LIST

1. The boredom that always comes with Christmas
I blame this on the stupid tv programmers for having some really stupid shows on. It starts out with the parades. Parades are stupid in real life and they are even more horrible watching them on TV. I once was apart of a small production TV broadcast of a parade in Marshall back when I was a radio/tv major and they are stupid from that angle too. Only the people that enjoy figure skating and wait all day in front of Target for a close parking spot watch parades.
Then the commentators act as if we’re blind by telling us what we already know.

“Oh look and it’s the Marlboro float with the Marlboro man”
“Yes Chuck, it is indeed the Marlboro man and it looks like he’s throwing out free packs of Marlboro cigarettes for the children. That’s so sweet.
“Yes Brunhilda, a lucky kid that receives the golden pack will receive a lifetimes worth of cigarettes”

When I was younger, the only reason why I would go to parades is for the candy. Now that I am older and more mature, I just go to the store the day after Easter and buy all the chocolate bunnies I want for 90% off.
Pfff fuck parades!

2. TV shows on Christmas (boredom part II)
Who were the geniuses at TBS and WGN that decided to show Home Alone at the exact same time? It was at 6pm or something that both channels, back to back, had started this movie at the exact same time. Whats even worse is you have complete and mature fools like me that flip from TBS to WGN, trying to hear the echo of scenes (because WGN was behind by 5 seconds).

Ugh, and then, Jingle All the Way was on continuously all day on FX network. This is a horrible Christmas movie starting all the way with the general dynamics of the movie.

I know when I think a Minnesota Christmas, I think of a bright blue sky with no traces of salt or sand on the streets and cars that look brand new. Nah actually a Minnesota Christmas consists of dead, brown grass, disgusting looking cars, and crotchety people bitching about the weather or Vikings football. I mean it’s pretty obvious that the movie wasn’t filmed in the winter and then there’s Arnold, which is beyond me why the fuck this guy is in the movie. I mean, I know we have our share of minorities here in the Twin Cities ranging from Hmong to people of Mexican decent but a short Austrian dude is a little ridiculous.

Despite this stupid debacle of a Christmas movie, I was still compelled to watch it because there was nothing else on.

3. TV programming on Christmas (boredom part III)
This is actually the day before Christmas, but the announcers and programs that pretty much suck Brett Favre’s dick has got to stop. I woke up on Friday with both TVs tuned onto some stupid Brett Favre documentary explaining how some touchdown was ‘magical’ and ‘godlike’.

You know, Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl! Doug Williams also won one. Brett Favre is a good quarterback but he’s not worth popping 27 boners over. It seems that announcers should have a set of napkins next to them with all the love they express to Favre. Maybe even a j*z moppers would be necessary if the Packers played on Sunday night when Theisman is around.

4. My Dad’s love of action figures that sing and swing their hips.
Two years ago, my Dad got me this little Viking dude that sings and swings it’s hips to the Monday Night Football theme. He thought it was one of the funniest things ever and my family would just never get sick of it. Apparently I didn’t receive that gene that blocks irritation because I was the only one who wanted to run it over with Santa’s sleigh.
This year my Dad bought this midget size Santa that swings it’s hips and sings Jingle Bells. The fuckin thing goes on for about five minutes and it has a motion detector, so every time you walk in front of it, it sings the stupid song.
This midget sized Santa is really scary in that it looks lifelike and the hands look like they’ll strangle you if you’re not paying attention.
Of course my Mom dances everytime Santa busts into song and my Dad just laughs because,
“It’s cute”

For the love of god… Is this how we celebrate Jesus’ birthday; with dancing, annoying, scary Santa’s?

5. Donald Rumsfelt visiting the troops on Christmas Eve.
Maybe I’m the only one annoyed with this, but does he really think that his presence will make the soldiers’ Christmas any better? It almost seems like a slap in the face to the troops,
“Hey guys, guess who gets to go back to their family tomorrow? HA HA!”

It would be like me having to work during a Vikings Super Bowl,

CEO: “Thanks Tom for all your work.”
Tom: “You’re a fuckin dick, you bitch! What the hell is wrong with you?”

I mean I would understand it if that woman from that Olive Garden commercial came there to support the troops or even that slut, Paris Hilton, but Donald Rumsfeld?

6. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra (bonus Crap)
If I hear them one more time…
Til tomorrow

Friday, December 24, 2004

Merry Christmas

Everybody!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Jesus
Happy Birthday to you


Merry Christmas

Great Moments in Gift Wrapping History

(I can hear the buzzards, I can see the crows with one more minute to go)

I started wrapping gifts and one word can only describe the process:

SWEET!

I’m getting better and better at wrapping gifts. This year my prize gift wrapping experience would have to go to my bros gift. Everything is tight and solid! I give myself a good A for that gift. My Dad’s gift desearves a good A- and my Mom’s gift was a little bigger so I screwed up a little for a B-.

As good as this years wrapping experience was, it pales in comparison to last years monumental achievement in wrapping

GREAT MOMENTS IN GIFT WRAPPING

It was a week before Christmas when I had to start wrapping my family's presents. I got a couple CD’s for my Mom and Dad and a video game for my Brother. I was worried about completely fucking up the job like I did to my cousin one time…

Anecdote within an anecdote
When I was 12 I had to buy my little cousin a gift for our annual ‘Iowa get-together’. I can’t remember what I got, but I spent a good hour in a half trying to figure out how the hell to wrap that fucker up. Finally after many attempts and the frustration clogging my brain, I just crumpled up a bunch of paper and slapped a bunch of tape on it. It basically was the equivalent of a crumpled lump of wrapping paper with tape half on.

My Aunt didn’t like it at all.

Anyway, last year I used the City Pages instead of traditional wrapping paper because I was going through some sort of rebellious phase. It was a great idea because the Citypages are the perfect size of paper for wrapping a CD or Playstation 2 game.
So I took about five minutes and brainstormed how I was going to accomplish my goal of having respectable looking presents. I thought and thought (the T-wolves were playing too). Finally I was up for the challenge.

[CUE: Apollo 13 THEME]
It was beautiful. Everything went right. I never even had to unstick any tape anywhere. I even went so creative as to pick out good-looking advertisements and use them as a ‘gift billboard’. I was even thinking of calling Budweiser and asking for advertisement money for the gesture. When everything was all said and done: the edges were tight, the tape was hardly noticeable, one would feel guilty of opening such gifts.
It was beautiful. So beautiful that I was showing my roommates the job I just performed.

Tom: Check it out! Merry Christmas
Andrea: Oh sweet! Is this for me?
Tom: No, but isn’t that a sweet wrapping job!
Andrea: oh, yeah it’s nice. Pfff

Even H gave me props by saying it was a sweet wrapping job!

Slowly but surly I will figure out all the different little traits that women posess. I already got the wrapping down and next will be gardening.

Because, have you ever seen a woman who can’t wrap a gift?

Picks.

Last week I went (11-5)
Overall I’m 131-89
Just think, week 10 (six weeks ago) I was at .500! (65-28) since!!! Hell yeah!

Oakland @ Kansas City
One of the Christmas games, but it doesn’t matter.
Chiefs 35 Raiders 31

Denver @ Tennessee
Hey, lets watch Jake Plummer screw it up. Who is a worst QB Plummer or Brooks? Imagine watching a Denver/New Orleans game. Yuck
Broncos 24 Titans 20

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
Steelers all the way
Steelers 20 Ravens 10

San Diego @ Indianapolis
Lee Suggs ran for a 100 yards last week against the Chargers. I can’t believe the Indy fans wanted Peyton to throw for a touchdown last week with :30 to go. I mean I know he’s breaking Marino’s TD mark but he doesn’t have to act like him. And how jipped does ESPN feel that he didn’t break the record on Sunday Night. HAHA
Colts 31 Chargers 17

Chicago @ Detroit
The lions are pissed and Chicago couldn’t give a damn. It would be fun if this game was outside in the subzero weather
Lions 35 Bears 3

Atlanta @ New Orleans
You know, they might as well just give this game to the Saints. Atlanta has nothing to play for. This game is about as good as the third game of the preseason.
Saints 21 Falcons 16

Carolina @ Tampa Bay
This should be swell
Panthers 30 Bucs 28

Houston @ Jacksonville
How bout those Jags beating the pack! Man, that’s good for another win if I’ve ever seen one.
Jags 28 Texans 20

NY Giants @ Cincinnati
Congrats Giants, way to screw up your season. Not that Warner was your savior or anything (the guy does seem to be a Jesus wannabee), but at least you guys were winning with him at the helm. Just stupid
Bengals 25 Giants 17

New England @ NY Jets
If the Patriots would of just have beaten a team that was dreadfully terrible earlier this season, they could be sitting pretty with the two spot in the AFC. Now San Diego and Indy have something to play for. Good Lord the AFC playoffs are going to be good!
Jets 24 Patriots 20

Buffalo @ San Francisco
I don’t fucking care
Buffalo 42 49ers 14

Arizona @ Seattle
The god damn cardinals still have an outside chance of winning the division! Oh…MY….GOD!!!!
Cards 28 Seahawks 21

Washington @ Dallas
Ugly!!!!
Redskins 17 Cowboys 13

Cleveland @ Miami
Why do they even play these games?
Dolphins 42 Browns 24

Philadelphia @ St. Louis
The Eagles may be screwed now. In fact Owens opened up their running game and with Pinkston being a damn pussy out in the field, the eagles are no better than the Falcons, but with a worse running game.
Eagles 24 Rams 6

AND FINALLY….

Green Bay @ Minnesota
The game of all games. For all the fuckin marbles. For the whole can of worms. This is it. I’m pretty sure this game will end up being a shootout and if you have Moss on your team, PLAY HIM. This is the kind of game he’ll have like four touchdowns and 150 yards. I can’t see the either team letting up either. God, I hope I’m right
Vikes 38 Packers 31

Til Monday…


Thursday, December 23, 2004

Packers vs Vikings

(And it’s too damn pretty for a man who doesn’t want to die with two more minutes to go)

This game on Friday is about as big as they get. Not only did the NFL decide to feature this rivalry on a Friday afternoon before Christmas, but they also have these two teams fighting over the division!

I'm so pumped I feel like vomiting, running out in this subzero weather in the nude, or ripping out my jugular and writing my name in whatever snow we have. Jus kidding, I'm actually waiting for my wedding day to rip out my jugular.


The historic record between these two teams is currently 43-42-1 with the Packers taking the edge from a couple weeks ago in that awful game that went down to the last possession

This whole week has been considered ‘Packer week’ here in the Twin Cities instead of the normal ‘final stretch’ of the Christmas holiday. This whole week is filled with the traditional letters from my Packer loving relatives to my Dad getting phone calls from his buddies to me cocking off to any Packer fan I know.

Even to complete strangers, it’s hard not to talk about this game coming up on Friday. This woman that stops in at work to Scotchguard the carpets is from Wisco and we were just talking smack to each other.

Traditionally, I’ll just slip on my purple sweatshirt that depicts this Viking dude urinating on the state of Wisconsin instead of my normal Vikings jersey.

What is interesting is that stat that someone told me.
‘Domestic abuse rises 40% in Wisconsin after a Packer loss.’ Can you imagine the entire whoopin going on during Christmas Eve day if the Packers end up losing? Seriously though, no matter who wins, there will end up being a bunch of Christmases ruined because their team lost.

Which is completely hilarious! Drunken uncle Jimmy will be drinking his ass off because the Pack/Vikings lost and he’s going to take it out on his whole family.
This will be the worst Christmas ever for some families.

But the fact remains that I still think the Vikings have a horrible defense and play calling to bout. I still think Mike Tice is a colossal idiot and even if the Vikings make the playoffs, It would be hard for me to imagine that they could beat any team even if they are playing at home. We just gave up 360 yards to a sick Joey Harrington! We lost to the Seahawks at home! We have four talented runningbacks who we can never seem to give 20 carries to.

It would be almost better if you could put those four names in a hat and whatever name you draw, that’s the fuckin runningback!

The Packers aren’t that much better either. They’re the ones who lost to a Florida team in Lambeau! Not to mention: Chicago, Tennessee, and the Giants! This is almost a stuperbowl of sorts because both of these teams are just lucky to be playing in the NFC. The NFC is a lot like the Eastern Conference in basketball, not that I have watched any of that lately.

Regardless, this is the first huge game since… 41-0 in the Meadowlands? I honestly can’t remember the last huge game the Vikings have been a part of. And that Cardinals game last year doesn’t count.
Go Vikes!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

God or Football?

(And I can see the mountains, I can see the sky with three more minutes to go)

The friction started sometime last week when I told my mom,

“Hey Mom, just FYI ahead of time, so you don’t get really mad. The Vikes are playing the Packers at 2pm on Christmas Eve, so I doubt I’ll be able to go to church. That and the whole ‘I-don’t-want-to-be-Catholic-anymore’ thing.“
“Oh no. You’re going to church buddy! I don’t care who’s playing” my Mom fired back.

This is what we go through every year. It was easy when I didn’t live at home and I could just hang out at the hizzy and not answer the phone, but this year will be a bit difficult.

It’s probably not a big deal across the country, but here in the Midwest, it’s getting a little pesky to plan around. That is, Mass and football.

It’s reminds me of that Simpson’s episode where Homer decides to stay home from church to watch football and ends up having the best day of his life. Families everywhere will have to deal with a battle of two huge priorities in life, Football and God.

***************
[bom bom bom bom BOO, DON, DON, DON, DAHHH]
Al Micheals: Welcome to this week’s match up between two Titans of sorts whom have battled each other for a good forty years. That’s right, we are talking about the oldest rival football has ever delt with. God. God is coming in this game with an unbeaten record, but the NFL has been going strong in the last ten years or so. Today, the faith of everyone will be involved in ‘The Battle over the Collection Plate’. Both sides want the money but only one will come out with the win.

***************

Maybe if the Vikes were 4-10 and playing the Browns then no one would really give much of a damn. Maybe if the Vikes were 13-1 and already clinched everything, then people would attend church instead.

It will be interesting to see if the game is a tight one, who will the guys go with; Their support for their spiritual leader or their love of football? This is truly a huge
game!

Tomorrow I’ll be talking all about this game!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Jimmy's 'gina

(Yeah with my feet on the trap and my head in the noose I got five more minutes to go
Wont someone come and cut me loose I got four more minutes to go.)


[Dial Tone…..]
Misc person:
Heyyyyee letsss call Jimmyjimmychimmyjimmyjimmy-gina!
Jimmy answers the phone: Hey man.
Anyone who happens to have the phone: JIMMY! Jimmyjimmychimmytimmyjimmychimmy-gina, Dude, we need some ‘gina. Can you give us some of your ‘gina?
Jim: What the hell?
Misc. Person: Jimmychimmyjimmytimmychimmyjimmyjimmyjimmy, dude, don’t be bogaarding the ‘gina. We need you to hook us up or you’re gonna be fired-gina!


It seems that whenever us guys get together and have a ‘drunk-fest’ we always call up the gov’ner’s nephew, Rat boy, or we end up calling this Jim dude that Hog knows. This strange urge seems to come at about 2am and I can’t imagine that he actually stays on the line terribly long.

Just the typical weird shit that comes when a bunch of goofy guys get drunk.

Last weekend during the (what is it Hog?) the third or fourth annual Christmas party in St. Peter, we were definitely in a different state of mind.

This isn’t a traditional type of Christmas party with eggnog and peanut brittle; this is usually a damn good time.

Gifts have traditionally been:
-Caulking gun with a tube of caulking
-Inflatable sheep
-DVD of MVP: Most Valuable Primate
-gay porn
-Mr. Potato Head

This year was no different with gifts like:
-a ‘grab box’ of goodies like a shoe, scotch tape, coupons from 4/03, and a clothespin
-A melon complete with a bottle of lube
-buttfloss
-a bowling ball that someone stole from a bowling alley. The ‘house ball’ was actually wrapped in it’s form without a box

And I received a collection of records (LP’s) ranging from some guy named ‘Woody’ to some crazy Tom Jones album.

The disappointing part of the records is that all day I was praising the likes of Andy Williams because I grew up on his Christmas music. I never usually talk about Williams that much, but apparently, Nick, who bought the records, was thinking of purchasing an Andy Williams album before he saw ‘Woody’. Thus I was Williams-less.

Damn! It could’ve been the best Christmas ever!

There was, however, a very startling theory that came out as a result of this party.

(Warning this may not be appropriate for all the lil’ Billys of the world)

Women believe that guys have tasted their own –ah how shall we say--spooge.

When this info came out all the women were like,
“Shaaaa yahh!” and all the guys were like,
“What…..The…..Fuck?????????”

So as our jaws were on the floor the women were like,
“Don’t even lie about it, we know you’ve all tried it!”

Again, WTF?

Why…. how…when… ??

(blink:blink)

Well, I don’t know! Stumped the ‘ole Berg on that one. I have once tried to understand women, but that theory was proved wrong when the cops came over and ‘billy clubbed’ the shit outta me (and I’m white!).

This was indeed the enigma us, guys, were trying to figure out after about ten beers a piece, 3 white Russians, and a bunch of other crap Hog had lying around.

Just something to mull over as you’re going through your day.

In fact, go up to the first woman you see and ask her,
“Why do you believe guys have tried their own spooge?”
Then come back here and tell me what she says. I just hope to god that it will make sense, but I’m not betting on it.


Man, how 'bout the Dolphins beating the Patriots!
I believe a 'fuck you, Ricky' is in order.

'til tomorrow

Monday, December 20, 2004

No More Mac for Me!

(Now I’m climbing up the ladder with the scaffolding with seven more minutes to go
I better watch my step or I’ll break my neck with six more minutes to go)


Before I start out with the usual crap list I just want to pimp another fellow blogger.

It was last week sometime when I was fumbling around blogger, looking for some decent blogs out there in the interenet superhighway and let me tell ya, there’s a lot of stupid fuckin blogs out there! One guy talking about painting his kitchen, another talking about the dynamics of Medicare, and one even talking about the election of ’08!
So I find this blog called ‘Midwestgrrl’ and I must say It’s a damn fine blog! Midwestgrrl’s blog is a lot like this blog here only she has better grammar, is a seasoned veteran at this ‘bloggin’ deal, and (sit down for this guys) I think she might be an Indians fan. In fact I’m pretty sure she’s an Indians fan from my extensive research. Not that it matters because the Twins have shown in recent years that they are a superior team even with Monty Burns as their owner. Still, she likes baseball and there’s nothing wrong with a little baseball rivalry between blogs (Man, that sounds nerdy). Plus she talks about Bob Costas having an orgasm in that entry, which is actually the secret special topic of the day.

(AHHHHHAAHHHHHH!)

Specifically this is the line that caught my eye,
…I am full of yeast and flour and I wish I had a flux capacitor…”
This is one of those lines that I just focus on and read over and over again. Then I had a couple words jump into my mind like,
“1.21 GIGAWATS!”
“Why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here!”
“GREAT SCOTT!”

Which I will admit, the greatest triligy of all time! Better than ‘rings, better than Star Wars, and especially better than those stupid Harry Potter fairy tales. The Back to the Future triligy is THE triligy.

So I emailed her and asked her to exchange links. I felt like a little kid trying to give Mean Joe Greene a Coke in the tunnel. She emailed me back and granted me permission, so naturally I said,
“Gee thanks Midwestgrrl! Thanks a lot! This is going to be a Merry Christmas for all and all a good night!”

Well, not exactly anyway but something like that.

On with the Crap List


1. People who use the word ‘Scrooge’ loosely.
I notice that if one person complains even the slightest bit about anything ‘Christmassy’ they get deemed a Scrooge. For instance, my parents paid $125 a ticket to see Bette Midler sing her dumb showtoons and Christmas songs. Naturally I say: “Why the hell would you spend that kind of money on Bette Midler when you could’ve bought a ton of gifts for Toys for Tots?”
“Oh look at Scrooge over here complaining about us going to see a Christmas concert!" my Mom said.
This is the family I currently live with and am trying to move away from.
If they were die hard Bette fans I would understand because god knows I’d shell out $500 and move halfway across the country to see Pink Floyd, but I know they don’t know her other than that stupid sitcom she used to have.

That could’ve been $250 in Toys! And 2500 packages of ramen!

2. My gut
I have come to the realization that I cannot eat Mac and Cheese anymore. I know, it’s a sad day indeed. This has been ongoing from about a year in a half ago when I was living in Minneapolis at the hizzy. Before work I would make myself a box of mac and in nine hours, take a ride on the thunderbucket and hold on for dear life! I think it’s pretty safe to say that if you eat mac at separate times in the last 16 months and you end up mastering the courtesy flush as a result of each time, ya probably shouldn’t be eating anymore mac. Yeah, It’s like I just lost my dog. However, I am a fighter and I will either find something else to eat or call up cybex and ask if they have any colon strengthening free weights system I can start on.

Ugh, nevermind about that last sentence.

3. Those ‘I support our Troops’ ribbons on vehicles
Don’t get me wrong, I do support our troops and I think it’s great that we are sacrificing some hard earned cash in order to make sure they are being funded, but these magnets are kinda ridiculous. I mean who in the US is against our troops and is still forced to live here?
And don’t say Democrats, you wiseass!
Is there a ribbon somewhere that says:’I Support Water’ or ‘I Support Education’ or ‘Destroy the Pack’? Again, nothing wrong with the principle of donating money, but it’s a little smug to slap those magnets on a vehicle. Especially on a high-end sports car or SUV, but that’s just the natural resources student in me.

By the way, I officially graduated as of Friday! GOOD BYE UofM!

4. Graduate Students
Now that I probably wont be heading over to the UofM anytime soon, I don’t want to forget about my hatred towards those nerdy grad students. If I were ever to have a Hall of Fame crap list, grad students would definitely make the list.


Maybe it’s just my jealousy toward people who have the desire to excel in knowing the specific dynamics of the Kreb cycle or my misunderstanding on how anyone would want to make a career in that, but I simply cant’s stand the smugness on a lot of those students. Not to mention the notion that one spends tens of thousands of dollars in their undergraduate days, struggles and stresses to receive that A on their papers for about five years running, and then decides: “Hey, you know what, I don’t think I learned enough. I want MORE stress AND I want to suck my professor’s dick in the process”

It just seems to me that grad students are the ultimate tool in college. A lot of times they teach classes, grade papers by the undergraduates, and ‘help’ the undergraduates with any questions about the lecture.
So what the fuck does the professor do then? I mean ya pay something like $300 a credit for a grad student to teach the class? Fuck that, I want the ‘world renown, couldn’t-get-into-Wisconsin, blazer-wearing’ prof or the guy who I shelled out big bucks to have TEACH US!


Eh, it’s all over.
Tomorrow I talk about our Christmas party this last weekend

Saturday, December 18, 2004

GOOD LORD, I ALMOST FORGOT!

(Intermission…….)

GOOD GOD!!!

I forgot the most important game of all—the Vikings/Detroit game.

Minnesota @ Detroit
This game is a little pesky. I’m leaning toward another Vikings loss, but that’s just because I’m a bitter son of a bitch. I bet the Vikes coaching staff will avoid the pipe for just this one game and call a normal, decent game for once. The bitter SOB side of me says that the Vikes will be run on like…
a bunch of teenage girls over ushers after the gates open to an Usher concert or
a fat girl running over their sponsor when they see a phat piece of cake or
ah… I don’t know…
Vikings 27 Lions 24


have a good…uh Sunday

Friday, December 17, 2004

What a Bunch of Morons

(But this aint the movies, so the hell with me with eight more minutes to go)

[CUE: BENNY HILL THEME]

Major League Baseball just can’t help but to keep raising the bar of stupidity.

One could write a novel on all the bad luck that the Expos have had to deal with.

-Their old owner screwed around with local media outlets and there was a period of time when the Expos weren’t on local tv/radio.
-They had the first retractable roof until it started fuckin up. After over a billion dollars of labor, the stadium is still broken
-They lost a dynasty's worth of talent throughout the nineties including: Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, and Larry Walker to name a few
-Their best season was in ’94 when they were safely in first place until the strike cancelled the season
-Baseball announces contraction (anihilation) of the Expos because they don’t have the fan support. As if it’s really the fan’s fault.
-The last couple seasons half of the Expos home games have been played in Puerto Rico.
-MLB (That is, all 29 dickhead, cheap-ass owners of MLB) took primary ownership of the franchise in 2002. As if one wasn't bad enough.


Anyway, about a month ago they moved the team to Washington DC and changed their name to the Nationals in hopes that this new team will increase in value with a new fan base and a new owner would come along.

Then devastation happened, a couple days ago when the District of Columbia City council added an amendment to their new ballpark proposal in that the new $440 million ballpark would have to have at least $220 million of it to be privately funded.

The Nationals have since shut down business and promotional operations indefinitely since the bad news.

This was a shock to MLB because they wanted a stadium to be fully funded by the city they moved to.

They wanted the city to pay for the whole damn thing.

Well that decision has brought the whole relocation deal in jeopardy because MLB’s owners’ don’t want to pay the money to build the stadium. Plus, even if there was an owner the least bit interested, not only would that potential owner have to pay for the franchise but also the $220+ million for the new stadium added on.

So unless anything changes, baseball will be fucked with the Expos (or Nationals or whatever) WITHOUT a host city!

It's just too good!

HAHA Do ya really think that many people in DC will attend a Nationals’ game knowing that the team doesn’t belong to the city? I mean even if I was a baseball fan in DC, instead of paying for premium seats: I'd buy the cheapest hooker, buy a bunch of bologna with barbeque sauce, and slap that bologna on the hooker's barbequed ass as I watch "Year In Review: The 1999 Seattle Seahawks".


Yeah, fuck baseball!

However, it does make contraction more likely and you can’t contract just one team.

Picks

I’ve been kicking ASS in picks
Last week I went (11-5)
Overall I’m (120-84)

Pittsburgh @ NY Giants
Why the hell did the Giants start Manning this season? I mean Warner wasn’t the best but at least Tiki was playing decent and they had a winning record.
The question for this game is how many interceptions will Manning throw. I bet he throws four.
Steelers 31 Giants 3

Washington @ San Francisco
YUCK!!! This is the special Saturday Fox game of the day? Bleh! They’re better off just playing Bruce Almighty instead of this crap. Then we’d get to see Catherine Bell!
Redskins 24 49ers 17

Carolina @ Atlanta
I need some advice, I have both Atlanta and Carolina’s D and quarterbacks. I’m going to both start Delhomme and his D or Vick and his D. I have no damn clue as to what I’m going to do. I’m thinking Atlanta, but Carolina’s been hot. Therefore, I have no clue as to what will happen in this game.
Panthers 31 Falcons 13

Houston @ Chicago
Didn’t these teams already play last week?
Texans 20 Bears 13

Buffalo @ Cincinnati
Mike Tice actually compared to the Vikes to the Bengals as ‘teams that have been in a playoff drought’. He compared the Vikings to the Bengals! Fuck you Tice
Bills 34 Bengals 28

San Diego @ Cleveland
Shouldn’t even play the game. BAH!!!!
Chargers 41 Browns 17

Jacksonville @ Green Bay
You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jacksonville pulled it out. Hell, Detroit almost did it last week and Harrington played like shit! I can just see Fred Taylor rippin’ it up.
Jaguars 21 Packers 10

Seattle @ NY Jets
Jets, hands down
Jets 28 Seahawks 14

Dallas @ Philadelphia
How can a Philly fan take the Eagles record in the NFC realistically? The NFC is so god damn bad that any decent team should be 9-3 or better at this point.
Eagles 21 Cowboys 17

St. Louis @ Arizona
Man, this one is tough. These are two teams that I had high expectations for this year. They both have managed to suck through and through.
Rams 31 Cards 24

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
These are the two most fucked up teams in the NFL. Just when you want to forget about the Bucs they shut out the Falcons. Then the Saints will lose every game until they beat Dallas in Dallas. WFT? Roll the dice.
Bucs 24 Saints 14

Denver @ Kansas City
I remember the last time Denver played Kansas City—my guy, Quentin Griffen, scored three touchdowns on 150 yards rushing. He was the future of the Denver running game.
Awwwww HORSESHIT!!!!
Broncos 42 Chiefs 28

Tennessee @ Oakland
Don’t know, don’t care
Raiders 28 Titans 10

Baltimore @ Indianapolis
Yeah, that bitch Brandon Stokley is injured! The most annoying white guy receiver might not play!
Colts 38 Ravens 31

New England @ Miami
That would be totally sweet if Miami pulled one off!
Patriots 24 Dolphins 10

Promise me you’ll have a good weekend!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

A More Mature Berg

(Now I’m waiting for the pardon to set me free with nine more minutes to go)

I’m trying to send the good word of my site out in the midst of the Internet superhighway and so I decided to take stock in my blog.

I need to be more mature. I seem to use the words: ‘crap’, ’damn’, and ‘freakin’ way too much. The appearance of this blog alone is enough to grant me an invitation to Hell—according to my Mom that is.

Actually, I think in my Mom’s eyes, I’m already going to Hell.

If I am going to stay with this: ‘mature, deep, and presentable’ blog, then I need to ask a small favor.
Go find a small post-it note and place it on the upper right hand part of the page, over that immature picture you see. It’s where you see that woman riding the motorbike—you know, the one with the long ass flame protruding out her posterior—place that post-it note over that immature picture.

I mean really, I’m 25 and I should’ve grown up a long time ago.

Then there’s the opening paragraph that describes this blog. I would like to ask another favor in that you should probably ignore that false advertising that I talk about bathwater and squirrel porn.

Who in their right mind would talk about bathwater? What is there to talk about? I mean my best experience with bathwater was when I was 6, taking a bath and I was doing the usual, ‘splishy, splashy’ deal in the tub, when my Mom dropped in this golf ball size pellet in the tub. I was very curious about what my mom just dropped in the tub. That was, UNTIL IT STARTED CHANGING SHAPE. Then the most amazing thing happened!

That little pellet my Mom dropped in the tub just happened to turn into a Popeye washcloth! It was at that point when I started doing ‘splishy, splashy’ with my new Popeye washcloth.

Twas a good day!

Then I want to say that I am not in anyway affiliated with any kinds of squirrel porn. That’s just silly because we all know that squirrels are naked all the time and if one wanted squirrel porn, they’d just head over to the University of Minnesota, Minneapolis campus where the squirrels will walk up to you and do anything for a kernel of popcorn.

Anything.

Oh and then they had this invention at the State Fair called the squngie or something where one would hang an ear of corn on this hanging rope tied to a spring and the squirrel would then straddle the ear and swing around until it was sick or full.
That was a sight for sore eyes. If only I had $30.

That’s all I know about any kind of squirrel porn. I’m sorry to lead any crazy squirrel fetish horndogs onto this site. I’m sure some of my links to ‘my bloggin’ buddies’ could give you a story or three about squirrel porn to wet your whistle.

I’m sure it’s the immaturity factor that allowed me to lose the Presidential race this last fall. You can bet that in four more years I’ll the most mature little shit you’ve ever seen!

From now on you’re going to find a more mature Berg on this site. No more ‘babe’s or ‘bitching about crap’ or ‘crazy ideas that include people from India’.

I’m going to make this site pure so I can go to heaven.


Unrelated but puzzles me,

Man, I was reading this list of the 40 Cheesiest love songs ever (I admit it, they are a guilty pleasure of mine) and they had the most fucked up entry I have ever seen,
The Wreak of the Edmund Fitzgerald, and I can’t remember what number it was.

But, WTF??? I don’t believe The Wreak… had any connotations of love in the song, and it wasn’t terribly cheesy when the song talks about the death of 29 sailors. Besides all the death, the song goes on to the story of a big ass boat going down in Lake Michigan.

Actually when I think about it, it is a pretty cheesy love song(?). Yeah, this is the type of song I can imagine a bride and groom taking their first dance to.

Sorry, I cant find the link. It was just on MSN the other day.
Anyway, cocaine tuff football picks tomorrow

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Sassy's site

(cuz the god damn thing was working just fine with 10 more minutes to go)

I must be the laziest person ever. I have been listening to Def Leppard’s ‘Hysteria’ over and over again for the past five days here at work. Last Thursday or so, I put the jambox on ‘repeat all’ and I just can’t work enough strength to go over and change the damn CD.

Yeah it’s one of their best pieces of music, but the high pitch screaming can really get on your nerves after awhile. It almost makes me want to….

Hop on a Rocket and send myself off to where the Gods of War roam and finally fall on a planet full of Women and Animals where they make me Excitable with their Love and Affection and how they love to Pour Some Sugar on Me. After a year of that crap I’ll probably Run Riot with Hysteria and realize that Love Bites.

And then uh… Don’t Shoot Shotgun(???)

Armageddon It?

That’s about as creative as I get ‘round here.

It’s still more creative than Sasquatch’s site,
better than bergblog” where he apparently only bitches about Mike Tice.

Funny, how I start up this blog and arch nemeses seem to appear out of the woodwork. Sassy also says that he’s going to run against ‘us’ in the 2008 or until Hog gets impeached.

Hehe, little does he know. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA

And if he was smart about the name of his site, he’d call it ‘better than bergblog-blog’ because you can’t have a blog that ends with someone else’s blog.

That’s just shear stupidity.

Let me tell you something about Sassy, here’s a guy whose fantasy football team, The Yetis, beats the crap out of me by 60 damn points and after all that, he has the balls to tell me, in an email,

“Good game Tom”

What a complete jackass! Everyone knows how sensitive I get when my Deer lose. There’s no need to twist the knife especially when I made the bonehead move of playing Fitzgerald instead of Chambers.

What a freakin dick!

We were talking last night about who would win in a battle between actual yetis and Deer. It’s pretty obvious to me that The Deer would obliterate the Yetis and—hell, throw in a bunch of Hog’s ‘Mighty Mallards’ and that still wouldn’t be enough to contain these wild Deer that I have.

And remember, caribou, elk, and moose are all apart of the deer family and then there’s the age-old question,
‘Exactly how many deer are we talking about?’ I mean if there are a trillion or so deer with sharp ass antlers, yetis and mallards don’t stand a chance. My deer would easily beat the Axis Powers if asked.

Especially now since my deer are really hungry for some money. We’re done chewing on shrubs and small trees, we need some REAL FOOD!

Anyway, I encourage all of you to go to Sassy’s website and make fun of the asshole to no end.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

In Mike We Trust

(Now they’re testing the trap and it chills my spine with 11 more minutes to go)

It’s days like today when I feel like having a ghost writer. You know, a person that simply does the writing of a paper or book.

For that matter I’m thinking I need a ghost worker and even a ghost family member so I wouldn’t have to work and deal with my family respectfully.

I could just have some dude come in with my name tag at work and, if he wanted, he could act like me: tap dancing in the freight elevator, debating if a certain can of pop floats in water, or rubbing a glossy covered book on my cheek. However; I’m thinking my ghost worker would require extra money, but it would be worth it!

My ghost family member would probably appear at Christmas and open up my present because I’m sure my family will try and ‘pay me back’ for not telling them what I want.

Which is very ironic because, as I explained before, I grew up asking for a lot and I never received anything of the sort.

So, because I put, ‘Surprise me’ five times in a row for my 1st through 5th choice, I will probably get a lump of coal or a replacement bag for our vacuum cleaner. So, instead of dealing with the brunt of the blow, my ghost-family member would take the frustration and heartache and me, passed out under the vacant $2 blackjack table at the four queens casino in Vegas.

I can’t think of a better Christmas myself.

I imagine I’d have someone who looks nothing like me, play my ghost-family member. I imagine that person would be Indian and have a severe chip on his shoulder for draggin his ass halfway around the world just to replace me for a day. The jet lag alone would make myself want to burn down a news stand. Yeah this guy wouldn’t take that much shit at all.

“Coal, you can take this piece of coal and throw it in the heating chamber of that train over there and send ya’ll to Hell!”

Granted, I would rarely ever say that to my family, but I’m sure this Indian would. This Indian, Mike would also not settle for any old spongeholder either. He’d be like,
‘Hey, what the hell gives? You can take this sponge holder along with whatever screwed up sponge comes with it and shove it up your ass until you cough it up, in which case you can send it up your ass again and collect $200 bich.’

Then for the dinner, I’m sure Mike would grab the bowl of mashed potatoes and throw ALL the gravy on top, like any good ghost family member would and just have that bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy for Christmas dinner.

God bless you Mike,

Monday, December 13, 2004

The Clusterf&ck of America

(Here comes the preacher to set me free with 13 minutes to go
And he’s talking about heat and you know I feel so cold with 12 more minutes to go)


Monday’s are not only a day to bitch about crap, but they are turning into ‘Vikings suck ass day’ as well.

I’ll try not to spend three pages bitching on end-because I know I could. Hell, I could write a 10 page essay on why the Vikings suck so bad.

Instead here is a couple, general stats.

Vikings record after six games
2003 6-0
2004 5-1

We were one of the first teams to miss the playoffs in ’03 after starting 6-0
This year may not be any different AND THE NFC SUCKS!!!!!!!
-A team may go 8-8 and make the playoffs.
-Atlanta will probably get a 1st round bye. ATLANTA!!
-Philadelphia can go 15-1 because they played a great majority of their games in the NFC.
-Both Detroit AND Chicago were in the playoff hunt before yesterday.

The sad thing for the Vikes is the the next three games aren’t going to be that much easier than Seattle.
-Next week in Detroit
-Christmas eve home, against the Pack (granted we usually beat them here)
-The last week on the road against the Redskins. (this may be the toughest game left on the schedule because this one is outdoors!)

ah well, same ole’ Vikes eh guys?

1. The frame of mind that ‘booing’ is considered wrong
I haven’t heard the bitching about booing yet, but it might come up. Why do people consider booing to be rude and unsportsmanlike? What, are we supposed to cheer on the Vikings after they decide that Randy Moss would make a good quarterback with 2 minutes to go? Are we supposed to cheer every time we give up a 3rd and long? I especially hate it when fans bitch about other fans booing. These are the same people that tell everyone to sit down after a touchdown, or whine about the temperature being too cold in the dome. I mean heaven forbid that people would boo a football team.

2. People who stand right in the god damn way.
Ever walk into a store and have to walk around people reading the stupid ad right there at the entrance? I wish we could push people out of the way for being stupid. That way the pushEE can look back at the pushER and say,
“Sorry, my bad. I deserved that!”
And the pusher would just be doing their job.
But that’s not the worst people. When I attend a sporting event or concert, there’s always a bit of a mad dash to leave the venue. I’ll try and find some daylight to the exit and work my way around people until I get stuck next to this clueless, suburbanite, polo shirt wearing, dumbass family. They’ll walk around as if they’re shopping at Target and then flat out stop and look to the distance right behind them, and finally look at their brochure to make sure that they are indeed still at the Metrodome.

3. Crowds
I may have some sort of phobia or disorder when it comes to huge messes of people. This includes parties, traffic jams, and Christmas shopping. It was the biggest reason why Sturgis wasn’t up to my liking and it’s the main reason I don’t like family get-togethers. That last point about people in the way is magnified during Christmas time because shopping centers are nothing more than gigantic ‘cluster fucks’.
They should just call the local malls what they REALLY are in December. You have the local malls; Rosedale clusterfuck, Maplewood clusterfuck, Southdale clusterfuck, and then the Clusterfuck of America (or COA) in Bloomington.

4. Acquaintances
I am not a good acquaintance person. I either have my friends or strangers and role players—nothing in between. The role players are the people that you usually say hi to as you’re walking to the pop machine, the mail lady, that person that lives 4 houses down that you honk your horn too when passing by. It’s only when you see these people at Target or whatever restaurant your attending when the dynamic gets screwed up.

I mean the mail lady isn’t supposed to be here shopping. Do I say hi? Am I going to have to talk to her for a long ass time? She doesn’t see me yet, what should I do?

I will go out of my way to avoid acquaintances at all cost. I've been known to get the hell out of a store if I find someone I know.

Last weekend at ‘The football-viewing restaurant’ I was not only broadsided by this woman I hadn’t seen in years, but the whole family as well. I know the family from way back when, but I sure as hell don’t care about them now. The woman saw me first and then I was stuck talking about what everyone is up to now.
Just a few minutes later, my boss stops in and all of a sudden I felt like I needed to be more productive. I felt like stealing the broom and sweeping hoping for that raise! Nah, I said hi and found out that his whole damn family works at this place.
Which means I have an excuse for not tipping.
YOU DON’T PAY ME ENOUGH BEOTCH!

5. Not understanding a movie
I finally saw the movie, Donnie Darko because it’s in the top 250, and everyone says it’s a good movie. Well, I saw the movie and I feel like the biggest retard because, I didn’t really get it. I usually like these deep, moving movies, but this one was totally crazy!
Before you start with the frowns, pointing and laughing, and the dumbass chants—I want to say that I am in the process of doing some research and am probably going to watch the movie again.

The jury’s still out bitch!

Friday, December 10, 2004

Dog Bites off Testicle

(WELL IF YOU’RE SO SORRY YOU CAN TAKE MY PLACE with 14 minutes to go)

Oh my god, I have been dying of boredom. These damn Minnesota days where the weather just can’t figure out what the hell it wants to do is just killing me.

Here’s an excellent link to kill a couple minutes. Just type in a band and it will give you a web of other similar bands. It even knows the obscure ones!

Part of the reason for the boredom is that I can’t seem to wake up at a decent time…and I blame Mother Nature for that problem. See, I work at night so I don’t really have a good reason to wake up early other than I don’t want to sleep the day away. So I always wake up with the option of waking up.

Well every time I wake up and it’s dark and overcast, my body tells me to stay in bed. Then I turn on the radio and end up sleeping with PA and Dubay ranting and raving about dogs chewing off testicles and I get these totally screwed up dreams. One time I dreamed I was driving away from the cops (cuz I was playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto) and I had the audio of PA and Dubay arguing about Vikings football.

I also find that I don’t need any drugs or alcohol anymore. I find that sleeping with talk radio on really loud fucks me up good enough. It’s not only the dreaming process that screws me up, but also the news I somehow retain in the process. Later in the day someone will walk up to me,
“Hey did you hear about that naked guy who got his dick bit off by a dog?”
and I’ll be like
“Uh yeah…..from… somewhere?… Where did I hear that from? I should know where I heard this from” And it will take me like an hour to figure it out.

The bad thing is that if I have a unusually vivid dream or breakthrough, I’ll immediately sit up and hit my head, really damn hard, on the bed above mine (yes I sleep on the bottom part of a bunk bed) in which case I instantly fall back asleep and forget about that ‘breakthrough’ I was experiencing.

Picks

Last week I went (11-5) and overall I’m (109-79 which is about 60%, or good enough for a D-)

Oakland @ Atlanta
What the hell happened to the Falcons last week? They laid an egg to none other than the buccaneers! I guess I should be rooting against the Falcons because they hold the 2 seed and if I ever want the vikes to ever have a 1st round bye, they gotta start losing. It’s a pipedream because the Vikes suck.
Falcons 24 Raiders 20

Cincinnati @ New England
The big talk now is not which team will have a 15-1 record but how many. You know who the last team to achieve a 15-1 record was. Well I’ll tell you when you’re older and when I’m not so bitter. Someone even mentioned that if New England and Pittsburgh both end up with 15-1 records, one team wont have home field advantage, which is amazing!
Patriots 23 Bengals 10

Chicago @ Jacksonville
You know, based on the record and their defense the Bears aren’t as bad as people make them out to be. They’re not a good team by any means but with a month left to go, they still have a chance to make the playoffs! Hey, Urlacher is a stud man!
Jaguars 23 Bears 9

NY Giants @ Baltimore
Is the Manning experiment over? I shouldn’t wish this on anyone but I hope Eli sucks for five years based on his whining about not wanting to go to the (was it the Chargers?).
Ravens 30 Giants 0

Indianapolis @ Houston
I hope they put a live camera on Dan Marino when Peyton breaks his touchdown mark. Marino would then break into tears and hold on for dear life to his ‘most passing yards in one season’ record that he currently owns. Man, the AFC playoffs could be the best TV I’ve seen in a long time.
Colts 31 Texans 17

Cleveland @ Buffalo
As I write this, that awful Breaking Benjamin song, ‘So Cold’ is playing. How appropriate for this game. A terrible song for a terrible game. Game plan: Give the ball to Willis until he’s cracked the 300 yd mark.
Bills 38 Browns 20

New Orleans @ Dallas
Have the Cowboys turned it around? I always play against the runningback running against the Saints. Dallas has this in the bag.
Cowboys 23 Saints 7

Detroit @ Green Bay
I am really hoping that the temperature is under 32 and the Lions ‘go to town’ on the Packers. Is that streak still going or did the Falcons nix that streak in that playoff game? Nonetheless, I gotta go with the Pack
Packers 28 Lions 7

NY Jets @ Pittsburgh
Can’t pick against the Steelers.
Steelers 31 Jets 20

Miami @ Denver
Hmmm wait a minute… gut says that the Dolphins may end up pulling this one out (hey, the Raiders did it!). Yeah, I’m picking the Dolphins.
Dolphins 23 Denver 17

San Francisco @ Arizona
Denny Green must be on the Nyquil again if he thought that Navarre would do anything last week. I mean come on. Some of those picks look make it look like I threw the ball.
Cardinals 27 49ers 23

Tampa Bay @ San Diego
Man, this game sucks, these are the kind of teams that need to play outdoors in the cold.
Chargers 35 Bucs 17

St. Louis @ Carolina
I’m totally on the Carolina bandwagon. Can they start a season 1-7 and end up making it to the playoffs? I sure as hell hope so!
Panthers 20 Rams 13

Philadelphia @ Washington
Yuck
Eagles 35 Redskins 10

Kansas City @ Tennessee
Anytime in the last 5 years, this would be the ultimate match up. Now it’s worthless!
Titans 24 Chiefs 20

Seattle @ Minnesota
I’m just not feeling it. Yeah, this game is at the Metrodome and the Vikes usually play decent at home, but they don’t have Winfield playing. Winfield was pretty much the only good defensive back they had. Then on offence Tice said he’d split up the carries 2:1 with Onterio running the ball more and as a whole, running the ball only 40% of the time. If you’re not behind, then why the fuck would you run an offense like that? It’s not that I have Onterrio on my fantasy team and I want him to score a lot of point (I mean that’s great if he does) but whether it’s Mewelde, Bennett, or the underused Moe Williams, RUN THE DAMN BALL MORE THAN 13 TIMES! I can just see the Vikings screwing this up this weekend and the fans booing. Then Tice will come out and criticize the fans for booing.
Seahawks 35 Vikings 24

I’m going to Damon’s in Oakdale on Sunday if anyone wants to watch this debacle.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Mother's I'd like ta...

(Well my lawyer says he’s sorry that he missed my case with 16 minutes to go)

I promised I would talk about MILFs today and I will.

The MILF scale
This is a little trickier because mothers are not supposed to be good looking. Another problem is that I don’t know who’s had kids and who hasn’t, Therefore, I will assume.
1-10

First is….

Hog’s Mom
Man she really isn’t a MILF as much as a MIAF’D (MIalreadyF’d) because she’s a hot piece of ass. I mean damn Hog, your mom is pretty damn cozy in the sack. She has, however, been around the block a whole bunch of times because I can only describe the process as
‘throwing a hotdog down a hallway’ but it’s still a good time nonetheless. You should try it.
10


Seriously though

Patricia Heaton
She’s Ray’s wife on the overrated Everybody Loves Raymond. She’s probably the only bright spot on the show. I don’t know about in real life but she definitely plays a MILF. Holy crap I’m about to give a 10 to a woman who’s 46. Whatever man, she’s a great looking MILF and a rack to match!
10

Patricia Richardson
As seen on Home Improvement. Eh, I don’t know. She’s actually just a mom and nothing really special. She’s got a southern accent but it really doesn’t work in her favor at all. Plus she nags too much on that show anyway
2

Debby Messing from Will and Grace
She’s an interesting one. I totally enjoy the show and usually when I like a show, there is a definite hottie or two involved. Messing is attractive, but she’s got a chest as flat as the wall’s and she kinda/sorta has a bit of an ass although it’s nothing to write home about. She’s pretty good looking still.
9

Julia Louis Dreyfus
I looked it up, she’s got kids. She was very much an underrated, hot woman on Seinfeld. I don’t think I have ever heard her name in any ‘hot ass beotches’ categories. She’s pretty damn hot! When she’d shove George or Jerry into the next room was the best because it tells me that she’s a tough one.
9.5

Sela Ward
I’m a huge Sela fan. She used to be on those Sprint commercials and I must say that her best feature is…..her voice. Woah! This is where the southern belle accent is a blessing. I could listen to those Sprint commercials forever. She’s a ten based solely on the voice. She doesn’t have a bad face either
10

-Man the tough part is trying to find who has children or not.

Hell with this… taking too much time….

Random babes

Cameron Diaz
The upset special if you will. She is probably Courtney Love’s long lost sister who, long ago, both fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch along the way. Justin Timberlake, you can have her! Seriously, she has NEVER looked anywhere near attractive. Never! Not even in The Mask. I saw The Mask and no, she didn’t even look that good. She’s blonde, she sounds stupid whenever she opens her big mouth, and her face looks like a guys (look at it). She’s no Sarah Parker but she isn’t that far off. Say it with me now… (clap, clap, cla-cla-clap, OVER RATED, clap, clap, cla-cla-clap)
1

Jennifer Love Hewitt
She’s looked really good in movies like Heartbreakers but then sometimes she’ll put on this ugly looking face. I do think she’s one of the top looking female actresses of her age range though.
8

Elisa Cuthbert
H, did you know she was that one girl in Old School? I sure as hell didn’t. She’s had her good times. I saw The Girl Next Door and she was the only reason why anyone would want to watch that awful movie. She’s not too bad for a blonde; however, brunettes and red heads are the way to go.
7

Sarah Michelle Gellar
I’ve never been a ‘Buffy’ fan because I’m not into the whole demons, ghosts, and zombies thing. I have seen her on those teen horror movies and on Cruel Intentions. I hear that she used to wear amazing outfits on Buffy but I never got around to checking those out. I will say that the jury is still out on this one because I still have yet to see more of her. Two down sides are that her face tends to look messed up sometimes and she was involved in a couple Scoobie Doo movies.
6.5+

Here’s another MILF

Natascha McElhone
She was that knockout hottie in The Truman Show and other stuff. She could be the hottest underrated actress in biznes. She’s got the best eyes I have ever seen, great smile, and a decent face to match. The one determining factor is again the voice. She has one of those sweet British accents that make a hot woman hotter.
10

Alright that’s enough, I lost my focus.
Football picks tomorrow

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Saran Wrap is Not a Good Contraceptive

(Well I called out to the warden to take my plea with 17 minutes to go)

Quick Bits

-Man, David Stern is going crazy over that brawl. He just gave Latrell Sprewell a one game suspension for telling a fan to ‘suck his dick’, which is damn funny. The fans around him thought it was funny as well. So because it was so funny, I don’t think he should be suspended. There should be a rule that if a basketball player ‘makes a funny’ they should be exempted from any punishment. I bet when Sprewell was chocking P.J. Calisemo, he was simply saying something like,
“YOU SILLY CRACKA DON’T EVA TELL ME TO PLAY DEFENSE”

In which case is okay because it’s funny.

Ya know, they should let me be the commissioner of the NBA.

-At 3am yesterday morning I was flipping back and forth from two/thirds of the last episode of Cheers and the ‘Year in Review: The 1999 Seattle Seahawks’. As I was watching both I thought,
‘Hey, this would sound great in my blog!’ because… I’m such a god damn loser I guess.

-My Deer scored a pathetic 33 points this last weekend. I lost by 60! I’m gonna have to give Duece McAllister a pep talk because he seriously needs to step up. I may end up benching him and make him think twice about his terrible performance. I’ll bench him for…. Dorsey Levens? Sammy Morris? Aaron Stecker? Lee Suggs? Oh lord do I suck!

-Anyone see that commercial where this couple is at the grocery checkout line and the dude realizes that the woman bought a pregnancy kit?
Talk about a lack of communication! I wouldn’t want to find out then! I’d probably find out when she tries to slip it in the cart.

(Berg and his girlfriend, Honey Dumpling at Cub Foods)
BERG: What the fuck is this?
HONEY DUMPLING: Uh, Tom, remember how you had that brilliant idea on how you were going to save money on condoms and instead use Saran Wrap? We’ll it wasn’t’ such a good idea.
BERG: You gotta be fuckin kidding me!
HONEY DUMPLING: Nah, I’ve been throwing up all day. Haven’t you noticed?
BERG: PFFFF NO! You know how ignorant I am!
CASHIER: That will be $121.98 sir.
BERG: Pfff screw this crap! I’m outta here!
HONEY DUMPLING: Where are you going now?
BERG: I’m going to get a bag of Doritos and a gallon of milk and then I’m going to the alley to eat them, beat off, and then use the empty carton and bag to kill myself.
HONEY DUMPLING: Very resourceful.
BERG: Thanks, I know.

-I should be vehemently opposed to it but I got the best cd the other day. It’s Luther Wright and the Wrongs: Rebuild the Wall. If you can’t stand The Wall by Pink Floyd but are still interested in the album, get this cd.
It’s The Wall only in bluegrass/country. It’s actually quite good and condensed into one disk.
I never thought Pink Floyd and country would mix so well.

-Anyone see that Elton John Ipod commercial? Talk about a guy trying to hold on for dear life! Elton, just let yourself go, it’s getting rather pathetic. We saw your gray hair in the 80’s. You look like Austin Powers at 70. I’m sure there’s someone in the gay community that would love to check off Elton John in their ‘people to do’ list even if you’re old, fat, and bald (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

-Will hockey ever come back?

-College football is the biggest joke in the history of sports. If the gophers or badgers even went undefeated (like some people thought), do you really think they’d let them in a BCS bowl?
What more could’ve Auburn done if they wanted a national championship? Dump a thousand gallons of oil onto the Rose Bowl for the USC/UCLA game? Pump Colorado up with a boatload of steroids so they could kill anyone on Okalahoma’s offense?

Ah well, tomorrow, I PROMISE I’ll have some MILFS.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Stupid, Worthless Baseball Stats

(And the sherrif says, “Boy I wanna watch you die” with 19 minutes to go,
So I spit in his face and kicked him in the eye with 18 minutes to go)


Last Friday Jason Giambi admitted to taking steroids.

NO, NOT JASON GIAMBI! Who would’ve thought THAT!

Then Barry Bonds came out earlier this week (NAW YOU GOTTA BE JOKING!?)

Oprah will also be on the cover of Oprah magazine next month too.
The sky is blue.
Someone will get drunk in Wisconsin tonight as well.


Check out
this early pic of Bonds then look at this pic.
I think this ‘new’ Barry Bonds at one point, ate this old skinny Barry Bonds.

Then there’s
this pic of Giambi and compare it to this one.
Not that there’s a good before/after pic but the dude looks completely nutz!
Someone has to coach Jason on how to properly smile for a camera. The guy looks like he’ll beat the hell out of a kitten if asked. I bet he was breathing quite heavily to the point that he was whistling a bit every time he inhaled. His right eye looks like the twitching kind you’ve seen in Ren and Stimpy cartoons
Seriously, you can almost see veins popping out of his forehead
The cameraman has to be blind to take a picture like that.

I mean really, was this news? Now the concern seems to be involved in contracts and whether these players breached their contracts, which is understandable.

Then the Sabermaticians were all aghast about the stats.

“OH NO, WE NEED ASTERISKS! THESE STATS ARE BOGUS! WHAT A MOCKERY!”

I used to be hardcore into sabermetrics (to a point) and I knew everyone’s stats. I studied them like flashcards on the back of those sweet Topps cards (the cheap ones not the stupid, hyper-glossy-clean-your-fuckin-toilet-foil-stamped ones)
At this day in age, who the fuck really cares because all the stats nowadays (and everywhere) in baseball are screwed up without any drugs involved.

In stats you have to compare apples to apples with the same variables. It works for Hockey (when using one size rink), football, and basketball to name a few. Baseball, however, almost all stats are comparing apples to oranges.

First thing that makes stats bogus is the fact that every baseball stadium has different dimensions. Right there if one player is playing in Tropicana Field for 82 games, and another is playing in Comerica Park, how the hell can you even compare the two hitter’s stats if they’ve never played in each other’s parks against the same pitchers and without those different dimensions. It’s almost like they’re playing a different game.

With Hockey, basketball, and football the fields are all alike in dimensions so it is comparing apples to apples except in evaluating opponents.

If there was a more accurate way of figuring out true stats, then we’d have to erase most of the ‘home’ stats because of the amount of games they play compared to other hitters. Erase most because you’d have to randomly select 3 or 6 games when the hitter played.

Then comparing stats today to stats of yesteryear is just ridiculous! Do you know how huge the ballparks were back in the day? Before Fenway Park was built, they played in the Huntington Avenue Grounds (look under past ballparks in the American League) where centerfield was 630’. Yes, 630 FEET!!! Talk about room to roam around. I seriously doubt the centerfielder ever met the wall in any sort. Playing deep meant that you had to play ‘mid center’ field in relation to the wall. A sharp hit towards the gap meant you had to chase the ball until it slowed down long enough to catch up to it. Then you had the (hehe) 500’+ throw back home.
Good luck!

That was the most extreme example but an average centerfield fence in those times was about 450, which is about 50 feet from our average now. Yankee stadium even was bigger back in the day. Where the memorials are now (left field), used to be in-play!

So how the hell can Barry Bonds be the next homerun king if Ruth had a much harder time with those (non Yankee stadium) ballparks.

And then don’t get me started on how worthless a pitcher’s win total is.
Quick bits tomorrow