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Monday, January 24, 2005

Berg's Imagination Runs Wild

It's time to come away, my Darling Pretty
It's time to come away on the changing tide
Time to come away, Darling Pretty
And I need you darling by my side

Here is something funny
Sara’ or ‘Gold Dust Woman’ and dance around my place like Stevie Nicks
-air guitar to summer of ‘69
-Play the roll of Evita Peron on my balcony and sing “Don’t Cry for Me, Oakdale”
-not have to listen to anyone nag me
-‘roll a deuce’ with the door open
-Call my Mom up and tell her how dirty my room is (actually, I’ll try my damndest to keep it clean….don’t hold your breath however)
-be as loud as I want in the middle of the night
-sit and watch tv with my sweet-ass tv.


I just cannot wait! I even spent $240 at Ikea (the human maze) this weekend.

The past couple months the most popular thought in my head has been,
“God, I can’t wait to get outta here!”
“Man, I can’t stand this place” or
“How did that Kiss disco song go again?”


It’s going to be a good time and I’m going to need some help moving in if you’re available.

Crap List

1. Scott Linehan
Actually it’s not referring to the person, but the topic of the Vikings offensive coordinator accepting the Dolphins comparable job with more job security and money. The guy could be a pop singer for all I care. Just as long as he’s not the Vikings offensive coordinator. Reason being is that he screwed up our offence by running the ball only about 30% of the time and routinely calling the plays like any dumbshit would.
“Oh, but Culpepper passed for over 4,700 this year and he had some of the best stats in the league, why wouldn’t we pass 75% of the time?”
Well, he had those great stats because all you did was pass! A lot of quarterbacks would’ve eclipsed the 4,000 mark the way the plays were called.
I don’t get how one week the guy is considered a weak OC and the next he’s 'one of the smartest offensive minds in the game' like a ton of media outlets deemed him. I’ve never seen it! Hell, George W Bush could run our offense!

2. League Pass?
I’m referring to this NBA League Pass commercial featuring two of biggest reasons why I don’t watch the NBA anymore, Bill Walton and Stephon Marbury. They’re both in an office building and it’s late at night,
Bill: Ok Steph we’ve been here for a long time.
Steph: I think I got it, NBA League Pass?
Bill (shakes his head)
Steph: ok here it is, NBA League Pass?
Bill: I can see we’re going to be here all night.

Can somebody please tell me what the fuck they are talking about? This is a nightmare of a commercial and it makes both of them seem even more retarded than they previously were. One of my gravest fears is to be stuck in an elevator with these two dimwits with Walton making love to Stephon using his stupid catch phrases.
“_________ is the greatest player I have seen in a long time”
“Look at the poise by _____”
“My kid is about as good of a player as humanly possible”

It’s not exactly Picasso I’m drawing up.

3. Brad Pitt
Looking from afar and not knowing much about this particular topic, I doubt Pitt did any of this.

But grab a napkin and imagine…..


You’re Brad Pitt and your relationship with Jennifer Aniston is starting to sour a bit. Aniston makes you go pick up some apples at the grocery store. So whatever, just as long as you leave the house and you don’t have to listen to the nagging (but hot) wife. At the grocery store, you’re grabbing apples when you see none other than Angelina Jolie wearing some Tomb Raider outfit. She says,
“How ‘bout them apples?”
“Oh yeah, those are nice and ripe. I’ll still have to rub them down to get them polished up” you reply. Before you know it, you both are connecting in the grocery store and making plans to see each other again.

After a couple weeks of seeing Jolie, you realize how much of a wild, exciting woman she is and you crave the days you were a bachelor because…YOU’RE BRAD-FUCKING-PITT afterall. Knowing that things are getting rougher with the wife, do you…

A. Break things off with the wife and hang out with Angelina?
B. Try and patch up the relation ship with Aniston?


Me? “Great moments come from great opportunity” as said by Herb Brooks in Miracle. And I know that you HAVE to make the most of them. So here’s my idea,

Go for the threesome. You have to!!! Things are ending up bad with the wife and maybe, just maybe Aniston will be interested in the idea because how many times does one have the chance to be in a Pitt, Jolie threesome?

Then Jolie, may be thinking, ‘Damn, I could tell my grand children about the threesome I had with Pitt and Rachel Green!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The imagination is now probably running wild at this time and rightfully so. If it were me and Jolie and Aniston were already in the same room,

Tom(walking up to the room knowing they’re both present)
Penis: blahwahahablahbahablahabhbhbahlablablah…blah..wahbluhblah

Tom: Ladies, give me a couple more minutes please. I’ll be right back.

Later I’m walking back to the room and can hear them laughing.
Penis: jimmytimmjimmychimmytimmyjimmytimmy-timmyjimmychimmy…jimmytimmy…tim

Tom: Ladies, again I’m sorry, give me some more time.

Yet later, I walk back into the room and one is on top of the other
Penis: rabble-rabblerabblerabblerabblerabblerabble-rabble….rabblerabble….rabble


See, I don’t even know if I could even take a scene like that without causing serious pain to myself in the form of a heart attack. However; after such an occasion a heart attack would only be appropriate because you’ve just reached the pinnacle of your life! What else would you need to do in life?

It’s the ultimate swan song!

4. Johnny Carson’s death
Carson is one of my favorite comedians. He had a wide variety of comedy without using shock. He didn’t have a 'bit' that he milked to death like other comedians did and he never was a media whore like Magic Johnson or Dick Clark. Since his retirement in '92, he stayed out of the limelight rejecting numerous offers for appearances. I easily empathize with him because he hated large crowds and felt uncomfortable talking about himself around others. Yet he still managed to be featured on network television for 30 years, five nights a week. He rarely did interviews and kept close with everyone important to him.

I never knew the guy, but one my favorite comedians.

5. Owners who appear in their own commercials
I really hate how owners perform the voice-overs in radio and tv commercials. These owners have terrible lisps and horrible body language. Not to mention that their voice is vomit worthy. Why would anyone think that because the owner is on tv, that anyone would be encouraged even moreso to shop at his or her store?

One local commercial I do like is where this fat dude is dressed up as Indiana Jones and he’s singing and dancing to some goofy song. That’s cool and even though I don’t need any carpeting, I just may end up buying a square foot because of the singing, dancing, and the get up.

Good times.

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