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Thursday, January 13, 2005

Doughnuts, I Like Doughnuts

Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles

Here's how much of a nerd I am. I'm nerdier than H. Damn!

I am nerdier than 20% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

So H thinks that ‘back in the day’ he could’ve taken me in an eating contest. Pfff back in the day, I didn’t know any better. Back in the day I’d eat tons of everything knowing full well that heredity was totally in my favor. I could’ve tackled a 72oz steak at 4pm knowing full well that I would shat that whole 72ounces at 10pm. It was great!

Now that I’m a little older and wiser I know that I may have slipped a little on my eating styles.

Not that I am ‘wise’ or anything. Basically all I know now is that,

If you eat right,
You shit right! (The More You Know)

I learned that little nugget from my second eating conquest in Gatlinburg, TN.

I was on a backpacking trip with about 13 other students from the UofM and we were on our way to spending spring break ’02 backpacking in the Smokey Mountains of TN. We were more than happy to leave the overcast days of Minnesota for sixty degree weather and we were eager to see what the hiking was going to be like in TN.

I was curious about something else, the taste of Krispy Kreme doughnuts because I knew we would be passing by some towns that had these doughnuts that I heard so much about.

The trip took about 26 hours of straight driving and just about the whole time, I would tell everyone about the all the legendary tales (I heard) about Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Then another would join in and tell all of us about a tall tale they heard about these glorious doughnuts.

After the first couple stories, we knew that we would have some krispie kreme doughnuts if it was going to kill us! That and the Waffle House, we never been there either.

For those of you that haven’t been to Gatlinburg, it’s probably the 2nd greatest place on Earth for people over 50 (next to Branson MO.) If you’re younger, the place is a nightmare. Confederate flags were flown everywhere! Terrible country music everywhere (not that I’m against country, it’s the ‘redneck’ country I don’t care for), traffic everywhere, and tourist stores EVERYWHERE.

Gatlinburg is the ‘gateway city’ to the Great Smokey Mountains in the Southeast portion of TN. Gatlinburg is unfortunately the city you need to endure in order to enter the Great Smokey Mountains.

Anyway, as we were heading into Gatlinburg we were stuck on this god forsaken US Highway 441 that runs RIGHT INTO the heart of Gatlinburg. This fuckin highway had stoplights every quarter mile for about (it seemed like) ten miles! We already hated Gatlinburg at this point, but we figured such a goofy town should probably have a Krispie Kreme somewhere.

They had one and we were loopy from 26 hours of being stuck in a van, so we cheered for about a half hour because it took that long to see it and sit through the lights to get there.

When we got there, we ordered endless amounts of doughnuts and drank tons of milk.

That’s when Teal and Ben started talking trash about who could eat four doughnuts the fastest. It went on and on and it was starting to sound like ‘Name That Tune’ with one person saying,
“ I could eat four doughnuts in 50 seconds”
“yeah well, I could eat four doughnuts in 45 seconds” and it just went nowhere.

Finally I said,
“Guys let’s just buy a dozen doughnuts and see who could eat four doughnuts the fastest?”
Agreed, and then Jeff came in on the deal because he had four doughnuts he needed to finish.

Here are the pics,

This is the Krispy Kreme place

This is me posing in front of doughnuts (much like a strip joint)

This is all of us starting to eat (Ben's with the beard, Jeff's got the Michigan cap, and teal is the one on the right)

It was hard to down these doughnuts (45 seconds, YEAH RIGHT!!!) and I was eating so fast that I nearly puked all over everyone. According to observers, my face shot white and then I got my composure back. Here’s me nearly puking

Guess who won?

And guess who’s going to brag?

The deal was that the winner would get their dinner paid for by the group, but at that point I didn’t feel like eating anymore. After all, I did have seven doughnuts altogether and I had to go backpacking the next morning.
I’ve never gone backpacking with the shits and I didn’t want to start now. I mean I’m great at camping because I can go a week without taking a dump! My Colon and mind work together as well as Tourvil and Dean!

That night, at the campsite, I found out that seven Krispie Kreme doughnuts are like grenades on the stomach. I was holding on for dear life!

Anyway, I was able to hike with pride and It was the most and fastest amount of krispey kreme doughnuts I ate in my life.

The End.


Anonymous said...

We gonna go camping this summer? I gotta be at Rocky Mtn Natnl we should go camping after that sh*t is done with. Also, Krispe Kremes are both gross and disgusting at the same time, impressively. I've eaten them and will eat no more of them.
Eating contest at Khan's, you heard the stories. But I don't think I could do it anymore.


Boof said...


That doesn't sound like the heart of a champion now does it?

To hell with marathons. H, we're gonna train for secretive suburban eating contests amongst a nation of goofballs. We'll call it the national dolt eat a thon tour sponsored by Lifetime fitness.
We're gonna build up so much pride that we'll die at the tender age of 32 and christen every shatter from coast to coast. It's going to be the male version of Thelma and Louis.

[officer behind us]: PLEASE PULL OVER. No one was supposed to eat 134oz of sirloin steak and the gaull to ask for another one is asinine! It was a stupid gimmick.

TOM (eating steak): Come on H. We're so close to the border! Hold my hand!

H: The fuck you talking about? We're inside and nowhere near any border.

Boof said...
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Boof said...
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Eric Wormann said...

Dunkin Donuts is so much better than Krispy Kreme. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

Anonymous said...

why do all of your fantasies involve latent homosexuality or "thelma and louise" type scenarios. You're so not gay.

Waylon Smithers

Boof said...

I had that dream again last night. You know where that special person floats in from the window.