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Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Illustrious Four Pack?

Said I don’t want to see you lonely
You gotta make me change mind
I don’t want anyone to squeeze me
They might take away my life

It’s now time to rate some hot babes which sinks this blog to the extreme depths of Wisconsin.

Today I don’t have any theme per se, I’m just going to throw some people at you.

Also, these are women that people already dub as ‘hot’ so I don’t think Sarah Jessica Parker is going to care if I call her gonzo a couple times on a stupid blog.

Also to recap, the scale is as follows

1-10; 1 being highly overrated, skankaholic, way too damn skinny, ran over by the ‘ugly’ bulldozer, ran over by a herd of cattle at a young age of 6… but who am I kidding? I’d still speedbang her!

Also (and this is very much subjective) four points
Cute- someone who looks good in everything
Beautiful- like wearing a evening gown jaw dropping stuff
Pretty- That girl that sits in front of you in Calculus
Hot- That girl that sits next to you and you can’t focus on Calculus because she’s eating a cheeseburger and talking about old school cartoons while wearing black leather.

And sometimes these women will take that illustrious four pack.

Lets start

Scarlett Johansson
I think she’s very overrated—AS AN ACTRESS. As a hottie, I see it. She’s got the tools and I think she defines the term ‘pretty’. She looked good in ghostworld. She looked AWESOME in The Man Who Wasn’t there (and that was in black and white wearing 50’s clothes). Lost In Translation was memorable for the opening segment with the ass shot. The character she usually plays in movies (and it seems like she plays the same character) seems to be a subtle everyday woman. However; sometimes she does have a tendency to drop down a notch.
7.5 and pretty with potential for beautiful

Paris Hilton
Probably the most famous, untalented, rich skank out there. She’s WAY too skinny and posh for anyone I know of to like her. I don’t even care for her face either; the eyes tell me that she’s associated with satan (and it’s probably true). She’s got to eat a burger or something. The only thing that makes her attractive is the money. BTW her sister looks worse in my opinion. Maxim can’t even save her.
2.5 and really skanky

Nicole Richie
The show, The Simple Life was proven to be a sham when Hilton was on Letterman one night, so why is it worth watching. Two prissy, ugly beotches screwing shit up in a small town. WOW. It was probably the only time that an ass was blurred out and I was happy about it. Richie looks like a regular woman only much worse. She doesn’t touch any of the four categories and approaches on nasty. She reminds me of a lot of annoying people and none of them were ever attractive. Who the hell was Lionel screwing around with 23 years ago?

Thea Andrews
Who? Thea Andrews is co-anchor on Cold Pizza, which is ESPN’s version of a morning show. Whenever Andrews is interviewing anyone, she has this look on her face….OH LORD. Then she bobs her head and gives that strong and bold smile.

I can’t continue…You gotta check her out! (eh, I couldn't find a decent pic so just take my word for it)
10 cute, pretty, beautiful…..and she could be hot if she wanted too.

Brigette Nielson
VH1, you’re killing me! For a network that feeds off of MTV (who makes the world seem a little fatter) you really do make it a point to show her whenever possible. In fact VH1 has made a spinoff with her and Flavor Flav.
Why? We know that Flav is fuct up and he has poor taste in women, but what’s the point? Nielson is way past her prime. She is UGLY!!!! Uglier than SJP. Yes, I just said the unthinkable. I don’t find anything attractive on this woman.
Flava, you can do BETTER!!!!
0 (I’d never tap that… ever!)

Jennifer Garner
Hmmm I don’t know…*examines and taps his finger* Hannes and his crew has already expressed their opinions of Garner. Hannes even went as far as to say that Elektra is too “ass-heavy”.

This is tough, I gotta break this down even more. K, she’s not a 10 (that’s for sure) and she’s definitely not Nielson material either. The tough part is that with every good picture you see of her there’s another close up of her ‘manly’ face and the globs of make-up on her face. She did look great in Catch Me if You Can and I thought she did a stand up job in Daredevil (although most of the credit must be given to the black Elektra pants). I’m going to have to give series of numbers
(5-7) she could be cute, and/or beautiful

Julia Stiles
I’m actually a fan of Stiles. She has these cartoon looking eyes-you know where the pupil seems to be the whole eye. I think her voice (of all things) is one of her best qualities in that it doesn’t sound so girly that you may wonder not if she was molested as a kid, but who did the deed? Uncle, neighbor, Mailman?
She looked damn good in “A Guy Thing”
I’m going to be bold and give her…
8 (but it’s weird because I can’t associate any of the four criteria to her. Huh, crazy!)

Drea De Mateo
She plays Joey’s sister in “Joey” and she’s got some vital tools, butt, midsection, and a good vibe but her face looks like a Morning After White castle eating contest. Her eyes are all screwed up. She totally fits in the category of ‘looks good from far away’ as in about 50’ or so. If she were in my face right now, I would probably go…
4 because of the ‘tools’

Sarah Jessica Parker
I know I already rated her, but I need to revise my previous rating I gave her.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW… I give her a 1 (instead of the 1.5) because those Gap commercials make her nose look bigger. It’s unbelievable in that Gonzo already had a big nose but those full-on frontal face shots make it look like the Japanese are ski jumpin’ off that deal. In a related issue, the Sphinx called, and it want's it's nose back


til tomorrow

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