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Monday, January 03, 2005

I'm Losing My Mind

(Clouds roll by, reeling is what they say, or is it just my way?)

Man, did I eat a lot!

These past couple weeks all I have been doing is eating and crapping. Between the delicious meatballs and doughnuts that melt in your mouth, it’s really hard to stick to anything even close to a diet.

I didn’t even try to let up at all. New Years Eve I was even pacing myself a bit so I could eat more later on. See, last year I tried to take the entire food table in a direct, head-on assault but the table got the best of me—as did the thunderbucket.

Nah this year I was wasn’t holding back at all because I’m planning out a diet, another marathon, and maybe even scoring that porn star that works out at the same time I do. I don’t like calling them resolutions because that’s just stupid. I call them,

‘Things I Gotta Do’.

And Hopefully, I’ll do them

Crappo Listo

1. 50 degrees on Thursday
Someone in the Mother Nature department really dropped the ball on that one. It should *never* get up to fifty fucking degrees on New Years Eve-Eve.
NEVER!
It was just all too crazy walking around without a coat and seeing green grass. We’re not talking Florida here, but MINNE-FUCKING-SOTA!!
The place where tongues go to die on metal polls.
The place where we have to shovel out house out of the snow.
The place where we depend on the ‘first snow’ to teach us how to drive.

Nah, FIFTY!!!

How the shit do we go skiing in that? How are we supposed to scare off those southern pansies that are afraid of anything north of the 40th parallel? How are we supposed to look crazy when the Miami Heat come up for a Saturday afternoon round of ‘hoops and it's fifty?

I mean cold weather can be a little fun. I cant wait to tell my grand kids about the time I went to buy Doritoes in a –72 wind chill. Then there was the time we went up north when it was about –30 and the slopes were, ‘SKI AT YOUR OWN RISK’

That’s crazy!

Then I always like to test the anti-lock breaks in grocery store parking lots. Only to receive those triple takes by old people whom are about ready to have a heart attack when they see someone slipping on ice. (Imagine that!)

Not to mention that I can frolic in the snow like a mad motherfucker!

2. Totally getting your ass handed to you in a normal conversation
So I walk over toward Bill last week at work. Bill knows just about everything and he’s always a good guy to talk to because he’s stuck at work like everyone else.
Last week we were talking about the whole tsunami story that happened in… you know the story. Anyway, the conversation moved toward world population and then to gas consumption.

Tom: yeah, well we should be looking into cleaner energy…it’s stupid that we use gas just because it’s cheap and profitable
Bill: NO! We use gas because it’s the best thing….

(and he fuckin when on and on for about 15 minutes going into BTU difference in different energy sources and studies and studies…which he didn’t cite.)

Tom (after that long winded explanation): Well, gas is only going to get more expensive.

(because the general reasoning being that it’s a non-renewable resource and there’s only so much left. Not thinking that the local 7-11 will come down 2 freakin cents from the day before)

Bill: Actually no, it’s going to be cheaper because….
(at this point it was 11:30pm and I was about ready to bawl (like a man) and run to my car.

Damn, the dude could’ve given me a little slack! I’m not the master debater (zing) like I used to be.

3. my damn mind lately
I don’t know what the deal with me is, but I just feel kinda miserable lately. Sometimes everything seems hopeless and unattractive.


It’s not that I’m sick or that I’ve raped anyone...lately.

(A Bergblog all time low, rape jokes.)

nah, I just feel like a big damn dick and it’s been reflecting on the people I see everyday. I’m wondering if it has to do with the position of the Moon or that blazin’ wing that I had a month ago.

Anyway, sorry if I’ve been a dick.

4. Your playoff bound Minnesota Vikings

(clap:clap) YAY! Way to go you underachieving, overpaid fucko's. What a way to get into the playoffs, ass backwards! I was actually hoping that Carolina would win so the Vikes wouldn’t have to be ridiculed on TV next week. We almost gave up 28 points to Washington!

WASHINGTON!

What’s even sadder is that we almost had three 8-8 teams make the playoffs!

THREE!!!

Whats worse than that is that Tice will try and put a positive spin on this.

Um…POSITIVE?

Whats even worse than that is that we still have Tice for another year!

PENCIL FUCKER!!!

However; this was all before I found out that the Vikes were playing the Packers in the playoffs.

Which makes this week,

PACKER WEEK

If there was a way to end a season in a positive, satisfying manner, it would be to defeat the Packers in Green Bay so we can destroy their stupid story book ‘title town’ bullshit they try feeding people.

“The Packers have won ____championships thus making it ‘Titletown’”

Yeah well you know what, the Greeks kicked some ass too but you don’t hear us talking about them all the time. Last time I checked, a fuckin missile can seriously rattle the shit out of a phalanx of hairy dudes.

Wouldn’t it be great to pull ‘a Falcons’ when they beat God himself in Lambeau a couple years ago?
Wouldn’t it be great to be up 77-0 with 2:00 left in the game and still making 20+ passing plays?

The simple thought requires me to change my pants.
We’ll see, we’ll see.

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