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Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Pissing in the Sink

But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind

What an unusual day.

I’m sick and tired of living at home and with my Mom being unusually grumpy; I really needed to start looking for shacks.

I look in the paper and find one, call up the dude, and stop over to take a look at the place. The guy was really nice and showed me everything. He unexpectedly found my niche in that I like the outdoors and enjoy hiking. Well, he just happened to have a million miles of trails right next to the shack (apartment). Not to mention it’s by the lake that I spent a whole summer training for the marathon.

I decided that I liked the place and price and all he needed was to look at my renting history.

Cool

I come into work and tell ‘the guys’ about my new pad and they’re like,

Guys: Man, I remember that old place I used to live at on X street
Dumb Tom: oh really? That’s the place that I checked out today.
(They both just stare at me in shock)
S: DID YOU SIGN A LEASE!?
Dum Tom: No
S (heavily breathing): Then go over to ‘the landlord’ and tell him that you’re not interested.


Then came list after list of all the terrible, shocking tidbits about that place.

Before that conversation came a good two hours of day dreaming about my ‘new place’ and being away from home and sleeping in a respectable bed.

That dream quickly faded when the guys told me about this landlord was a sleaze bag.

I usually wouldn’t have committed so fast, but I just hate my situation living at home.


See the problem I have is renting vs. buying
Buying makes the most sense allowing your money to actually ‘go into’ something instead of throwing it away. Then there are the tax incentives and the sheer investment of a house is as good as it gets. Then there’s the sweet ass deal of selling and keeping that money tax-free (That could easily be $250k!)
It’s all fine and sweet but…
I don’t know what my situation is going to be in the next couple years and I’m too damn lazy and ignorant to fix water heaters and insulation problems (not to mention the other issues that come up).
It’s tough! If I purchase a house then my fabulous money bin is not swim able. Then again, if I rent out a sweet ass pad, I can still afford “Tom’s American Dream” and still have some money to invest or spend on Doritoes.

My American dream is to get a big-ass HDTV and a decent sound system so I can watch Apollo 13, Hero, and widescreen porn. That is, in fact, my paradise.

Not to mention having my own space to dance in my underwear and piss in the sink (hey, its in the genes—I’m half Wisconsin).

The dream wont be fulfilled at home. My Mom (and any other sane person) would put a stop to that.

And I feel guilty shelling out $700+ towards a new pad when it could be better spent
And it’s hard to commit toward a house and all the maintenance required.

A wee bit of a bind.

One thing that I have learned from my house/apartment hunting are the mortgage companies.

I remember a couple people nagging me in the past about how you should pay your bills on time so you can invest in a house in the future.

What a load of crap that is.
Mortgage companies are like little whores—they’ll pretty much give anyone anything the want. You could walk into the lobby of a mortgage company and hold up five bucks. Everyone will get on their hands and knees and look at the money.

Tom: HEY! Listen here, do I qualify for a loan?
Mortgage crowd: RUFF, RUFF. Yes, take whatever you want!
Tom: Can I buy this million-dollar home?
Mortgage crowd (stands up and starts acting normal): yeah of course you can, even though we know you can’t afford it, we’re still the ones that’ll fuck you good in the end. We’ll give you a good 12% interest rate to top it off. Now sign this sheet and blammo, you’re fuct!



5 comments:

Hog said...

Where is this place you were looking at?
And what kind of stuff does this landlord do that makes them such a sleaze?
Don't leave us hanging here Berg.

Boof said...

Oh sorry,

The ad in the paper stated that it was Maplewood when it is in fact the 'East Side'. Just south of the Maplewood bowling alley. The place looked alright and had a good price ($525).

Anyway, S was saying that the landlord would never fix anything and S had a bunch of mold in his apartment. Apparently the county housing dept. has been notified endless amount of times about him not fixing shit.

yeah, one of 'those' landlords

He also went on to say that his key worked in other people's doors, which is very scary especially when i want to live my 'American Dream'


S tends to whine and exagerate a bit, but still, i dont want to be committed six months to an asshole who lies and doesn't give a shit about his tenants.

As of right now, I'm leaning toward a hizzy.
I don't know

Hog said...

Well I wouldn't put anything past one of those "eastsiders". You know they're just a bunch of savages.
But hey, if you lived there maybe Billy Idol would stop by and give you some lovin' and spray her AIDS all over you.
Then you can write a song about it or something. How does "She Left Her AIDS All Over Me" sound?
Just something to think about. Well now that I've done my AIDS joke for the day, I'm off.

Eric Wormann said...

When I had a "beard" (I use the term loosely) my friend said it looked like I dipped my face in a bucket of AIDS.

Boof said...

lol, that's fuckin funny.
the jokes are growing like wildfire!