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Monday, January 17, 2005

Stupid Pie!

And I know
what your heart desires
But you can’t take it with you
Into the fire

It was an alright run.

The only thing that saved this year’s Vikings team was that win over the Packers last week. As a result, I think that Randy Moss has quietly established himself as one of the most funniest athletes.

Seriously, the guy is kinda hilarious in a sick way.
Lets look back of all the thuggin’ things he has done…

Back in the day he…
-beat the crap out of another high school kid, ending his Notre Dame Scholorship
-got kicked out of Florida St. because he smoked marijuana (because FSU is so ‘clean’)
So that got him stuck at Marshall.

Nothing terribly funny about that except here’s a guy who’s got it made but he keeps fucking it up in stupid ways.

Then he comes to the NFL and he…
“…play[s] when he wants to play” which is a really stupid thing to say.

Squirts a ref with a water bottle. I think this is somewhat funny seeing as he was fined $25,000 for such an incident is funny in a stupid way. It’s funny like slap stick comedy is funny because of all the stupid things to waste your money on. Then the journalists always have to bring it up that he was fined for squirting and official with water. It would be like me squirting someone from OSHA for him pointing out me not wearing safety glasses.

OSHA dude: and you should be wearing safety glasses when you enter a lab.
Berg: pfff go to hell man! Bad call. Bad call. (squirt)

Then he’d just stand their drenched and wonder if I really DID drench him with water because who does that?

Then he hit a traffic cop in a parking garage while he was ‘rockin the ganje’. I admit this is also stupid, but as much as it is stupid its really god damn funny. I mean don’t we all just wanna hit these people? Plus it sets up a scene that we’ve only seen in movies like Half Baked and Friday. Hell, even throw in the afro and you go yourself a movie right there!
On top of all that, I bet he was even drinking orange pop and eating a bucket of chicken while doing so as referenced in Undercover Brother. Pfff why not, it’s my damn imagination!

Then there’s the mooning incident which is funny and has been talked to death.

Then last Friday…

Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."
Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"
Moss: "Straight cash, homey."
Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"
Moss: "No, cause it ain't shit. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't shit … Next time I might shake my dick."

He did this whole conversation while walking to his SUV wearing a hood over his head and a big ass grin on this face all while sporting that awesome Afro.

When I first saw this on TV, I fell on the floor laughing and I started ending all my sentences with ‘homey’.
Fabulous! Even for a blue-collar guy like me, I thought this was side-splitting humor.
I’m not making fun of the guy; I just think he’s a riot. Moss is just playing with the media and the media is pretty much his bitch. I love it

Anywho, how bout them Pats? Good lord, they held one of the most high octane, working on all cylinders, prolific, red hot, and any other cliché you can think of-team that has been around. And the Pats only give up 3?

Next weeks games are going to be incredible!

I got a ton of crap to give you.

Da list

1. People on the roads who drive slow to gawk at a crash.
OK, you’re on the freeway and it’s been reduced to one lane because of an accident creating instant rush hour traffic. You’ve been waiting 10 minutes already when you finally come to the scene. By this time, I don’t care what the hell happened, I just want to get going. But no, the old dude in front of you has to drive even slower because he wants to see some blood and caution tape, so he drives even slower. The guys is IDLEING THOUGH THE CRASH SCENE!

Dude, you got a hundred cars behind you and if you wanted to see this crash, YOU’D BUY A NEWSPAPER!!! I absolutely hate this because he’s got daylight in front of him, but he insists on gawking! It would be like Brian Westbrook waiting for Jon Runyan to move his ass because Runyan’s gawking at someone who strained their hamstring.

I wouldn’t mind if he was gawking at Shakira shaking her ass on the median or Eva Longoria and Nikki Cox havin’ their way with each other on a Cadillac, BUT NOT FOR A DAMN CRASH!
Man, I hate that!

2. Old Minnesota People and Female Basketball
I know I have mentioned this before, but WTF? My parents are the biggest factor behind this point because they LOVE gopher women’s basketball. They know when they are playing; they know the players, and THEY EVEN GO TO THE GAMES!!! In fact, they’ve always watched the girls high school basketball tournaments.

It just boggles my mind and pisses me off for some strange reason.

I’m not against women playing sports, but it’s like watching basketball in slow motion.
And they’re not the only ones; it seems like all the old, white people in Minnesota love girls’ basketball! Lindsey Wahlen sits on the right hand of Kirby Puckett in terms of Minnesota sports heros.
It’s beyond me.

3. American Idol
I can honestly say that I have never watched a complete episode of this gawd awful show.
When will people learn that everyone that has a ‘great voice’ all sound the same? All the ‘great’ singers have those annoying frills and their vocals doing really fast loopty loops during each song while they wave their palms everywhere. All while seemingly taking a facial dump in their low rise pants and pink boots.

Now, it’s one thing to be a ‘great’ singer, but it should be a completely different story for MUSICIANS (AKA: people who CREATE their own music) and a lot don’t necessarily have a good voice. I mean, Bob Dylan didn’t have the pipes of Sebastian Bach and certainly Roger Waters is NOT a good singer, but they still managed to sell some of the highest selling albums of all time.

Simon, Paula, and the other dude just look for prototype singers and never look at creativity.

Or something like that.

4. Backbreaking Hands in Poker
So now all of my buddies have poker fever and we’ve been playing just about every weekend.
[As a side note, I have made it to the final two, or the final table in each of the last four ‘tournaments’ AKA, I rock!]
Anyway, it’s down to three people and we’ve all god hands that rock, evidenced by us throwing all our money in the middle. I had three tens with my pocket tens, so I thought I would be rolling in the money.
Shaun lays his hand down; two pairs… aww damn, but THAT DOESN’T STOP THE THREE TENS BUTTHOLE! YEAH!!!
So, I’m still feeling good. Nick then puts down his seven or something and I’m pretty much counting my winnings.

HE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING STRAIGHT and he lays it down like,
“Oh look at this, I think I just won!”

And for review,
Straight (Nick) beats…
Three of a kind (Tom), which beats…
Two pair (Shaun)
And this all happened in the last hand of the game.

5. The Deception of Pie
Before all this poker fiasco started, we all were watching football when this commercial (which features pie) popped up.

Tom: Damn I could go for some pie homeys.
Marc (looks over inquisitive): You serious? Because, I could really go for some pie too.
Tom: Damn right I’m serious! I’d pay straight cash, homey!

So we then talked about pie for a good half hour while watching some football. Finally we decided that we couldn’t take anymore.

So we got French Silk and Banana Cream. Great choices!

Oh it was good and I had to have seconds because it hit the spot.
After I had about four slices of pie, I had this sick Augustus Gloop-like feeling and that I would fall over and die.
Because after all, pie is not pizza in that the first slice is as good as the last.

No, Pie is something that you can only have one slice of because if you don’t, it stabs you in the back and you feel like it betrayed you.

Pie is the god damn devil…homey.

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