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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

White Castle Devastation

On a long and lonesome highway East of Omaha
You can listen to the engine moaning out that same ole song
You can think about the woman
Or the girl you knew the night before

White Castle burgers (or "sliders" as some people call them) are a phenomena which I cannot understand. These burgers that they make are the most addicting fast food drug you can find. I grew up never eating there because I associated these burgers with those nasty school lunch hamburgers that didn’t taste a lick like beef. Finally I had some, and then I had to have more, and then MORE. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I go there every week or even every month, but when I do go, I have to plan ahead.

These burgers are unlike any other burgers in that they put a lot of onions on them. These onions are like severely toxic and not in the Britney Spears way either. Nah the day after Whities is a day that I stay inside and fart in a blanket because the stench is so terrible. I could easily fumigate our old hizzy with such terribly gas.
It’s so bad that even taking a piss smells bad. Yes, these onions you digest are everywhere in the body.

White Castles are usually open 24hours, which means that they get the weird fuct up crowd. This includes; stoners, drunks, bi-polar, dorks, and deadbeats because Perkins is too high class for some people. One time we I swore we saw Bert Blyleven at 2am and then another time there was this dude wearing a sheriff’s kid badge telling everyone what to do.

It’s white Castle anyway

The White Castle story…

Marc, Tony (betterthanbergblog…idiot), Nick, someone else, and myself decided that we’d have a White Castle eating competition. We were coming back from their cabin and I told them that I could probably eat an entire crave case for which they believed me after eating all those triple cheeseburgers.

So Marc and I went to white Castle to order five crave cases (thirty burgers). Marc ordered two and I ordered three.

And the looks that were coming my way were great!

One woman after picking her brain for a couple minutes finally approached me and asked,

“What are you going to do with all that?”
“Well I’m going to eat it of course.” I said.
“How many is that?” she fired back.
“All of it about 90 burgers all together.”

To which I wasn’t going to eat three crave cases, but I just wanted to get a reaction out of her.
And I did, she was completely bewildered and probably sharted herself.

I was the only one that ordered cheeseburgers because I will NOT eat a hamburger.
So we get back to Marc’s place and what’s fun about crave cases is that you can have your own pretend business meeting with the way they package the shit.

It’s like a cardboard briefcase of pure goodness and I like to sit at a table until someone insults me and I close up my briefcase of whities and tell them “..that this meeting is OVER.”

I feel exponentially special after a scene like that.

Anyway, we started and it came down to Nick and me. I already ate about 15 and he was staying right up there with me. After about 17, everything hit me like a ton of bricks and it was getting harder with every bite. Then I had to stop at (22 I think) and sure enough, Nick ate 23, which really pissed me off.

Nick, if you will remember, is always the one that beats me in poker. In fact the first time I met him, he nailed me with a hockey stick.

What an ass!

There you go, it’s not a proud moment in my life, but I certainly learned from the experience.

You can talk all you want about white castle hamburger eating contests, but unless you win it’s not worth the time, effort, weight, and the methane.

Thursday I’ll be rating some more fabulous babes!

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