He dreamed of a big star
He played a mean guitar
He always ate at the steak bar
He loved to drive in his Jaguar
So welcome to the machine
Yeah, I know I’m a day late (and a dollar short) but last night was pretty rough on the ole bergbody.
Instead of the boring way food is consumed, I like to think of a surly laborer working in my stomach. Whenever fruits and vegetables come down the esophagus, this laborer ends up having a good day with such easy digestable food and doesn’t end up beating the shit out of his wife and kids when he comes home for the day.
Yesterday, when this surly fellow saw endless amounts of white castle hamburgers coming down the shoot, I can only imagine that he said something like,
“Ah, okay Berg. You fuck we me, I’ll fuck you!” And proceeded to summon all the enzymes to ‘go to town’ all while waving the finger at my brain.
the bad times started like this…
…I then started to slow up. I couldn’t eat anymore and my body had enough of what I was doing to it. I immediately stood up hoping that my stomach filled to the brim of white castles would feel just a little better, but it didn’t work. Dizziness started to set in with a shivering cold sweat. People were talking, but I couldn’t hear anything because I was way beyond the point of beef headaches and the subtle uncomfortable feeling that comes over anyone when they ate a little too much.
I went for the bathroom and preceded to let go of something, anything that would leave my body to make room for my stomach jammed with White Castles. I sat down and as the bathroom was spinning, I had second thoughts about this “White Castle eating contest”.
“What was I thinking?”
After all, this is what generally happens after you eat 24.5 White Castle hamburgers in a span of about twenty minutes.
It started out perfectly; the Whities were on time, everyone was really damn hungry, and we had a good ten people at the apt. Once the first commercial aired we all started chomping down. I started out fairly decent eating burgers with finesse. Surprisingly, Hog’s girlfriend kept a pace of one burger ahead of me for much of the beginning stages. Marc and Shaun immediately bowed out by sharing a crave case. SHARING!
Nick decided that he wouldn’t compete because he wanted to savor the burgers. Hog’s girlfriend decided that 12 would be plenty. Tony ended up almost beating me at the very end because I was in the bathroom moaning on the toilet when he was frantically stuffing his face before the second half kickoff. However; he ended up with a total of 23 sliders before the second half kickoff.
The champion of the White Castle eating contest went to me, BERG!!!!
[CUE: One Shining Moment]
Nah, It was really surprising how my body just threw in the towel all of a sudden. It was like a tractor pull in that the end rapidly came about.
The media talks about the DYNASTY that is the New England Patriots but I had my own dynasty that I flushed down the toilet by means of a courtesy flush earlier today.
With all this dynasty talk, I think this would be an appropriate time to talk about my retirement to eating competitions. Ah, it’s just not worth it anymore to me. I mean I don’t have anywhere to go but down from here. Might as well leave on top.
1. Those stupid Pepsi ads.
Maybe it’s because I’m a devout Coke drinker or maybe it’s just because I haven’t seen a decent Pepsi commercial in a long time, but these ads suck ass! First off, they’re spending 2.5 million on these garbage, stupid, happy commercials. Then, they got P-Diddy staring in one and then they have Carson Daly appearing later. Talk about crap! Whenever the Superbowl heads into commercials, everyone leans forward in their chairs just to see something good. When you see the Pepsi symbol right away, it makes you want to lean back and fast forward because their commercials appeal as much as the Ashley Simpson’s voice.
All their commercials rank from stupid to okay and I can’t remember one funny ad.
2. NFL’s reaction to censor everything
Part of the reason why Pepsi and other ads weren’t all that great is because they had to appeal to the NFL’s conservative yet hypocritical standards. Nah, I don’t want to see Andy Rooney’s butt, I would like to see that godaddy.com commercial that was supposed to air at the end of the game. I mean what’s next? Cheerleaders? Women shouldn’t expose their ankles? Man, those ultra conservative people that bend over backwards over Janet Jackson’s nipple just need to watch a porno movie sometime and get it out of their system.
3. The morning after the competition.
The morning after was somewhat equivalent to a beef induced hangover. I woke up with this god-awful onion breath and flatulence that seems to double the size of the ozone layer. I drank water and I brushed my teeth but that terrible onion taste would never leave the mouth. I then took a wazzer and the smell of the wazzer completely overcame me. Everything that was leaving my body had the awful stench of white castles.
It was awful!
I then went to the nearest grocery store looking for these old cherry Certs containers that I once had six years ago. Clearly I am out dated in my breath mints because I couldn’t find any Certs to save my slider filled life! I’m running around the grocery store waving my arms in the air until I found Jolly Ranchers.
4. The nice surprise that was left in my apt after the Superbowl party.
At around 11pm or so the last couple people were leaving my apartment. After I closed the door I found the most horrifying sight for my eyes at that time.