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Monday, February 14, 2005

A Care Package? For Me?

Another door to peek into
The floor is filthy but the couch is clean
At the end of the day another day gone
But life is short

Some of the funniest material I have ever heard has come from extreme rightists, the band Creed, and women. For most people, just the sight of monkeys will, at the very least, put a grin on their face or make someone break out in knee slapping laughter.

I don’t know if my three examples come from direct moral differences or the fact that they simply are funny.

For example, Hog’s gf Danielle, throughout the week was so worried about my living conditions that she was trying to set up a care package complete with pots, pans, and measuring cups. It took some reassurance from Hog to get Dani to drop the whole idea because, it’s not like I’m living in a Doritos bag…yet. When I saw her this last weekend she pleaded her case with,

“But what if you ever decide to cook dinner for a girl at your place?”

*shakes head and grins* hehe it’s funny on a couple different levels.

Even if I were in that sort of quandary I would hire a contractor. Back in the Hizzy days, H was kicking around the idea of being this “self-help cooking guru-consultant” and making food for a romantic night in while dishing out pointers for the upcoming night. His brilliant idea was, take some dimwitted, average guy (me) and make food for him and his discount hooker for that evening all while giving advice on where to “stick it in”.

Lets say the dinner would start at 7pm, H would come over at 4 or 5 (depending on the meal) and proceed to cook whatever lovely and delicious idea you’d have right up until the date arrives. Then H would simply leave out the back door. When the date steps in and sees everything simmering, she’s gonna wanna eat and then be all over you. Success!

-great food
-great sex
-used up saran wrap
-no burnt pans or smoke filled kitchens
-H gets paid
-illegitimate twins in nine months

Of course, for long trips there would be per diem and I don’t know if H would be willing to come back and clean the dishes for an added bump in pay, but the idea is there!
I would have this done for free since I’m giving him all this advertising pro bono (or whatever)—to four people.

Of course if it turns out H gave bad advice, his services would be free, right?

Crap List

1. That stupid Verison Wireless “Can you hear me now?” crap.
Whenever I see that asshole in the glasses I want to throw my one beer glass at him. That stupid fuckin grin, that three step march to his next destination, and that “Good!” at the end. I can’t stand this guy. He reminds me of that Bare Naked Ladies guy who thinks he’s funny.

By far the worst part of these commercials is the sheer “catchiness”. I use a Nextel phone for work and I can be on top of the third highest point in Minnesota and STILL have ‘on and off’ coverage, which results in,

“Hey! Are ya there?” Walk five steps,
“Hello, can you hear me?” Turn 360 degrees
“Can you hear me now?”. At that point, there’s always someone that comes out of the woodwork and starts laughing and repeating,
“Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?” And laughs for about twenty seconds

2. The ongoing use of the word “poo”
I don’t like it one bit! I am old fashioned when it comes to subjects like this. Whatever happened to the word, “poop”? The word “poo” is just kinda sickening and really gross. Poo, it’s like the worst poop you’ve ever seen! Poo, it’s like a sick substance instead of something abstract the way you think of “poop”.

Message boards and blogs everywhere will have you think that the current paradigm in fecal naming is poo, but lets all make a stand and keep the extra P at the end.

3. Employees at Best Buy
Walking in to Best Buy,
“Hi sir, how are you?” Then when you give your response, they’re already looking elsewhere or talking to someone else. Fine. Later on in the music aisle,
“Can I help you with anything?”
“Nah, just looking around, thanks.” Then later on in the home audio department,
“Find everything you need?” ugh, shut up!
“Yeah, just looking around. Thanks.”

These multi billion dollar stores don’t have a clue as to how to help people. I wish Best Buy could just have their employees shut the hell up so I can shop and not have to be bugged by endless reassurance by dumb shits who drive Cavaliers with ugly, obnoxious spoilers attached.

4. Culvers cakes
Remember when Hog and I were running against each other for president? One of his major contentions was that Culvers cakes were much better than Dairy Queen cakes. We had a Culver’s cake this last weekend. They suck. They’re more expensive and they don’t even have that awesome fudge layer in the middle like the Dairy Queen cakes have. I mean yeah, we could have Culver’s cakes everywhere, but why when you can have Dairy Queen cakes?
Just doesn’t make a lick of sense to me!

5. People who complain about the Pro Bowl
Why the hell is Michael Vick in the Pro Bowl? He doesn’t deserve that?
WHO. CARES????? It’s the Pro Bowl for god’s sake! Does anyone actually watch this along with all the other horrible All Star games? The baseball one is ok, but it’s still an exhibition. People who complain about the Pro Bowl are just idiots who need to complain!

Til tomorrow

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

dude, you know my idea is solid, i wouldn't give advice on the date, helloo have you met me? but i would give you clever anecdotes on the cooking process, ice breakers for conversation - "can you taste the cinnamon?" for example. spread the word, i'm in as luda says 'bidness.'

you cooking for a girl, is funny to me on sooo many levels, maybe i'll describe the levels of funniness at my site.