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Monday, February 21, 2005

A Day Watching NASCAR

Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son

*Announcer voice*
BEAMING TO YOU LIVE FROM MY APARTMENT! Therefore, I will more likely keep my job a little longer and I can now start freely bitching about work
I'm also on instant messenger under the name "grotesktom".

I must admit that I am slowly getting addicted to the music by the Jackson 5/The Jacksons/early work by Michael Jackson. I’ve listened to ‘Dancing Machine’ about twenty times over the weekend.

More on that tomorrow because I got a lot of crap today.

Saturday, 12:45pm, The apartment

I just woke up because I didn’t have any plans as of yet. Wearing a decent 48-hour shadow, I quietly walked across my room in my tattered shorts to the kitchen and grabbed some bottled water. Outside it was really damn bright and I was all against opening up the shades because I was still in my “morning” mode and the slightest shock would send me into a twelve-hour bender. I melted on the couch and turned on the tv. I didn’t even turn on the sound because I was so lazy to walk across the room and pick up the remote, so I watched muted 80’s videos for about ten minutes.

That’s when I had an urge….

In my tattered shorts and baby beard, I stepped out on my balcony and yelled,

“TODAY, I’M GETTING MUTHERFUCKIN TIVO!!!!!!” When this old woman replied
“OK, but you might want to do something about those ugly ass herpes on your mouth!”.

Like a cockroach, I scurried out from the balcony and ran my ass to the bathroom to check out my herpes. Luckily it wasn’t herpes but a nice cute zit on the corner of my mouth.

Splat went that muthafucka

After I took my shower, I got in my car, busted out the Jackson 5, and was on my way to Best Buy.

Dancin’, Dancin’, Dancin’,…

Now I’ve done some research on the Tivo. I guess you need a phone line initially but then you can take it back to you home and hook it up to the broadband.

Cool, I got all that, so I bought it. I carried that nice orange box (insert fire-crotch joke here) and everyone was looking at me in awe. This punk-ass kid exclaimed,

“That guy over there with the herpes got Tivo!”

“You shut your god damn mouth!” I fired back.

Dancin’, Dancin’, Dancin’
back to my land lined parents house to set up my Tivo.

Hook up was easy enough, phone worked, and everything seemed to be working out great until…”Please call us up to engage your Tivo system”.

As I started to dial the phone, my parents decided to stop everything and watch me as I call up Tivo *sigh*.

Tivo has just about the most frustrating customer service, automated line with it’s voice activated service crap. Instead of “pressing 1 for English” you have to SAY “English”. As my parents are watching over me like a hawk; they’re hearing me say,


I finally got it working and it came time to set up the “cable box”, which was still at my place and I still needed the phone line.

This is where I got really frustrated and started guessing.

After everything was done at the parents place, I still needed to go to Best Buy again for a USB cable. So…

Dancin’, Dancin’, Dancin’,…
once again. Bought the cable and came back to set up the Tivo at my place.

I hooked up all the cables and got everything looking perfect until the mad fucker wouldn’t-god-damn work right. The link from my router to Tivo was NFG and I couldn’t’ even get live tv because…for all I know I fucked it up back at my place.

After mulling over it for a good 15 minutes, I finally resorted to calling Tivo customer service.


So I hung up and went online and figured I needed an adaptor. Which means…

Dancin’, Dancin’, Dancin’…

By now that zit has scabbed over into a nice, big, red bulge and my face was unusually dry. I was now looking like an all American meth-head frantically looking over computer parts with a 48-hour shadow.

When I got back to my place I pretty much gave up on the Tivo. I’ve heard by a lot of people that Tivo is the best invention ever and it was a piece of cake to set up.

You know, it’s probably the easiest damn thing to install if you have

  1. A land line
  2. A wireless network in your home
  3. A cable box WITHOUT HD capabilities.

The HD box doesn’t just have the red/white audio and yellow blue hookups. It’s got like three video hookups and they’re all completely different colors.

I don’t apply to any of the three examples. I have my cell phone, a “Wired” connection, and a HD box.

Yes, I could’ve bought a router and went that way, but fuck that! I’m done walking around Best Buy like a pushy meth-head.

So that was my Tivo experience.

2. Zits on the edge of your mouth
These are the most painful/ugly zits around. You have to pop these because the white head is *shudders* ugly and how is Kristen Davis supposed to lick my face with a fat white head on my lip?

So you then pop these beotches and crying like a manly man in the bathroom. Now, like I referred to earlier, you have this “meth” scar on the side of your lip. It’s at this point where you empathize with that herpes chick in that recent commercial.

I invited my Dad over on Sunday to watch the Daytona 500 because it was in HD. I don’t care for racing at all but my Dad, he loves that shit. Now I can’t mention my Dad and racing without mentioning that Dick Trickle is my Dad’s favorite racecar driver and it’s not because of his name. Also, “racecar” spelled backwards is “racecar” (the more you know).

So I was stuck watching stockcars making endless left-hand turns for about four hours. The thing that pisses me most of NASCAR is that most of the drivers don’t know dick about the car they drive.

REPORTER: So what happened to your car that it hit the wall?
CLEDUS: Er well, I think it might have something to do with der tires, blinker fluid, er maybe it was the vibrator belt that snapped.

If you grow up driving these vehicles and drinking Natural Light, you should know a little bit about the cars you drive. I mean COME ON!

Also, at the end of the race: Dale Jr. was in the lead and he pulls in front of this other hick and my Dad says,

“WHOOAAA, What a move!!!”

All he did was cut this other guy off? Big freakin deal!

Then there’s the drivers cam, which is nothing but the upcoming left-hand turn ahead. NASCAR has this pay-per-view deal that allows fans to see the driver’s cameras on 15 drivers…because…people want to watch 500 miles of track???

I don’t thing I’ll ever figure the NASCAR rubes out.

4. The NBA All Star Game
(I haven’t watched the game yet, but I know it will suck.)
With apologies to Lycradog, I actually am not a basketball fan. To me, basketball is a lot like Fig Newtons: I dont love them but if they're around, I'll eat 'em. Same thing with basketball, if it's on, I may eat it--er watch it.
I pretty much hate all all-star games because they’re supposed to showcase the best talent in the game. All the NBA All-star game is the damn “And 1” street ball tournament between over paid, dysfunctional pituitary glanded, whiners. This is the ugliest basketball game ever and it shouldn’t even be played. Even the slam-dunk and three-point contest the previous night are painfully boring. Are there any more dunks that haven’t been done yet? Actually I have one. It involves my asshole, a stick of chewing gum, and a bag of Doritoes—I call it “The MacGyver”.

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