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Thursday, February 17, 2005

The Great Apple Pie Strike of '79

Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
I'll come by

Good news…
I went to this new dentist and had no cavities. They had me fill out all this paperwork with questions like,

"Have you ever suffered from the following conditions?"
And it would list Heart disease, asthma, and the sort. The list was like full of about fifty conditions includeing nervousness and hives. I'm a Vikings fan and a chronic nail biter so-yeah, I get nervous and I have had the Hives before.

Later on in the dentist's room,

Dentist: Okay Tom, it says here you suffer from nervousness and Hives?
Berg: Yeah I checked that because everyone gets nervous. I thought it was a trick question.
Dentist: And when did you get Hives?
Berg: Oh, when i was about 11. I came home from school and I opened up a big bag of Happy's chips when I started breaking out all over my body.
Dentist: So what did you do about that?
Berg: I just finished the bag and continued watching Duck Tales for a half hour when the Hives were over.
Dentist looking confused: Okaaayyyyyyy

The pornstar is back!!! I saw her the other day and we exchanged glances and phone numbers!!! Well, she was there anyways.

Also, the NHL regular season has been officially cancelled.

No matter who’s at fault over this strike, Gary Bettman is going to come out a loser no matter what happens. Bettman is a thorough dumbass and he can easily be considered the main culprit for such a strike.

I must admit out of the four major sports, hockey has always been the sport that I never fully got into. One of the major reasons why I started liking the NHL is because the names were (and are) so cool to say--Bombadir, Pronger, Zholtok(RIP), Tkachuk, Zyuzin, Tugnutt, Taco, Roman Turek, and Klatt. I find myself saying those names whenever I can because it’s so fun to say "Zyuzin" or to imagine yourself being named Roman Turek.
If I were named Roman Turek, I’d never leave the house!

The names are a lot better than the nerdy names Golf has with: Love, Marsh, Peoples, Mickelson, Woods, Lehman, Triplett, and Parnevik ugh.

I remember when I was on the cusp of breaking into the hockey world when the North Stars made it to the Stanley Cup and learning about icing, cross checking, and off sides. The learning process was getting to be as natural as my understanding of football just a few years before that. I respected the tradition of the game. I respected the die-hard fans. I was even considering buying a Jon Casey jersey or that other Taco guy.

I was slowly turning into a hockey fan.

Then the unthinkable happened.

I thought it was a joke at first because…how can a hockey team from Minnesota move to Dallas? It didn’t seem moral, let alone, ethical. We then spent about seven years without an NHL team while cities like Miami, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Charlotte, and Nashville were already engaged in NHL goodness because Gary Bettman is a natural douche bag.

So it was after the North Stars moved when I said,
“Fuck this league” and paid more attention to basketball and watching whatever Transformers episodes I could find.

Then the Wild came about and started and it was all starting again.
Until today….

Sometime while the NHL was adopting all these cities and moving all these teams from Canada, there must have been a meeting where everyone involved was a complete dumbass except one person with common sense who everyone else would ignore.

Bettman: Is there any discussion about moving Canadian teams to the southern US?
Everyone looks at each other dumbfounded

Grimes: YES I AM! Are you guys that fucking stupid? It’s pretty much common sense that if you take hockey away from the cold areas and place them in the confederate flag-waving ones, it wont work! This is the stupidest fuckin idea ever!

Bettman ignoring Grimey: Okay, no one? Guys, were crossing the Mason/Dixon line!

Grimeys dies in his chair due to a severe overdose of ignorance.

Lets say the NHL does come back in time for next year. Are the fans really going to come back?

They sure as hell didn’t for baseball after the summer of ’94. I loved baseball at that time and even I took the 1995-year off of baseball because I couldn’t understand the strike--the strike that solved NOTHING by the way. America’s pastime was gone for a month of the ’94 season and a portion of the ’95 season (I think).

It took historic-steroid induced years by Sosa and McGuire to bring the fans back and some would argue that attendances still haven’t recovered from the ’94 strike.

Before the baseball strike, America suffered through another hardship with The Great Apple Pie strike during the Winter of ’79 where bakers everywhere were sick and tired of being overlooked and unfairly treated by the policies of Jimmy Carter. The strike lasted a total of two weeks and the result was thousands of people celebrating and procreating in the streets in heaping helpings of apple pie filling; hence my conception.

It was tough but we can manage to stay patriotic even when we’re without baseball and apple pie. Take away both, and the US would clearly be devastated to the point where terrible bands like Maroon 5 would top the charts.

When the NHL comes back, they’re seriously going to have to think about contraction. It’s not like the fans are going to welcome everyone with--*busts into a creed pose* ARMS WIDE OPEN.
Then, even if they agree on a 40-something million dollar salary cap would teams like the Red Wings (and their 80million+ payroll) have to drop kick half their roster? Talk about layoffs!

I think they should just can or move the teams south of the Mason/Dixon line because it’s just wrong to have hockey down that far except for that college team in Alabama—that’s just weird! I would say about four to eight teams should be relocated or shitcanned. For all those teams that were annihilated, there’d be a really cool contraction draft for all the legit teams!

That would be awesome.


Hog said...

You actually her number Berg?

Or was that in one of your famous daydream sequences?

The "Dreamweaver" scene from Wayne's World comes to mind for some reason.

Boof said...

hehe, nah I wish though. I wrote that so you could go,
"pfff yeah right!"