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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

State of the Apartment Address

you were full and fully capable
you were self sufficient and needless
your house was fully decorated in that sense

Today I “rescued” a guy from a broken elevator.
*stands up and puts hands on hips*

Just another day working at the ole MMM.

Sunday was not only the day of the Superbowl, white castle eating contest, and imaginary sex. It was also the day I ended up showing off my apartment.

I believe it was three years ago that I vowed I would never live alone after cleaning up my dorm room in Marshall, MN. Um… yeah that room was dirty even in my terms. If I can remember right, I couldn’t even see the floor. In fact, as I was cleaning the room, I found a drumstick in some corner. I didn’t even remember eating chicken in that room either.

I’ll let that sink in again.

I FOUND AN OLD DRUMSTICK IN MY ROOM. Who knows how long that thing was there?

My parents came in a couple days later and were horrified at the site of my room. I thought it looked really clean compared to the poultry ridden site a couple days earlier.

This Sunday, I had all the guys at my place; Hog, dumbass, shithead, ratboy, asshole, and dickhead all at my place. With a couple of them came their girlfriend/wife, which are indeed women, and human…I think.

Anyway football, beer, and white castles consumed the environment and with that, the women needed something to do.

As we were playing Madden 05, these women decided to act like raccoons in an open dumpster and rummage through my kitchen (which is where they should be!).

Mary: Tom, do you have a knife so I could cut these rice crispie bars?
I did and as I opened up my leatherman, Mary stopped me and asked if had a regular knife.
Berg: This is a regular knife. Hey, it’s all I got.
Danielle: You mean you don’t have any silverware?
Berg: Nah, I’m just going to take the stuff from the cafeteria at work.
Danielle & and Mary both look at me in shock

Then later on,
Danielle: Hey, where are your glasses?
Berg: Actually I only have one glass, it’s in my medicine cabinet.
Danielle: What? Where is your medicine cabinet?
I then open up this near empty cupboard that contained a beer glass and a small capsule of Tylenol.

Again, surprise…

Mary: What do you have in your fridge?
Berg: Look and see.
Mary opens up the fridge and finds nothing but beer.

Mary: When are you going to go grocery shopping?
Berg: I don’t know, when I get hungry maybe? I have a granola bar somewhere in that kitchen.

Later on in my bedroom, (haven’t heard that in awhile)

Women: You don’t even have a frame for this waterbed!
Berg: What the hell do I need one for? So I can sleep five more inches off the ground?

I actually reveled in all that bashing by the women because they can’t do anything about it. I know they had the urge to try and decorate it, but there's no women to boss me around (not yet anyway). Like I said before, I don’t know a damn thing about knick-knacks.

Man, I tell ya what. This place isn’t nearly as ghetto as my first dorm room where we had the tv propped up on boxes. Or the first apartment I live in where my cousin and me had boxes for end tables.

I’m actually trying like mad to keep this place civil and clean.

There are flashes of my old decoration style with a lot of pink floyd artwork here and there (which the women didn’t get), but the posters are nowhere to be found and the LP’s are put away (that’s what I’m going to decorate my laundry room with).

I have a dishwasher, which probably wont be needed and a microwave that I haven’t used yet either. Actually the only things I have consumed in that apartment are the white castles and a bag of Doritos (again, seriously!).

My place has all the essentials: Cable, beer, and a bed. What more does anyone need?

Actually, maybe I should hide a drumstick somewhere…


Anonymous said...

When I started dating your VP Sean, he didn't even have a bed. Or bedclothes He slept on the couch.

He did, however, own more than one beer glass. Thank god.

-VP's gf

Boof said...

haw haw what a redneck!

Nice to meet ya! Man, I haven't seen Sean in awhile. We all should get together sometime and have some brews. I'll bring my glass!

VP Sean said...

Fo' Sho'. We need to head to that crazy ass german place on a friday or saturday night and have some boots. One of my beer reps works there as a bartender those nights, I bet he could hook us up with some beer.

I'll give you a call the weekend after this one to see what's going on.

Orbitron19 said...

That sounds like an AWESOME apartment! Actuallyit sounds like my old apartment. Dude, If you have the Floyd albums you have to display them with the posters!