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Sunday, February 27, 2005

Two Scoops of Poop

Well, it's a marvelous night for a Moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies

Raymond Jennings is a good friend of mine that I’ve known for a long time. He’s known for his dignified and reserved manner and last weekend he went up north with a couple others.
This one Friday night they had a whole crap load of this greasy ass, cheese pizza and then went to bed. Raymond woke up early the next morning with giant tremors, epicenter coming from his gurgling stomach.
At this point Raymond was frantically looking for the thunderbucket to keep all his lava from burning a hole in his underwear. He found it and It was a good ride until his brother Pedro stopped him,
“Did you just take a crap in that toilet?”
“Yeah” replied Raymond.
“The toilet has already been winterized and we can’t have solids in the tank, so you’re gonna have to get rid of whatever you just deposited.”

At this point Alejandro, Raymond’s cousin, caught wind of this terrible job and reacted by laughing his ass off.

Raymond now had the long journey of, like a pet owner, finding a plastic bag and scooping his shit out of the toilet.

[CUE Moondance]
With each reach, Raymond would hum Moondance to keep his mind from thinking about what he was trying to clean up. Also with each reach, Alejandro would laugh even louder. It came to the point where Raymond would start the dry heaves and with each heave, Alejandro would just laugh harder and louder. Finally this mild mannered, dignified person had just scooped “Two scoops O’ poop” to clean the toilet.

This story will immortalize Raymond because we’ll never let this go. This story is like a bottomless pit of jokes. It’s better than the longest, loudest fart you’ve ever heard.

It’s god damn priceless!

Crap List

1. Me for my damn big mouth
I’m a total douche bag. If you tell me a secret, I’m probably going to tell every damn person in a four-mile radius. I’m pretty sure it’s heredity too because my parents have told everyone everything about me. I’ve givin up on hiding anything from anyone. I could and would tell a complete stranger how I took a piss during a soccer match. Then there was this time in 2nd grade where I pissed my pants because the teacher wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom.
Hey, I asked and she wouldn’t let me. I’ll just piss all over myself then.

If I ever was in charge of some top-secret military mission in Iraq and I was a POW. Instead of torture, they could just sit me down with a newspaper and some doughnuts and I’d be like,

“Dude, you guys gotta check this out, GW
sent us here because they found some mother fuckin oil just past that hill! I guess there’s enough for everyone in the world to bathe in the shit! (long pause) Oh shit, but don’t tell anyone though!”
Yeah, I suck.

2. “Here we go”
Whenever I’m at a restaurant and the waitress arrives with our food, I always feel the need to blurt this piece of trash statement. I hate this because it reminds me of all those assholes that blurt out “…and many more” after the Happy Birthday song. That rants for another day though.
The problem is that I feel the need to blurt something out. I should just come up with something like,
“Foosy doosy!” or “This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps”

3. Antonie Walker, Carmelo Anthony, Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, and any other over-hyped player who doesn’t pass.
If these guys were on a team it would be the butt ugliest basketball in the history of mankind. They would have to have reinforced rims due to tall the bricks these guys would be laying.
Antonie Walker is the worst. Never you mind about last night. For some reason teams trade for this guy and yet he’ll hit 30% of his shots and turn the ball over four or five times a game. Walker would be like me playing basketball where I just shoot and hope. I would also be the worst cocky player in the league. I’d pump my fists after every free throw!

4. People with passion
…because I’m jealous.
I was watching this documentary on the Mars rover landing. The day the rover landed on Mars, all the scientists were walking on eggshells because no one knew how everything would work givin the amount of time and money that was spent on the project. When the rover landed everyone waited with bated breath. Then came the pictures and the hundreds of scientists were ooh-ing and aww=ing over pictures. They would even burst out into applause.
I was watching this like,
“Nerds. Total nerds” Which isn’t the most appropriate statement, but I wish I could care so much for a job. I pretty much feel that a job has to suck in order to make everything else in life to be better. I mean if you have a great job, why would you ever want to leave it? And then, why would you make the people, like me, hate you even more for such passion. It’s like the people that work in cubicles until 10pm. WHY? Yeah I know it’s a dog eat dog world but good god!

5. Microsoft word
What you are reading is the 2nd typed entry because the first one was erased just after I completed it. I felt like Bill Gates raped me with a cork screw.
It's a lot better than two scoops of poop though.

3 comments:

Hog said...

Van Morrison is the shit!

Oh and I think I found out that Van Morrison did sing "Days Like This", not The Rolling Stones.

Boof said...

no dude, it was "Time is on my side".
That was sung by the Stones and not morrison

Hog said...

I'm sory hammer. I got the songs mixed up.