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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

So Beautiful...

I'll shoot through your veins
I'll drive you insane
I'll poison your breath
And I'll love you to death

I heard the most beautiful voice last week while listening to the radio.

I was instantly transported to a forest with a stream flowing over yonder. I was dancing and frolicking to the sound of her voice.

I was thinking this, knowing fully well that women who sexy usually end up being heavily beaten by the ugly stick.

I knew it wasn’t the case this time because I knew who this person was.

This person was Marney Gellner, the courtside reporter for Timberwolves’ broadcasts.

I would gladly jump off my balcony and land in a small bucket filled with centipedes right now if she’ll marry me.
I would put my finger down my throat and throw up (nixing my nine-year record) just for a ten-minute make out session.
I would give up Doritos for a year if she were my slave.

Alright, you clicked on the pic and are like, “yeah she’s alright but come on.”

You don’t understand, it’s hard to find a woman who has the voice to match looks. Plus Gelner has this, friendliness and mystery to her. Like you could be waiting in line at Jimmy Johns and you could say something like,
“Man, I could go for some grape bubblegum right now.” And she’d be like,
“Yeah I know!”

The other part that makes her really sexy is that she’s a decent looking woman who talks sports.

That, right there, is what makes Suzy Kolber something to think about and makes Linda Cohn seem like a ‘kind of’ MILF to a “nice” MILF.

We see these women here and there that complain that they can’t find a guy, but if they would just talk about their favorite stadium or favorite hockey player, all their problems would be solved.

Also moving into my dream world is Marisa Tomei because of that new Haynes commercial. That’s one commercial I could watch for an hour!

Now if you took Marney Gellner and Marisa in the same room…

Good God!
Friday I’ll have my worthless baseball preview

Monday, March 28, 2005

Five Questions

And I wished for so long, Cannot stay
All the precious moments, Cannot stay
It's not like wings have fallen, Cannot stay
But still something's missing, I cannot say

I heard about these blog-to-blog interview things from Ron’s site, so I decided that I’d play along.

Let’s see what kind of questions he’s got for me…

1) Which character from 'Clerks' are you most like?

Damn, I might have to open this question up to the panel, to the people who actually know me (H, Hog, and any other person that reads but doesn’t ever post **raises fist**).

I definitely have a lot of Dante’s character in me with my worrying as of late and I also think I have a lot of Randal in me too.
I want to say Randal because he’s actually my favorite character in any movie. I also remember when I worked at the liquor store and I would constantly recite,
“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers.”
But I don’t know.

2) Mardi Gras or Las Vegas?

I would have to say Las Vegas even though I haven’t been to Mardi gras. From what I know about Mardi Gras is that it centers on Bourbon St. and it’s a clusterfuck of people.
I can only imagine that Mardi gras would have too many stupid, dumbass people (let alone too many people in general) for my liking. I can’t stand huge crowds and with Vegas there’s a lot more to explore with the Strip, Fremont St, Red Rock Canyon, and the Hoover Dam so I could easily escape any colossal gatherings.
I went to Sturgis this last summer because “it’s so awesome” and people go every year for years and… I was working there at the time.
Well, there were too many damn people there and Berg gets frustrated when there’s too many people.

So yeah, Vegas in a heartbeat

3) If you're trapped on a desert island and you had to choose betweenSarah Jessica Parker or Brigitte Nielsen to copulate with....who would it be?

Oh good lord. Of all the questions to ask…
This is going to be a doozy **grabs towel to bite down on**

Let’s break it down
With Nielson:
She’s really ugly,
Flava Flav and his allies would be ready to kick my ass
Take Wisco, Iowa, and Nielson genes mixed up and **shudders** you’ll have a kid that walks around going “WHACK BONK” constantly all while tripping over tree roots and curbs.
I’d have to watch her grow OLDER,
I’d also have to see her naked constantly, which… BLUHHWAHABLAHHBLAHWAHABLAHHLSDF
Plus, she smokes and that’s really all it takes for me to discard anyone.

With SJP:
Annoying voice,

human sundial of a nose,
Also ugly,
The leader of 30’s single women everywhere,
Annoying GAP actress,
Probably a whiney beotch (I don’t know, she seems like it).

But there would be some positives like:
We could always pretend we’re muppets. Like I could be one of those judges or Fozzy, or Animal and she could be… Well, you know.
Also she could tell me all about Kristen Davis.
And I could always put a bag over her head and another four bags over her nose because she doesn’t have a bad body.


4) Rock and Roll is dead and no one remembers it but you. What band doyou try to become and why?

Probably true.
Well, since you asked. My band would have…

The power and soul of Led Zeppelin
The charisma of U2
The brilliance and creativity of Pink Floyd
The emotion of Sarah McLachlan
The vengeance of Patty Griffin
The attitude and passion of Pearl Jam
The talent of Van Halen
The voice of Sinead Lohan
The authenticity of CCR
The ambiance of the Cowboy Junkies
The song writing ability of Stevie Nicks
The front man that’s comparable to Queen’s
The persistence of Def Leppard
And another grizzled voice like Bryan Adams’
In no particuliar order

I would call this band, Creed—I keed, I keed!

I also believe that Rock will come back. There’s been a vacuum for long time for a genuine, innovative group or act to spring up. I do believe that there will be a band that will blow everything out of the sky and give a big middle finger to huge conglomerates that run this age of shallow pop and fabricated “rock”.
It all goes in a cycle and Elvis is around here somewhere.

5) If you had to choose between frying bacon naked or bungee jumpingnaked, which would it be?

Bungee jumping naked. I fry bacon naked every Thursday.

At least I could if I wanted to, but it’s dangerous because you could get that bacon grease on your dinky and… **shudders**

Of course with the bungee jumping you could fly come across a big-ass bumblebee and…**shudders** or land in a cactus patch--**Shudders**
But it would get rid of some swass (sweaty ass) too.

Now it's your turn:

1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond; I’ll ask you five questions.
3. You’ll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4. You’ll include this explanation.
5. You’ll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed

Easter Crap List

Does a miracle start
Even though no one tries
After all of this time
After all it's just fine
But it hurts sometimes

Dialogue from Saturday…

Berg: Yeah, so tomorrow I plan on going to IKEA and getting me a good desk so I can look up porn properly.
Shaun: uh… Tomorrow?
Berg: yeah, I’m planin-Awww crap! That’s right!
Berg: Hey Marc, tomorrow ya wanna hit up Chipotle?
Marc: Well tomorrow I’m going to be with my family.
Berg: Wuh? Dammit, that’s right.
Berg: Know what I’m gonna do tomorrow? I’m gonna make me some homemade tacos. I haven’t had tac-
Shaun: What? Tomorrow?
Berg: yuh huh and then- Oh, that’s right, gosh!
Berg: So I’m gonna go to Best Buy and get me a big ass receiver and get me some speakers
H: I don’t think Best Buy will be open tomorrow. Aren’t you going to be with your fam?
Berg: Damn it! That’s right.
Berg: So tomorrow I’m going to go to the grocery store and buy me some bologna and mayo and then…
Marc: uh Tom
Berg:…hookers for five bucks and bring one back to my place after I…
Shaun: Berg
Berg:…So then I’ll throw that mayo laced bologna toward that ass and…
Marc: TOM!
Berg: …that shit wont ever come off but then I got some sparklers so….
Shaun & Marc: TOM!!!
Berg:…hit that—What?
Marc: Tomorrow’s Easter.

Every holiday is like this for me. I make all these plans on going shopping and spending money until I find out that some holiday interferes.

Not that I’m against holidays because I love every one of them. It’s just that there's…

1. Nothing to do on holidays
How’s that for a segue?
Can’t buy Pizza-holiday
Can’t buy Robin Hood: Prince of Theives—Holiday
Can’t get me any JoJo’s—Holiday
Can’t buy me any Chipotle—holiday

These holidays are to be with your family and I totally understand, but what if you see too much of your family to begin with? What if your family decides to clean and work around the house on holidays?

Because it’s what always happens at the Berg household. Every holiday everyone’s running around vacuuming, dusting, folding, and washing because there’s nothing else to do. My Dad, Brother, and myself all hate being at the house when we don’t have to. All three of us are rarely around and we all need to be out doing something. Since everything is closed we might as well clean the house.

That’s why living away from your parents is such a luxury.

Also, can’t buy any grape bubblegum—holiday and it doesn’t exist anymore.

So last week when I’m at the airport I’m desperately looking around for bubblegum because my ears hate any elevation. I’m at the newsstand looking for gum—not any ordinary gum, but special gum.

I’m looking for some classic grape bubblegum—bubblelicius, bubble yum, or better yet Big League Chew for the plane ride. NOTHING. Not even any strawberry, or that overrated watermelon bubble gum crap.

Instead all they had was the Extra stuff, which is all right any other time but I wanna blow bubbles and have the grape goodness.

3. ESPN’s Dreamjob
Good idea but look at the judges! You have Kit Hoover who’s famous from MTV's Road Rules and then Steven A Smith who can’t stop yelling. Now I’m watching a columnist, Woody Paige, critique someone on body language.

All this hosted by Stuart Scott who—“BOOYAH, HOLLA ATCHA BOYS!”—can get a bit annoying after awhile. Plus, he’s got a glass eye (?) that I can’t stop looking at.

My point is, there are other anchors that tower over these guys.
For instance, Greg Gumble is fantastic; Dan Patrick is good, even Linda Cohn is solid.
It’s one thing to try and find a decent anchor, but when you have rookies being criticized and critiqued by people who…need to be criticized and critiqued, it’s really pathetic. It’s a real “MTV” type thing to do!

4. Balding
This is gonna be therapeutic for me, so either skip it or bare with it.

an anecdote…
January 2002,

I’m sitting in my apartment with my cousin who’s reading the paper on the other side of our living room. I just had my pictures developed from a great backpacking trip in Arizona.
Cousin Nick: So how was the trip?

Berg flipping through the pictures: Oh it was great! Temperatures of 70 and we all got along great. I was doing Creed poses everywhere
Nick: Creed poses?
Berg: Yeah like this picture here with arms wide open. (notices bald spot)…I thought I was the only one doing a Creed pose?
Nick: Huh?
Berg: This guy is wearing my shorts and boots. He’s also got my…Dude, this is me! Crap man, I’m losing my hair!
Nick still looking at the paper: yup.

Not that it was shocking because I knew I was blessed with horseshit genes from the start.
After all, when a man from Wisco and a woman from Iowa start drinking…yadda yadda yadda and BAM, balding at the ripe old age of 22!

I accept it though because I am who I is…or whatever and I’m not about to start worrying about something that I can’t change.

It’s the acquaintances whom I only see once a year that can get to me sometimes. Usually 4 out of 5 comments about my head will be fine with me and I won’t end up remembering anything about it, but that fifth one…

“hehe Now the reason why you have short hair is not because you’re losing it
right haha?”

When it comes to life, I’m as optimistic as one can get.
I know I’m going to find that perfect woman.
I know I’ll land that great job.
Doritos will never go run out!

Then that fifth comment will come about and It wont leave my head. It will eat me up for hours, even days and I wont be able to get it out of my mind.

The anxiety that came with a quarter life crisis I had has been over for a couple months now and I haven’t had to deal with anything like that since middle school. That fifth comment though will send me off in a mental path where I’ll lay in bed and the anxiety will come back…

Maybe I’ll never get that perfect woman, or any woman.
Maybe I’ll never get a good job. What if I stay at my job and work nights for 35 years with nothing to show for it.
What the hell will I possibly do if Nazis bomb the Doritos factory?

Then I’ll open my eyes with a cold sweat and my heart racing. Music won’t help it (it usually does) nor does the TV because I just can’t focus. It will take a lot of inner consoling from my optimism, but I’ll be fine again eventually.

What really pisses me off (but I understand) is the curious glances toward my head during a conversation. I totally understand it because it’s a lot like talking to a woman with big breasts (or big mugumbos, or capital knockers, or large funbags, or—nevermind).


The whole ordeal reminds me of that one Simpson’s episode.

So the moral of the story is… uh cherish those Doritos!

Friday, March 25, 2005

Picks, Commercials, and Hell

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field

Standing alone my senses reeled

6 months of free HBO!?
A sweet cut in tax returns!?
The end of the cold!?

The last couple days of this week have been a hell of a lot of better than Monday and Tuesday were.

After watching a weekend full of NCAA basketball I noticed a couple things.
1. CBS’ coverage completely blows dogs for quarters. Where are the live look-ins? Where is the assurance that we won’t miss a classic game?
2. CBS only seems to have ten commercials that they play constantly and five of them are car commercials!

I’ll run through them one by one

-Those crazy Burger King commercials
These commercials have been the most talked about piece of tv in awhile.
What the hell is Darius Rucker thinking?
His career is over!
That commercial is just bizarre!

I love that commercial just for it’s bizarreness. The tune, costumes, and characters (especially the woman with the nice ‘caboose’) all make for a fantastic, fucking weird commercial.

-Apple IPOD
Jesus Christ, enough with the ‘crazy bitch’ dance moves.

-PowerAde Lebron James 80’ shot
I really dislike all of these Powerade commercials because I know there’s some stupid people somewhere who think these are real--much like that Kentucky fan last week in Vegas. I hate all the other actors in the commercial who go with the shots.
“Are you getting this? That has to be an 80’ shot! WHOA!”
There was also a Michael Vick commercial that I found funny where he threw a ball fifty rows into the stands.
Just that… I don’t know why it’s so funny, but it is.

What I find really funny about this commercial is how the voiceover says,
“Any erections lasting over four hours require immediate medical assistance”
hehe Like what are you gonna do? Go to the ER and tell the nurse,
“Uh yeah I’ve had this enormous boner for about five hours now. It’s like It’s a wonderful Life stuck on pause.”

-MIller Lite
These taste loss commercials are pretty good. The mocking seems genuine and I like the whole feel of these commercials. The stupid question is good too, but I can’t remember what it was.
I especially hate this nerd that says,
"I just really like programming hehe"
Just once I would like to take a 5 iron to his balls!

These are the commercials with that gawd awful “Can’t get you outta my head” song by Kylie Minouge. I seems fitting that a song titled like so wont LEAVE MY FUCKING HEAD.
Could lyrics, a beat, and rhythm be any more annoying?

-McDonalds McGriddles commercial
This is the commercial H was talking about the other day featuring some dude and a girl talking about relationships. The girl consoles the guy while describing how a woman is like a McGriddles and eating the guy’s McGriddles.
I usually don’t say anything about McDonalds commercials because if theirs anything to count on in life it’s death, taxes, and dumbass McDonalds commercials.

McDonalds have played a major role in my life. It was the first word I ever spoke.

You think I’m joking doncha? I even thought my Mom was joking when she would mention it, but the anecdote would come too often at various points of my life and it was usually said without a smile. In fact she’d frown every time it was told.

AND... my Mom is never funny. Ever!

Also I believe a McDonalds commercials started a life of chronic bitching.
The memory is really fuzzy but it featured Ronald McDonald, the hamburglar, the little nuggets, and that purple dude. Anyway the hamburglar found his way onto a plane and was flying around Ronald and the gang for some reason.
Then Ronald says,
“Hamburglar! Come back, we miss YOU!

I went from playful, gradeschool laughter to a blank stare with wide eyes muttering, “What the hell does THAT mean? ‘We miss you’? That’s fucking stupid!”

Then my Mom made me bite into a bar of soap

(Back to the commercial at hand.)
For one they call ONE sandwich a McGriddleS. For more on this, check out Midwestgrrr’s entry.
Two, the McGriddleS is(are?) highly overrated. Taking two pancakes and throwing other crap in-between is a stupid idea.
To me, it’s clearly the worst item on the McDonalds breakfast menu. I’ll take a biscuit sandwich at anytime of the day thank you.
Three, the woman has probably more rebounds than KG (ZING!)

-Valtrex or something
This is the most bizarre commercial I have seen in awhile. More bizarre than the Burger King one.
This commercial has a split screen with food on the left and a person resembling the food on the right. There is also a weird type of elevator music in the background.

(blink: blink)


These are the kind of people that would have me popping out of bed with a cold sweat at 4am on any given morning.
Watching this commercial makes me believe that Chris Cornell is going to pop out with Black Hole Sun at any given moment.

I can only imagine that Valtrex is a form of LSD by looking at those crazy people.
Even that old woman doing the curtsy at the end makes me want to throw my one beer glass against the wall.


I really sucked in yesterdays picks, so I’ll carry on

No. 1 Duke vs. No. 5 Michigan State
As much as I would love MSU to advance, I have to pick Duke.
Dick Vitale blows a gasket because Duke wins by single digits

No. 6 Wisconsin vs. No. 10 NC State
I admit, if there’s any Wisconsin team that I root for, it’s the Badger basketball team. I love how the country wants to see UNC vs Duke again and how they desperately want Wisconsin out for their highly defensive brand of basketball. I want Wisconsin to win it all just like I wanted the parents to kill Kevin Bacon’s character in Footloose.
However, I am on the NC State bandwagon
State in a close one

No. 2 Kentucky vs. No. 6 Utah
Same as above. Just replace Utah with Wisco.
Wildcats by ten. I hope otherwise though

No. 1 North Carolina vs. No. 5 Villanova
I can’t pick UNC, I just can’t.
That is too sexy of a pick. I don’t know Villanova at all but I’m picking them by one.
What the fuck… it’s Christmas right?
Nova by one

Next week:
I’ll have crap,
I’ll profess my love for someone…on the blog, not physically,
I’ll even answer five questions from another blogger

Stay tuned… or go to Hell!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Thursday NCAA Picks

Livin in a river of darkness
Beneath the neon lights

First, if someone could tell me…

What is all the hype about the PSP about? It seems like a glorified Gameboy to me.

Now for some basketball talk.

My brackets are totally screwed. I’m glad I never ended up paying money because it would’ve just went to some lucky punk'
s pocket anyway.
However, I did predict a couple things correctly.

“Final four : UNC, Washington, Illinois, Gonzaga
-First #1 to fall will be Wake with Illinois squeaking out a close
game in the 2nd round or sweet 16…at some point.

-Illinois will lose in the finals
-UNC should it all win barring any injuries
-Look out for some team out of the Pac 10 to do some damage (Washington probably)
-Gophers will lose in the first round”

Although Wake was never a number one seed, I still kind of predicted it. Yes?
Illinios has had a bit of trouble in the first couple rounds, so I’ll give myself credit with that.
Washington and Arizona are still left from the Pac 10, but that’s a pretty stupid prediction on my part so I’ll save any awarded points.
Then the Gophers lost but I’ll explain why it shouldn’t mean anything in a second.

And that final four I predicted still has three teams left. Although I’d say now that UNC is highly overrated along with most ACC teams for that matter except NC State. UNC looked solid when they beat Duke a couple weeks ago, but now I don’t trust that pick at all. I believe Duke is a more solid pick than UNC based off of their potential route to the final four.

Every year the ACC has the sexiest picks for final four with Duke, UNC, Wake Forest, and especially Georgia Tech.

Georgia Tech had to be the Eva Longoria of the Dance because, for some reason, EVERYONE PICKED THEM TO GO FAR!

First question that comes to mind is….why? Why does Georgia Tech seem like a prime candidate all of a sudden?

I just couldn’t figure it out. I even saw that some people had them going all the way!
Georgia Tech! This is the same team that went 20-12. The same team that won only one game in double digets in conference play. The same team that wasn’t even ranked before the conference tournament started. The same team that didn’t even have one vote in the AP poll before the conference tourneys. The same team that was a straight up bubble team.

And somehow they received a 5 seed?

Now, I know they beat UNC and played Duke well in the ACC tournement and I also completely agree that they avoided a bubble bursting with those games. Still, I can see them garnering a 7 seed at the very best.

A 5 seed is pretty much a top 20 team and I don’t think Tech was a top 20 team.

With all that said, I think I know why they received such a high seeding.
I’ll need some participation though.

**A Bergblog Activity**
First thing is that you have to fully participate in this. I don’t care if you’re at work or in a public setting, you need to concentrate.
1. Very quickly say “Georgia Tech” outloud. (You will notice it rolls off the tounge nicely)
2. Now say it in regular toungue.
3. Now say it slowly and carefully.
4. Now look down because you’re probably sporting an erection.

It works everytime.

Now grab a napkin and participate in this last, quick activity.
1. Just blurt out “Jarrett Jack”.

That warm oozing in your pants is the reason for that napkin.

Therefore, Georgia Tech is that sexy of a pick.

For my records, could you please write something in my “comment” box below just so I can write it in my academic report for peer review.
A “I creamed my pants” would do just fine or
"I spooged myself good" is acceptable too.

I also have to mention that my “official brackets” are complete shit because I picked Illinois, Uconn, Duke, and Gonzaga to finish with Uconn winning it all.

Some of my most boneheaded predictions came with,

**sigh** Minnesota beating UNC in the second round.

…I’ll wait…

Reason being…They did play Indiana and Illinois extrordinarily well in the Big Ten Tournemant. They could’ve beat Illinois in front of their homecrowd if it weren’t for a little better ball control. I was feeling gopher love! Therefore the “Gophers to lose in first round” bit should be nixed.

Also… I had Iowa beating Kentucky, and LSU beaing AZ.

I DID, however, have Wisconsin-Milwaukee in the sweet sixteen (seriously) and I also had West Virginia in the mix as well (see Wake Forest sucks, above), so I think those dynamite picks should almost offset those first horseshit picks I had above.

I will try and predict tonight’s games for the hell of it.

No. 1 Washington vs. No. 4 Louisville
This might be the game of the night. I could easily see both teams winning simultaneously…???
Huskies 77 Louisville--ya know, I’m not about to guess the score.

Fuck it-Huskies win a CLOSE one.

No. 1 Illinois vs. No. 12 Wisconsin-Milwaukee
It’s been a good run.
Ilini in a blowout

No. 6 Texas Tech vs. No. 7 West Virginia
The second best game of the night (could easily be the best) this should be a huge battle. This is a harder game to figure out than the Wash/Louis game. I’ll take Tech just because of Knight-my favorite coach.
Tech in another CLOSE one.

No. 2 Oklahoma State vs. No. 3 Arizona
This should be competitive until sometime in the second half. I can see OK State winning by 7-10 when it’s all over.
JamesOn Curry, what a name.
State by what I said before.

Tomorrow I’ll talk a bit on how god damn stupid these NCAA commercials have been.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Baseball, **shakes head** God Damn Baseball

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold.
All the promises we break, from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.

Last Thursday instead of watching basketball, I found myself watching baseball instead. This wasn’t some meaningless spring training game rather it was that congressional hearing on steroids that was tickling my fancy. Hog and I were watching players and former players like Sammy Sosa, Curt Schilling, Mark Mcguire, and Rafael Palmiero taking a grilling from representatives.

It was great. Each ballplayer had their own shtick: Sosa was playing the BS “language barrier card” by having his lawyer read “his” opening remarks, Mark McGuire would give his “I’m not going to be negative, I’m just going to talk positive”, and Palmiero seemed to be completely clean and was for almost anything that would rid the leagues of steroids. Jose Canseco played the asshole the whole time there. Every ‘yes and no’ question that was tossed out would end with Canseco giving his soliloquy on how everyone’s on ‘roids.

With the way that McGuire wouldn’t answer any questions he almost admitted his guilt. It was kind of stupid really. The representatives were at the verge of throwing government pencils at him by his repetitive “positive future” statements.

Even if he was guilty, he should’ve just admitted it.

If Pete Rose taught us anything-(
only split Aces and 8's) it’s to admit guilt and placate the fans as much as one possibly can. Pete Rose could’ve easily put himself in the Hall of Fame will some waterworks and a little money donated to some “gambleholics anonymous”. Even if he didn’t believe in any of it the fan support would be overwhelming. Even after he admitted his guilt fans were still in favor of his HoF ballot… for some reason.

If I were a baseball player, I would constantly suck up to the fans as much as possible.

Lets say I was an infielder for the Twins. During every game I would dive for nearly every ball hit in play. Even the foul balls would send me vertical hoping I could extent my arms 100’. I would get that uniform shit brown by the second inning so the old farts could say,
“That boy plays with so much heart”. Then I would never celebrate after hitting a homerun-instead I would round the bases as fast as possible without making any gestures.

After game was over and the reporters would come ‘round, I would just spew out some Minnesota references about how great 10,000 lakes are and how the winters are awesome…yadda yadda yadda. I would also take a bit of a pay cut so the Minnesotans will be like “Wow, what a class act!”
Then in the off-season I would become a hunter/fisherman so that the iron range can jump on to the “Berg bandwagon”.

By this time I would be a Minnesota Legend. I could take all the steroids in the world and no one would care. I could give as much cocaine to as many kittens as I could rape and still be the king of Minnesota baseball.

Christ, Puckett played his cards right and he was even mentioned during the Democratic convention in ’94. He was in trouble a couple years ago with rape allegations, but Twins fans wouldn’t have anything of it! He owned Minnesota.

An average ballplayer is no different.

Commentators, after the hearing, were saying that McGuire would probably not be a first ballot HoF’er as a result of his question dodging.

Oh poor guy! Damn, not a first ballot eh? I’m sure Bert Blyleven is feeling his pain.

Then the main feature came with Bud Selig on deck for questioning.

I swear if you’re ever having bad day just tape a congressional hearing where Selig is fielding questions from congress, and I swear you’ll feel much better. It’s comical!

The last time he was taking questions, he had to explain why his league was losing money. I remember Jesse Ventura sitting next to Selig saying,

I have a hard time believing it, Mr. Selig, that they're losing that kind of
money and still paying the salaries they're paying," Ventura said. "That's
asinine. These people did not get the wealth that they have by being

It almost would’ve been better if Selig stood up and started talking smack about apple pie.
It’s a lot like watching someone play Tekken,

“oh mention something about contraction despite adding four teams last decade”

“oooh oooh say something about how brought down the integrity of the All Star Game with that stupid fucking tie a couple years ago.”

“oh now go for the final blow-ask him why it’s taken up to last year to establish an effective steroid policy.”

I could write a novel on how stupid Bud Selig is, but I’ll wait for now.
Tomorrow you can hear all about how my brackets.

Monday, March 21, 2005

A Cathartic Crap List

You cast aside the sheet, you cast aside the shroud
Of another man, who served the world proud
You greet another son, you lose another one
On some sunny day and always you stay,

****Berg’s dream sequence of coming back to work****

I pull into the parking lot with the rain pouring down on my purple car. As I attempt to get out of the car when I notice a beautiful woman next to me struggling because she never brought an umbrella. I notice this and run over to her rain beaten car to offer her my umbrella. With a surprised look on her face she accepts and we walk together to the entrance of my building. When we find our way to the awning that overlooks the main door, she gracefully thanks me and gives me a friendly humping on my leg and her number.

Already this day is starting great!
I walk up the stairs to the floor where my desk is. I meet some people along the way where they greet me with,
“Hey Tom! How’s Vegas? I took your advice and didn’t pick Wake Forest to do anything in the tournament and, you were right!”
I smile and nod and make my way to my desk where A meets me and says that her job is ready to go and gives me all the work orders for this summer long job. Then D sees me and comments on how “his job” is ready and he’s got everything worked out.
Thus, my summer work is now ready for me to plan out and I can keep good people working for another six months.
When I get to my desk the “Super” boss stops by and summons me to his office.
“Tom, you said you wanted to go on days right? I nod
“Well, we got a job for you. How would you like to….(something that I’m not doing right now)”
“WOOOHOOOO” I replied.
Can this day get any better?

Sure enough, Roger Waters gets back together with Pink Floyd and the Twins announce plans for a new ballpark paid entirely by Carl Pohlad.

Something like that.


1. Coming back to work
Instead I got the usual “I don’t know” answers for those summer jobs. The same jobs that are considered **their** jobs they created where “I don’t know” should never be an answer.
Then I had a mountain of junk email greeting me in my inbox and a bunch of people that are just glad that their Monday is minutes from being over.
All this while recovering from a brief cold that weakens the body and plugged up my right ear.

2. Smokers
I admit this may end up being more than a rant than a simple tidbit of crap. By smoking, I’m talking about cigarettes and not drugs because I can somewhat see why people “rock the ganja” and whatnot. Although that’s kinda dumb too.
Also I will ignore the numerous health risks that come with smoking. For those, head on over to the American Lung Association.

I really have had it up to here **makes a signal up to his dick** with smokers.
I hate how they smell like smoke.
I hate how they think it’s “cool”.
I hate how they spend over $3 a pack for this stupid habit.
I hate how they are able to get away with ten smoke breaks throughout any given day.
I hate how they blow smoke on themselves and others when they’re not paying attention.
I hate how they never follow proper smoking guidelines and smoke at the entrance of buildings instead of the designated smoking areas.
I hate how there will be a sign “PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE UNDER THE BUILDING AIR INTAKE!” and they proceed to smoke anyway because…”why not?”.
I hate how they complain about non-smokers complaining about smoke.
I hate the smell and taste of a smoker after being intimate.
I hate how they complain about all the smoking bans.
I hate seeing people on welfare smoking.
I hate seeing parents with kids smoking
I hate seeing women who are “preggers” smoking.
I hate how they throw their butts EVERYWHERE!
I hate how people will say they’re “non-smokers” and proceed to the bar and smoke because “they only smoke in bars”.
I hate—ok I’ll stop there and I’ll say that there are smokers who are considerate of their smoke and they do follow the rules.

However, it seems like those people pop up as much as a 13 seed in the sweet sixteen.
Also I do sympathize with smokers in recovery-it’s gotta be really tough to give it up!

To the people who still smoke because they like it, WHY?
Give me one good reason why you smoke and tell me why it’s worth it?

“Oh it’s a habit and it’s no different than you chewing your nails” Ok sure, but with smoking you go so far out of your way by having a working lighter, the pack, having to go outside, and putting off what you were doing in the first place just smoke.
With chewing your nails, you get nervous and start chewing.

I will also send out the blanket statement that if you smoke and are not in recovery, you’re an idiot. Plain and simple, you’re an idiot!

Think of all the money you’d save if you didn’t smoke. Think off all the food that would taste better without all the fucking tar in your mouth.

Pfew, It’s like I just took a dump.

3. When people mess with my stuff
If you want to get my blood boiling, take something I use everyday and move it to an undisclosed area.
I live my life trying to make peoples lives easier than what they already are. I never want anyone to wait on me and I never want to be in anyone’s way at any point.
Life is hard enough without the assholes.
Therefore, coming back from vacation and finding that someone “puts away” my stuff at another location, I get kinda pissed.
What pisses me off the most is how that someone will act like there’s nothing wrong and everything is great,

Well, I wouldn’t say that, but something like that.

4. Now, a topic where everyone has an opinion, euthanasia

WARNING: This might be a little too deep as well.

I swear, if I am ever in a vegetable state, get rid of that eating tube!
If I was to ever see my Dad, Mom, or my Brother in this position (God forbid), I would have to pull the plug—and if the government in the way of Jeb, George, or anyone for that matter tries to stop me, I will never-EVER acknowledge that form of government.

How DARE the government bends over backwards with the likes of Jeb Bush making last minute laws keeping this woman alive longer. She’s been a vegetable for 14 years! Doctors have repeatedly said that there is nothing more they can do. So WHY?

People claim that keeping her alive is an act of morality. Morality? What about ethical? What about the emotional torture the husband has been in for the past 14 years greeting someone who’s been socially, emotionally, and physically dead for over a decade. Yet they’re still alive because the government says so.

My Grandpa received a stroke about seven years ago and was never the same since. He rapidly got worse and there’s nothing more painful than seeing relatives acting as if nothings wrong and forcing him to participate in events despite not being able to speak let alone barely being able to crack a smile.

He lived the last four years of his life in a nursing home, rarely ever leaving because he couldn’t talk or move. He finally stopped eating because living life in a nursing home is not exactly high times. It was simple; once he stopped laughing and teasing he was dead. However most others didn’t see it this way. He was nothing more than a living photograph left in the pouring rain for four years.

Maybe the government should’ve stopped that too. Maybe the Governor should’ve created a last second law so he could spend another five years in the nursing home.

I can’t imagine that as religious as my grandpa was he would go to Hell for that. I can’t imagine how people outside the family would’ve stopped that.

I just can’t believe that.

Pfew… I should talk about babes now.

I'm Back Bitches

I’m gonna give it ev’rything I’ve got
Lady luck please let the dice stay hot
Let me shout a seven with ev’ry shot
Viva las vegas, viva las vegas,

So…much…to talk about.
So… not enough… entries.

Between baseball, NCAA basketball, crap lists, and movie reviews I have that extreme pregnant feeling that needs to be released. Of course that could be from all the buffets I had while in Vegas.

Vegas was a good time. We (Hog, his gf, and myself) had good weather, seen most of the sights we wanted to, and I even won some money as a result.

First things first when we arrived (10am Sunday morning) we quickly found out about the Nascar race that was happening later that day. Then there was also a construction expo going on throughout that week.


As a result, you can only imagine the type of people we saw in Vegas that whole week. Thousands of people in mullets, nascar gear, fanny packs, Carhardts, shit kickers, and Nextel phones. Every other store was selling nascar gear! Guys with flannel shirts and construction caps were everywhere.

Last week I even found out that my boss was there,

Berg on Nextel: Hey boss, I need.. (work stuff)
Boss: I can’t really help you because I’m in Vegas right now.
Berg: Ah, what can I expect to see when I come down there?
Boss: ah, oh! Well it’s been…(weather) Give me a call when you come down on Sunday. We’ll eat and I can show you around the expo.
Berg: oh GREAT! We can….uh, do stuff in Vegas.

Long story short, I blew off my boss, but he was probably being cordial, which is what I’m banking on.

DAY 1 (Sunday)
The first day we arrived, we pretty much slept for half the day because some of us hadn’t slept in 36 hours.
Later that night we went to downtown Vegas for the Fremont Street experience, which is the best part of Vegas IMO.
I saw this dude get 9 blackjacks out of ten hands that he was dealt. It was a thing of beauty!
I played the $2 blackjack tables and won $20.

DAY 2 (Monday)
We decided to hit the southern part of the strip where we saw an IMAX movie and roamed in and out of a bunch of casinos.
In one of the casinos there was this guy with six showgirls trapped in an 8x4x10 Plexiglas box hung about ten feet in the air. It was a 7 day hunger strike raising money for some specific charity. The advertisement described the guy as heroic.

I describe that guy as lucky. I wish I could be stuck in a box with six showgirls for seven days!
Think of all the pick up lines, all the jokes that would and would not work, and of course-the leg humping. Every pickup line would be heard and no one can run away! After seven days there would have to be at least one woman that would be drawn to my spell.
Charity pfff. I’d do it for free!

This night I actually played the $5 blackjack tables. Now me playing the $5 tables is a huge leap of faith for me because every time that I have been to Vegas I have clutched my wallet in the shower all while crying like a little girl and screaming “NO” as the water hits my tightass self in the bathtub.
I’m a cheapskate when it comes to Vegas. One person I met last time summed it up best.
When asked why he isn’t playing the $2 tables.
Guy: Nah dude, I can’t. If I were to lose two bucks, I would have to rip someone’s head off.

And that’s generally how I feel most of the time.

So now I’m at the $5 table at the Stratosphere (our hotel for the week). I put down $20 at the table knowing that my short-term nightmare is to go four and out. After about 45 minutes I managed to double my money and quit because I have the conservative idea that once I double my money, I’m done. If it takes 5 minutes or 5 hours once it’s doubled or gone-I’m done.
So day two with the few slots I tried and the blackjack tables I won another $25.

Day Three (Tuesday)
This was a day where we just hung out and eventually went to downtown Vegas again. Hog tried his way at Pai Gow poker and met some Texans that kept him company while I worked my ass off at that same $2 table at the Four Queens. It took me a good three hours just to double $20, but I GOT-R-DU—nevermind.
That’s another thing, we heard that stupid saying over and over again while we were there. Construction workers and Nascar rubes pretty much live off of such sayings-including my Dad, who is a nascar rube… and a tradesman…and went to see the “git-r-dun” guy a couple weeks ago. **sinks head in hands knowing I’m related**
Day three I’m up $20 again.

Day Four (Wednesday)
This day we hit the other end of the strip and went in and out of some other casinos. We also checked out a show of celebrity look-alikes with Charlie Daniels, Tim McGraw, Xtina, Elvis, and Michael Jackson. Now if you want to be in a profession with endless amount of jokes, be a Jacko look-alike because you can perform like him AND make fun of him.
So that show complete with hot ass showgirls was a good time.

I decided to spend another night at the $5 tables at the hotel and I was in and out in about 3 minutes with the dealer winding up with 21's in the craziest of ways. It was probably the fastest $20 I've had.

I wanted to rip someone’s head off, but I was up $45 bucks so I wasn’t that bend out of shape.
Day four down $20

Day 5 (Thursday)
This day I woke up early to see the NCAA tournament in the Stratosphere sports book. I came down in time for the first game (9:30am) and met about 75 people already seated doing the same. It was standing room only and I kept telling myself that if a 12-5 game was on, I’d bet on the 12 seed no matter what.

Sure enough, 12 Wisconsin-Milwaukee and 5 Alabama started right away.
I didn’t bet anything because like I said, I’m a tightass and after losing $20 the night before I didn’t have any confidence in my game.
Sure as shit, Wisconsin-Milwaukee (who I even picked as a first round upset) went on to win and I was sitting watching the Kentucky game with about twenty annoying Kentucky fans.

It is worthy of note that the Lebron James commercial where he’s sinking five 80’ shots came on and someone says,
“Jesus Christ! That’s just amazing!” I almost fainted.

So we get home and this whole damn weekend I have been stuck at home sick like a dog. With a nice malaise of snot topping off everything that I eat. Hog’s gf had a cold the whole time down there and it found it’s way over to me.

This past weekend I left my apartment about three times, which is enough to find myself walking in a circle and clapping due to the severe cabin fever. All this and I usually take pride in my immune system.

Tomorrow I’ll get back in the swing of things and talk about baseball and steroids.

Fun, fun.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Ha! Just Kidding!

This is actually going to be my last post for awhile.

Be sure to come back on Monday, March (whatthehellisit...)the 21st for a load of crap, a rundown on Vegas, and uh... whatever the fuck reason you came here in the first place.

In the meantime, check out the "Bloggin' Buddies" over there -------------------->
It's all the same anyway.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Last One For Awhile

Number 3
You have the right to free Speech
as long as you're not Dumb enough to actually try it.

Read it up fellas, let it soak in, print this entry out, and place it next to the toilet for the next ten days because it will be the last one. Hog, his gf, and myself will be taking on a Las Vegas adventure next week.

If I was going to be sad, it’s because I wouldn’t be able to tell you my fabulous basketball picks for the NCAA tournament. The first round has always been my favorite in terms of sports watching. For me, those days are bigger than the Superbowl, bigger than any one particular World Series game, and better than the NBA Finals game(actually a bag of Doritos are better than the Finals).

Without knowing what the field of 64 is (I refuse to call it 65), I’m forced to make some “leap of faith” predictions.

Final four : UNC, Washington, Illinois, Gonzaga

First #1 to fall will be Wake with Illinois squeaking out a close game in the 2nd round or sweet 16…at some point.

Illinois will lose in the finals
UNC should it all win barring any injuries
Look out for some team out of the Pac 10 to do some damage (Washington probably)
Gophers will lose in the first round

Of course that means absolutely nothing without the pairings and seeds being set. So if I see an empty computer in Vegas and I feel the need to stop over and I seem to care at the time, I’ll write in BERG’S SUPER DUPER UPSET OF THE 1ST ROUND…whenever I can.

I’ll probably come back in two weeks to brag about how my brackets stayed intact and how I won $3700 at the sports book.

I wish.

I do want to tell you all a story about my great bracket predictions of 1996.

Gather ‘round everyone.

I cut out the newspaper that posted the completed brackets before the first round and I took that mad mother to school. I just spent all weekend at home watching “championship week” on ESPN and I was in “the zone”.

Then during Advanced Algebra I had the urge to fill out my bracket. Maybe it was the sheer boredom of the Pythagorean theorem, maybe it was that I was getting an A in the class and I didn’t care, Anyway I had to fill out those brackets right in the middle of the lecture.

I penciled in whom I thought was going to win and I eventually came up with the final four: Mississippi State, Syracuse, Kentucky, and Umass. I would show my friends my brackets and they’d say,
“Mississippi State? Syracuse? You’re nutz man!” Then they’d look longer at the brackets.
“You have UCLA losing to Princeton!!?? What the hell are you smoking?”

So I grabbed my brackets away from their jealous hands and fell asleep in Algebra.

Then Thursday rolled around and I bought a little TV in so I could watch the tournament in class. Hog sat right next to me in (whatthehellclasswuzit?) history or some damn shit. Anyway I had my trapper keeper all bent out of shape so I could get away with watching the tournament in class with my little tv.

Hog whispering: Dude, gimmie that. What’s going on?
Berg: shuddup! Iowa St. is losing!

Then Ms. Fuelling started asking questions to the class,
Ms. Fueling:….what do you think Tom?
I started shuffling my trapper keeper and hiding my tv for the horrifying thought of it being taken away from me. I paid $100 so I could do such a thing!

It turns out she was talking to another Tom in the class and I was left with Hog laughing at me for being so freaked out.

As the day went on, that Princeton/UCLA game went on. The game was really close and it was tied with about ten seconds left. That’s when some Princeton performed a backdoor pass to some other nerd and won the game.

It was the upset of the tournament and I predicted it! I was celebrating as if I won the Stanley Cup. Then as the tournament went on, my final four predictions were dead on. All four teams made it and I was happy.

So the moral of the story is… always gamble when you can because you’ll never know when you’ll predict the final four

**The more you know**

Also I was thinking I would shrink up next week and condense it into this entry.

After all, how can a week go on without a crap list?

So here we go.
Crap list

1. I hate ________ because it sucks
have you ever ______ , I just did and it sucks. Whine, whine, whine. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
I hate this so much. When I grow up I’m gonna _________. You suck so much I wanna ______ it off your_______ asshole.
God I hate ________!

Man the guys I work with are totally afraid of chimps. It’s to the point where they are arming themselves in everyday life because they’re afraid some chimps are going to pop out of nowhere.
What the hell and what the fuck?

I think I have my first upset of the tournament; Puerto Rico Tech is totally going to beat (Arizona/Kansas/Big ten team/Duke). I can feel it!
I also hate how Duke or North Carolina will somehow play all their game in North Carolina! Damn tobacco road.


Brooke Burke
Burke is hot… BUT…. I think she suffers from being hot at far away. I also think that her voice is kind of annoying as referenced in that new Burger King commercial (I must interject that Burger King is now the king of great commercials).
Don’t get me wrong if Burke was right here, right now I would give her the ‘ole Berg charm… and in return she would give me the Burke run-away-screaming-with-arms-waving-wildly-in-the-air.
I do think she is a BIT overrated and I’ve seen better.

Last night I fell in the sewer and I was talking to this rat that I named Splinter. I asked him for some weed and he said he had a crapfull, so he led me to his crib. I followed him and there were all these crazy bugs everywhere and someone just took a huge dump that floated on by—it really stunk! Anyway when we arrived to his crib, he didn’t have any weed but instead he totally wanted to have sex with me! I was surprised because I’ve never been duped by an actual rat before! So I slapped him in the fuckin face and I stormed out of the sewer!

Is it incredibly humble or arrogant to mock oneself?

Whatever, have a good ten days or so!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

It's WhoooorrrrrRIFIC!!!!!

And number 2
You have the right to food money
Providing of course you
Don’t mind a little
Investigation, humiliation

-Where the hell is everyone? I’m getting like ten damn people a day. I used to get eleven!

Oh everyone’s probably hanging out at the beach in Missouri or bowhunting in Oklahoma.
Hell, they’re all probably gambling at Vegas. So maybe I should go to Vegas.
Yeah, next week I’m going to Vegas.

-I usually group the genre of War movies in with Sci Fi movies because I usually can’t stand them. Even if I were held at gunpoint, I still couldn’t give a proper plot description of Star Wars.

Uh okay there’s these two guys and they’re brothers and they gotta..uh destroy
some planet from marrying... their sister who has cinnamon rolls in her hair and
then—You know what, just pull the trigger.

I mean all war movies have the weird characters, the separation of family, someone get’s wounded and tears start flowing, and the brotherhood thing going on.

Maybe it’s because I generally don’t like war movies. Maybe it’s my opinion that war movies begin and end with the movie Glory. This, THIS is a war movie! Starring Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, and Ferris Bueller!

It can’t get much more gooder than that.

-This last weekend I was in a crazy movie mood. I have this “on demand” thing by Comcast so I have a bunch of movies all of a sudden. Friday night I was in the mood for Glory because I haven’t seen that movie in a long time. Saturday night I saw Mississippi Burning because, again, I haven’t seen that movie in a long time.

After seeing both movies I have determined that the best antagonist in any movie/play has to be “the south”. I have always been one to frown to the likes of NASCAR, “GITRDUN”, and any redneck crap because it’s just plain stupid. Not to mention that the “bible belt” is the south and I’ve had a recent “falling out” with religion as of late.

During the last part in Glory I was totally rooting on the Bueller’s regiment. I was even thinking that they were going to take-over that fort at the end.

It was wishful thinking and I turned off that movie with a God-I-hate-Confederates attitude.

It was at this point that I felt like buying a Union uniform and taking a walk around the block.

At the end of Mississippi Burning I felt a similar attitude except that it was focused towards small towns in Mississippi. I even felt that, in order to compensate, I should start hating white people.

I guess I can’t “hate” in the sense, but I really dislike some prominent white people already like Carl Pohlad, Red McCombs, Bud Selig, George Bush, Ben Stiller, former lead singer of Creed, and my old boss at the yacht club.

They’re all white and I can’t stand all/any of them.
So it’s set, I’m racist against white people.

-The other night I came home and turned on “Storm Chasers” which is an old IMAX movie that has been converted to high definition. I plopped on the couch and watched different camera angles of hurricanes terrorizing the east coast.
My jaw was on the floor and my hot dog was turning into bratwurst.
Then came the formation of a funnel cloud from a wall cloud. At this point I was thinking about grabbing a napkin for the bratwurst was turning into a huge polish sausage.

Watching storms is like watching porn.

-Sunday I ran eight miles for the second long run of my training. During the 75 minute run I began to think,
Why am I doing this again? And I went through the reasons.
Was it…
Because I wanted to experience the joy of accomplishment? Meh, kinda but not really.
Because I want to lose some weight? Again, somewhat of the main reason by not totally.
Because it’s always been a dream to run a marathon? Sure, but this is my second marathon
Because I’m an idiot? True, but not the reason
Because I want to eat a lot and not feel guilty? Bingo
Some people have diseases like anorexia and bulimia. Not me, I run a lot just so I can eat a whole lot.

That’s not that pathetic is it?

-I noticed that the Yankee/Red Sox spring training game on Tuesday was broadcast in HD for fans in Boston. Then I noticed that the Big Ten basketball Semifinals on CBS are NOT broadcast in HD.
What the hell is up with that?

-ESPN in particular is overly pimping its own stuff. ESPN is rapidly turning into the MTV of sports with it’s damn bias over it’s own programming.

Could they be anymore whorrific?
yeah, it’s time to go to bed. Anytime you make up a word that describes the movie, Boondock Saints, it’s probably time to go.

Good day

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Tour News!

You have the right not to be killed
Murder is a CRIME!
Unless it was done by a
Policeman or aristocrat
Know your rights

The other day H and I were engaged in a discussion about music. We’re both huge supporters of the new radio station and we were talking about some anticipated concerts coming this summer.

I haven’t been to a concert since September and I’ve been itching to see an act I like. After doing some research I found out that Patty Griffin is coming in April, Cowboy Junkies are set to come at some point during the summer, and U2 is coming to the Target Center in September.

U2 is charging up to $300 a ticket in some venues around the country. I would expect this much from a haphazard comeback by Pink Floyd but U2? They were touring a couple years ago! Not only that but the Target Center? I have better acoustics in my bathroom.

Still, it’s better than any concert held at Metrodome. **shudders**
Another crap list item is any concert that is held at the dome because it does host some crappy concerts now and then.

Anyway, spending the last couple month’s listening/volunteering to/for public radio, talking music to a lot of people, and listening to more folk, I feel that my musical pallet has expanded since my days of listening to Def Leppard and Bryan Adams (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

In the case of Def Leppard, I do believe they have decent talent in song writing and general music making, (evidenced on the very underrated Slang album.) Still, they continue to sell out (even by DL terms) by trying to appease their audience instead of writing music they want.

See, I grew up on Def Leppard and Bryan Adams and whenever I got sick of that Hysteria cassette, I would pop in Into the Fire or Reckless.

First concert I ever witnessed was Def Leppard at the State Fair with Ugly Kid Joe (remember them?) as an opening act. I have since seen Def Leppard twice and their concerts are mediocre at best.

So yesterday when I was looking for Def Leppard lyrics, I stumbled upon some “new tour news” on the website. I was curious but then I saw this…

I was at work during a “designated break period” and I popped my head above the cubicle, looked around to make sure no one was around, sat down, and started pumping my fists wildly.

I even practiced some of the sweetest goal-scoring hockey celebrations I could think of.

Def Leppard and Bryan Adams co-headlining a tour being held at minor league baseball stadiums around the country? That’s damn awesome!

Bryan Adams is the main reason why I’m attending such and event because out of all the concerts I’ve seen: Clapton, Roger Waters, Sarah McLachlan, Pearl Jam (3x), Metallica, Radiohead, Cowboy Junkies, Fleetwood Mac, and eh… Semisonic. The Bryan Adams concert of 2000 ranks up there in, at the very least, the top five I’ve seen so far.

You may be looking at your computer in shock, but I am definitely serious and going to THIS concert!

This is the sweetest tour news I have heard since I found out that Roger Waters was touring back in 2000.

The only problem is… The concert falls on a Friday, which means I will have to take off of work. So what do I say?
“I’m taking the day off so I can see a Def Leppard and Bryan Adams concert.” ???

My boss would probably fall over in his chair and have a heart attack over such a fuct up reason to ditch out of work.

It’s gonna be hard, but I’ll find a way.

Monday, March 07, 2005


No promises, no guarantees
When you come down here You're already on your knees
You wanna ride white lightnin'
Then sign your name
If you wanna dance with the devil
You gotta play his way, play the game

Last Saturday I won tickets to attend the Minnesota AA high school hockey championship and third and fourth place game. With my extra ticket, I took Hog because I wanted to patch up any hard feelings after he cheated his way to Presidency.

Throughout the game we had plenty of conversations that I deem “blogworthy”.

That and I'm lazy.

Third and fourth place game: Tartan vs. Duluth East
Berg: Dude, I’m damn hungry, I need a really big hot dog!
Hog: Yeah, I’m game.

4:05PM watching the game.
Hog: You know, I would’ve been nice to see Tartan in the championship game.
Berg: Yeah that would be great. It would be weird because Tartan’s never had a good hockey team and it’s never had any school spirit.
Hog: My sister says that Tartan is totally ghetto-ed out now.
(Both laughing)
Berg: You mean the gang problems are starting up again? Remember the Prep Killers?

4:30PM first intermission
Berg: Dude, those mini doughnuts are calling my name. I gotta go.

4:45 start of the second period
We were both watching the game when two old guys and two kids sat two seats in front of us. Before this we had a clear-cut view of the ice, now we had an “almost” clear-cut view of the ice.

Hog: Could you imagine Tartan ever beating a team like Duluth East ever?
Berg: Nah—OOOh check out that hottie way down there!
Hog: ooooh!
Berg: Man, I should be a teacher. You get older and they stay the same age.
(awkward silence)
Berg: Dude, I’m getting another pop.

4:55 coming back from the concession stand
I came back and some guy came down to have something signed by one of the two old dudes two rows in front of us.
Some guy: Dude, I just want to thank you so much. You’re the best.

(Hog and Berg both try to look at the signature to make something out. Then they look at each other inquisitively.)

Hog whispering: Did you catch that name at all?
Berg: Nah, who the hell is that?

At this point I figured it was Herb Brooks’ mailman or second cousin because the tournament refers to Brooks whenever they can. I thought it was him or some hockey dad/player.

5:10PM after studying the old guys in front of us
Berg pointing to the kid’s sweatshirt that says “Lehman”: Look at that kids sweatshirt.
(Hog and Berg both look at each other inquisitively)

Berg pointing to the man’s shirt that says “Master’s” on it: Look at that guy’s shirt and that other guy has a Docker’s cap! It’s totally Tom Lehman!

Hog: That would be cool if it was! You should go down, tap on his shoulder, and ask, “Excuse me, who are you?”
Berg: Nah, maybe I should sidle up next to one of those kids and ask one of them?
Hog: oh like, “Here little boy, c’mon over here”

Hog: No you should go over to that section over there. Then I can yell out, “HEY TOM” and then we can see if he turns his head. Then we’ll know if his name is Tom.

Keep in mind we’re talking kinda loud so whomever it was sitting in front of us could probably hear the whole conversation.

Berg: Ok, I got it. I bet the dude in the Docker’s hat is Lehman. The other guy is another, older famous golfing buddy.

(then some kid comes over to shake the guy’s hand)
Some kid shaking, what we thought, was the old golfing buddies hand: Mr. Lehman, I just want to say that I enjoy your game and I hope you’re having a good time here.

Hog: Ah we cracked the code
Berg: Yeah, but why the hell is he here? Shouldn’t he be out…I don’t know, golfing?
Hog: Maybe you should go down there and ask him, “Mr. Lehman, why aren’t you golfing today?”
Again, possibly speaking a little too loud.
Berg: Dude, I’m going to go and get some cheese curds…

6:30 hanging out at the Xcel lounge watching the Gophers
Berg: So we’re sitting two rows up from a guy who's won two friggin Majors.
Hog: …because when yo rich, you get to sit by filthy rich golf pros.


The Championship game: Holy Angels Academy vs. Moorhead HS

Berg: You know, If I were hockey emperor, this would be the general seat location where I would sit.
Hog: Yeah you can practice your emperor skills tonight.
Berg: Yeah like I would rarely ever show any emotion unless a great play happened. Then I would slowly stand up and clap really slowly all with little-to-no expression on my face like so
(Berg makes an attempt.)
…Then there’d be a big spotlight on me and I’d be on jumbotron and all “the little people” would cheer even louder based on my actions.
Hog laughing: If only you were emperor.
Berg: yeah, and I would have my own music too. Like, (making cymbal and marching drum sounds)..That would be awesome!

Berg: I’m gonna go and get some bratwurst.

Hog (points to the wave starting up at the Moorhead side): uh oh look at that over there.
Berg enraged: Oohh If only I were hockey emperor… I’d fuckin beat those people down.

Berg: OOH look, Lehman’s having pepparoni pizza!
Hog: Dude, that’s the diet of a 1996 British Open champion! Maybe we should start eating more pizza for the sake of our golf game.
Berg: We gotta find a way to take a bite out of THAT pizza.
Hog laughing: Yeah, we could stick our necks out with our mouths open. Then when he turns around and catches us we can say, “Oh sorry Mr. 1996 PGA Tour Champion, we’re just…ah nevermind.
Berg: OOH look, He’s wiping his mouth on a napkin! We should steal that napkin and wipe all of Tom Lehman’s sweet juices all over us!

Hog imitating spreading Lehman’s napkin all over himself: Look! Lehman zits!

Berg: I'm gonna go grab another really big hot dog.

9:30pm Holy Angels Academy 6 Moorhead HS 4

Berg: Dude, I gotta (grunt) I gotta hit the thunderbucket.

Lehman being at the tournement made it into Charley Walter's Sunday column.
• Yes, that guy turning heads while walking through the Xcel Energy Center
on Friday and Saturday was 2006 U.S. Ryder Cup golf captain Tom Lehman, who was
attending the Minnesota high school boys hockey tournament.
Lehman, the
former Gopher from Alexandria, Minn., who passed on this week's PGA Tour Ford
Championship at Doral in Miami, wanted his 9-year-old son, Thomas, to witness
the famed Minnesota prep tournament. Thomas, who plays in a squirt hockey
program in Scottsdale, where his parents live, was eager to experience the
Minnesota hockey legacy after viewing the movie "Miracle" about Herb Brooks'
1980 U.S. Olympic gold-medal champions.
Tom, Thomas and Tom's brother Jim,
whose 10-year-old son Connor plays youth hockey in Wayzata, attended five state
tournament games. Tom said Saturday that the youth hockey program in Scottsdale
is "extremely good." He and his son will return to Scottsdale today

Down With "The Wave"

In the lonely night,
In the stardust of a pale moonlight,
I think of you in black and white
When we were made of dreams.

I hate oil changes.

I’d rather go to the dentist three times in a row than to take my car for an oil change.
Reason being is that I don’t know much about cars—I’m getting better, but I still don’t trust some of those damn outfits.

So I run over to the nearest, spineless outfit that offers the best deal and hand them the keys to my car.

So I sit with some woman and her kid and they’re watching “The Wedding Planner”, So I’m stuck watching that crap while these phuckos dig around in my car. Luckily I had the paper in front of me so I just perused that.

After a half hour they were done with my car and everyone was cheerful about everything. I’m now starting to exhale; my blood pressure is starting to drop, and I’m starting feel like Andy Dufresne when he’s in the sewer.

I was talking with the guys about cars in general and it looked like I was going to get out of there without anything wrong. Great.

I got the bill, signed it, and was about to step out. That’s when I hear,

“Oh but it looks like you have a bad lower intake gasket. Hold on”
“Ah damn it! How much is it going to cost?” I replied.

The guy didn’t know right away and he had to go through a series of programs to find out. Another dude is right behind him and is saying on how it will cost between $800 and $1200 depending on what the circumstances are.

I pretended I didn’t hear that last comment and waited for the computer to confirm.

“Ah, yep, just what I thought. What did I say it was going to cost?”
“Comes out to $803. You were dead on.” Replied the computer guy.

This is when I reached for my gun.

Then I realized I never had a gun, so I started a tirade followed with some manly crying. I left the place dazed and dumbfounded.
How the hell could a vehicle with 17,000 miles have a bad gasket?
How the hell does a gasket cost $800 with labor?

I haven’t had the work done yet because everyone who I ask seems to think they were just hosing me. I’m thinking that too because…what the hell else am I supposed to think?

Crap List

1. Shady repair outfits
Again, it’s like going to the dentist. You trust the dentist to tell you what they see on your teeth, what you may need to work on, and techniques for proper tooth care. You don’t expect them to give you some bullshit about having eleventeen cavities. Even if that was the case, you’d think they’d show you what’s wrong.

These bastards never even showed me the “leaky lower intake gasket” WTF??

2. The Moorhead HS fans
Hog and I attended the Minnesota AA high school hockey championship based off of tickets that I won through work. Traditionally, this has been one of the hottest tickets around because of the history surrounding the tournament and the schools involved. Not to mention that numerous tournament alums will value a state tournament championship over any NCAA championship they earned.
Minnesota high school hockey is like holy hockey. I will talk about this more tomorrow because Hog and I were amongst celebrity…well kinda.

This year Holy Angels Academy and Moorhead HS were playing for the high school hockey championship.

Anyway, during the second period, the score was 3-4 and this is when Moorhead started the most despicable of all things.

Let me reiterate, this is the dream of so many kids, parents, and relatives. This is one of the most competitive tournaments of amateur hockey around.
Despite all this, the Moorhead fans decided to start “the wave”.

I hate the wave with a passion. It tells me that the fans don’t care about the game and they would rather participate in an arena wide celebration of throwing up your arms instead of watching the highly competitive game.

If I were hockey emperor, this shit wouldn’t fly at all. These people would be kicked out on the spot—and not in a nice way either. These people would be thrown out and banned for a year because…

That is just wrong.

The Saints have the right idea by banning the wave. They have signs posted at the grandstand that explicitly nixes the wave. You wont see anyone performing the wave at a Saints game because it’s fucking stupid.

However, there is a time and place for the wave—I will admit.
I have outlined that, in baseball, if a game is at or beyond the 6th inning and if the game is a blowout of five or more runs--AND nothing is happening; then yes, yes the wave is appropriate.
I was at a Twins/Brewers game when the Twins were up by six runs in the 6th. The game was going nowhere and it seemed appropriate. The wave was being generated and I, despite my hatred for the wave, participated because it followed my personal guidelines for proper “wave timing”

On the flipside though, in 2000 I was at a game in the dome against the Indians. This was the game that started the Twins 2nd half collapse of 2000. The Indians were still very competitive that year as well.
Anyway, it was the top of the ninth, tied 2-2, and runners were on for the Indians. This is where baseball is at it’s best with the managerial strategy involved and the intense managing of the bullpen.

Then out in the 1st base stands, the damn wave is starting. Not only that, but everyone’s following through with it.
I have never been more embarrassed to be a Twins fan.

3. Work
I swear I work under some really dumb people. Construction overtime has been cancelled for a couple weeks causing numerous crucial jobs to be put on hold. After talks, the new idea is that overtime should be used only a couple weekends a month.
Fine right?
Well, overtime is a necessity because it’s the work that is performed at off hours. If a job is going to take 20 hours of OT, there’s no getting around it.
So now if you bunch all the OT in a two-weekend period, it leaves the greater chance of working on Sundays or, what we call, 2OT, which will end up costing more.

This whole fiasco started because the construction/maintenance budget has been exhausted because it’s been a busy year in that work.

Lets face it a construction budget is nothing but wishful thinking. You never know what will go wrong and at what time. So if you go over the budget, everything is falling apart.

It’s just **bangs his head** so-stupid!!!

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll have more on the hockey tournament.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Hockey's New Emporer

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun

After I submitted that lame ass post yesterday, I saw this headline on,
“Boston Firm Offers 3.5 Billion to Buy NHL” and I immediately started wondering.

Is this what the NHL needs?
Could this work?
What would Jesus do?

Think of all the possibilities. Think of all the power!

When I grow up…and I’m a multi billionaire…and I buy the NHL, shit’s gonna change.

To hell with the presidential thing, I want to be the next owner of the whole NHL or would it be the BHL?

Before I would buy the NHL, I would send a phone call to Gary Bettmann,
Dial tone….

GB: Hello?
Berg: Bettmann! You little dick. How are ya!
GB: What? Who is this?
Berg: Haha, you shut up now ya prick. I got a FABULOUS offer for ya.
GB: How the hell did you get my number?
Berg: HEY! Shut up or I’ll beat you good! I wanna buy your league.
GB: I’m sorry, whoever-this-is, but you’re going to have to contact the specific team you’re intending to buy.
Berg (sits back with a cigar): Haha, Bettmann, you gotta take that shit outta your ear and hear me straight. I said I want to buy your LEAGUE! I’m fuckin rich and I want to take you’re little problem and throw a shit load of money in that direction. It always works because I always. Get. My. Way.

How does one honestly propose an idea like this? I hope to dear God that these guys didn’t use Powerpoint because such a program should be outlawed, but I’ll wait until a crap list to get into that.

First thing I would do is change my title to “Hockey Emperor” instead of commissioner because I’ve always wanted to be an emperor.

I would have to get small glasses, speak softly, and carry a big stick. Except that I would talk rather loudly and forcefully and I would wear a big hat and a cape instead.
Then I would start fuckin around with the rules. I’d make it so the damn goalies couldn’t wear the big ass pads as they do now and I’d allow the two line passing to say the least.

I would also call the league “Boof’s Hockey League” or “Berg’s Hockey League” (BHL)

After I would establish the rules I would take a map of the US and draw in my own latitude (40th parallel) that I would call the “Berg Line”. It would be a lot like the Mason Dixon line except that it would have the Hockey Emperor’s name in it’s place. South of this line, there will be no hockey teams. Any previous team that owned a hockey team south of this line is obliterated. No questions, no exceptions, they would be done.

I have good reason for this radical move. Actually two.

1. Hockey doesn’t belong this far south. I don’t care about St. Louis. If St. Louis really wanted a hockey team, the entire would have to move a hundred miles north. That would, at least, show me a city dedicated to hockey. That, and if the people usually have trouble finding the puck, you don’t deserve hockey. If you want the glowing puck back from FOX, you don’t deserve hockey. If the temperature is warmer outside than it is in the arena, you don’t deserve hockey.
2. I’m the fuckin Hockey emperor, whatever I say, GOES! If you question me, I’ll slash the hell outta you!

Then I would take all those contracted teams and either move them or hold a contraction draft. I may move a team to Madison, some Canadian cities, and maybe one in the middle of nowhere maybe North Dakota or some blue-collar town.

Why? You may ask.

Because if you put a team in a small town, the passion runs deep. The people support the team because there’s nothing else to do. The fans are louder, passionate, and completely crazy. They want to stick it to the city slickers so bad that they would tear their damn arms off for the chance. The Green Bay Packers are a good example in football. If you drive into Green Bay, it’s a little bigger than Duluth—not by much though.
That’s the problem with Los Angeles and the NFL. If the team sucks, no one cares!

So now we have a BHL league of about 25 teams, which means we’d have to cut another team.

I would get rid of the Detroit Red Wings…

Just kidding Ron.

Nah, I’d figure it out somehow.

I would keep the conferences (East and West) and teams would only play other teams in their conference. The only time East and West would meet would be the Berg cup, which would be the grandest trophy ever. Baseball used to have this separation and I loved it. They had to play the interleague play card ten years ago and now it’s taken away from the World Series (in the hockey emperor’s opinion anyway). I would also cut down the schedule so that each team plays only two games a week, (Thursday and Sunday)

Now after any team wins the Berg Cup, the trophy would be presented to me, the owner. This is because I’m the damn hockey emperor and I own the league,

You always have to present the owner the championship trophy right?

I would have a dynasty of my own.

Of course, everyone south of the Berg line will have NASCAR to keep them company.
It would be perfect.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

No Vikings Owner Shouldn't Spend No More Money This Year.

Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talk and few of them know,
soul of a woman was created below.

-Chalk me up for a SECOND greeting by “Betty”. Damn, I wanna spank that ass like I spanked Hogs!

-I’m starting to receive some bills after a month of living in my apartment. The electric bill was a bit of a surprise as it was only $15, making it the cheapest electric bill I have ever received.


I then began to thing of all the appliances that I have neglected to use: dishwasher, microwave, and even the lights. I figured that I have lights on in that place no longer than 15 minutes a day. Seriously, I’ll come home from work, flip on the lights, turn on the TV, and flip the lights off.

As for the other appliances, I never use the dishwasher because—well, I don’t have any damn dishes. Then I don’t use the microwave because I already have a toaster oven (which is my favorite appliance by far). Don’t use the stove because I don’t have anything to cook with.

-Hog, you can tell your girlfriend that I broke down and acquired some silverware. Actually, I went home and stole a spoon. At some point someone mentioned how they were enjoying root beer floats while watching tv and I started dreaming. I started dreaming about me, sitting in front of the tv, and… sippin’ on a root beer float.

So today I went on a mad search for some quality root beer mugs, vanilla ice cream, an ice cream scoop, root beer, and silverware (to mix the ice cream and root beer up)
I went to Target and blindly walked through the housewares section because I obviously am out of my element. As much as I walked in and out of the aisles I couldn’t find a classic glass mug that I was dreaming about. I could’ve bought a big ass plastic cup but come on.
If you’re going to have a root beer float you have to have a glass fuckin mug!
Went to Pier one—nothing.

That’s when I went home and stole a bunch of stuff.

Now, I’m chillin at the apartment sippin a sweet ass root beer float!

-I talk about radio a lot on here and I especially love talk radio. I grew up on ‘CCO with Dark Star talking me to sleep long into the night. I still listen to a lot of talk radio, more than I care to admit and there is one thing I don’t get.
There is one particular personality that has a show on my station of choice who I just don’t “get” at all.

What the fuck is up with the Common Man? Can someone please, PLEASE explain to me why this guy is the least bit funny? Everyone from on-air personell to people I know (I’m looking at you guys: Hog and H) use his bits on the air and in emails.
It drives me nutz! I’ll listen and get pissed off because I just dont understand the love-affair with him.

-Saw the first baseball game on tv yesterday and now I have the fever. I’m so overcome with sports right now that it’s insane. I looked at the upcoming baseball schedule for the Twins and I think they have the first Sunday night baseball game of the season. ESPN is also broadcasting that game in HD, which I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE!!!! That and INHD and INHD2 are both broadcasting baseball games in HD. There will be more to come later when I’ll have BERG’S BASEBALL PREVIEW.

I hope they bring back that centerfield camera that ESPN experimented with a couple years ago. It’s a hell of a lot better than the stupid basecam or even that dumb home plate vision they had during the World Series.
If FOX wants to go that rout why not Drunkcam or Hecklevision.

-I found out that I’m getting a free preview of Showtime for a week. I’m stoked!

- I saw the headline a couple days ago, “Vikings can't afford not to spend money” was the latest column by Bob Sansevere.


What the fuck kind of a title is that?

-Maurice Cheeks was just fired from the Blazers and rightfully so. The Blazers suck and who the hell could coach that team?
The most famous tidbit of Cheeks is how he helped that girl sing the National anthem when she got nervous. I swear that kept him in the league an extra year.
It was an extraordinary thing Cheeks did and I get chills every time I see a clip of that.

Maybe Flip Saunders will go to the Blazers? I’m sure he wouldn’t take that job it they offered him 20 million a year.