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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Baseball, **shakes head** God Damn Baseball

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold.
All the promises we break, from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you.

Last Thursday instead of watching basketball, I found myself watching baseball instead. This wasn’t some meaningless spring training game rather it was that congressional hearing on steroids that was tickling my fancy. Hog and I were watching players and former players like Sammy Sosa, Curt Schilling, Mark Mcguire, and Rafael Palmiero taking a grilling from representatives.

It was great. Each ballplayer had their own shtick: Sosa was playing the BS “language barrier card” by having his lawyer read “his” opening remarks, Mark McGuire would give his “I’m not going to be negative, I’m just going to talk positive”, and Palmiero seemed to be completely clean and was for almost anything that would rid the leagues of steroids. Jose Canseco played the asshole the whole time there. Every ‘yes and no’ question that was tossed out would end with Canseco giving his soliloquy on how everyone’s on ‘roids.

With the way that McGuire wouldn’t answer any questions he almost admitted his guilt. It was kind of stupid really. The representatives were at the verge of throwing government pencils at him by his repetitive “positive future” statements.

Even if he was guilty, he should’ve just admitted it.

If Pete Rose taught us anything-(
only split Aces and 8's) it’s to admit guilt and placate the fans as much as one possibly can. Pete Rose could’ve easily put himself in the Hall of Fame will some waterworks and a little money donated to some “gambleholics anonymous”. Even if he didn’t believe in any of it the fan support would be overwhelming. Even after he admitted his guilt fans were still in favor of his HoF ballot… for some reason.

If I were a baseball player, I would constantly suck up to the fans as much as possible.

Lets say I was an infielder for the Twins. During every game I would dive for nearly every ball hit in play. Even the foul balls would send me vertical hoping I could extent my arms 100’. I would get that uniform shit brown by the second inning so the old farts could say,
“That boy plays with so much heart”. Then I would never celebrate after hitting a homerun-instead I would round the bases as fast as possible without making any gestures.

After game was over and the reporters would come ‘round, I would just spew out some Minnesota references about how great 10,000 lakes are and how the winters are awesome…yadda yadda yadda. I would also take a bit of a pay cut so the Minnesotans will be like “Wow, what a class act!”
Then in the off-season I would become a hunter/fisherman so that the iron range can jump on to the “Berg bandwagon”.

By this time I would be a Minnesota Legend. I could take all the steroids in the world and no one would care. I could give as much cocaine to as many kittens as I could rape and still be the king of Minnesota baseball.

Christ, Puckett played his cards right and he was even mentioned during the Democratic convention in ’94. He was in trouble a couple years ago with rape allegations, but Twins fans wouldn’t have anything of it! He owned Minnesota.

An average ballplayer is no different.

Commentators, after the hearing, were saying that McGuire would probably not be a first ballot HoF’er as a result of his question dodging.

Oh poor guy! Damn, not a first ballot eh? I’m sure Bert Blyleven is feeling his pain.

Then the main feature came with Bud Selig on deck for questioning.

I swear if you’re ever having bad day just tape a congressional hearing where Selig is fielding questions from congress, and I swear you’ll feel much better. It’s comical!

The last time he was taking questions, he had to explain why his league was losing money. I remember Jesse Ventura sitting next to Selig saying,

I have a hard time believing it, Mr. Selig, that they're losing that kind of
money and still paying the salaries they're paying," Ventura said. "That's
asinine. These people did not get the wealth that they have by being

It almost would’ve been better if Selig stood up and started talking smack about apple pie.
It’s a lot like watching someone play Tekken,

“oh mention something about contraction despite adding four teams last decade”

“oooh oooh say something about how brought down the integrity of the All Star Game with that stupid fucking tie a couple years ago.”

“oh now go for the final blow-ask him why it’s taken up to last year to establish an effective steroid policy.”

I could write a novel on how stupid Bud Selig is, but I’ll wait for now.
Tomorrow you can hear all about how my brackets.

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