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Monday, February 28, 2005

The First Long Run

Let's take a ride to the seaside
We can go out swimming in the high tide
Just wear your shorts and your long hair
Don't forget the lawn chair

I’m quickly finding out that the second marathon seems to be the hardest. Training for the first marathon was exciting. Every week I would be amazed at how much I could run without using much energy. I could run for 45 minutes and barely break a sweat.

I started training for the second marathon last week with the “long run” scheduled for Saturday. That week didn’t exactly go according to plan.
Tuesday I went to the gym and ran for a half hour.
The rest of the week I slept in.
The hardest part of training for your second marathon is that you’ve already completed one so the dream has already been proven and now you’re just plain stupid. Whenever you miss a vital run you figure, “eh, I’ve already ran a marathon.”

However, Friday night I was planning out my route and trying to figure out where I could run that would get me back home in a six-mile stretch. I had everything planned out.

I woke up Saturday morning, looked at the current weather, and said
“Fuck this” because there was a wind chill of seven. It was too cold for me so I went to Burger King instead.

I woke up yesterday with the intention of running that six-mile stretch at the indoor track at the gym--which I really hate. I feel like a damn hamster with the endless running and not going anywhere.

I woke up early, arrived to the gym, and started running for 45 minutes (which is about six-miles).

At the half hour point I’m still doing pretty good-I’m a little fatigued and my calves are starting to ache a bit, but I’m doing all right. That’s when the porn star arrived.

Great, now I can start daydreaming! I figured.
She got her stuff together and started her normal routine of stretching. I came around the corner when time went into slow motion.

As turned the corner and ran in her direction, she was in the middle of some amazing hamstring stretches. **These are like male fantasy stretches**
Ever so slowly she looks up at me in mid stretch, smiles, and greets me with, “How are you?”

I reacted naturally by smiling and greeting her back.


Go-Go gadget dick

One of the greatest difficulties in life has to be the loss of a one’s son or daughter. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to have the flesh and blood you produced only to pass away before you do.

The second greatest difficulty in life has to be running with a big fat, fuckin boner. I swear I was like a galloping tripod out there--Maybe even a dog with a severed leg. I was even thinking of going about it Tigger style.

All right, the self-flattery is over.
It was a nice little moment.

While running on the track, I even went as far as innocently asking, “How've you been?” To which she smiled and said, “Great!”

Do you know what this means?

This is the first step. This is where it all begins.
That smile and greet is the tinder of future conversations and the wild, sexy parties.

Not to mention that this is what I needed to kick start my training! A flirty little porn star!

It’s just that “porn star” isn’t the right word. With “porn star” you think of the stilettos, awful makeup, and a sexual experience that can only be described as “throwing a hot dog down a hallway”.

Not that I know how often she-whatever. The nickname just doesn’t do “The Betty” justice.
I mean she makes Shania Twain look like a sloppy bag of garbage
She makes Cameron Diaz look like Sarah Jessica Parker and
Makes Sarah Jessica Parker look like-- **BEEEPPPPPP**______________________^___^___^___^

I just passed out. I can’t register anything so ugly without “resetting” myself

Like I alluded to earlier, she’s going to be called “The Betty” or “The Betty at the gym” from now on.

She erased my damn mind with that simple hello because I forgot half of my gym clothes at the gym, parked my car backwards, and nearly fell off my balcony while pointing and laughing at minorities.

Maybe this second marathon wont be so bad after all.


Hog said...

Holy shit Berg!! You also seen The Big Lebowski on comedy central with that hilarious saying. I thought that the censored version of that scene was funnier than the original (if that is at all possible).

"When you find a stranger in the Alps"? What does that even mean???

Pure comic genius, that's what that means.

Oh and good luck with Betty, you'll have to bring me to gym so I can meet your future wife. Later.

Orbitron19 said...

You're running a marathon? Awesome! I'm still too chickenshit to train for one, but I want to do it before I die. How hard was the first one?

Orbitron19 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

i'm available to go running anytime, as long ass its warm that is.

i'm back and the knee is stronger than kirstie alley's appetite. zing.


Boof said...

1st marathon was physically tough because of god damn Summit Ave **shakes fist**.
Just my opinion though, I've had a harder time in school.
Anyone can run a marathon if they have the mindset...and drugs (jk)