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Thursday, March 03, 2005

Hockey's New Emporer

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun

After I submitted that lame ass post yesterday, I saw this headline on,
“Boston Firm Offers 3.5 Billion to Buy NHL” and I immediately started wondering.

Is this what the NHL needs?
Could this work?
What would Jesus do?

Think of all the possibilities. Think of all the power!

When I grow up…and I’m a multi billionaire…and I buy the NHL, shit’s gonna change.

To hell with the presidential thing, I want to be the next owner of the whole NHL or would it be the BHL?

Before I would buy the NHL, I would send a phone call to Gary Bettmann,
Dial tone….

GB: Hello?
Berg: Bettmann! You little dick. How are ya!
GB: What? Who is this?
Berg: Haha, you shut up now ya prick. I got a FABULOUS offer for ya.
GB: How the hell did you get my number?
Berg: HEY! Shut up or I’ll beat you good! I wanna buy your league.
GB: I’m sorry, whoever-this-is, but you’re going to have to contact the specific team you’re intending to buy.
Berg (sits back with a cigar): Haha, Bettmann, you gotta take that shit outta your ear and hear me straight. I said I want to buy your LEAGUE! I’m fuckin rich and I want to take you’re little problem and throw a shit load of money in that direction. It always works because I always. Get. My. Way.

How does one honestly propose an idea like this? I hope to dear God that these guys didn’t use Powerpoint because such a program should be outlawed, but I’ll wait until a crap list to get into that.

First thing I would do is change my title to “Hockey Emperor” instead of commissioner because I’ve always wanted to be an emperor.

I would have to get small glasses, speak softly, and carry a big stick. Except that I would talk rather loudly and forcefully and I would wear a big hat and a cape instead.
Then I would start fuckin around with the rules. I’d make it so the damn goalies couldn’t wear the big ass pads as they do now and I’d allow the two line passing to say the least.

I would also call the league “Boof’s Hockey League” or “Berg’s Hockey League” (BHL)

After I would establish the rules I would take a map of the US and draw in my own latitude (40th parallel) that I would call the “Berg Line”. It would be a lot like the Mason Dixon line except that it would have the Hockey Emperor’s name in it’s place. South of this line, there will be no hockey teams. Any previous team that owned a hockey team south of this line is obliterated. No questions, no exceptions, they would be done.

I have good reason for this radical move. Actually two.

1. Hockey doesn’t belong this far south. I don’t care about St. Louis. If St. Louis really wanted a hockey team, the entire would have to move a hundred miles north. That would, at least, show me a city dedicated to hockey. That, and if the people usually have trouble finding the puck, you don’t deserve hockey. If you want the glowing puck back from FOX, you don’t deserve hockey. If the temperature is warmer outside than it is in the arena, you don’t deserve hockey.
2. I’m the fuckin Hockey emperor, whatever I say, GOES! If you question me, I’ll slash the hell outta you!

Then I would take all those contracted teams and either move them or hold a contraction draft. I may move a team to Madison, some Canadian cities, and maybe one in the middle of nowhere maybe North Dakota or some blue-collar town.

Why? You may ask.

Because if you put a team in a small town, the passion runs deep. The people support the team because there’s nothing else to do. The fans are louder, passionate, and completely crazy. They want to stick it to the city slickers so bad that they would tear their damn arms off for the chance. The Green Bay Packers are a good example in football. If you drive into Green Bay, it’s a little bigger than Duluth—not by much though.
That’s the problem with Los Angeles and the NFL. If the team sucks, no one cares!

So now we have a BHL league of about 25 teams, which means we’d have to cut another team.

I would get rid of the Detroit Red Wings…

Just kidding Ron.

Nah, I’d figure it out somehow.

I would keep the conferences (East and West) and teams would only play other teams in their conference. The only time East and West would meet would be the Berg cup, which would be the grandest trophy ever. Baseball used to have this separation and I loved it. They had to play the interleague play card ten years ago and now it’s taken away from the World Series (in the hockey emperor’s opinion anyway). I would also cut down the schedule so that each team plays only two games a week, (Thursday and Sunday)

Now after any team wins the Berg Cup, the trophy would be presented to me, the owner. This is because I’m the damn hockey emperor and I own the league,

You always have to present the owner the championship trophy right?

I would have a dynasty of my own.

Of course, everyone south of the Berg line will have NASCAR to keep them company.
It would be perfect.

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