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Monday, March 21, 2005

I'm Back Bitches

I’m gonna give it ev’rything I’ve got
Lady luck please let the dice stay hot
Let me shout a seven with ev’ry shot
Viva las vegas, viva las vegas,

So…much…to talk about.
So… not enough… entries.

Between baseball, NCAA basketball, crap lists, and movie reviews I have that extreme pregnant feeling that needs to be released. Of course that could be from all the buffets I had while in Vegas.

Vegas was a good time. We (Hog, his gf, and myself) had good weather, seen most of the sights we wanted to, and I even won some money as a result.

First things first when we arrived (10am Sunday morning) we quickly found out about the Nascar race that was happening later that day. Then there was also a construction expo going on throughout that week.

(blink:blink)

As a result, you can only imagine the type of people we saw in Vegas that whole week. Thousands of people in mullets, nascar gear, fanny packs, Carhardts, shit kickers, and Nextel phones. Every other store was selling nascar gear! Guys with flannel shirts and construction caps were everywhere.

Last week I even found out that my boss was there,

Berg on Nextel: Hey boss, I need.. (work stuff)
Boss: I can’t really help you because I’m in Vegas right now.
Berg: Ah, what can I expect to see when I come down there?
Boss: ah, oh! Well it’s been…(weather) Give me a call when you come down on Sunday. We’ll eat and I can show you around the expo.
Berg: oh GREAT! We can….uh, do stuff in Vegas.

Long story short, I blew off my boss, but he was probably being cordial, which is what I’m banking on.

DAY 1 (Sunday)
The first day we arrived, we pretty much slept for half the day because some of us hadn’t slept in 36 hours.
Later that night we went to downtown Vegas for the Fremont Street experience, which is the best part of Vegas IMO.
I saw this dude get 9 blackjacks out of ten hands that he was dealt. It was a thing of beauty!
I played the $2 blackjack tables and won $20.

DAY 2 (Monday)
We decided to hit the southern part of the strip where we saw an IMAX movie and roamed in and out of a bunch of casinos.
In one of the casinos there was this guy with six showgirls trapped in an 8x4x10 Plexiglas box hung about ten feet in the air. It was a 7 day hunger strike raising money for some specific charity. The advertisement described the guy as heroic.

I describe that guy as lucky. I wish I could be stuck in a box with six showgirls for seven days!
Think of all the pick up lines, all the jokes that would and would not work, and of course-the leg humping. Every pickup line would be heard and no one can run away! After seven days there would have to be at least one woman that would be drawn to my spell.
Charity pfff. I’d do it for free!

This night I actually played the $5 blackjack tables. Now me playing the $5 tables is a huge leap of faith for me because every time that I have been to Vegas I have clutched my wallet in the shower all while crying like a little girl and screaming “NO” as the water hits my tightass self in the bathtub.
I’m a cheapskate when it comes to Vegas. One person I met last time summed it up best.
When asked why he isn’t playing the $2 tables.
Guy: Nah dude, I can’t. If I were to lose two bucks, I would have to rip someone’s head off.

And that’s generally how I feel most of the time.

So now I’m at the $5 table at the Stratosphere (our hotel for the week). I put down $20 at the table knowing that my short-term nightmare is to go four and out. After about 45 minutes I managed to double my money and quit because I have the conservative idea that once I double my money, I’m done. If it takes 5 minutes or 5 hours once it’s doubled or gone-I’m done.
So day two with the few slots I tried and the blackjack tables I won another $25.

Day Three (Tuesday)
This was a day where we just hung out and eventually went to downtown Vegas again. Hog tried his way at Pai Gow poker and met some Texans that kept him company while I worked my ass off at that same $2 table at the Four Queens. It took me a good three hours just to double $20, but I GOT-R-DU—nevermind.
That’s another thing, we heard that stupid saying over and over again while we were there. Construction workers and Nascar rubes pretty much live off of such sayings-including my Dad, who is a nascar rube… and a tradesman…and went to see the “git-r-dun” guy a couple weeks ago. **sinks head in hands knowing I’m related**
Day three I’m up $20 again.

Day Four (Wednesday)
This day we hit the other end of the strip and went in and out of some other casinos. We also checked out a show of celebrity look-alikes with Charlie Daniels, Tim McGraw, Xtina, Elvis, and Michael Jackson. Now if you want to be in a profession with endless amount of jokes, be a Jacko look-alike because you can perform like him AND make fun of him.
So that show complete with hot ass showgirls was a good time.

I decided to spend another night at the $5 tables at the hotel and I was in and out in about 3 minutes with the dealer winding up with 21's in the craziest of ways. It was probably the fastest $20 I've had.

I wanted to rip someone’s head off, but I was up $45 bucks so I wasn’t that bend out of shape.
Day four down $20

Day 5 (Thursday)
This day I woke up early to see the NCAA tournament in the Stratosphere sports book. I came down in time for the first game (9:30am) and met about 75 people already seated doing the same. It was standing room only and I kept telling myself that if a 12-5 game was on, I’d bet on the 12 seed no matter what.

Sure enough, 12 Wisconsin-Milwaukee and 5 Alabama started right away.
I didn’t bet anything because like I said, I’m a tightass and after losing $20 the night before I didn’t have any confidence in my game.
Sure as shit, Wisconsin-Milwaukee (who I even picked as a first round upset) went on to win and I was sitting watching the Kentucky game with about twenty annoying Kentucky fans.

It is worthy of note that the Lebron James commercial where he’s sinking five 80’ shots came on and someone says,
“Jesus Christ! That’s just amazing!” I almost fainted.

So we get home and this whole damn weekend I have been stuck at home sick like a dog. With a nice malaise of snot topping off everything that I eat. Hog’s gf had a cold the whole time down there and it found it’s way over to me.

This past weekend I left my apartment about three times, which is enough to find myself walking in a circle and clapping due to the severe cabin fever. All this and I usually take pride in my immune system.

Tomorrow I’ll get back in the swing of things and talk about baseball and steroids.

Fun, fun.

7 comments:

Hannes said...

Where did you stay?

Did all the rednecks bring their own trailers?

Boof said...

I stayed at the Stratosphere which is at the north end of "The Strip" (Las Vegas blvd). Everywhere else was really damn expensive.

The actual track is on the other side of Vegas so we didn't see any trailers per se, but I'm sure there were a bunch.

Hog said...

What Berg also forgot to mention is that I won more money in one night than he did the entire week we were there.

Ha! That's right bitch, I went there!

Orbitron19 said...

You didn't go to Sapphire? The world's largest Adult Club? Dude, a NASCAR Race, the NCAA tournament and Vegas--the people watching muct have been priceless!

Hog said...

Berg's way too cheap to go to a adult club.

He wouldn't even go to the one downtown that was FREE to get into!

Boof said...

hehe That "free" adult club was reminiscent of an old fishing pier where everyone dumps thier unwanted catch on the docks.
Apparently Hog wanted to see it anyway though. Go buy some tuna, leave it in the hot sun for four days, and roll around in the stuff because it's about the same thing as that free club.

Hog said...

Hey man, it is what it is.