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Friday, March 25, 2005

Picks, Commercials, and Hell

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field

Standing alone my senses reeled

6 months of free HBO!?
A sweet cut in tax returns!?
The end of the cold!?

The last couple days of this week have been a hell of a lot of better than Monday and Tuesday were.

After watching a weekend full of NCAA basketball I noticed a couple things.
1. CBS’ coverage completely blows dogs for quarters. Where are the live look-ins? Where is the assurance that we won’t miss a classic game?
2. CBS only seems to have ten commercials that they play constantly and five of them are car commercials!

I’ll run through them one by one

-Those crazy Burger King commercials
These commercials have been the most talked about piece of tv in awhile.
What the hell is Darius Rucker thinking?
His career is over!
That commercial is just bizarre!

I love that commercial just for it’s bizarreness. The tune, costumes, and characters (especially the woman with the nice ‘caboose’) all make for a fantastic, fucking weird commercial.

-Apple IPOD
Jesus Christ, enough with the ‘crazy bitch’ dance moves.

-PowerAde Lebron James 80’ shot
I really dislike all of these Powerade commercials because I know there’s some stupid people somewhere who think these are real--much like that Kentucky fan last week in Vegas. I hate all the other actors in the commercial who go with the shots.
“Are you getting this? That has to be an 80’ shot! WHOA!”
There was also a Michael Vick commercial that I found funny where he threw a ball fifty rows into the stands.
Just that… I don’t know why it’s so funny, but it is.

What I find really funny about this commercial is how the voiceover says,
“Any erections lasting over four hours require immediate medical assistance”
hehe Like what are you gonna do? Go to the ER and tell the nurse,
“Uh yeah I’ve had this enormous boner for about five hours now. It’s like It’s a wonderful Life stuck on pause.”

-MIller Lite
These taste loss commercials are pretty good. The mocking seems genuine and I like the whole feel of these commercials. The stupid question is good too, but I can’t remember what it was.
I especially hate this nerd that says,
"I just really like programming hehe"
Just once I would like to take a 5 iron to his balls!

These are the commercials with that gawd awful “Can’t get you outta my head” song by Kylie Minouge. I seems fitting that a song titled like so wont LEAVE MY FUCKING HEAD.
Could lyrics, a beat, and rhythm be any more annoying?

-McDonalds McGriddles commercial
This is the commercial H was talking about the other day featuring some dude and a girl talking about relationships. The girl consoles the guy while describing how a woman is like a McGriddles and eating the guy’s McGriddles.
I usually don’t say anything about McDonalds commercials because if theirs anything to count on in life it’s death, taxes, and dumbass McDonalds commercials.

McDonalds have played a major role in my life. It was the first word I ever spoke.

You think I’m joking doncha? I even thought my Mom was joking when she would mention it, but the anecdote would come too often at various points of my life and it was usually said without a smile. In fact she’d frown every time it was told.

AND... my Mom is never funny. Ever!

Also I believe a McDonalds commercials started a life of chronic bitching.
The memory is really fuzzy but it featured Ronald McDonald, the hamburglar, the little nuggets, and that purple dude. Anyway the hamburglar found his way onto a plane and was flying around Ronald and the gang for some reason.
Then Ronald says,
“Hamburglar! Come back, we miss YOU!

I went from playful, gradeschool laughter to a blank stare with wide eyes muttering, “What the hell does THAT mean? ‘We miss you’? That’s fucking stupid!”

Then my Mom made me bite into a bar of soap

(Back to the commercial at hand.)
For one they call ONE sandwich a McGriddleS. For more on this, check out Midwestgrrr’s entry.
Two, the McGriddleS is(are?) highly overrated. Taking two pancakes and throwing other crap in-between is a stupid idea.
To me, it’s clearly the worst item on the McDonalds breakfast menu. I’ll take a biscuit sandwich at anytime of the day thank you.
Three, the woman has probably more rebounds than KG (ZING!)

-Valtrex or something
This is the most bizarre commercial I have seen in awhile. More bizarre than the Burger King one.
This commercial has a split screen with food on the left and a person resembling the food on the right. There is also a weird type of elevator music in the background.

(blink: blink)


These are the kind of people that would have me popping out of bed with a cold sweat at 4am on any given morning.
Watching this commercial makes me believe that Chris Cornell is going to pop out with Black Hole Sun at any given moment.

I can only imagine that Valtrex is a form of LSD by looking at those crazy people.
Even that old woman doing the curtsy at the end makes me want to throw my one beer glass against the wall.


I really sucked in yesterdays picks, so I’ll carry on

No. 1 Duke vs. No. 5 Michigan State
As much as I would love MSU to advance, I have to pick Duke.
Dick Vitale blows a gasket because Duke wins by single digits

No. 6 Wisconsin vs. No. 10 NC State
I admit, if there’s any Wisconsin team that I root for, it’s the Badger basketball team. I love how the country wants to see UNC vs Duke again and how they desperately want Wisconsin out for their highly defensive brand of basketball. I want Wisconsin to win it all just like I wanted the parents to kill Kevin Bacon’s character in Footloose.
However, I am on the NC State bandwagon
State in a close one

No. 2 Kentucky vs. No. 6 Utah
Same as above. Just replace Utah with Wisco.
Wildcats by ten. I hope otherwise though

No. 1 North Carolina vs. No. 5 Villanova
I can’t pick UNC, I just can’t.
That is too sexy of a pick. I don’t know Villanova at all but I’m picking them by one.
What the fuck… it’s Christmas right?
Nova by one

Next week:
I’ll have crap,
I’ll profess my love for someone…on the blog, not physically,
I’ll even answer five questions from another blogger

Stay tuned… or go to Hell!


Orbitron19 said...

AMEN on the commercials! I can't stand the drug commercials. Any drug that you have to go ask your doctor for is clearly something I DON'T WANT!
Every time a commercial tries to be cute with the differences in a relationship, they always make the girl out to be someone I never would date.
The Miller line is: "Can you get taste loss from a foosball table?"

Anonymous said...


the purple guy. you mean grimace, come on, you should now your mcdonald's folk lore.

vytorin is the commercial, and nothing scares me more than the fac some ad wizards sa around looking at potential models saying 'yup he looks like a giant ham' or 'i swear she's a lemon pie or my name isn't faggoty mcfagoot'

Hannes said...

I love the Powerade one with the camera man filming the runner and he ends up racing the runner with the camera on his shoulder.

At the end it says something like, "the runner gets the win but the cameraman gets the glory".