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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

About A Dumbass

Another habit says it's in love with you
Another habit says it's long overdue
Another habit like an unwanted friend
I'm so happy with my righteous self

So imagine you’re a guy who dances for a living. You know all the latest moves and the women love you for it. You wear all the John Deere hats, you’ve danced for all the big dancing entertainers and now you’re just the king shit of the dance floor.

Then you make it really big by staring in the movie “You Got Served”, which is probably the dancing equivalent of Rudy or Eternal Sunshine or The Big Lebowski—I don’t know, I don’t watch dancing movies.

So then he meets a woman and starts dating…
Bang, bang… AND SHE’S preggers.

All right, regroup make a note for next time to use something, anything for birth control and embrace your new family and keep working to support this family.

Couple years later,
Bang, bang AND THERE’S another bun in the oven. And now you have another surprise (unless these kids were planned for…which.**shudders**). Now you already have a kid, with another one on the way when you decide,
“Ya know, I need some more space in this relationship. I can’t handle all this stress of maintaining a family with my stellar dancing career.”

(Keep in mind that I don’t know how powerful the Local Dancers’ 2934 Union is, but I doubt they have much of a pull in the market.)

So you take leave from your longtime, pregnant girlfriend of (at least) four years when you meet the new woman of your dreams.

-She’s kinda hot
-She likes dancing
-She’s kinda dumb
-She has that whole ‘I NEED to have a family and NOW’ thing going for her
-She’s kinda hot
-She’s potential job security
-She’ll make me forget about my other two kids with…whoever that girl was.
-She’s the hottest thing in show business (as of 2004)
-And she’ll make me a super popular dancer! “I’ll be the Tony Hawk of dancing!”

So you hang out with her and show her a bunch of bar games, tip your truck drivin’ cap ever so gracefully to the side, and ask her to come up and listen to Maroon 5. She obliges and you sweep her off her feet with these crazy, tricky, funked-out dancing moves when she shows you her crazy, sweet, nasty-girl dance moves until a full fledged ‘dance off’ pursues.

You go first and start dancing as if Satan is coming tomorrow.
Then it’s her turn and she’s dancing like her career is coming to an end.
Then it’s your turn again and you’re onto your “best of” dance routine.
Then, with her amazement, she starts giving you her “best of” routine, which is basically just a bunch of half assed stripper moves.

Since you are a guy—and one that dances no less—she kicked your ass because she’s got a vagina backed up with an ass that you crave.

Bada-bing, bada-boom AND married…because she want’s a family…whatever, woman things, yadda, yadda.

So you’ve already have gone eight months without knocking up a woman and you’re thinking one of a couple things,

A. “pfff, I’ve had such a good run that I bet I can cut a few corners in the birth control department and give it a whirl just this once”
B. “Ya know, I would really like to have a kid with this woman. God, knows she’s been pestering me about a kid. I know I already have two and I probably couldn’t afford it because I’m a dancer and all, but the first two times I blinked when whatshername gave birth”
C. “I need this bitch’s fortune. Having a kid pretty much solidifies my dream of interrupting the World Series game 7 at Yankee stadium and having 57,000 fans cheering me on as I am dancing their brains out in the outfield!

So ya get her preggers now and now you have THREE goddamn children.

Has the guy ever heard of…
-a condom
-encouraging the woman to take birth control
-handing out diaphragms (I’m sure he could buy them cheaply if he bought them in bulk. Possibly at Sam’s Club.
“Hello, can you take me to the diaphragm aisle?”)
-Shrink wrap (if nothing else)
-abstin—ha yeah I’m sure he’s thought of that.
-that new press ‘N seal stuff for Tupperware (if shrink wrap is not around)
-saran wrap (if you don’t have that cool press ‘N seal stuff)
-jam a pencil in your ‘urethra Franklin’ (**shudders**)

Honestly I don’t know the whole story but good lord some people are fertile as hell. People like him and Larry King are like human dandelions.

Do ya really need that many kids?
And you know he’s gonna dump her ass during the third trimester and find Advil lavegne or Pink to have some more kids with.

Some genetics shouldn’t be continued. It’s not like the guy’s a Sultan or anything.


Hog said...

When I found out about this, I grabbed my demolition derby helmet and headed to the lower level of my apartment building. Armageddon is coming soon!

The Pope dies and now the slute of the century is reproducing...with a dancer nonetheless. Pretty soon there will be fire shooting from every volcano, hurricanes will intensify, and we will have two or three "perfect storms" out in the ocean. I recommend everyone grab your favorite novel, crouch down in your basement, and put that book on your head, because the fit is about to hit the shan.

What next? Xtina getting marr....oh crap...RUN!!!!

Boof said...

"put that book on your head"

BAAAAH hahahahahaha

Those Iowan are just too funny.

Orbitron19 said...

Too fucking funn! This guy should be an NBA player! Or at least an NBA dancer.....

jany computer maniac said...

The Pope dies and now the slute of the century is reproducing...with a dancer nonetheless. that's all