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Monday, April 11, 2005

All American Komputer Dumbass

Sittin here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone
It's two thousand miles I roamed
Just to make this dock my home

My personal computer is on it’s deathbed. In the past couple weeks it has been struggling to maintain any kind of functionality (if that is a word) and last night I had to give its last rites.
**tear** Little guy has taken me to heights both unimaginable and imaginable.

-I remember the time when it was making funny noises and I had everyone from Casa Futura dorm come in and listen.
-I remember I named it “Fat Hole” when I first set it up
-I remember when I got that speeding ticket after purchasing a 56K modem.
-And I’ll always remember how the monitor would haphazardly shut off and blink over and over until you beat the piss outta the thing. Then it would work like a charm.

I suppose the reason for this death is due to one of many things.

-64MB of memory (but I have upgraded it to 320MB since)
-3.99 GB’s of hard drive space
-Pentium…1 (I think)
-been beaten around for a good six years
-contains windows 98 which the CD is lost
-Office 98 without the CD and with all sorts of fun Error messages when I try to load it onto my computer.

I remember a couple weeks ago I was talking to our company computer guru because I was having a hell of a time with it.

Berg: yeah so I still have tons of spy ware despite using spy bot.
R: Have you been updating your anti virus software?
Berg: Oh you mean like repeatedly updating MacAfee?
R: yeah
Berg: Oh hell no. Never have in six years.
R: Well, that would be a great start and what do you have for a firewall?
Berg: firewall?

Right now after you leave it on for 5 hours the memory runs out and ya can’t do Jack. So I attempt to shut it down when it just stays on the “YOUR COMPUTER IS SHUTTING DOWN” for about three hours until you give up, drop kick it, and force the thing off. Keep in mind all this is during me attempting numerous hockey-like celebrations with middle fingers directed to the computer instead of fists.

Then I turn it on and it takes a good half hour for it to load up.
I’m not exaggerating, 34 minutes until I can do anything!

So with all this frustration that mounts up, I believe it’s time to throw this problem over my balcony.

So I head on over to Best Buy to take a look at computers. I have determined that I would like a laptop because the thought of having easy access porn on-the-go brings warm fuzzy-like chills up my spine.

I walk in when the Best Buy “gatekeepter” looks and says,
“Hi sir, how are you?”
“Good” and I walk two steps when another blue shirt sees me and says,
“Hello, how are you today?”
“Good” I turn to my immediate right toward the “HOT CD’S” are when another blue shirt says,
“And how are you today?”
“pfff GOOD! Damn, I just got three greeting within ten seconds!” I reply pissed off.
He didn’t listen and proceeded toward the TV’s.

I eventually headed on over to the computers when again,
D: Can I help you?
Berg: Actually yes-er maybe. I’m looking for a laptop because my home computer is a big, fat, brown turd. I use a word processor, the internet, and I am a pretty big gamer.
D takes me to a particular laptop and clasps his hands together and is trying to remember his schpeal: This one here is pretty decent. It’s got the 40gigs—
Berg: Jesus…CHRIST!!!!!
D looks at Berg in slight shock: What?
Berg: Good God that’s HUGE!!!! My computer at home only has 4gigs!
D immediately figures out how much of a dumbshit Berg is and moves to the cheaper brands: You say you’re a gamer eh? What do you play.
Berg: Well right now I play solitaire, minesweeper, and I really love free cell. I would like to broaden my horizons into other games like Space Subtraction, Oregon Trail, Number Munchers, and that crazy one with the turtle and commands like Pen Up (PU) and Pen Down (PD). You can make really cool designs with that crazy turtle!
D in shock: That was for Apple IIGS and it’s almost 20 years old!
Berg like a dork: I freakin love Oregon trail! “Boof just lost his leg!” “Boof has malaria” “Boof has elephantitis” haha oh man that’s good times! Then you go and shoot as many buffalo as you can because everyone needs to eat. Man, I remember this one buffalo I had in South Dakota…

Of course I never said that, but I was surprised at how ‘out of the loop’ I have been on computers.

When it comes to Windows, I can hang in there with some decent company. Windows is pretty much retardproof. If you know Word then you can easily figure out excel and **shudders** PowerPoint.
I’m also pretty much the best right clicker I know of and I am willing to challenge even Bill Gates himself at a right clicking competition.

I have also mastered the CONTROL+TAB combo like a brain surgeon and I have been able to copy and paste from web pages that don’t even allow such capabilities.
I can even work the number pad like Ron Mexico works his herpes into unknowing broads.

I can cut and paste like a motherfucker--like a MAD motherfucker!

When it comes to inside the computer, I am no better than my parents at what is what and stuff like Megahertz and gigawats and kilos and processors, and Intel inside, and motherboards, and ounces, and megabytes…It’s like a microwave: I use it all the time but I don’t know what the hell is inside it. Nor do I care as long as that spoon is making cool noises.

As I peruse through numerous brands of laptops I keep on trying to remember what I grew up with.

In elementary school I we had the Apple II GS and I have been itching for years to play space subtraction again.

Then in middle school we had newer Apples where you had to tear the sides off of documents from the printer. I don’t think it had any games on it though.

Then in High school we had these Macs where one can surf the web and play that puzzle game. I don’t know what the hell it was either.

Then I remember growing up and all my computer guru friends would always slide Mac’s into some joke like,
“Wow she is as stupid as an Apple” and I would go along with,
“Yeah like a big RED apple! Haha”

I didn’t know why Mac’s were considered dumb. I didn’t even know Mac’s and Apple were the same thing until I bought a computer.

Despite that, I think I may end up going with an Apple Ibook G4. It sounds really damn cool and it’s reletively inexpensive.

Than again I am just an all American Caucasian dumbass and any advice would be appreciated.


Unrelated, but I would like to pimp out a site that has been around for awhile now.
The dude’s funny as hell and he’s rapidly gaining popularity
Check it out!

http://jasonmulgrew.com/ and/or www.everythingiswrongwithme.blogspot.com

1 comment:

Orbitron19 said...

I am so jealous right now....I want an Apple Laptop so bad!!!
My home computer is almost the exact same one that Matthew Broderick used in "War Games".