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Monday, April 11, 2005

The Alpha Dumbass

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back
I play for keeps, ’cause I might not make it back
I been everywhere, still I’m standing tall
I’ve seen a million faces an I’ve rocked them all

Taupin and John
Page and Plant
Lennon and McCartney
Nick and Boof

That was definitely the case on Saturday night when we sang “Dead or Alive” to about thirty people—and rocked them all!

Before our best Jon Bon Jovi/Richie Zambora impersonation, we attended the Twins game. A game that was a bit annoying in many ways.

Early on the game was relatively close and there was a decent crowd of 41,000.

I flat out cannot stand crowds. I can't. The bigger the audience the more annoyed I get.

I think that the propotion of idiots, morons, and dumbarses is about 6:1—meaning that with every six people there is bound to be an idiot, moron, or dumbass in the bunch. With a small group it’s it’s tolerable. Even with a thousand people I find it tolerable, but with 10,000 or more it gets to be an infection.

Lets say we have 10,000 people, which would have 1667 people that fit into one of the three categories. During a game, concert, or any event these 1667 people will actually drag the others into their world of stupidity.

If you were to put two of these dumbasses right besides someone who is halfway sane, the halfway sane person will eventually succumb to being a dumbass because of the “dumbass sandwich” he or she was partaking in.

So once the numbers start growing you’ll have the leader (or leaders) of the dumbasses come down to the front of the stands where he or she will be wearing some stupid-ass hat and start yelling.


This will be taking place during a crucial at bat where runners are at second and third with two out and a 3-2 count to the lefty (who is being pitched at by a righty) at the plate.

I believe my theory is right because this Alpha dumbass will actually get about 60 people to partake in the wave. Then the people in the stands adjacent will be watching the whole wave thing as opposed to the interesting game (the game they paid to see) and proceed in trying to jump-start this wave.

Then you have the “drunks” who always need beer and never know when to purchase it. They don’t understand that you wait until the END of the at-bat/inning so you’re not blocking the game from anyone else. Throughout out the game is seems as if they’re practicing the stair climber because they’re constantly running up and down the isles needing, WANTING that beer because they don’t know anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good brew every now and then, but not when it’s $6 a beer.

Crap List

1. The price at the concession stands.
I purchased a dome dog and the smallest beverage one could find—$8.75.
I had to do it because you haven’t been to the dome until you’ve had a dome dog. Just like you haven’t been to the dome unless you’re blown out the doors. Its not like ‘crapping your pants’ exciting but it’s worth it!

With $6 beers it’s pretty evident who the market is going for. To me, no one in their right mind will play $6 for a cup of Miller Lite.
No way man!
One could sprinkle some pepper into a glass of water and even that would be stronger than most beers at any sporting event.

However, people still do buy gallons and gallons of the stuff despite the price.
These people are
So rich that they don’t care what the beer costs
So bored that they NEED a beer just to have something to do. People who really shouldn’t be at the game
Complete slap-happy alcoholics.

We were sitting in the “cheap seats” at the time so A probably doesn’t apply.
Also, I consider 90% of the population to be alcoholics so I know C is indeed involved, but I think B is the overwhelming factor because of the overall crowd.

2. People who turn on their air conditioners in April
Are people so ‘indoorsy’ that they need the air running already? It hasn’t been above 75 yet and people are closing their windows and yelling at their kids for leaving the bathroom door open.

If they think it’s uncomfortable already…hehe be prepared to peel newspapers off your arms in July.

I know some people in SW Minnesota that don’t even have air conditioners and are perfectly all right without air conditioning.

I have a better idea, lets just burn a big pile of money!


3. The idea that ‘Annoying’ makes for a popular song.
It seems that there are a whole bunch of songs our now that have some sort of annoying melody in their songs.
Jlo’s latest song features (whatisit?) a sax that sounds like high-pitched woman farts.
Who produces this crap and how does one determine that an annoying sax sounds awesome when playing constantly and in annoying ways.

I mentioned it last week but Mariah Carey has her “it’s like that chall” OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!! I especially like the “tha-tha-tha-tha-like that chall” line.

It’s very cathartic actually. Her dog must’ve died.

4. Little foofoo dogs
I hate how people like Paris Hilton bring their damn dogs everywhere they go. Little dogs like hers should watch out because they might end up falling in her bottomless crotch…a crotch that seems to have been exposed on more than one occasion.
Then they make their little foofoo dog wave to the cameras.
Dogs are dogs and even the foofoo ones shit in your yard and piss on your leg

Whoever has said this in the past two weeks deserve a hefty boot in the temple. I’ve heard the local media, peers, and other bloggers talk about how the Twins have an ungodly amount of catchers.

First of all one of the four is Matthew LeCroy who is a catcher just like Chili Davis was a catcher just like I am a construction manager. So yes, we have technically have four catchers, but I’m sure Torii Hunter and Jacque Jones could also catch. Then we’d have like six catchers.
SIX CATCHERS!?!*&*)*&*(^&^%)*&_*? Good lord!
What are the Twins going to do with SIX CATCHERS?

Tomorrow, I’ll talk about how stupid I am with computers!


Eric Wormann said...

On Saturday I got a Budweiser and a hot dog at Yankee Stadium. Twelve Dollars. I could have gone to shop rite and gotten a 6 of Budweiser and 24 hot dogs.

Boof said...

Man, where did you sit? How much were tickets? Does everyone take the subway to get there?

Eric Wormann said...

1. I sat in the upper deck on the right field side and yelled at sammy sosa the whole time. I'll be putting pictures up soon, but here's my view:

2. I got tickets from my friend Stacy, who's dad gave her 2 tickets for 10 saturday games for her birthday, but the price on the ticket says $37.

3. I live 45 minutes away from NYC in New Jersey, so I obviously didn't take the subway. Route 80 east to the George Washington Bridge to the Cross Bronx Expressway to the Major Deegan to the parking garage across the street from the stadium.