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Monday, April 25, 2005

Berg's NFL Draft Grades

Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

Minnesota Vikings: F
Green Bay Packers: F
Los Angeles Raiders: F
Mel Kiper Jr.: F; Chris Berman F; Torry Holt F; ESPN F;
Cardinals, Aaron Rodgers, NFL, Scooter McGruder, Jumpy Gathers, Paul Tagliabue, 6 goddamn hours: F! F! F!!!!!!!!

EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING: F!!!!!

I HATE the stupid NFL Draft. It’s the most boring piece of over-rated crap I have ever heard of. I spent 1.5 hours sitting in front of the tv just too see endless amounts of speculation and only five guys being drafted. FIVE!

Oh my sweet lord, how can anyone stand to watch that? How can 4,000 people enjoy themselves at Winter Park? It’s scary.

The crap list for today is dedicated toward concerts because music concerts are the source of endless amounts of crap. For me, the more anticipated the artist, the more annoyed I get.

1. T-shirts
Talk about gouging the fans. You have a band or performer that clearly wouldn’t be where they are without their lifeblood: the fans. So the fans finally get to see their performer of choice and T-shirts are $30, $40? These T’s are also made with the cheapest material from some slave labor camp in Asia--s’cuse me, the BEST slave labor camp in Asia.
I especially like how the shirts date themselves by putting the current year so if you wear it next year, people know how old the shirt is.
When I’m a performer, T’s are only gonna be $15 (start saving!).

2. The crazy drunk’s that can’t shut up
Once the first couple notes of a particular popular song are played all the girls start screaming and the guys start hooting.
If you like the song some much, wouldn’t you want to listen to the whole song? Even the first couple notes? This is especially annoying during acoustic songs because, dammit, SHUT UP!

I will be the first to admit that I hate audience participation because I didn’t come for the audience, I came for the performer. When the crowd starts singing Wish You Were Here, I wanna tear everyone’s throat out because the crowd sounds terrible. You have these women who are over anxious and drunk guys both combining their loud vocals and when the numbers are in the thousands, I just want to throw up.

3. “Thanks everyone! We’ll see you again!”
When you know they’re just going to grab a beer, smoke a deathstick, or lie down for a bit.
I hate it! They blow kisses to the crown and the band members follow suit only to return in about 3 minutes to play their ‘best of the best’.

I would feel much better if they could just say,
“yeah, thanks. I gotta go rest for a couple minutes. I’ll be back in three minutes. Keep cheering though!”

Instead everyone’s cheering them on for the obvious encore. Now if the houselights were on and the encore didn’t seem as obvious, I would be all for it!

4. Identical setlists
How the hell can an artist day-in and day-out play the same damn songs in the same rotation over and over again? Maybe I’m just too used to Pearl Jam’s daily setlist switchup, but it just seems appropriate to change things up on a nightly basis.
How can a concert not be “canned” if the same order of songs are performed?
I’m sure the artist has the concerts length down to the minute.

5. “Please step on back and buy some CD’s”
Wow, what a damn whore! People paid twenty bucks to see ya and you tell people to buy your shit.
I find that appalling!

Tomorrow I’ll give you the scoop of Patty Griffin live from Madison. Not that any of the above has anything to do with it.

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