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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Berg's selection for Pope

Mama says god tends to every little skinny sheep
So count your ribs and say your prayers and get to sleep
Nothing is louder to god's ears than a poor mans sorrow
Daddy is poor today and he will be poor tomorrow


Man, do I feel GREAT! It’s like I just drank a dozen Dewski’s and am talking to Karen Sisco.

Last Sunday I found myself in a state that I never thought I’d imagine.
I was sitting on the couch (okay not surprising), watching tv (yeah, I know), watching wall to wall reports on the Pope.

It was the best tv I have seen in a long time. I love how completely insane people get when tragedy happens.

“Of course this is not the only Pope to have passed away”
“Millions of people shocked at the news coming from the Vatican this night in Rome.”
“The Vatican wants everyone to know that whatever happens, the church will live on”

That last one really cracks me up.

As if the faith would really crumble because the Pope passed away.

Then I wonder why people are shocked whenever someone over 70 passes away. The way I see it, bets are off with anyone over 70 especially with John Paul II being in the condition he’s been in the past year.

I totally understand the mourning, but the complete insanity is a bit much.

Anyway, another thing that interested me was the thoughts on the next pope.

1. The next Pope will not be American
That would ultimately answer the “globalization” question with a stern NO. Of course with an American Pope I just think of a typical American wearing the whole Pope get-up saying,
“Now pray with me brothers and sisters…GITRDUN!”

Yeah, I’m sure I just offended a couple people with the sheer thought of a Californian Pope. Wow, that’s just downright scary!

2. The Pope will probably be Italian
Apparently most of the historical Popes have been Italian and a Polish Pope (especially at the age of 58) is unheard of.

3. The next Pope will be old
…As in over 70 because the cardinals won’t want the next Pope to live as long as John Paul II did.
This, makes no sense to me at all. Picking someone because they’ll pass away sooner seems…Well, there’s something wrong with that thinking.
You pick a world religious leader to be old so he dies fairly soon?
That’s like something that only I could come up with.

So with all that in mind, I will bring you my nomination for Pope.

If there was a chance that the cardinals came together and decided to let me decide the next Pope—Me, the one who holds a bit of a grudge with my Mom for forcing me to go to church. Me, who pretty much doesn’t understand a lot of Catholic core issues. Me, who once farted so loudly in church that I couldn’t stop laughing. Me, who badgers my Mom with the unanswered questions about religion that only “faith” answers.
Me, who represents Catholicism as well as MTV represents music. Me, who got knocked in the head by the priest during my own baptismal. Me, who would always get a headache from holy water.

If they allowed me to come up with a Pope I would select….

Sara Evans.

I select Evans because she believes in Catholicism (I think) and all that other stuff.
She’s woman, which would help the religious women’s movement.
When she speaks, people listen or at least pay attention.
If she was giving out a prayer, I would sure as hell listen!
She seems like a good natured woman—I don’t know, probably.
She’s got a great voice!
She’s HOT!! Not that a Pope has to be hot or anything, but it helps.

Of course she’s
American
Not Italian
Not old
A woman
A country singer
Someone that I came up with
Someone who is not even close to being smart enough to be the Pope.

But, if they wanted my advice...

Now if I were Pope…..

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