Yes, I'm dead loose
from the noose that's kept me hanging around.
I'm just, uh, livin' on the side 'cause it's gettin' me high,
forget the hearse cause I never die.
I got nine lives, cat's eyes,
each and evry one of them is wondrin why
Let me explain.
I must come right out and say it. For those of you that know me you probably don’t know that you're on probation. Everyone I know of (friends AND family) currently is on a one-year probationary term, which is iron clad. The probationary term never ends unless a full year has gone by and we have not contacted each other in any way. In this case you have been filed in the “old face” category.
Lets face it, if we haven’t seen each other in a year then we don’t value our current friendship because if we did we’d get together and have scones or something. I firmly believe this because it pains me to talk to the people that have been filed away. In fact, I will go out of my way NOT to talk to these people.
Last Saturday before that concert I had to shave my head. Everything’s going fine until I turn on the razor and it’s not working right. I just shaved half my hair until I realized that I need to purchase another shaver from Walgreens.
So I put on the one pair of sweatpants and the closest t-shirt I could find just so I can look like a decent burnout as opposed to a terrible looking junkie.
I get to Walgreens wearing my cap so no one can see the masterpiece beneath it when I find my old buddy Steve. Steve has been a life long pal and although we don’t talk as much as we used to, we still catch up every three months or so to see what’s new. We’re talking in front of Walgreens and everything is comfortable and listenable until I saw the most frightening person I have possibly ever seen.
The feeling of complete shock wrapped in horror and terror left me with the urge to come up with something, anything that would get me away from this situation. I saw her shut her car door when my wind was knocked out like someone punched me in the back.
Suddenly I wasn’t interested in the conversation with Steve anymore. I was fixed on the two-legged hell that was about to come and suffocate me in the verbal form of the worst, longest and most annoying Christmas card ever received.
It was the mother of a friend from a LONG time ago and I knew she would want to hug and ‘catch-up’ seeing as we haven’t seen each other in over five years. Time was in slow motion as I watched her walk toward us and finally recognize both of her “kids”.
She used to call me and Steve her “kids” from back in the nineties because the three of us were in scouts for so long and she would play the annoying mother and tag along with everything. It was annoying.
Should I run? Ugh, I can’t it would be too obvious and I’m talking to Steve.
Should I try and ignore her? Can’t she knows Steve and she would recognize me in no time.
I was trapped. There was nothing I could do.
I watched her pacing toward us when her face brightened up and she started to make a scene in front of Walgreens and says this,
“TOM! Oh wow what a surprise! Huh huh, Whoa, looks like you put on a couple pounds!” To
which I rolled my eyes and replied,
“You little bitch. HOW DARE YOU GREET ME WITH THE ‘YOU’RE GETTING FAT’ REFERENCE. YEAH NICE TO SEE YOU TOO YA FUCKIN’ CRAZY-ASS BITCH. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF GREETING IS THAT? MAYBE NEXT TIME I’LL GIVE YOU A ROUNDHOUSE TO THE HEAD AND GIVE YOU A BICYCLE KICK TO THE CROTCH AND THAT WOULD BE MY GREETING! How does THAT make you feel now bitch?” On the inside that is.
On the outside it was more like,
Berg: Oh ha ha, (rolls eyes) yeah I guess I am. So…
At this point Steve was long gone after his quick greeting and I was stuck talking to her for about 10 minutes. Ten minutes I can’t ever have back.
None of that awkwardness was necessary if I had a pamphlet and the acceptable behavior of me walking the fuck away.
Oh how I hate talking to old faces. This woman’s probation has definitely been up for awhile now and I would kill a little baby deer just to avoid talking to her.
Instead of talking to her I could’ve just handed her a personal pamphlet to get the same point across with less emotional distress.
The pamphlet is brilliant! It gives all the annoying information that you have to tell old faces and you don’t have to sit and talk to them.
In this pamphlet will be,
-Where you live
-Where you go/went to school and date of graduation
-Who your gf/bf/spouse
-A very brief line about the other people in your family
-Where you work
Throw in a couple pictures and you have a introverts masterpiece.
So when you see someone you really don’t want to talk to, just hand them a personal pamphlet and walk the hell away. You save the time and awkwardness of having to talk/greet them and the general message comes across.
Back to the probation talk.
The clock is ticking and every time I see you guys, the year is automatically reset from that day. Once the year ends and still no contact, then it will take a series of steps for which I will talk about another day.
Throughout the year the status of the person changes from good friend to friend to strong acquaintance to a genuine acquaintance to weak acquaintance and finally the old face.
Once the ‘old face’ status is set, the pamphlets start coming out and there’s never any conversation given-NEVER.
Life would be a little easier and I would be leader of the introverts!