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Sunday, April 17, 2005

Networks O' Crap

Whatcha doin' with a suitcase
Tryin' to hit the ground with both feet runnin'
Aren't you trippin' on your shoelace

I was sucked into watching the Sureal life on VH1—the one with the brady, the GoGo, and Da Brat. In every episode these ‘has beens’ have to either get drunk and make out with someone or follow an activity already put into place by the VH1 production staff.

This one episode I was watching involved every person (7 in all I think) to pitch an idea in front of the VH1 executive for a new VH1 show with the winner actually having the show go through.

Hmmm…

Does anyone else find this interesting? Interesting in terms of “How long can VH1 continue on with this crap” type of interesting.

They had all sorts of ideas: celebrity chariot racing; marrying a Brady in two weeks; and tag team fucking or something. The winner was Da Brat’s Brutally Honest show where she would ‘tell it like it is’.

Why doesn’t VH1 and/or MTV both just put a hot teeny-bopper girl and a pack of hungry wolves in a small room for 24 hours with Mariah Carey’s music behind it and call it reality tv. That’s just about how cheap things are becoming.
“Ah since we can film a show and pay a celeb creator a fraction of what a real creator would demand, let’s kill two birds with one stone!”

Why not have a show where you take all the popular, celebrity woman and have someone wash their face to see what they really look like. I call this show Two Faced!

Why not show a hottie pigging out at a buffet? I call it ‘Hottie Pigging Out at a Buffet’.

Speaking of bad channels…

1. ESPN
I remember when ESPN was the actual leader in sports. When they did seem to have objective reporting and analysts. When they wouldn’t make up their own stories.

A. The NBA coverage
When NBC was in it’s last years covering the NBA I was glad because I was getting sick of how they would always have the Lakers and Blazers on just about every Sunday unless the Knicks and Pacers were on. That and the subtle kissing up they would do to the league.
I was glad because I liked ESPN’s baseball coverage at the time and I thought they would do a good job.

WRONG! ESPN with Steven A. Smith and Bill Walton is flat out, unbearable. Smith has to be hard of hearing because he can’t just talk, he yells. Then when it comes to Walton, every game he announces he has his new “best player in the history of the world” playing and he literally talks out of his nose. Also he’s the ugliest motherfucker east AND west of the Mississippi.
Plus, ESPN seems to be the national affiliate of the Cleveland Cavaliers because LeBron is the second coming of Jesus (I swore I heard someone say that one time). LeBron, whos team is currently OUT of the playoffs.
What was especially classy is how they used the Pacer/Piston brawl to sell the rematch on Christmas Day. Nice touch!

B. The Baseball coverage
How many goddamn times do we have to see the Red Sox and Yankees play? Twice is enough for the first two weeks because I understand the rivalry and what happened last year but the season is just two weeks old. I mean April baseball is only a notch above spring training because managers are afraid of their pitching staff, hitters are still finding their groove (or hitting everything coming to them), and we still don’t know much about any of the teams yet.

So maybe, just maybe instead of showing the fifth straight game of Sox/Yankees maybe show the inaugural game of the Nationals. I don’t know, to me it sounds interesting when our nation’s capital--that has been without baseball for 34 years--is now hosting a baseball game.
I was really surprised that THAT particular game was not televised, but maybe LeBron was on or they had to blow up a story about how fans are out of control now.

2. People who don’t get out of the way
You got these fat-assed retards who have to **need to** walk side by side even if there are a half dozen bike riders coming at them; a dozen bike riders who want to pass them; and my badass self when there’s nowhere else to go.
Nothing is going to stop these stubborn fat fucks from talking about how lil Billy can finally take a dump properly or how Earl has a rash on his ass.

What’s worse is WHEN THEY DON’T EVEN TALK!!! What’s the need to walk side-by-side in everyone’s way if you’re not even expressing the need to talk?

3. Billboards around town with an extreme close-up of this mug!
It’s a ridiculous close-up! I try not to call someone ugly unless they’re in the spotlight and they are highly regarded as Hot, or when they are anchoring a news program. Reason being that whenever one is giving the news, they have to be somewhat decent to look at.


This woman is the lead anchor and she is **not** easy on the eyes—in fact she looks like a hunchback on the news desk and…AND she has a deep, DEEP Minnesotan accent. It’s totally Fargo type material. I mean Jesus Christ; I know people do talk exactly how it is portrayed in Fargo, BUT DON’T PUT SOMEONE ON THE NEWS LIKE THAT?
GOOD…. GOD!!
“In tooodays news, dere was a firrre in dat dere Roooseville yah yuuu betcha!”

Going back to that billboard though, talk about keeping your eyes on the road. It’s like you’re driving around the corner and—SWEET MOTHER OF GOD keep those eyes on the double yellow lines!

That or someone should spray paint underneath her mug (if they can withstand being that close) “BIG UGLY SISTER IS WATCHING YOU!”

Pfew!
Tomorrow, I’ll talk about Nicolas Cage and his movies.

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