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Sunday, April 03, 2005

Opening Day!

It’s like that ch’all
It’s like that ch’all
It’s like the-the-the-the-the-the-a like that ch’all
It’s like that ch’all

Another stroke of lyrical brilliance by one, Mariah Carey.
**stand and applauds**
How do they come up with those kind of lyrics?

Mariah, you are a genius!

Today is opening day (and not yesterday) and this is as close to a national holiday as it gets. Today is probably the best Monday of the year.

I remember back in school I would greatly anticipate coming home for the first Twins game of the year. I even remember a lot of them.
I remember playing the Brewers in ’92 and just barely beating them (from the arm of John Smiley, I believe)
I remember how we got stuck playing the Tigers (sorry Ron) for about five years in a row.
I remember how a couple years ago while playing the Royals, Jacques Jones and David Ortiz started the season with back-to-back homers to kick off the season.

I also remember hanging out at my bus stop in the Spring of ’91 telling everyone that I the Twins would win the World Series that year (based off of spring training). That naïve thought process earned me a lot of inner praise and I haven’t lost that naivety yet!

Seriously though, I love opening day--It’s the only day of it’s kind. Football has been trying to pimp up “kickoff weekend” but it’s just week one of sixteen. Basketball, it always seems to open in Zimbabwe or Tokyo and the games are on at 4am. NHL, nothing either.

So here, today, is my baseball edition of a Crap List

1. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
This is actually what they’re calling themselves!
Why the hell can’t we come up with a name for the Angels? California Angels (wouldn’t that title include everything in Cali?). Then it was the Anaheim Angels because Anaheim wanted to be on the map, now it’s that long ass title.
Why not call the Seattle Mariners the Seattle Mariners of Japan or the St. Paul Twins of Minneapolis.
Better yet, just call ‘em the Earth Angels. That way people in London could root for the Angles because they represent (repre-ZENT!) the world.

2. The Texas Rangers
Because they wont give up their “Senator’s” label.

So ah, Texas, now that you’re calling yourselves the Rangers and could not possibly ever call yourselves the Senator’s, WHY THE HELL WONT YOU GIVE UP THAT NAME?

I believe the Rangers organization owns the rights to the Senator’s name (because they are the second incarnation of the Senator’s team) and they wont give up the rights because—I don’t know, maybe they want a cut of the profits or something?
It just seems extremely generic to have a team named the Washington Nationals when we could have the senator’s back.

Because of this, I will never root for the Rangers.
It would’ve been so sweet to have the Senator’s back but, NOOOOOO.

3. Metrodome
Speaking of the former Expos, now that they’ve left the billion-dollar Olympic Stadium, the Metrodome is now, without a doubt, the shittiest baseball stadium around. It was before, but we always had Olympic stadium somewhere in that category to take some of the heat off.
Yes, we still have to deal with a fucking huge milk carton in right field and more of the worst and most confusing mascot in baseball with TC the bear (why a bear?).
And also,

4. The First and Third Baseline Seats.
Easily the worst seats in baseball. I would much rather buy a cheap seat (that is what they’re officially calling them this year too. Nice touch) than having seats that face Jacque Jones in the outfield while Johan Santana is trying to strike out Manny Ramirez (not that it’s hard or anything).
I mean these seats may be worth it. I can imagine a father/son going to their first game…

Lil’ Billy: Dad, this sure is the ugliest stadium ever!
Dad: yeah sure is Billy, it can only get better at this point. Say Billy, you know these seats that we’re sitting in right now?
Lil’ Billy: yeah Dad?
Dad: These seats are the worst seats of all time and I paid about $30 for them!

5. The Loss of Humiliation With Striking Out
So a guy hits 40 homeruns and strikes out 180 times in the process. Great season right?
WRONG, anyone that strikes out more than 162 times in a year should be laughed at. What the hell ever happened to the embarrassment of striking out? Why is it no longer a big deal if anyone strikes out? Why are players allowed two strikeouts a game when they hit a homerun every five days?

People should stand up and point and laugh at any hitter that strikes out three times in a game.

6 Sunday Night games starting out the season.
You know, if baseball was smart enough or had anyone running it with a brain they’d start the season on a Saturday or even a Sunday.

Yeah ok I know, I know that will screw up scheduling and it’s traditionally started out on a Monday since… whenever, but wouldn’t a weekend game just be better?
Wouldn’t it be that much more of a treat to have nonstop baseball on TV where you could actually watch it instead of coming home from work and seeing the last couple innings? Plus, the schedule is already screwed up with the Monday start and their 3 days off in the first ten days.

Oh but the Final Four is on! Oh BS, the Final Four isn’t going to stop Opening Day. It’ s not even stopping the Championship game on Monday either.
The only other days days that come close to Opening day are Memorial day, Independence day, and Labor day.

7. Pools, Arcades, Activities, and Other Crazy Things in Stadiums
Ok, what’s the need for any of this? If you don’t care in watching the game, then DON’T GO!!! If you’re all stoked about swimming out in right field during any game (let alone a playoff game) you deserve to be shot!

Then arcades are another thing, why would anyone pay the price of admission just to play video games?

Tell ya what, those people should just give me half their money, I can go back in the ally and kick them in the nutz, and we can call it even! (yeah, I just saw Vegas Vacation)

These are the same people that leave in the 7th inning to beat the traffic during a tie game.

Man, I can’t wait for this season to start. It seems that since Boston is no longer the wishful pick ESPN has climbed onto the Twins bandwagon. Peter fucking Gammons even predicts a Twins WS ring! Ugh

Tomorrow I’ll have my picks for the new pope.

I call it Pope Selection Tuesday!


Orbitron19 said...

Hey! Don't forget we got stck watching the Twins for like five years too! Outside in the cold!

Eric Wormann said...

Holy crap, $30 for 1st or 3rd baseline seats? You've never been to Yankee Stadium before, have you?

Oh, and the Twins are gonna blow. Again.

Boof said...

Nah, but I'd love to go!
Believe me if you ever sat in these seats you'd be like, "Damn, I wouldn't even give you fake money for these seats!"

Those seats suck balz!