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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Some Movies Shouldn't Be Made

And he says, "What do you love to do?
Outside your world,
Who spends time with you
From whom do you learn when you're not working... Sweet Girl....

I had to run backwards into a couple different brick walls in order to gain back the humility I had before yesterdays post.

I’m alright now.

At midnight when I get home from work I usually grab a beer, restart my computer, shout quiet and insulting profanities towards my comp in the half hour it takes for it to load, and turn on the HBO.

Last week I saw a movie that has left my consciousness for years. This was a movie that –8 years ago—I regarded as a “good” movie and now…well it’s not the same.

This is a movie that was riding the huge wave of one of John Travolta’s comebacks.

This movie is called Face/Off and it's complete dogshit.

Where do I begin….?

John Travolta is the protagonist: A struggling family man, big shot cop, and has some emotional issues.
Nicolas Cage is the antagonist: a screwed up murderer who wants to kill people.

Cage knows about a bomb and is in a coma. Travolta needs to know where this bomb is.
Here lies the problem.
Solution: Change the faces. Put the comatose Cage’s face onto the body of Travolta. Then Travolta will be able to play the role of Cage hence Face/Off (get it bwahaha).

With such a transformation, voice boxes reflecting the original voice is implanted. Sounds like something I made up!

Anyway as Cage is lying comatose, he wakes up and starts calling his posse….because they just leave cell phones in hospital rooms with minimal security for highly dangerous murderers—I don’t know.

He calls the doctor in and the doctor changes his face to Travolta’s.
Meanwhile Travolta is playing Cage’s part inside the maximum-security prison and no one can tell the difference. (because we wouldn’t have a movie otherwise)

So as the two are living in each other’s worlds, none of their loved ones can tell the difference because—Hey, if the face is right it’s all good!
I guess Travolta has Cage’s exact love handles and Cage has Travolta’s dingle berries. And they both must have the exact same body type because no one, NO ONE can tell the difference.

Alright so this movie has an annoying plot hole.

Travolta breaks out of the maximum-security prison and gaurds are gunned down as if Travolta is playing Time Crisis II or something. Travolta kills a bunch of guards, starts a riot with prisoners, and breaks out.

Then comes the big shoot out between Travolta and Cage with the slow motion camera shots and the doves flying as the black dressed Travolta enters the scene. (NICE symbolism btw. Might as well just tell everyone in subtitles what the scene is alluding to).

So during the gunfight we see tons of choreography, slow motions slides, and the glorious poses by Travolta.

That wastes a good fifteen minutes and then they find a couple speedboats in a near empty harbor on a pretty decent day—go figure. Now they’re chasing each other with these high-powered speedboats that just happen to be absent mindedly tied off somewhere.

It was at this point where I jumped to my computer and was looking to see what sort of part Jerry Bruckheimer had in this movie because if you need to make a completely horrible fucking movie, Jerry B is the guy to talk to. Bruckheimer has a glorified history of producing turd-burger movies like Coyote Ugly (minus the women) and his crowning achievement in Pearl Harbor. Need I go on?

But no, this movie had nothing to do with Bruckheimer, it was John Woo who directed it. Now THAT makes sense--the guy who directed the crap known as Mission Impossible 2. The movie where, in terms of plot, ANYTHING can happen!

Back to the movie: now they both end up on one boat while the other careens over toward another stationary boat and ends up blowing up sky high…because we all know a spark justsohappend to ignite the fuel tank.

Blah,blah,blah The end.

Apprently no one cares that the real Travolta killed a bunch of guards breaking out of prison and he even adopts Cage’s kid…because--fuck, I don’t know.

I think this movie will make my personal list of Stupidest Goddamn Movies Ever alongside: Reign of Fire, Rules of Engagement, Mission Impossible 2, and The Day After Tomorrow.

Now I am watching Phone Booth and, although I haven’t watched the first 25 minutes, this could make the list someday as well!


Orbitron19 said...

How can "Armageddon" not be on the list of movies that should never have been made? If an asteroid actually hit Earth while Aerosmith was playing that dumbass song & Live Tyler & Ben Affleck were acting out the Animal cracker scene, it would have been AWESOME!

Boof said...

Ah, yes I forgot. Armegeddon was bad, but I think that Deep Impact was even worse.

You have a spaceship full of nukes and it takes until the 23rd hour to figure out the notion of just running into the fucker with ten nukes.

Then the whole 'we'll stay in a cave for three years' is one of the dumbest god damn plans I have ever heard of.