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Friday, April 29, 2005

The Time I Got 'Felt Up'

Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

So ah…

You guys want to hear about the time I was ‘felt-up’ by my old friend’s mother (?).
**blank stare**

What-do ya think it’s going to be penthouse type material?

Alright. **frowns**


I must start out that it’s not easy living day after day knowing that you’re buddy’s Mother felt you up. I mean everyday is such a struggle and no one ever understands.

I spend my nights crying and masturbating simultaneously as a daily reminder of this one unforgettable day (which I forgot until Hog reminded me).

No one understands that lying down on the couch in tighty-whities, eating Doritos, all while watching public access TV every Saturday afternoon is the way I cope with such an emotional scar.

Those eating contests--yup, related to D’s mom feeling me up.
Peeing off that balcony--felt up
Befriending Hog--felt up

I’ve always wanted to tell people, but…I figured I just deserved it.

I was going to tell my parents, but it’s just to humiliating. What am I gonna say,
“Dad, D’s mom felt me up and now I’m emotionally fragile.” ?

It all starts out in 1997 when I was cleaning dishes from some spaghetti fund raiser where the scouts (H, I’m warning you!) were serving people spaghetti at $10 a plate (the money was going to fund our troop).

So it’s all wrapped up and I’m washing the mountain of dishes from everyone that attended. I’m totally in the dish cleaning zone until I feel a short little tug on my right back pocket.

I’m an ignorant sonofabitch, so I didn’t even turn around at first, but the tugging continued and was becoming more aggressive AND DEEPER. I turned around agitated and blurted out angrily,
“What the hell?” It was D’s Mom fumbling around in my back pocket.
“What are you doing?” I asked irritated.

“I’m just ah, I just gotta make sure you receive your mint” and she continues to fumble around in my back pocket.

I was completely stunned and looking around to see if anyone else was watching Ms. F coping a feel off of me.
No one.

I finally turned completely around and angrily asked,
“Are you all right? You could’ve just given me the mint!”

And that was that.

I washed the rest of the dishes weeping like the prototypical man’s man. I was humiliated and my emotional scars still remain to this day.

The scab was peeled on Saturday.
***************
How’s that?

Did that give ya all the info you needed?

Moral: Don't let you're friends parents feel you up. (The more you know)

Good weekends everyone.

4 comments:

Hog said...

Don't you feel better getting that out into the open?

The Ron Mexico of Blogs? Friggin hilarious!

Anonymous said...

so you're telling me you got felt up by a friend's mom, so the question that needs to be assked, how many friend's dad's 'felt' you up in the scouts?

h
warning noted, passed on

Hannes said...

Not even the goddamn common courtesy to give you a reach-around?

Boof said...

comedians,

EVERYONE'S A DAMN COMEDIAN.

pretty funny though