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Sunday, May 01, 2005

Frustrated Satisfaction

A letter came today from the draft board
With trembling hands I read the questionnaire
It asked me questions about my mama and papa
Now that ain't what I call exactly fair

Ooooh, ooooooh, oooooOOOH!

Hot damn, I’m pissed, fired up, and ready to kick some ass! I am in the most competitive mood since I can remember. I feel like challenging an old guy at arm wrestling and beating the crap out of him.

I joined a football team as in ‘touch football’ team and I paid for it as in ‘money’ and not through sex…or the occasional feel-ups. It’s a coed ‘B’ team so we’re not the best of the best although everyone does seem to be pretty good.

Tonight we lost and now I’m sucking down on a blizzard and in the most competitive mood possible. I call this particular mood: frustrating satisfaction.

Next week I’m going about this hard core. I’m going to upgrade my footwear from these old ass worn out Asics to some flat-out cleats. Then I’m going to buy me some gloves and throw on some stick-um (whatever the hell that is). Then if that none of that works, I’m going to try steroids.

I believe the league has the old Major League Baseball policy on steroids which is, ‘we don’t care what the hell you do’, so why not!

I’ll get fucking huge/good that I’ll end up being the king of touch football!

Crap list

1. One drunk and one sober person
It’s really gotta be the most unbearable conversation ever when you meet your buddy and he/she is drunk.

D: So, I heard you graduated, whatttt are yous doing now?
Berg: Well I’m still working at ‘MY JOB’ and…
D at this point is looking elsewhere and yelling at another person: HEY JOE! LICK THAT SHIT UP!

It’s at this point I pretty much want to slap her in her face because OBVIOUSLY she doesn’t care and she’s OBVIOUSLY just making drunk small talk.

I especially liked it at the end where we stood up and just before we were going to hug good bye,

D approaches Berg and then gets destracted by someone else: I’M COMING!

With me left holding the bag… what. The fuck???

2. Bud Selig
This is more of a good natured edition to the crap list because it seems that with every 1000 decisions he makes, there ends up being one very good decision in the process.
For years he’s given us crap like interleague play, contraction (wrong teams that is), and tied All Star Games (which really made the all star game stock plummet).
Now he finally came up with the brilliant idea to tack on a 50 game suspension with any steroid user.

It’s about damn time he’s played that effective card. Here are the reasons why:
1. The public will stand behind such a severe penalty.
2. He finally effectively addresses the problem.
3. It drives a profound blow to the players union, (one of the strongest unions in the country).
4. It’s pretty much common sense.
5. It ensure the integrity of the game by placing the steroid issue alongside the gambling issue in the cardinal rules of baseball.
6. Congress just might just get off his back.

So why the hell did it take him this long to figure this out? This specific topic is completely hilarious because it just shows how stupid Selig is.

3. Women and their love for shoes
Chalk this up in the ‘Women: WTF’ category. We had this discussion earlier this weekend,

X: Damn, these shoes hurt like hell!
Berg: Well, why do you wear ‘em then?
X: Because they’re hot!
Berg: They would be if we could see them. Your pant leg drops over your damn shoes, so what’s the point? You could be wearing BK’s for all I know with your pant leg going to the floor.
X: Well, BK’s aren’t hot though.
Berg: THOSE SHOES YOU HAVE ON ARE ONLY HOT WHEN ONE CAN SEE THEM!
X: pfff these are hot!

I have my steel toed shit kickers because they’re safe. I have my dress shoes because Nikes don’t go well with dress pants.

Shit kickers go with everything though.

2 comments:

Hog said...

What woman were you out with exactly? I can't see you hanging out with a girl for more than 10 minutes. They must especially drive YOU nuts.

Anonymous said...

I can't belive you didn't tell them about your interception in the end zone! No mention of the guy who tried to take your knees in a game of touch football. What about your bobbled catch at the fifty while you were on your knees...at the time I thought you hobby was going to be juggling not blogging.