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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

My Potential Thesis

The winter here's cold and bitter,
it's chilled us to the bone.
We haven't seen the sun for weeks,
too long, too far from home.

Tuesday 1:00am
“Hello this is security. How can we help you?”
“A BEAR! I SAW A BEAR!"
Security: A-wuh?
Berg: There’s a bear out here! I swear it was just here!
Security: Tom, where are you at?
Berg: I just saw it a minute a go. It had to be a bear!
Security: Well, we have the cameras all around that area and we can’t find it.
Berg: I swear it had to be a bear! I saw it, it was just here! Dammit, now I’m looking around
Security: Ah are ya sure you haven’t been drinking? (background guy laughing)
Berg: No, uh-not yet. Damn, it must’ve climbed that tr--THERE IT IS!
Security: Yeah, we see it now. Go out and offer it a peanut butter sandwich.
Berg: huh huh, I should.

I’ve seen bears before and it’s nothing worth any kind of commotion about…unless you live in the suburbs. What the hell was such a bear doing around here anyway?

The subject of nature has sparked my interest lately. I think I have a lead to a possible thesis if I ever decide to attend professional nerdom or graduate school as it is called. I have always spited, been jealous of, and hated graduate students ever since I came to the U of M.
I was thinking that I would do a paper on birds and how they sing and stop singing.

Here’s the info,

I find that there’s always one single bird chirping away while I lay down at 4:30am. At this time of year and day this is a little too early for the birds to wake up. After about fifteen minutes of the solo chirping another bird will join in. This duet will take place for no longer than five minutes until silence sets in.

Now I don’t care about when the chirping stops or why the first bird is chirping in the first place. I want to know how that second bird is making the first bird stop.

I know that growing up with my brother we’d stay up all night, fill our pajama bottoms with baby powder, and slap our asses all night until the giant beast would violently open the door, squint, and yell,
“GOD DAMMIT, WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP AND GO TO BED! I GOTTA WORK IN THE MORNING!”
Then me and my brother would try to silently slap each other’s ass. Always unsuccessful though.
*tear* good times.

****WARNING: TANGENT****
Me and my brother would also soak each other’s underwear under the sink and put our soaked underwear in the freezer so they eventually turn into a frozen tighty whitey frisbies.

I should do that again…

Anyway back to the whole bird thing,
I’m thinking that that second bird is saying something like my dad, like: “WILL YOU SHUT UP, IT’S NOT TIME TO WAKE UP YET!” in a nice tweety-tweet sort of way.

It’s just that the second bird takes a good 2-5 minutes, so it has to be in the form of an ass chewin’.

The next steps would be to take the GRE and somehow get accepted into grad school and pitch this particular subject and then ask for a shitload of grant money.

In no time at all I’ll be Dr. Berg!

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