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Sunday, May 15, 2005

Stocked Up on Pop

You and I in place
wasting time on dominoes
a day so dark, so warm
life that comes of no harm
you and I and dominoes, time goes by...


I’ve always played backyard football with Hog and company for about fifteen years now. Whenever we play it’s all about being outside, playing something somewhat competitively, and working up a sweat. There are no controversial calls because, who cares. The games just never come down to it.

When you actually pay to play football things are a little different. I wanna win and I want to win badly! I want to puke, rub my opponents face in my own vomit, and double back to kick their ass as they try to rub my acidic puke off their face. I also come home wanting to throw some pillows out my balcony and taking a running jump off my balcony to perform a piledriver onto those pillows. I couldn’t do that because it would hurt and be the second most stupidest stunt I have done in my lifetime. For some reason I feel the need to look like this and slap the turf. I also feel the need to buy stuff like cleats and gloves.

I don’t, however, want to be that one guy that’s so competitive that he’s as focused as a robot and pumps his fists just a second too long. I also don’t want to look like like this guy, and this guy, and this guy.

We ended up winning tonight and I celebrated by buying six cases of pop (144 cans). So now I have something going for me the next two days. I could’ve bought nine but I didn’t want to go overboard. Actually, I’ll buy three more cases sometime this week.

Buying this pop reminded me of a famous Mitch Hedberg bit,

I once bought pop for 2 bucks a case. When you buy pop that cheap you try to figure out crazy ways to start selling pop.

Mitch: Hey maaaan, wanna buy some pop?
Guy: Yeah how much?
Mitch: for 50 cents a pop. It’s warm though because this is a half assed commitment.


He says it a lot better

Crap List

Actually for the crap list this week I thought I would do something imaginative and interactive. K, I want everyone to gather round in front and sing and clap.

Come on, Hannes, H, Hog, Eric, Lycradog, and you too Ron. You’re not sneaking out of this. I even want the people that read this and never post. You know who you are!

I’m gonna start saying some crap in the form of gospel and you all have to sing,
“Oh my X, X, sweet X” in a gospel-like way. While I’m dishing out my crap, ya’ll hum like
“hummmm ooooooommmmmm, huhhhhhhh ooooooommmmmm”

And I say X because I don’t know what the hell ya’ll believe in so we’re saying X. If ya don’t know what the hell is going on, then go and rent Glory.

JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT!

K, here we go,

Everyone: Oh my X, X, sweet X…. hooouuuuuummmm hoooouuuummmmm

Berg: Oh X, I can’t stand it when people pass away. If it’s not bad enough that you lose a loved one, It’s just as bad when others hear about it because it just causes nothing but awkwardness.

Everyone: huuuuuooooommmm huuuuuuoooooooommmm

Berg: You tell someone like your boss that you’re grandfather died and he’s like, “I’m so sorry” and you don’t know what to say in response so you’re like “uh, yeah it sucks” and look down because it’s what you have to do. Then the two of you don’t know what to say because nothing else seems appropriate.

I do think I know how to solve the awkwardness though. Ya lift up your shirt and start rubbing your belly. It works every time!

Everyone: Oh my X, X, Sweet X. huuuuooooommmm, huuuuuuuuoooooommmm

Berg: Oh X you are so sweet. I heard that Jessica Simpson and Fred Durst have started hanging out together.

Everyone: huuuuuuooooooom, huuuuuoooooooooom

Berg: You know I love love and I hope everyone finds it, but please X, please do not let these two procreate! If we thought Britney and that loser dancer having a kid is bad. The thought of a kid resulting from these two just makes me want to vomit and cry at the same time. Some people should not be allowed to have sex together and these two are probably near the top of the list.

Oh X, I pray that Simpson herself will stuff a sock in her vagina or relegate to oral sex because Jessica Simpson + Fred Durst = Creed

Everyone: Oh my X, X, sweet X…. hoooouuuuuuuumm hooooooouuuuuuuuuum

Berg: Oh yes indeed X you are so glorious. Please put your glory into getting rid of that annoying kid introducing NBA playoff basketball on TNT. If watching non-defensive playoff basketball was bad enough, we have to listen to some annoying kid introducing it. What ever happened to a simple voice over or music playing behind the basic scoreboard?

Everyone: Oh my X, X, sweet X….hooooummmmmmm hooooooouuuuuuummmm

And now it’s your turn. Who’s stepping up?

1 comment:

Eric Wormann said...

I stopped reading when the singing started.